I can't think of a sandwich I'd want to marry. Maybe a friends with benefits relationship with a good Italian Beef from Chicago or a Godmother at Bay Cities.
People tend not to trust automated fire alarms because they;re false alarms too much of the time. But, they will respond to screaming flaming people!
I don't have a roomba. because I'm sure it would scare the hell out of the dogs.
Never had Detroit Pizza. The descriptions on line make it sound like it's worth trying.
And isn't an Electric Husband another name for a vibrator?
2. It's only a matter of time before the robots tell us to "stop existing altogether" - so I'm all for ignoring them most of the time. The fire thing is weird. My guess is that the fire robot cried wolf/fire one too many times over a scorched pizza and the regular patrons stopped buying it.
3. We have an off-brand Roomba called a Dee-Bot. It's cute. The best thing it does is it wakes up if there's a power outage and starts roaming around and can't find its home port because the power's out and not sending a signal. The other thing it does that's cute is get stuck on things and cry. Like it'll get hung up on the edge of a carpet or wedged under the couch. It just whines until someone rescues it. Cute, right? TBH, I find sweeping to be far more efficient. And less whiny.
Your guess about why the people didn't heed the robot's warning is a good one. But the thing is, this place is new. Really new. So I don't think the place has regulars yet, and I don't think the robot alarm has cried wolf too many times because it just hasn't had the chance. But I like that you're giving these people the benefit of the doubt. You are generous and fair, and let's be honest, too good for this world, Meg!
The less uplifting possibility is that everyone in that food court was so depressed they figured going down in a blazing inferno while eating Detroit style pizza was as good a way out as any.
Your decision to heed the robot says a lot about your outlook on life, Michael. You still have a few fucks left to give. 💜😊
1. I took a long fried-chicken sojourn after a bit of KFC food-poisoning (sue away Colonel, I'm writer-broke). About ten years later, I worked up the courage to dive into a sandwich from a Koreatown joint. From there, I was like an ex-Mormon unleashed on Tinder.
2. Run faster. The robot is gloating.
3. I'm Roombaless, the least of the lifestyle-improving innovations I've ignored.
4. I haven't! No food poisoning this time, I'm just evidently not the adventurous eater I thought I was.
Your fried chicken experience had me laughing like a mad man. Thank you! One note: I think you can sue the Colonel. You make be a broke writer, but he's got big chicken money. Time bust that Colonel down to a private.
Maybe we should look into a structured settlement that pays you annually over the rest of your life, so that you don't blow all your chicken winnings in one go.
Before I commented I had to google just now “is a burger a sandwich?” There seems to be a debate. If a burger is not a sandwich - I would marry a chopped cheese - a Brooklyn, NY staple. Do they have those out in the West?
If a burger is a sandwich - I’ll marry anything with two buns with a fried egg and barbecue sauce to dip it in.
I have not seen a chopped cheese here. There really isn't an LA equivalent to the New York neighborhood deli / grocery store, so I wouldn't say we have them in the sense that they're commonly available. But after googling, there are some hipster foodies who are doing chopped cheese, which sorta feels a little contrary to the chopped cheese concept, but maybe that's me. I dunno. I'm sure they're tasty. As for the great burger / sandwich debate, I'd be happy to moderate. It'll be delicious.
Loved these two pieces. (Poor Mortimer!) AI has been on my mind a lot lately. You asked if I would like to have a robot to cook and clean? Here is the android I would like to live with. And who cares if he cooks or cleans or dances or plays the saxophone. For all the times you've made me laugh this year, maybe I can make you laugh a little?
FIrst off, people who calmly sit through an incessant, blaring alarm are insane, percieved danger or not. Isn't one of the best attributes of a sandwich its portability?
Secondly, if Mortimer really wanted to get rid of the robot he could do what the dog's of several Roomba enthusiasts have done to get their owners to jettison their drones, take a dump on the living room floor. The inevitable “Jackson Pollock poop painting” ought to do it.
You make a great point about the portability of most food, Rob. But as for going Jackson Pollock on the floor, please don't give Mortimer any ideas. He reads Situation Normal, mostly just to see his own name because he's selfish like that.
1. I'd marry a Beef on 'W eck, a Buffalo classic akin to an Italian beef but different.
2. Robots need yell fire less ...robot- like.
3. I only the Shark version of a roomba. Bought it in 2020. Have never used it. I'm in love with my Dyson cordless stick vac and all it's fancy attachments. It doesn't get stuck, it DOES scare children and husbands, and I get my steps in. It sucks in the best of ways.
