Subway amuses me at how badly corporate fumbles everything and yet the company still keeps going: Failed ad campaigns, hiring a pederast as a spokesperson, selling fake tuna, selling bread that has all the taste and consistency of furniture stuffing, and lunch meat that has more filler than a Kardashian's ass. Yet through it all, the unspoken "have it your way" USP of telling the sandwich slapper what you want on your sammy has prevailed to be the winning tactic the corporate dunces never acknowledge. Their corporate efficiency is apparently modeled after the Soviet Politburo.
It's so true! When I made a list of all the shitty moves Subway has made, I thought they've gotta be outta business. But their model of making you the sandwich exactly as you want it is remarkably powerful. Trouble is, those fools at corporate don't have any idea what their secret sauce is.
As a working journalist I received many, many press releases about Subway’s new number menu.
I noticed it did not include the “ANNE” which consists of turkey, provolone and EVERY VEGETABLE except lettuce, plus salt pepper oil and vinegar on a whole wheat roll. Foot-long of course. I have no problem eating the whole thing in one sitting.
I've never met anyone that looks at the subway menu to order lol. Honestly, I didn't even know they had a menu. But I do think it's hilarious how disconnected subway corporate is from how people order their sandwiches. Corporate America strikes again with it's unrivaled efficiency at wasting time and money!
In fairness to corporate, they did stick QR codes to the counter so you could read about how Subway uses real tuna, which is a great response to the fake the tuna problem they created.
Subway. My son, Eric, at the time probably 10 or 11, would order a ham sub, 6 inch, with only lettuce and tomato. That's it. That's how I would order it. Every time, they would ask me, "what other veggies would you like on it?" "None, just what I said, lettuce and tomato." "Oh, so nothing but lettuce and tomato?" "Yes." Me being me, I started to f**k with them. "Yeah, go ahead and throw some eggplant on there." "Dont have it?" "Wow, your other stores do." Funny, they didn't have broccoli florets either! One time I ordered using my Festus voice from Gunsmoke's tv western series. Really laid it on thick. When we got to the window (drive-up), the girl was surprised to hear a normal voice. She looked for a car behind me, there was no one behind me. She looked in the back seat of my suv, nope, empty. My son was looking out his window trying not to laugh. I'm so good at keeping a straight face. Good times...
Those do sound like good times, Bob. And while I don't know if I'd order a sandwich Eric's way, I certainly support ordering Bob's way. My only question is, where did you find a Subway with a drive-thru? I don't think I've ever seen one, and I don't know if I'd trust it since the thing about the Subway brand is you watch them assemble the sandwich.
Honestly when restaurants have numbers I get unnecessarily stressed out about whether or not I should be using the number or name and then often just say both the number and the name and it is not really helpful to me.
Spicy Italian has been my standard Subway order since like the 90s but trying to find it on the menu just confuses me further sometimes. Also turns out there are things that aren't on the menu you can still order. Everything is chaos!
It's a big day for me. I'm adding "hand could get sliced by sharp, hidden wipe destroying blade" to my list of "reasons not to stick my hand into a public toilet"
Subway had two that operated a drive up by where we live in Las Vegas. One stopped that service and remained a walk-in, the other either went out of business or moved. They were close by the only McDonald's I have ever seen that actually closed shop.
I haven't been to a Subway since most of them moved into gas stations and a Jimmy John's opened 1/2 mile from my house. Then I discovered that the grocery store Harris Teeter blows them both out of the water with larger subs for less with better, fresher ingredients. And I can order them in advance on their app. No numbers required.
That's a great discovery, Mark! I don't think I'm anywhere near a Harris Teeter, but believe it or not, the Whole Foods sandwich counter makes a better sandwich for roughly the same price as the Subway sub. The trick, however, is that you must leave the Whole Foods without purchasing anything else, otherwise it instantly becomes the most expensive sandwich of your life.
I think you're right. I saw a business documentary once about McDonalds and how the brand really struggled for a few years, but then bounced back. In the words of their CEO, "we took our eyes off the fries." He said that after challenging his executives to eat their food once or twice a week. If I'm not mistaken, I think all day breakfast at some locations also came out of those corporate learning sessions, aka field trips.
(1) already have completed all 12 steps of the Subway recovery :) If I think about Subway I find Chipotle
(2) This doesn't seem like much of a faux pas as Subway lives forever for choosing Jared the diddler.
(3) No but every toilet reference reminds me of the cultural high water mark of toilets will always be Japan!!!!
(4) We just watched Air -- he will always be basketball for me. I have a family member who interacted with him a lot before he was famous!!!! His is the best retirement planning commercial -- play a game you love and set yourself up for $400M passive income per year.
(5) A better toilet that does more stuff :) The Coen Bros could make sitting on the throne fun.
