SNAFU at Subway Corporate | Dangerous toilets

Hello situation normies,

Welcome to another edition of Situation Normal! After last Sunday’s story about kids run amok at a local coffee house, I called my mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. According to my mom, Mother’s Day is a “bullshit” holiday ginned up by Big Greeting Card and Big Flowers. But since Mom loves cards and flowers, she’s all for it.

Speaking of my mom, she told me to tell you to upgrade your Situation Normal subscription. Mom never misses a story, and like all paying subscribers, she gets access to Situation Normal exclusives and the archives. Plus, anyone who remembers the “Gayle” situation knows that situation normies who upgrade to paid get a shout out in the Wednesday edition.

SHOUT OUT to dnlpryor! Thank you for upgrading to a paid subscription!

The sandwich artist knows a corporate SNAFU when he sees one

The other night, neither of us felt like making dinner.

“I kinda feel like Subway,” Christina said.

“I could eat fresh.”

When we got to Subway, Christina knew exactly what she wanted. I thought I wanted a turkey sandwich, but when I looked up at the menu I lost the thread.

“What happened to your menu?” I asked. “It looks so different.”

“Yeah, every sandwich has a number now,” the sandwich artist said.

I scanned the menu. Each sandwich had a number and a name: “All American Club,” “The Monster,” “Supreme Meats.” The names and numbers reminded me of another sandwich outfit called Jersey Mike’s, but I didn’t mention that because I didn’t want to upset the sandwich artist by talking about a rival.

“Oh yeah, the menu is totally different,” Christina said.

“Corporate made the change,” the sandwich artist explained. “They wanted to make it easier for customers.”

“Not for this guy,” Christina said.

She was kidding, but the pressure was real. I scanned the menu over and over again. Finally, I blurted out a number at random. Forty-nine seconds later, the sandwich artist handed me a six-inch roast beef and bacon sub—the exact opposite of your basic turkey sandwich.

“Really going off book, honey. You never get roast beef. Or bacon. What got into you?”

“The numbers,” I said. “I’ve been coming to Subway for decades, but these numbers change everything.”

“You’re like a new man,” Christina said.

“It’s like a new restaurant,” I said. “Tell me, are these new numbers a game-changer?”

“Honestly?” the sandwich artist said.

“Yeah, give it to me straight,” I said. “I can take it.”

“Honestly, corporate worked really hard on the numbers. Lots of research. They planned this for like a year, I heard. Then we got the new menus and they trained us on the new menus. It was a big deal. They were like, everyone is going to order sandwiches by the number now, you’ll see.”

“And it worked?” I asked.

“Not really,” the sandwich artist said. “You’re one of the few customers who even noticed the change.”

“Really?”

I couldn’t believe it. Corporate had put a lot of work into the new menu. There was market research. And spreadsheets. And PowerPoint presentations. Then someone at corporate probably put out an RFP for new menu designs. Vendors were hired. Notes were given. After countless meetings, emails, and Slack messages, a concept was approved. There was probably even a road show to implement the new menus. Corporate had worked really hard on this project. They had even commissioned take-away menus so that sandwiches aficionados like me could study the newly numbered sandwiches at home. What happened?

“Most people know what they want,” the sandwich artist said. “Our whole thing is, we make it in front of you, so tell us what to do. It doesn’t get any easier than that, right?”

Contributions from situation normies like you: Danger Toilet

I’ve never stuck my hand inside a toilet because it’s gross. But it can also be dangerous, especially at a hospital, where they booby-trap their toilets to drive up business. Hat tip to Meg Oolders for this one.

I’m writing books here!

Not Safe for Work is a comedic mystery based on my experience as a reporter at an adult trade publication. While I never solved a murder, I did capture the real Porn Valley vibe. That’s why industry praise means so much to me.

Michael’s book fucks. Especially the paperback version. It fucks so hard, I’ve got paper cuts.

— Magnus Cox, porn star, dumbass, NSFW fan

I’m watching here

This weekend, Christina and I watched The Faculty. If you ever wanted to see Josh Hartnett stab Jon Stewart in the eye with a meth-filled pen, The Faculty is the movie for you.

Situation newsworthy

• AI isn’t magic, but it might be the new consulting firm, science fiction author Ted Chiang writes in The New Yorker. Hat tip: Chris Duffy.

• Jeff Pearlman, who wrote the USFL book Football for a Buck, shared a good post about writing profiles of people who refuse to speak with you. As a former journalist, I’ve been in those shoes.

• Hollywood is making a lot of movies about the origins of iconic products like Air Jordans, Tetris, and BlackBerrys. What’s the deal? Alissa Wilkinson has some thoughts over at Vox.

• It’s tough landing a job in this economy, but your application improves dramatically if you 1) perform a heroic act and 2) said act goes viral. The Guardian has the story of a man who left his Applebees interview, saved a baby’s life, went viral, then landed the Applebees job!

• A massive swarm of bees injured two people in Los Angeles—and made the local news!

We’re chatting here!

You know the drill. I’ve got questions. You’ve got answers.

1. What’s your Subway order, or did Jersey Mike get to you too?

2. Isn’t it funny when corporate invests a lot of time, money, and energy into solving a problem that doesn’t need to be solved? Share your own stories of corporate misfires.

3. Have you ever been injured by a sharp device inside a toilet? Was there a sign that you ignored, or are you the reason for the sign?

4. Seen any good movies lately? Bonus points for a Josh Hartnett flick. Dude hasn’t been the same since Hollywood Homicide.

5. What product origin story should Hollywood tell next? Give us your best pitch!