Your privacy is important to us

so we told everyone about your embarrassing medical conditions!

Hi there, situation normies! And also, aloha, situation normies!

I wasn’t sure how last week’s story about looking for a late night dinner in San Rafael was going to play. My concern was it might not be relatable— a comedy writer word that means, “will anyone give a rat’s-tuchis about this story?” Turns out, it was relatable! I heard from more than a dozen situation normies who had also been let down by San Rafael’s late night dining options. Based on this statistically insignificant sample size, I can only conclude that San Rafael needs to get its shit together.

There were a ton of great comments to choose from, but I feel compelled to highlight something

Anne Kadet

wrote:

Dude, you could have gotten a Kind Bar, a Snickers, a Twix and another Kind Bar at the movie theater concessions counter!

Holy shit! Anne cracked the case. I totally missed a dinner opportunity when I saw the theater. Thank goodness for careful readers like Anne. If only she had been in San Rafael that night, I could’ve eaten candy for dinner. Also, a comment with a callback is comedy gold, people.

Speaking of gold, Situation Normal has two new paid subscribers! Big shout out to Bonnie! Honored to have your support. Also, big shout out to

Maggie Shayne

, whose profile reads, “NY Times Bestselling novelist, Wiccan Elder, Law of Attraction teacher, whole food plant-based coach.” Holy cow tofu, Maggie, you are crushing it! I’m so glad to have you on board, thank you!

Situation Normal is free for everyone. Some situation normies pay because they love this newsletter and they get their kicks underwriting joy for strangers. That’s pretty damn cool. But it’s also totally cool if you don’t want to pay, or can’t pay. Seriously. Situation Normal isn’t about the money.

BUT…

If you want to send money to support the work that goes into Situation Normal, please upgrade your subscription. Or, if you prefer PayPal, send any amount here.

You’ll get a shout out and I’ll send you good vibes, which are priceless.

RELATED: if you’re the sort of person who cares about badges and other status symbols, you may recall that Situation Normal used to have a Substack best-seller badge, lost it in a poker game, and is currently FOUR paid subscribers away from getting that damn badge back. But as I said when Substack launched badges:

I had hoped to keep my medical records private, but recent events have forced my hand. My only option is to dox myself. Because whatever you hear about me, I want you to hear it from me first. Away we go:

• In 2006, I thought I had vertigo after a screening of Vertigo. My doctor said I was psycho-cinema-somatic.

• In 2007, I suffered bouts of uncontrollable hiccups whenever I heard the phrase “too big to fail.” Doctors never solved this medical mystery, but the economy rebounded and my hiccups went away, for the time being.

• In 2009, after incidents at a Big 5 Sporting Goods store and several of LA’s finest Italian restaurants, I was involuntarily hospitalized because I thought I was Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda. I did not respond drugs or shock therapy, but after the Dodgers were eliminated from the playoffs, I was fine. But I still crave lasagna.

• In 2010, I just couldn’t stop farting.

• Also in 2010, I couldn’t pee unless I hummed In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly.

• In 2013, I thought I had an erection that lasted longer than four hours, but the ER doctor concluded that I suffered from an over-inflated sense of self and a broken wrist-watch.

• In 2016, the hiccups came back, but this time the trigger was the phrase: “take him seriously, but not literally.”

• In 2017, my dermatologist removed a mole that bore a striking resemblance to Weird Al Yankovic. According to the lab, the mole was surprisingly funny, but benign, just like Weird Al.

• In 2020, I suffered bouts of uncontrollable hiccups accompanied by relentless farting. This time, the trigger was the phrase “flatten the curve.”

• In 2023, I couldn’t pee without singing Regulate by Warren G.

• In 2024, I was diagnosed with depression, but you knew that.

I’m telling you this because of a recent email from my healthcare provider, Kaiser Permanente. Here is an annotated version of that email:

Dear MICHAEL,

Why you gotta shout, Kaiser? After my last physical, we both know my hearing is perfect.

On behalf of Kaiser Permanente, I am writing to inform you about a privacy matter that may have affected you.

Did your lawyers write this? It sounds like you’re trying to say you fucked up, without saying you fucked up.

What Happened?