Air is on my list. Funny thing is, I would've paid to see it in theaters, but it's an Amazon original, so it had a very limited run, and now I'll watch it for free. Well, not free, but for the price I pay for free shipping. And yes, Subway has made some serious missteps. Jared is at the top of the list. Firing Phelps is up there for me. Also, the fake tuna debacle, and the yoga matt bread fiasco.
Air was good -- no spoilers. RE Seeing live we were going to see it but it came and went. The difference between good and bad in the sandwich world is epitomized by choosing DeVito versus Jared as your spokesperson. I miss sandwiches for sure so when I have one I have a good one. Like so many things, manufactured bread is a travesty.
I never realized how many origin stories make it to movies until you made me try to think of one. I guess it’s an easy safe story to make interesting. And I loved the movie Tetris also. It has everything you need in a movie.
We roam around the US and see a lot of towns for which I’d love to see the origin story. Probably they would make better documentaries or even mockumentaries.
Sticking my hand into a hospital toilet does not sound like something I would do. I wonder about the origin story for the people that thought of that product. And what’s the sales pitch for it? “Your employees will love you for letting them dig into random crap.”
(There is an edit feature on iOS. Press the three little dots.)
Whenever I go on roadtrips I pass through towns that make me want to stop the car and start asking questions. Perhaps I'm the mockumentarian you're looking for :)
I used to work in a deli on Highway One in Pacifica, California, just above the Pacific Ocean, 15 minutes south of San Francisco. My favorite sandwich wash a crab melt with Gruyere and thousand island dressing on a sourdough roll. I talked many customers into that one.
Did I read you wrote about the Valley porn industry, as in the San Fernando Valley? That's where I've lived since 1985. Once, my daughter and her friend were splashing in her kiddie pool on our lawn in Tarzana as a nude woman posed on top of a Corvette. I just shrugged. At least they weren't up in my business or bullies like the other neighbors.
I'm enjoying your pieces and now interested in your porn book.
First, let's the important stuff out of the way. That sandwich sound great! You did good work talking customers into trying that one.
Second, yes I wrote a book about the SFV porn industry. I was born and raised in the SFV and I worked as a reporter for an adult trade publication, so that's the inspiration for writing about the industry and my hometown. It's a comedic mystery, so if you find Situation Normal funny, studies show you'll enjoy Not Safe For Work.
I wish the comments had edit buttons. I forgot to add: I have never been harmed by a toilet, but I have written about the time I caused harm to a strange woman on a public restroom toilet. Not pretty. But she'll never forget me.
There is an edit button, but it's hidden. Click on the three dots next to the Reply button and you'll see an option to edit. As for the toilet incident, please feel free to share the link in the comments!
Hmm. That's weird. Maybe this is something to bring up in office hours. Could be a bug, or it could be that I'm the only one with editing rights on my Substack. But that's weird since it's YOUR comment. Sorry this is frustrating, but I love your comments and don't mind the typos.
1. I always got some variant of extra-processed Italian cuts. Despite a few years in different parts of Jersey, Mike hasn’t found me yet. I’m stealthy as the night itself.
2. It’s beautiful. I’m fond of the tail-chasing updates multiplayer games go through every six-months to convince you everything is all-new, all-different, and worth shelling out for a “season pass.” Overwatch became a particularly incomprehensible mass of dense content.
3. I would still be at war with God.
4. I’ve been digging to the bottom of cinema. I just saw Foodfight, which is an attack on the idea of animation. But we can go deeper.
5. Let’s run it through itself. A frustrated young director. A screenwriter with a dream. An actress with a secret. “Origins: the Origin” tells the true story behind the making of a Hot Wheels animated film in the eighties. The rest is Hollywood History.
I loved Tetris! Any movie where a prototype Game Boy is treated like the Ark of the Covenant has won me over.
If you like product origin stories, I recommend the podcast Business Wars, which turns corporate rivalries like Taco Bell vs. Chipotle and spins them into dramatic multi-part docuseries. It’s been one of my favorite podcasts for years.
Subway amuses me at how badly corporate fumbles everything and yet the company still keeps going: Failed ad campaigns, hiring a pederast as a spokesperson, selling fake tuna, selling bread that has all the taste and consistency of furniture stuffing, and lunch meat that has more filler than a Kardashian's ass. Yet through it all, the unspoken "have it your way" USP of telling the sandwich slapper what you want on your sammy has prevailed to be the winning tactic the corporate dunces never acknowledge. Their corporate efficiency is apparently modeled after the Soviet Politburo.
It's so true! When I made a list of all the shitty moves Subway has made, I thought they've gotta be outta business. But their model of making you the sandwich exactly as you want it is remarkably powerful. Trouble is, those fools at corporate don't have any idea what their secret sauce is.
As a working journalist I received many, many press releases about Subway’s new number menu.
