Dear MR. ESTRIN, We have obtained information about your uncontrollable farting. Unless you want the entire world to learn about this horrible embarassing information donate $10,000 to the herein-named GoFundMe. Sincerely, Kaiser Per, er, Some Bad Dudes in Gambia.
Have to say that the fourth thing I do now every Sunday morning (after pee, Wordle and Connections) is read your latest post.
1. Not sayin’. I told you I have to pee first thing, that’s all you get.
2. This actually came up on a doctors’ chat , low long ago before I retired (!!!!) two weeks ago. At least one other physician also swore by my (and apparently her) mom’s tried and true treatment: drink a glass of water upside down (drink from the opposite side of the glass. This works best when done over a sink, so as not to scare the dog with your antics.)
3. Pick a random yet memorable song and use the first letters of the first line as a password. Throw in random numbers and symbols but forget exactly where they go, so write it all down in a notebook and put that in a Safe Place .
Oh, wow, I'm so happy to hear that Situation Normal is part of your Sunday routine! That really means a lot, so thank you for sharing that, Jessica! Also, I love that hiccups came up in a doctor's chat and that the advice is basically what your mom or your cousin or friend would tell you to do. I'm guessing that researchers probably wouldn't get much of a grant to study hiccups.
Baclofen (an inexpensive generic prescription muscle relaxer) is also used for hiccups, but yeah, unlikely to do any studies with no financial incentive from the drug companies to do so.
That is a great interpretation! Treasonous is better than “the.” The last part is originally Supreme Court of the uniited states - but I like your version as well!!!
Indeed. Thomas should take John Oliver’s offer and Alito clearly doesn’t have the evangelical-inspired “control” over his wife. Like the Kansas City Chiefs kicker said, the patriarch sets the tone for the house. If true, we see the tone he set!
Exactly! And his BS excuse (and MSM ride along) of “momentary” is more proof of his lack of credibility since the symbolic sign of rot was displayed at his home for days. I worked in the utility field and per Federal Regulations reporting a “momentary” was required it being less than a minute…
1. I just had my colonoscopy so there’s nothing anyone can do to embarrass me anymore. They printed pictures of my colon on the discharge papers! My humiliation is complete.
2. If you have an episode of hiccups lasting four hours or more you should seek medical attention.
3. I like pass phrases. Especially smart ass ones for my work computer like “Sure.Fine.Whatever,” That way I start the day off smiling.
4. I’m more of a MacGyver gal myself. My hero has a glorious mullet, so I’ll pay him with salon-quality hair products.
I just got an endoscopy. It's quite an indignity to be told your pancreas is too small (size queens!) but it's miles better than an endoscopy (literally).
I love it when the tech or some other medical professional tells you there's something wrong with your body that you A) cannot control and B) cannot fix.
Love this, Michael. Who hasn't been hacked? United Healthcare and Kaiser probably cover 90% of the population! Between that and the big box stores, if you're online your info is out there.
Mortimer is perfect and doing a fabulous job. He needs more treats!
AT&T with 73 Million picks up any slack plus overlap and they gave out SSN's so that should give them extra credit for tanking our credit and our Country by financing OAN treason network.
AT&T! Funny thing is I could've written this piece a few months ago about an AT&T hack that affected me. And the even funnier thing is that the hack was in 2023, but I stopped doing business with them in 2013. They held onto my personal info for 10 years, which I'm pretty sure is illegal, but also dumb.
I hate AT&T. When you call the corporate office to explain a bill, huge error, and even they can't figure it out my confidence is at -100. No wonder consumer rating is low.
Ditto, I cancelled cable with them as soon as I heard about the OAN funding but due to wfh needed to keep a few services to avoid interruption in work, can hardly wait until I can sever all ties. Best wishes, vote 💙.