On October 25, 2023, Kaiser Permanente determined that certain online technologies (commonly known as cookies) installed on our websites and mobile applications may have transmitted personal information to our third-party vendors Google, Microsoft Bing, and X (Twitter) when members and patients accessed our websites or mobile applications. These technologies are sometimes used by organizations to understand how consumers interact with websites and mobile applications. We apologize that this incident occurred.

No fair! If I’m supposed to stop eating cookies, aren’t you supposed to stop using cookies? Also, you gave my personal information to Google, Microsoft, and Twitter? That’s like seventy-two percent of the internet!

What Information was Involved?

The information that may have been involved was limited to: IP address, name, information that could indicate you were signed into a Kaiser Permanente account or service, information showing how you interacted with and navigated through our website or mobile applications, and search terms used in the health encyclopedia.

I bolded the part that freaks me out. Sounds like you told Google, Microsoft, and Twitter about the hiccups, the farting, the Tommy Lasorda incident, my lasagna cravings, musical urination issues, the Weird Al mole, dick stuff, and my depression. Is this why I’m seeing ads for Gas-X, MLB’s streaming service, Spotify, penis pills, lasagna, and anti-depressants?

Detailed information concerning Kaiser Permanente account credentials (username and password), Social Security numbers, financial account information and credit card numbers were not included in the information involved.

Every cloud has a silver-lining, amirite? Virtual fist-bump (🤜 🤛) to the crackerjack cyber-security team!

What We Are Doing:

We conducted a voluntary internal investigation into the use of these online technologies, and subsequently removed these online technologies from our websites and mobile applications. In addition, Kaiser Permanente has implemented additional measures with the guidance of experts to safeguard against recurrence of this type of incident.

Wait, if these technologies compromised my privacy, why did you use them in the first place?

What You Can Do:

Kaiser Permanente is not aware of any misuse of your information. Your Kaiser Permanente account credentials (username and password), Social Security number, financial account information, and credit card number were not involved in this incident. Regardless, it is always advisable to remain vigilant against attempts at identity theft or fraud, which includes reviewing online and financial accounts, credit reports, and Explanations of Benefits for suspicious activity. This is a best practice for all individuals.

There is no evidence that your information has been misused. If you are concerned about identity theft and would like more information on ways to protect yourself, visit the Federal Trade Commission’s Identity Theft website.

Basically, there isn’t jack-shit I can do about it. That’s what you’re saying, right? I’d have more respect for you if you just wrote, “sorry, dude, you’re shit outta luck.”

Also, not to be a dick about it, but this is the same boilerplate I got when Target, Wells Fargo, Amazon, Olive Garden, Big Five Sporting Goods, and Ticketmaster “accidentally” shared all my private info with the internet.

Since receiving this email, I’ve been vigilant as fuck.

I changed my passwords from “1,2,3,4” to “5,6,7,8.”

I trained our dog, Mortimer, to pee and / or poop whenever anyone gets close to one of our devices.

I called my member of Congress, but he said he already knew about, and shared, my concerns. But, and I think this is related, he won’t stop emailing me to ask for money, even though I’ve unsubscribed a bajillion times.

I bought one of those identity theft protection services. I had to give them all my personal info, so I prayed to the spaghetti monster (the internet’s only official deity) that they wouldn’t get hacked, or use some dodgy ad tech that shared all of my information with the entire internet.

I contacted my sources in the LA underground to see if I can find the A-Team. With any luck, Lieutenant Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith, Templeton “Faceman” Peck, H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock, and B.A. Baracus can raid Google, Microsoft, and Twitter to get my personal information back.

Want more Michael Estrin stories? I’ve got books!

• Ride/Share: Micro Stories of Soul, Wit and Wisdom from the Backseat is a collection of my Lyft driver stories🚗🗣

• Not Safe for Work is an amateur detective novel based on my experiences covering the adult entertainment industry💋🍑🍆🕵️‍♂️ Strangers have said it’s “very funny.”

Stick around and chat!

You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.

1. What embarrassing medical conditions has your healthcare provider shared with the internet? Get out in front of this story while you can!

2. Is there a cure for hiccups? Asking for me.

3. What’s your password? Wrong answers only (to be safe)!

4. What do you think the A-Team charges these days? Would they be open to a GoFundMe?

5. Internet cookies suck, but real cookies are awesome. Tell us about the last cookie you ate!

I’m starting to think that maybe Mortimer isn’t cut out to be a guard dog.