I noticed it did not include the “ANNE” which consists of turkey, provolone and EVERY VEGETABLE except lettuce, plus salt pepper oil and vinegar on a whole wheat roll. Foot-long of course. I have no problem eating the whole thing in one sitting.
I’m ordering the Anne. Don’t care if it’s not on the menu. I’m going to make it a thing, grass roots style.
1.) I loved your book RIDE SHARE. Funny and poignant. It is about a part of contemporary life I knew nothing about, and now I do.
2.) I would really like to know your mom. I wish we were neighbors - but up here in Santa Cruz.
Thanks for always brightening my day.
You're welcome, Sharron! Thanks for buying a copy of Ride / Share! If you're inclined to leave a review on Amazon, even a short one, it really helps!
I've never met anyone that looks at the subway menu to order lol. Honestly, I didn't even know they had a menu. But I do think it's hilarious how disconnected subway corporate is from how people order their sandwiches. Corporate America strikes again with it's unrivaled efficiency at wasting time and money!
In fairness to corporate, they did stick QR codes to the counter so you could read about how Subway uses real tuna, which is a great response to the fake the tuna problem they created.
Subway. My son, Eric, at the time probably 10 or 11, would order a ham sub, 6 inch, with only lettuce and tomato. That's it. That's how I would order it. Every time, they would ask me, "what other veggies would you like on it?" "None, just what I said, lettuce and tomato." "Oh, so nothing but lettuce and tomato?" "Yes." Me being me, I started to f**k with them. "Yeah, go ahead and throw some eggplant on there." "Dont have it?" "Wow, your other stores do." Funny, they didn't have broccoli florets either! One time I ordered using my Festus voice from Gunsmoke's tv western series. Really laid it on thick. When we got to the window (drive-up), the girl was surprised to hear a normal voice. She looked for a car behind me, there was no one behind me. She looked in the back seat of my suv, nope, empty. My son was looking out his window trying not to laugh. I'm so good at keeping a straight face. Good times...
Those do sound like good times, Bob. And while I don't know if I'd order a sandwich Eric's way, I certainly support ordering Bob's way. My only question is, where did you find a Subway with a drive-thru? I don't think I've ever seen one, and I don't know if I'd trust it since the thing about the Subway brand is you watch them assemble the sandwich.
Honestly when restaurants have numbers I get unnecessarily stressed out about whether or not I should be using the number or name and then often just say both the number and the name and it is not really helpful to me.
Spicy Italian has been my standard Subway order since like the 90s but trying to find it on the menu just confuses me further sometimes. Also turns out there are things that aren't on the menu you can still order. Everything is chaos!
It's total chaos and these numbers aren't helping!
It's a big day for me. I'm adding "hand could get sliced by sharp, hidden wipe destroying blade" to my list of "reasons not to stick my hand into a public toilet"
THANK YOU MICHAEL
You're welcome, Chris! Keep your hands away from the bowl & stay safe!
Subway had two that operated a drive up by where we live in Las Vegas. One stopped that service and remained a walk-in, the other either went out of business or moved. They were close by the only McDonald's I have ever seen that actually closed shop.
I haven't been to a Subway since most of them moved into gas stations and a Jimmy John's opened 1/2 mile from my house. Then I discovered that the grocery store Harris Teeter blows them both out of the water with larger subs for less with better, fresher ingredients. And I can order them in advance on their app. No numbers required.
That's a great discovery, Mark! I don't think I'm anywhere near a Harris Teeter, but believe it or not, the Whole Foods sandwich counter makes a better sandwich for roughly the same price as the Subway sub. The trick, however, is that you must leave the Whole Foods without purchasing anything else, otherwise it instantly becomes the most expensive sandwich of your life.
Yup. In my travels, I have found that most grocery stores have a deli that makes good subs. But I always buy more than just the sub. 🤣
“Honestly, corporate worked really hard on the numbers.”
Honestly, I wonder if people at corporate actually eat at Subway!
I think you're right. I saw a business documentary once about McDonalds and how the brand really struggled for a few years, but then bounced back. In the words of their CEO, "we took our eyes off the fries." He said that after challenging his executives to eat their food once or twice a week. If I'm not mistaken, I think all day breakfast at some locations also came out of those corporate learning sessions, aka field trips.
Next time I go to Subway, I’m ordering the Anne and I’ll just remove the veggies I don’t like.
We can make this happen! The Anne will be a new sub, whether Subway likes it or not.
B4 the prompts -- Ted Chiang is one of my faves
(1) already have completed all 12 steps of the Subway recovery :) If I think about Subway I find Chipotle
(2) This doesn't seem like much of a faux pas as Subway lives forever for choosing Jared the diddler.
(3) No but every toilet reference reminds me of the cultural high water mark of toilets will always be Japan!!!!