These are incredibly helpful observations, thank you! Also, my wife and I got to see Mantzoukas once. Nick Kroll and John Mulaney had a show called Oh Hello (it's on Netflix). It ran on broadway for a few years, I think. Every show, they'd have special guest come on stage to do improve. Sort of a show within the show. The night we went, it was Jason Mantzoukas. He was great! But the best part is that there's kind of a thing where the hosts are trying to get the guest to end the scene first. I gather that most of the time they succeed. Not with Jason Mantzoukas. He was like, "you wanna make it weird, I'm in you sons of bitches." It was hilarious.
Oh gawd, loved this, I have been laughing, crying, laughing, then, REGULATOOOOORS! And laughing and crying more. So, now I look like shit, thanks a lot. Blazing Saddles is my go-to cure-all, fix-all, fuck-em-all mental health program, and it cures hiccups.
Almost entirely unrelated, but when I first moved to LA the only writing job listings I could find were copy and technical writing gigs for Kaiser Permanente. So the name brings me back to one of the least secure periods of my life, and now I’m sure many others will have that same “lack of secure” feeling about them.
All I’ve got to say is that the best data loss to affect me was when Providence in Portland was sending a notebook computer home with all of their online data with a different IT staff member each week. One weekend the IT person left it in their car. This being Portland, someone broke into their car and stole it!
My 2nd favorite was when Fidelity gave their customer list to an emailing company who promptly let some hackers have the list.
Yeah, I feel like this was a defensible policy in 1995. That said, in 2007 I worked for trade publisher and one day our servers were on the fritz and everything was just gone, and after a few frantic minutes of execs screaming at the engineers it was revealed that everything was backed up to a server that one of the engineers set-up in his apartment because he (rightly) feared that the execs had made foolish cost-saving decisions that might one day lead to a meltdown that wiped out the entire site. He was right. But thankfully, he had a backup. The execs sent him home and he got us back up and running.
Dear MR. ESTRIN, We have obtained information about your uncontrollable farting. Unless you want the entire world to learn about this horrible embarassing information donate $10,000 to the herein-named GoFundMe. Sincerely, Kaiser Per, er, Some Bad Dudes in Gambia.
This scam stinks.
👍🏽😂😅🤣
Have to say that the fourth thing I do now every Sunday morning (after pee, Wordle and Connections) is read your latest post.
1. Not sayin’. I told you I have to pee first thing, that’s all you get.
2. This actually came up on a doctors’ chat , low long ago before I retired (!!!!) two weeks ago. At least one other physician also swore by my (and apparently her) mom’s tried and true treatment: drink a glass of water upside down (drink from the opposite side of the glass. This works best when done over a sink, so as not to scare the dog with your antics.)
3. Pick a random yet memorable song and use the first letters of the first line as a password. Throw in random numbers and symbols but forget exactly where they go, so write it all down in a notebook and put that in a Safe Place .
4. What was the question?
5. Trader Joe’s ginger snap.
Oh, wow, I'm so happy to hear that Situation Normal is part of your Sunday routine! That really means a lot, so thank you for sharing that, Jessica! Also, I love that hiccups came up in a doctor's chat and that the advice is basically what your mom or your cousin or friend would tell you to do. I'm guessing that researchers probably wouldn't get much of a grant to study hiccups.
Baclofen (an inexpensive generic prescription muscle relaxer) is also used for hiccups, but yeah, unlikely to do any studies with no financial incentive from the drug companies to do so.
Come on - Mortimer can’t be on 24/7! I’m sure he will head them off at the pass.
RE farting: soak your beans first like they didn’t in Blazing Saddles.
Favorite password: supercalafragalisticexpialaddosious**&^123
Second favorite: weareallfucked&$%321
You can use this one: #FTGDMFSCOTUS. (let me know if you figure it out)
Like Jeff Daniels said in A Man Full, "A man's gotta shake his balls."
I got the scotus part and I assume MF was mother fucking, but I think Shire's take seems to be the winner.