4. I've only had Detroit pizza once, in Nashville, from a chain called Jets. I did like it. A bit similar to Buffalo pizza.
5. I kinda want an electric wife more than an electric husband. I mean, I'm the one that wants MY tasks done, right? 😉
Wendy, I could tell that you were the one who does the cleaning when you mentioned the Dyson, aka the dream of anyone who cleans. I want a Dyson. That's my dream.
One of our daughter-in-laws is from Okinawa. We stopped calling it fried chicken as the Asian take is superior I think. We just call it karaage now. Even though I am wedded to my Mom's recipe for pierogi, while all cultures seem to have a dumpling, Japanese gyoza might be the very best! Life in America from a food standpoint is a dream. 8B wanderers on this rock and we are the only place that embraced the melting pot wholesale. We've got our share of rubes but it is great to realize we've done it better than anyone else. Our place is safe in the world as long as all the others continue to be afraid of multi-culturalism.
I think what’s happening is the alarm goes off and the people are looking at each other to determine whether the emergency is real, and if no one else is leaving their food, then they stay. So when it comes to something we want, we trust the robots. When it’s something we don’t, we trust each other.
I’ve never had a sandwich I’d want to marry, but I recall a deli sandwich called The Godfather where I wanted to be good friends.
So ... uhh ... yeah ... was in downtown Manchester NH in the late ‘80s with a couple of friends who grew up there having lunch at your typical pizza/sandwich place ... right on the main drag in town. We were sitting by the front window ... eating ... kibitzing ... watching the wheels ... and a fire truck pulled up close to the front of the restaurant. We craned our necks to see what sort of excitement was going on and if we could see which storefront they were headed for ... there was no alarm sounding out on the street. The doors were closed as it was winter-ish ... so it was possible we weren’t hearing something that was ... out there. “I don’t see anything,” I said, as I was closest to the window and facing the fire truck. Our buddy, Diane had her back to the truck and chuckled and said, “maybe they’re coming in here.” The conversation from there bounced between the three of us ...
“They’re standing around.”
“Doesn’t seem very urgent.”
“Maybe they’re waiting to see *if* one of these places bursts into flames.”
“Well, they still haven’t come in here.”
And, then one of the firefighters walked through the front door of the restaurant.
“Lunch run?”
Someone came out from the kitchen.
Both the restaurant employee and the firefighter went into the kitchen. The firefighter walked back out. He and another came back in with a hose.
“And yet here we sit, still eating our lunch.”
“It’s a good lunch”
We chuckled again. “Y’know, this is how people die.”
“Maybe we should ...”
“Nah.”
No thanks to our former selves ... we’re still here.
I cannot buy one of those robot vacuum cleaners - one of my cats would attack it (compelled to pounce on anything that moves, including feet.) My other cat would literally move out of home (utterly terrified by anything that moves). I am destined to be a slave to the vacuum cleaner forever.... unless perhaps I can find one of those robot husbands you mention... 🤔😂
Robot husbands should be available next Christmas. In the meantime, the robot vacuum isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It keeps things tidy, but you still need to vacuum. Why did we buy this thing? I don’t know. Ask my wife.
I can't think of a sandwich I'd want to marry. Maybe a friends with benefits relationship with a good Italian Beef from Chicago or a Godmother at Bay Cities.
People tend not to trust automated fire alarms because they;re false alarms too much of the time. But, they will respond to screaming flaming people!
I don't have a roomba. because I'm sure it would scare the hell out of the dogs.
Never had Detroit Pizza. The descriptions on line make it sound like it's worth trying.
And isn't an Electric Husband another name for a vibrator?
You might be right about the electric husband, but I don't think most women would want the same machine to make dinner and do the dishes.
my gym often has the giant ass loud ass alarm go off and lemme tell ya, no one stops lifting. pecs before deaths
Pecs Before Death is a good name for a gym.
2. It's only a matter of time before the robots tell us to "stop existing altogether" - so I'm all for ignoring them most of the time. The fire thing is weird. My guess is that the fire robot cried wolf/fire one too many times over a scorched pizza and the regular patrons stopped buying it.
3. We have an off-brand Roomba called a Dee-Bot. It's cute. The best thing it does is it wakes up if there's a power outage and starts roaming around and can't find its home port because the power's out and not sending a signal. The other thing it does that's cute is get stuck on things and cry. Like it'll get hung up on the edge of a carpet or wedged under the couch. It just whines until someone rescues it. Cute, right? TBH, I find sweeping to be far more efficient. And less whiny.
