59 Comments
Oct 18, 2023Liked by Michael Estrin

I can't think of a sandwich I'd want to marry. Maybe a friends with benefits relationship with a good Italian Beef from Chicago or a Godmother at Bay Cities.

People tend not to trust automated fire alarms because they;re false alarms too much of the time. But, they will respond to screaming flaming people!

I don't have a roomba. because I'm sure it would scare the hell out of the dogs.

Never had Detroit Pizza. The descriptions on line make it sound like it's worth trying.

And isn't an Electric Husband another name for a vibrator?

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my gym often has the giant ass loud ass alarm go off and lemme tell ya, no one stops lifting. pecs before deaths

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2. It's only a matter of time before the robots tell us to "stop existing altogether" - so I'm all for ignoring them most of the time. The fire thing is weird. My guess is that the fire robot cried wolf/fire one too many times over a scorched pizza and the regular patrons stopped buying it.

3. We have an off-brand Roomba called a Dee-Bot. It's cute. The best thing it does is it wakes up if there's a power outage and starts roaming around and can't find its home port because the power's out and not sending a signal. The other thing it does that's cute is get stuck on things and cry. Like it'll get hung up on the edge of a carpet or wedged under the couch. It just whines until someone rescues it. Cute, right? TBH, I find sweeping to be far more efficient. And less whiny.

4. https://stockfiction.substack.com/p/masterdate

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Oct 18, 2023Liked by Michael Estrin

Yesterday I was at the wedding dress store for an alteration for my gown for this damn soirée coming up that we call a wedding. I’m tripping all over the dress. It was designed for a model with inches of legs over me. The seamstress asked, “we will cut it down to the length where god forbid if there’s an emergency at your wedding, you can still run.”

Immediately - the fire alarm went off. You’re expecting me to run RIGHT NOW with this dress on!?

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1. I took a long fried-chicken sojourn after a bit of KFC food-poisoning (sue away Colonel, I'm writer-broke). About ten years later, I worked up the courage to dive into a sandwich from a Koreatown joint. From there, I was like an ex-Mormon unleashed on Tinder.

2. Run faster. The robot is gloating.

3. I'm Roombaless, the least of the lifestyle-improving innovations I've ignored.

4. I haven't! No food poisoning this time, I'm just evidently not the adventurous eater I thought I was.

5. My follow-up questions are hideous.

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Oct 19, 2023Liked by Michael Estrin

I’m just glad you were able to finish your sandwich before the alarm went off. That was close!

Also, I want to marry EVERY sandwich!

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Before I commented I had to google just now “is a burger a sandwich?” There seems to be a debate. If a burger is not a sandwich - I would marry a chopped cheese - a Brooklyn, NY staple. Do they have those out in the West?

If a burger is a sandwich - I’ll marry anything with two buns with a fried egg and barbecue sauce to dip it in.

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Oct 18, 2023Liked by Michael Estrin

Loved these two pieces. (Poor Mortimer!) AI has been on my mind a lot lately. You asked if I would like to have a robot to cook and clean? Here is the android I would like to live with. And who cares if he cooks or cleans or dances or plays the saxophone. For all the times you've made me laugh this year, maybe I can make you laugh a little?

https://sharronbassano.substack.com/p/ai-love-you

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Okay, that sandwich sounds pretty damn good.

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FIrst off, people who calmly sit through an incessant, blaring alarm are insane, percieved danger or not. Isn't one of the best attributes of a sandwich its portability?

Secondly, if Mortimer really wanted to get rid of the robot he could do what the dog's of several Roomba enthusiasts have done to get their owners to jettison their drones, take a dump on the living room floor. The inevitable “Jackson Pollock poop painting” ought to do it.

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1. I'd marry a Beef on 'W eck, a Buffalo classic akin to an Italian beef but different.

2. Robots need yell fire less ...robot- like.

3. I only the Shark version of a roomba. Bought it in 2020. Have never used it. I'm in love with my Dyson cordless stick vac and all it's fancy attachments. It doesn't get stuck, it DOES scare children and husbands, and I get my steps in. It sucks in the best of ways.

4. I've only had Detroit pizza once, in Nashville, from a chain called Jets. I did like it. A bit similar to Buffalo pizza.

5. I kinda want an electric wife more than an electric husband. I mean, I'm the one that wants MY tasks done, right? 😉

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One of our daughter-in-laws is from Okinawa. We stopped calling it fried chicken as the Asian take is superior I think. We just call it karaage now. Even though I am wedded to my Mom's recipe for pierogi, while all cultures seem to have a dumpling, Japanese gyoza might be the very best! Life in America from a food standpoint is a dream. 8B wanderers on this rock and we are the only place that embraced the melting pot wholesale. We've got our share of rubes but it is great to realize we've done it better than anyone else. Our place is safe in the world as long as all the others continue to be afraid of multi-culturalism.

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I think what’s happening is the alarm goes off and the people are looking at each other to determine whether the emergency is real, and if no one else is leaving their food, then they stay. So when it comes to something we want, we trust the robots. When it’s something we don’t, we trust each other.

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I’ve never had a sandwich I’d want to marry, but I recall a deli sandwich called The Godfather where I wanted to be good friends.

So ... uhh ... yeah ... was in downtown Manchester NH in the late ‘80s with a couple of friends who grew up there having lunch at your typical pizza/sandwich place ... right on the main drag in town. We were sitting by the front window ... eating ... kibitzing ... watching the wheels ... and a fire truck pulled up close to the front of the restaurant. We craned our necks to see what sort of excitement was going on and if we could see which storefront they were headed for ... there was no alarm sounding out on the street. The doors were closed as it was winter-ish ... so it was possible we weren’t hearing something that was ... out there. “I don’t see anything,” I said, as I was closest to the window and facing the fire truck. Our buddy, Diane had her back to the truck and chuckled and said, “maybe they’re coming in here.” The conversation from there bounced between the three of us ...

“They’re standing around.”

“Doesn’t seem very urgent.”

“Maybe they’re waiting to see *if* one of these places bursts into flames.”

“Well, they still haven’t come in here.”

And, then one of the firefighters walked through the front door of the restaurant.

“Lunch run?”

Someone came out from the kitchen.

Both the restaurant employee and the firefighter went into the kitchen. The firefighter walked back out. He and another came back in with a hose.

“And yet here we sit, still eating our lunch.”

“It’s a good lunch”

We chuckled again. “Y’know, this is how people die.”

“Maybe we should ...”

“Nah.”

No thanks to our former selves ... we’re still here.

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I don’t have any earth shattering stories but just want to say that “do wives dream of electric husbands?” is phenomenal deep cut. I see you, sir!

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Yes I've had food that I would marry. Can't disclose too much here because wife. "I hear fire, and I move my ass. That’s my policy".

Funny - you and I have similar policies. Mine is "I hear Earth, Wind and Fire, and I move my ass". That’s my policy.

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