(4) We just watched Air -- he will always be basketball for me. I have a family member who interacted with him a lot before he was famous!!!! His is the best retirement planning commercial -- play a game you love and set yourself up for $400M passive income per year.
(5) A better toilet that does more stuff :) The Coen Bros could make sitting on the throne fun.
Air is on my list. Funny thing is, I would've paid to see it in theaters, but it's an Amazon original, so it had a very limited run, and now I'll watch it for free. Well, not free, but for the price I pay for free shipping. And yes, Subway has made some serious missteps. Jared is at the top of the list. Firing Phelps is up there for me. Also, the fake tuna debacle, and the yoga matt bread fiasco.
Air was good -- no spoilers. RE Seeing live we were going to see it but it came and went. The difference between good and bad in the sandwich world is epitomized by choosing DeVito versus Jared as your spokesperson. I miss sandwiches for sure so when I have one I have a good one. Like so many things, manufactured bread is a travesty.
I never realized how many origin stories make it to movies until you made me try to think of one. I guess it’s an easy safe story to make interesting. And I loved the movie Tetris also. It has everything you need in a movie.
We roam around the US and see a lot of towns for which I’d love to see the origin story. Probably they would make better documentaries or even mockumentaries.
Sticking my hand into a hospital toilet does not sound like something I would do. I wonder about the origin story for the people that thought of that product. And what’s the sales pitch for it? “Your employees will love you for letting them dig into random crap.”
(There is an edit feature on iOS. Press the three little dots.)
Whenever I go on roadtrips I pass through towns that make me want to stop the car and start asking questions. Perhaps I'm the mockumentarian you're looking for :)
I used to work in a deli on Highway One in Pacifica, California, just above the Pacific Ocean, 15 minutes south of San Francisco. My favorite sandwich wash a crab melt with Gruyere and thousand island dressing on a sourdough roll. I talked many customers into that one.
Did I read you wrote about the Valley porn industry, as in the San Fernando Valley? That's where I've lived since 1985. Once, my daughter and her friend were splashing in her kiddie pool on our lawn in Tarzana as a nude woman posed on top of a Corvette. I just shrugged. At least they weren't up in my business or bullies like the other neighbors.
I'm enjoying your pieces and now interested in your porn book.
First, let's the important stuff out of the way. That sandwich sound great! You did good work talking customers into trying that one.
Second, yes I wrote a book about the SFV porn industry. I was born and raised in the SFV and I worked as a reporter for an adult trade publication, so that's the inspiration for writing about the industry and my hometown. It's a comedic mystery, so if you find Situation Normal funny, studies show you'll enjoy Not Safe For Work.
Sold! Looks like I found my next book. Thanks, Michael.
Amazing! Thank you so much for giving NSFW a chance!
I wish the comments had edit buttons. I forgot to add: I have never been harmed by a toilet, but I have written about the time I caused harm to a strange woman on a public restroom toilet. Not pretty. But she'll never forget me.
There is an edit button, but it's hidden. Click on the three dots next to the Reply button and you'll see an option to edit. As for the toilet incident, please feel free to share the link in the comments!
I did. The only options I see are "delete," "hide," or "share." I'll keep looking. I now see typos I want to fix.
Hmm. That's weird. Maybe this is something to bring up in office hours. Could be a bug, or it could be that I'm the only one with editing rights on my Substack. But that's weird since it's YOUR comment. Sorry this is frustrating, but I love your comments and don't mind the typos.
I read that the edit option disappears after a certain time. I guess I waited too long.
1. I always got some variant of extra-processed Italian cuts. Despite a few years in different parts of Jersey, Mike hasn’t found me yet. I’m stealthy as the night itself.
2. It’s beautiful. I’m fond of the tail-chasing updates multiplayer games go through every six-months to convince you everything is all-new, all-different, and worth shelling out for a “season pass.” Overwatch became a particularly incomprehensible mass of dense content.
3. I would still be at war with God.
4. I’ve been digging to the bottom of cinema. I just saw Foodfight, which is an attack on the idea of animation. But we can go deeper.
5. Let’s run it through itself. A frustrated young director. A screenwriter with a dream. An actress with a secret. “Origins: the Origin” tells the true story behind the making of a Hot Wheels animated film in the eighties. The rest is Hollywood History.
I think you've got a winning pitch. When this strike is over, I see a green light for "Origins: the Origin."
I loved Tetris! Any movie where a prototype Game Boy is treated like the Ark of the Covenant has won me over.
If you like product origin stories, I recommend the podcast Business Wars, which turns corporate rivalries like Taco Bell vs. Chipotle and spins them into dramatic multi-part docuseries. It’s been one of my favorite podcasts for years.
I need to check out business wars, thanks for the rec! And Tetris is on my list of movies to watch.