4. https://stockfiction.substack.com/p/masterdate
Your guess about why the people didn't heed the robot's warning is a good one. But the thing is, this place is new. Really new. So I don't think the place has regulars yet, and I don't think the robot alarm has cried wolf too many times because it just hasn't had the chance. But I like that you're giving these people the benefit of the doubt. You are generous and fair, and let's be honest, too good for this world, Meg!
The less uplifting possibility is that everyone in that food court was so depressed they figured going down in a blazing inferno while eating Detroit style pizza was as good a way out as any.
Your decision to heed the robot says a lot about your outlook on life, Michael. You still have a few fucks left to give. 💜😊
There's a lot of truth in your alternative take. I've been giving fucks for 46 years, and I'm not planning to run out of fucks anytime soon.
You should start a cult of positivity. I'll join! 😎
Sold! I've always wanted to lead a cult. But we should probably recruit Amran because he's a pretty good bulwark against toxic positivity.
1. I took a long fried-chicken sojourn after a bit of KFC food-poisoning (sue away Colonel, I'm writer-broke). About ten years later, I worked up the courage to dive into a sandwich from a Koreatown joint. From there, I was like an ex-Mormon unleashed on Tinder.
2. Run faster. The robot is gloating.
3. I'm Roombaless, the least of the lifestyle-improving innovations I've ignored.
4. I haven't! No food poisoning this time, I'm just evidently not the adventurous eater I thought I was.
5. My follow-up questions are hideous.
Your fried chicken experience had me laughing like a mad man. Thank you! One note: I think you can sue the Colonel. You make be a broke writer, but he's got big chicken money. Time bust that Colonel down to a private.
I could use that windfall, there’s no relapse like the fried meat relapse. Unless I fall back into trading cards. Then it’s over.
Maybe we should look into a structured settlement that pays you annually over the rest of your life, so that you don't blow all your chicken winnings in one go.
I’m just glad you were able to finish your sandwich before the alarm went off. That was close!
Also, I want to marry EVERY sandwich!
So if you want to marry every sandwich, does that mean you're poly?
Polysamarous?
There it is! That’s the word. Well done, Rob!
Before I commented I had to google just now “is a burger a sandwich?” There seems to be a debate. If a burger is not a sandwich - I would marry a chopped cheese - a Brooklyn, NY staple. Do they have those out in the West?
If a burger is a sandwich - I’ll marry anything with two buns with a fried egg and barbecue sauce to dip it in.
I have not seen a chopped cheese here. There really isn't an LA equivalent to the New York neighborhood deli / grocery store, so I wouldn't say we have them in the sense that they're commonly available. But after googling, there are some hipster foodies who are doing chopped cheese, which sorta feels a little contrary to the chopped cheese concept, but maybe that's me. I dunno. I'm sure they're tasty. As for the great burger / sandwich debate, I'd be happy to moderate. It'll be delicious.
What is a chopped cheese
Loved these two pieces. (Poor Mortimer!) AI has been on my mind a lot lately. You asked if I would like to have a robot to cook and clean? Here is the android I would like to live with. And who cares if he cooks or cleans or dances or plays the saxophone. For all the times you've made me laugh this year, maybe I can make you laugh a little?
https://sharronbassano.substack.com/p/ai-love-you
Thank you for making me laugh, Sharron! Loved your piece!
Okay, that sandwich sounds pretty damn good.
There's also a walnut shrimp sandwich there. Just sayin'.
If you could only have one or the other, which would you pick?
I know this is tough because each sandwich might fit in better for a given time in your life, or a moment you're experiencing.
I'm here to ask the tough questions.
FIrst off, people who calmly sit through an incessant, blaring alarm are insane, percieved danger or not. Isn't one of the best attributes of a sandwich its portability?
Secondly, if Mortimer really wanted to get rid of the robot he could do what the dog's of several Roomba enthusiasts have done to get their owners to jettison their drones, take a dump on the living room floor. The inevitable “Jackson Pollock poop painting” ought to do it.
You make a great point about the portability of most food, Rob. But as for going Jackson Pollock on the floor, please don't give Mortimer any ideas. He reads Situation Normal, mostly just to see his own name because he's selfish like that.
