Hello, situation normies! Later this year, I’ll get my first colonoscopy. I plan to write about it because 1) sharing funny stories from my life is the Situation Normal brand, 2) butt stuff is hilarious, and 3) I’ve always considered myself the Katie Couric of comedy.
Okay, so my husband currently has colon cancer (caught early and treatable thanks to a routine colonoscopy - go get one right now!) and I've been BEGGING HIM to let me refer to it as butt cancer on my Substack. So far he resists, but I *will* get my way. 💪
“What’s the deal with people who blast the audio on their phones at full volume in public? Are they unaware that headphones exist? Are they harbingers of society’s demise? Or, are they just assholes?”
The answer is D: They are unaware other people exist.
72yo male-I suggest forgoing the anethesia and driving yourself home. That's what I did on my 3rd and last colonoscopy as I didn't wish to inconvenience anyone and felt that it would fit in with my ongoing quest for stoicism. Was fine, no pain a little discomfort at the splenic flexure but very tolerable. Hate the prep, I suggest a clear liquid diet for 3-4 days prior to the exam and prep, that leaves little to flush out.
The missing actor is Julian Sands, and I’ve been a fan of his for a long time. The whole thing is very sad and although there is no ending, I can’t help but feel that it will be tragic since he’s been gone so long. But if you’re famous and meet a tragic end, I suppose it could be worse than getting lost in the mountains. I mean, just look at Anne Heche.
1. Fun, light-hearted and almost a PSA. Bad form to leave links. I wrote about this and titled it D-Day way back when. Sort of writes itself and the child in me could not avoid the butt references either. This procedure overrated and nothing compared to a concussion, broken bone or surgery of almost any kind. Buck up people!
2. Darwin will address this matter for those who listen to loud music whether just blasting or in ear-canal amplifiers...time to learn to lip read...karma
3.Wrong demographic -- at best a high school play :)
My doctor is a professor at UCSF, one of the top 10 hospitals in USA. She said to choose between colonoscopy every decade or sending in a sample annually, which, she said, is equally effective. I chose the less invasive and then she decided they're not equally effective, and that's not because her husband is a colorectal surgeon. I asked how old you have to be before you can stop and she said 80. I pointed out that if I delay my colonoscopy until I'm 51 I can get them at 61 and 71, but not 81, and save myself one. She said I was the first to ever point that out.
The only thing I said to the doctor during my first colonoscopy was, " Great drug, doc ... I haven't felt this happy since 1969." I returned for follow ups as as often as they would allow over the past forty years. Get your colonoscopy! It may save your life and it is pretty entertaining ...
As upset as I am with the Presidential mustache results I felt seen with your breakdown of who should have won. I reluctantly voted for W. I don't know why he looks good with a mustache. I do think Obama was ripped off with the mustache he was given though. You set him up for failure, Michael! The system is rigged!
The prep for a colonoscopy is set by someone with a bad sense of humor. On the wife’s first one, it took 3 days of drinking 2 gallons of strange concoctions and laying about feeling bad for herself. On my most recent one, I stopped eating nuts and seeds a week before. Finally, the morning before I drank the nasty stuff and that was all. Maybe science and technology is catching up.
What if my procedure is in LA county but I’m in Oregon?
I had a colonoscopy last year and what EVERYONE says about it is true: the procedure is a breeze (it was a little nap!) but the crap you drink tastes like satan’s pee and is the roughest thing I’ve ever had to consume. Ask your doctors why they haven’t figured out a better way to empty your butt by now. It’s 2023 dammit!
Okay, so my husband currently has colon cancer (caught early and treatable thanks to a routine colonoscopy - go get one right now!) and I've been BEGGING HIM to let me refer to it as butt cancer on my Substack. So far he resists, but I *will* get my way. 💪
“What’s the deal with people who blast the audio on their phones at full volume in public? Are they unaware that headphones exist? Are they harbingers of society’s demise? Or, are they just assholes?”
The answer is D: They are unaware other people exist.
72yo male-I suggest forgoing the anethesia and driving yourself home. That's what I did on my 3rd and last colonoscopy as I didn't wish to inconvenience anyone and felt that it would fit in with my ongoing quest for stoicism. Was fine, no pain a little discomfort at the splenic flexure but very tolerable. Hate the prep, I suggest a clear liquid diet for 3-4 days prior to the exam and prep, that leaves little to flush out.
The missing actor is Julian Sands, and I’ve been a fan of his for a long time. The whole thing is very sad and although there is no ending, I can’t help but feel that it will be tragic since he’s been gone so long. But if you’re famous and meet a tragic end, I suppose it could be worse than getting lost in the mountains. I mean, just look at Anne Heche.
1. Fun, light-hearted and almost a PSA. Bad form to leave links. I wrote about this and titled it D-Day way back when. Sort of writes itself and the child in me could not avoid the butt references either. This procedure overrated and nothing compared to a concussion, broken bone or surgery of almost any kind. Buck up people!
2. Darwin will address this matter for those who listen to loud music whether just blasting or in ear-canal amplifiers...time to learn to lip read...karma
3.Wrong demographic -- at best a high school play :)
My doctor is a professor at UCSF, one of the top 10 hospitals in USA. She said to choose between colonoscopy every decade or sending in a sample annually, which, she said, is equally effective. I chose the less invasive and then she decided they're not equally effective, and that's not because her husband is a colorectal surgeon. I asked how old you have to be before you can stop and she said 80. I pointed out that if I delay my colonoscopy until I'm 51 I can get them at 61 and 71, but not 81, and save myself one. She said I was the first to ever point that out.
The only thing I said to the doctor during my first colonoscopy was, " Great drug, doc ... I haven't felt this happy since 1969." I returned for follow ups as as often as they would allow over the past forty years. Get your colonoscopy! It may save your life and it is pretty entertaining ...
As upset as I am with the Presidential mustache results I felt seen with your breakdown of who should have won. I reluctantly voted for W. I don't know why he looks good with a mustache. I do think Obama was ripped off with the mustache he was given though. You set him up for failure, Michael! The system is rigged!
The prep for a colonoscopy is set by someone with a bad sense of humor. On the wife’s first one, it took 3 days of drinking 2 gallons of strange concoctions and laying about feeling bad for herself. On my most recent one, I stopped eating nuts and seeds a week before. Finally, the morning before I drank the nasty stuff and that was all. Maybe science and technology is catching up.
What if my procedure is in LA county but I’m in Oregon?
I had a colonoscopy last year and what EVERYONE says about it is true: the procedure is a breeze (it was a little nap!) but the crap you drink tastes like satan’s pee and is the roughest thing I’ve ever had to consume. Ask your doctors why they haven’t figured out a better way to empty your butt by now. It’s 2023 dammit!
Re the people on their phones without headphones: assholes. Unquestionably assholes.
A free ride to any medical procedure in Los Angeles is officially the best Substack subscription benefit.