F'ing Treasonous Gd Damn Mother F'ing Sanctimonious Court of Trump U Shitheads, am I close?
That is a great interpretation! Treasonous is better than “the.” The last part is originally Supreme Court of the uniited states - but I like your version as well!!!
Thank you, I now think of it as a magat infested bench that needs extermination. Changing Supreme to Sanctimonious. 💔
Indeed. Thomas should take John Oliver’s offer and Alito clearly doesn’t have the evangelical-inspired “control” over his wife. Like the Kansas City Chiefs kicker said, the patriarch sets the tone for the house. If true, we see the tone he set!
Exactly! And his BS excuse (and MSM ride along) of “momentary” is more proof of his lack of credibility since the symbolic sign of rot was displayed at his home for days. I worked in the utility field and per Federal Regulations reporting a “momentary” was required it being less than a minute…
😂🤣
1. I just had my colonoscopy so there’s nothing anyone can do to embarrass me anymore. They printed pictures of my colon on the discharge papers! My humiliation is complete.
2. If you have an episode of hiccups lasting four hours or more you should seek medical attention.
3. I like pass phrases. Especially smart ass ones for my work computer like “Sure.Fine.Whatever,” That way I start the day off smiling.
4. I’m more of a MacGyver gal myself. My hero has a glorious mullet, so I’ll pay him with salon-quality hair products.
5. A soft-baked chocolate chip cookie.
" I’m more of a MacGyver gal myself. My hero has a glorious mullet, so I’ll pay him with salon-quality hair products." This cracked me up, Meridith.
I just got an endoscopy. It's quite an indignity to be told your pancreas is too small (size queens!) but it's miles better than an endoscopy (literally).
I love it when the tech or some other medical professional tells you there's something wrong with your body that you A) cannot control and B) cannot fix.
The cure for hiccups is, of course, more cowbell.
The A-Team now accepts Bitcoin and are also doing quincenaneras for the right price. I'll make a few calls....
This is all correct. In fact, I heard he now goes by Bitcoin Baracus.
“I pity the fool who don’t use Bitcoin!” it’s like on EVERY billboard out there…
Love this, Michael. Who hasn't been hacked? United Healthcare and Kaiser probably cover 90% of the population! Between that and the big box stores, if you're online your info is out there.
Mortimer is perfect and doing a fabulous job. He needs more treats!
AT&T with 73 Million picks up any slack plus overlap and they gave out SSN's so that should give them extra credit for tanking our credit and our Country by financing OAN treason network.
AT&T! Funny thing is I could've written this piece a few months ago about an AT&T hack that affected me. And the even funnier thing is that the hack was in 2023, but I stopped doing business with them in 2013. They held onto my personal info for 10 years, which I'm pretty sure is illegal, but also dumb.
I can confirm that in communication re the 2024 hack AT&T indicated it was 2019/prior info that they shared with hackers.
I hate AT&T. When you call the corporate office to explain a bill, huge error, and even they can't figure it out my confidence is at -100. No wonder consumer rating is low.
Ditto, I cancelled cable with them as soon as I heard about the OAN funding but due to wfh needed to keep a few services to avoid interruption in work, can hardly wait until I can sever all ties. Best wishes, vote 💙.
Thanks, Michele! At this point I like to say that if your personal info is all over the internet you probably aren't alive.
Michael, I have three helpful observations for today:
1. I immediately thought of this scene from IT Crowd when all this talk about the A-Team came up: https://youtu.be/ejjtlnZOdgo
2. Whenever I read your stuff, I read it in the voice of Jason Mantzoukas. Can you please just talk like him from now on so that all makes sense?
3. Mortimer's belly needs 7 additional circular rubs this afternoon.
I am here to help.