1. I'd marry a Beef on 'W eck, a Buffalo classic akin to an Italian beef but different.
2. Robots need yell fire less ...robot- like.
3. I only the Shark version of a roomba. Bought it in 2020. Have never used it. I'm in love with my Dyson cordless stick vac and all it's fancy attachments. It doesn't get stuck, it DOES scare children and husbands, and I get my steps in. It sucks in the best of ways.
4. I've only had Detroit pizza once, in Nashville, from a chain called Jets. I did like it. A bit similar to Buffalo pizza.
5. I kinda want an electric wife more than an electric husband. I mean, I'm the one that wants MY tasks done, right? 😉
Wendy, I could tell that you were the one who does the cleaning when you mentioned the Dyson, aka the dream of anyone who cleans. I want a Dyson. That's my dream.
Get you one. It's like have a not so secret secret weapon. Be a superhero inside your own abode!
One of our daughter-in-laws is from Okinawa. We stopped calling it fried chicken as the Asian take is superior I think. We just call it karaage now. Even though I am wedded to my Mom's recipe for pierogi, while all cultures seem to have a dumpling, Japanese gyoza might be the very best! Life in America from a food standpoint is a dream. 8B wanderers on this rock and we are the only place that embraced the melting pot wholesale. We've got our share of rubes but it is great to realize we've done it better than anyone else. Our place is safe in the world as long as all the others continue to be afraid of multi-culturalism.
I think what’s happening is the alarm goes off and the people are looking at each other to determine whether the emergency is real, and if no one else is leaving their food, then they stay. So when it comes to something we want, we trust the robots. When it’s something we don’t, we trust each other.
That's beautifully put, Geoffrey. I just hope we're right about fires--literal and metaphorical.
I’ve never had a sandwich I’d want to marry, but I recall a deli sandwich called The Godfather where I wanted to be good friends.
So ... uhh ... yeah ... was in downtown Manchester NH in the late ‘80s with a couple of friends who grew up there having lunch at your typical pizza/sandwich place ... right on the main drag in town. We were sitting by the front window ... eating ... kibitzing ... watching the wheels ... and a fire truck pulled up close to the front of the restaurant. We craned our necks to see what sort of excitement was going on and if we could see which storefront they were headed for ... there was no alarm sounding out on the street. The doors were closed as it was winter-ish ... so it was possible we weren’t hearing something that was ... out there. “I don’t see anything,” I said, as I was closest to the window and facing the fire truck. Our buddy, Diane had her back to the truck and chuckled and said, “maybe they’re coming in here.” The conversation from there bounced between the three of us ...
“They’re standing around.”
“Doesn’t seem very urgent.”
“Maybe they’re waiting to see *if* one of these places bursts into flames.”
“Well, they still haven’t come in here.”
And, then one of the firefighters walked through the front door of the restaurant.
“Lunch run?”
Someone came out from the kitchen.
Both the restaurant employee and the firefighter went into the kitchen. The firefighter walked back out. He and another came back in with a hose.
“And yet here we sit, still eating our lunch.”
“It’s a good lunch”
We chuckled again. “Y’know, this is how people die.”
“Maybe we should ...”
“Nah.”
No thanks to our former selves ... we’re still here.
This is a hilarious story, Tim! But I do have one question. Was this the lunch where you met the godfather sandwich?
Wouldn’t that have been the capper! No, the Godfather didn’t make an appearance for about another 20 years up here in my adopted hometown.
Still a good story, though!
I don’t have any earth shattering stories but just want to say that “do wives dream of electric husbands?” is phenomenal deep cut. I see you, sir!
Thank you, Renee! I feel seen🤖😂
Yes I've had food that I would marry. Can't disclose too much here because wife. "I hear fire, and I move my ass. That’s my policy".
Funny - you and I have similar policies. Mine is "I hear Earth, Wind and Fire, and I move my ass". That’s my policy.
I like your policy, Paul!
I cannot buy one of those robot vacuum cleaners - one of my cats would attack it (compelled to pounce on anything that moves, including feet.) My other cat would literally move out of home (utterly terrified by anything that moves). I am destined to be a slave to the vacuum cleaner forever.... unless perhaps I can find one of those robot husbands you mention... 🤔😂
Robot husbands should be available next Christmas. In the meantime, the robot vacuum isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It keeps things tidy, but you still need to vacuum. Why did we buy this thing? I don’t know. Ask my wife.
Fabulous! Christmas 2024 will be very exciting 😄