These are incredibly helpful observations, thank you! Also, my wife and I got to see Mantzoukas once. Nick Kroll and John Mulaney had a show called Oh Hello (it's on Netflix). It ran on broadway for a few years, I think. Every show, they'd have special guest come on stage to do improve. Sort of a show within the show. The night we went, it was Jason Mantzoukas. He was great! But the best part is that there's kind of a thing where the hosts are trying to get the guest to end the scene first. I gather that most of the time they succeed. Not with Jason Mantzoukas. He was like, "you wanna make it weird, I'm in you sons of bitches." It was hilarious.
I first noticed him as Derek in The Good Place. Holy crap, what a find!
Oh gawd, loved this, I have been laughing, crying, laughing, then, REGULATOOOOORS! And laughing and crying more. So, now I look like shit, thanks a lot. Blazing Saddles is my go-to cure-all, fix-all, fuck-em-all mental health program, and it cures hiccups.
Thank you, Bonnie! I'm so glad this made you laugh, cry, then laugh some more. And you're right, Blazing Saddles fixes everything.
Yesterday I had a fig and honey macaron with gold shimmer dust on top. 🤌🏻
That's just not even fair. Also, holy shit! And, have you ever thought about trying out for one of those competition reality baking shows?
I can't take credit for it: I bought it at a macaron shop near me. I have made macarons but not that fancy.
'...the ER doctor concluded that I suffered from an over-inflated sense of self and a broken wrist-watch.' 🤣
Thank you for singling this line out, Rebecca. I'm especially proud of it. Also, there's a part of me that's always a 13-year-old boy.
Death always cures hiccups. Though traditionally being scared half to death is supposed to work.
Best Password.. Heyitsreallyme.
Last cookies... My wife made some last night. Pillsbury Chocolate Chips, with some added Chocolate Chips.
Your password is excellent! And your hiccup cure is 100% effective.
😂
Almost entirely unrelated, but when I first moved to LA the only writing job listings I could find were copy and technical writing gigs for Kaiser Permanente. So the name brings me back to one of the least secure periods of my life, and now I’m sure many others will have that same “lack of secure” feeling about them.
It's not unrelated. In a parallel universe copywriter Geoffrey is leaking Kaiser data all over the place.
Kaiser data for EVERYONE!
I wanna know how you broke your wristwatch.
All I’ve got to say is that the best data loss to affect me was when Providence in Portland was sending a notebook computer home with all of their online data with a different IT staff member each week. One weekend the IT person left it in their car. This being Portland, someone broke into their car and stole it!
My 2nd favorite was when Fidelity gave their customer list to an emailing company who promptly let some hackers have the list.
They took the data home!? That sounds like a terrible idea. And I guess it was. Yikes!
In their defense, this was 2005 and they were very concerned about having access to backups of the data from hardware failures.
Even that time I thought it was stupid for the data to not be encrypted.
Yeah, I feel like this was a defensible policy in 1995. That said, in 2007 I worked for trade publisher and one day our servers were on the fritz and everything was just gone, and after a few frantic minutes of execs screaming at the engineers it was revealed that everything was backed up to a server that one of the engineers set-up in his apartment because he (rightly) feared that the execs had made foolish cost-saving decisions that might one day lead to a meltdown that wiped out the entire site. He was right. But thankfully, he had a backup. The execs sent him home and he got us back up and running.
😂😂
1. Kaiser’s about to leak decades of me injuring myself trying moves beyond my skill. Like walking.
2. No, but there are some pranks you can make children pull on each other.
3. I used to go with the edgiest joke I could think of on the spot. Then a manager needed to access my account. I gave up the habit.
4. There has to be some kind of internal grant by now. Like a scholarship for lovable mercenary customers.
5. I can’t remember, so I’m capital-d Done cutting.
I think you're right about the A-Team. After selling their TV and film rights, they should be able to take on need-blind mercenary work.
Sol Food in San Rafael makes the best chicken everrrr, and is open till 9 (10 on Fri/Sat). Too little too late, I know, but for next time!
Good tip, thank you!