77 Comments

Every week, I read your Sunday report to She Who Must Be Obeyed. If it makes her laugh out loud, Lynn has to make breakfast. Thanks to you, Michael, I am up five pounds!

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OMG, I love this, Bill! Your weight gain is the metric of my success. Thank you & I'm so sorry!

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I love this deal. There is a life lesson here.

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I rarely play the lottery. I tossed in at work when the prize was in the billions but otherwise I mostly forget the thing exists. Gambling isn't fun for me. My mom grew up in the Great Depression and passed on her frugality to me.

Also, I had a friend who won the California lottery back in the Nineties. He split 8 million with his dad, paid out over the next 20 years. I figure that knowing someone who won makes me statistically less likely to win.

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That's an amazing story about your friend, David! And here I am saying, you always lose, but you've got the friend and their dad to prove otherwise.

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i had a high school friend adopted from birth split a HUGE lottery winning with 4 people and went out from New England to Oregon FOUND his birth mother and bought her a ranch or so the story goes always felt that was a story i wish i'd had a chance to discuss with him he was entertaining as hell

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That's a heck of a story!

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Laugh out loud funny. And farewell Florida!

1. Winner here. Mom was a gambler, I got all the other addictions.

2. I don’t know. We got chocolate gelt that I lost at dreidel, because I couldn’t spend it on drugs.

3. I like the Wawa guy’s slogan.

4. Another Florida mystery.

5. I think you can get lumps of coal made of chocolate on Amazon. Or is it at Dollar Tree?

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Thank you, CL! I think there are lumps of chocolate coal in my future.

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Of course, you’ll have to commit to the bit.

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4. Because even scientific reactions want to avoid Florida Man!

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Thank you for doing the Beyond Questionnaire!! I love your answers! 😻

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Thank you for asking me!

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1. Like your Christina's family, this Christina's family--sorry, Santa--puts $20 worth of scratchers in 5 stockings. Four people win $0, and one of us wins somewhere between $4-14. That's the only time of year we "invest" in the lottery. We do it because we get little mini-highs thinking we might win $50,000 and also it's SOMETHING to put in the stocking.

5. Speaking of what to put in stockings: socks, chap stick, gift cards of $25 or less. Wrap everything. Like scratchers, the thrill of the stocking stuffers is the anticipation of what you might open (a diamond ring!) and what you actually open (a single Lindt chocolate!).

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I think it's all about the mini-high of what you might do if you win.

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Great piece, Michael. Moving from Chicago to Philly in the mid-‘90’s (where a lot of Italian-Americans reside), I heard a lot of talk about going to Grandma’s for Sunday dinner, featuring “macaroni and gravy.” It sounds disgusting, but it actually means spaghetti with red sauce - who knew?

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Thanks Bill! First few times I heard it called gravy, I was concerned. I totally get now. But I do wonder if some Italian-Americans expect red sauce when they're told that there will be gravy at Thanksgiving?

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In stockings, we've always included foil covered chocolate coins with other small gifts, along with a few scratch tickets, socks and underwear. Now however, the foil covered chocolate coins are frowned upon. Our kids want better chocolate. So next year I'll need to work harder to find better foil covered chocolate coins, if we do it at all.

As an aside, traditionally the stockings were big wool ones you'd wear as a second layer going outside in the winter. They'd be hung by the fireplace to dry from that day's use and perhaps washing. When I was young, for a few years we actually used our big wool socks for the Christmas morning tradition. Everyone buys huge fancy ones these days. That's not the same.

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Thanks for sharing your Christmas tradition, Ken. I liked hearing about the actual wool socks. Mine is a Dodgers themed stocking, since I’m a Dodgers fan

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Love you too.

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I think everyone would have won had the two Florida Men gone "BOOM!" Well, everyone not within the blast zone.

As for Christmas stockings, we used to love doing them before we became nomads and stopped doing gifts altogether. In fact, at some point we'd stopped doing gifts because we were grownups who had everything we needed, so we just switched to stockings which we filled with fun, silly stuff.

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I'm glad you weighed in on this one, Michael! I'll bet you two have made some fun stockings while traveling. The stocking seems like a perfect nomad Christmas option.

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We've actually drifted away from event that. But methinks we should start it again...

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I think so! And think how much fun it'll be for us to read a story about all the silly stuff you go searching for.

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1. Attitude about gambling is the same as yours, and a progressive tax (rather than lottery funds) would be a much saner way to fund schools!

2. I'm thinking silver dollars and 2 dollar bills because not ordinary, more likely to be saved, or spent on something special rather than just go into change purse or wallet.

5. We opened presents on xmas morning, but I wasn't allowed to open presents until widowed aunt and cousin came, after breakfast, so getting the stocking, climbing into bed with my parents, was the way to get a little celebration into the long wait! And the stocking often had a small book, some sweets. But somewhere for my own daughter i also started giving her funny, fancy socks in the stocking...amused me no end, I don't know how she felt about it!

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I appreciate that perspective on the reason for silver dollars and 2 dollar bills. I always got the impression that my grandparents saw the silver dollar as somehow being real value, whereas the $2 bill was this weird novelty thing. They never said this, I don't think. But that was the feeling I remember as a kid. But I like your interpretation better!

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1. One of the most influential moments in my young life was when one of my uncles showed me a stack of losing lottery tickets he claimed were worth $10,000. He said he could've bought a new car had he never played. Alas, I never played.

2. I think there's a novelty factor that makes these items seem more valuable than their eponymous worth. Somehow a $2 bill feels like it's worth much, much more.

3. Aiding and abetting poverty, one day at a time.

4. They were visitors from Minnesota masquerading as Florida Men.

5. Reeses Christmas Trees. Can't go wrong.

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Are Minnesota Men the Florida Men of the Midwest? Also, you should write about that experience with your uncle. It's a vivid scene, plus it had resonance for you. I'd read that essay.

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Ha, probably Indiana Men are the Midwest analogues, but Minnesota struck me as funnier in the moment.

I like that idea about the lotto tickets essay. It was indeed one of those indelible takeaways from childhood.

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In the early 90s when I was at college, my parents’ house was robbed & those jerks took a large stash of silver dollars from my bedroom closet that I had saved up from gifts from my grandparents... Still steamed about that.

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Wow, I’m steamed for you. That’s a heavy heist and for sure those thieves must’ve known it was a grandparent gift. That’s low stuff.

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1) Nope. No lottery for me.

2) Years ago, I bought a man's vintage cardigan at a San Fernando Valley garage sale. In one of the pockets, a 1933 one dollar "silver certificate"-- meaning, it was backed by silver and had value.

3) Those WaWa gas-pumping, joint-tokers didn't explode due to the excessive spittle which naturally occurs when breathing in marijuana and gasoline fumes, simultaneously.

Also, they psychically understood your concern, decided you were right, put out the lit joint, got back in their vehicle, and made plans to become more thoughtful citizens who would never jeopardize the safety of others... or they got lucky and decided to test that luck on some gas station lottery tickets, where they did win tens of thousands of dollars, which they donated to Dumbasses Injured by Smoking Doobies (I'm a 1970's kid who doesn't know current drug lingo) While Pumping Gas fund.

*PS. I love stuffing Christmas stockings, and fill them with bizarre and whimsical things: bubble blowing pipes that look pickles; disappearing penny magic tricks, vintage Drakkar Noir sample bottles (found in a vintage shop, and still smelling like my husband in 1987 when we began dating)...

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Love everything about this comment, Michele! Do you recall how much that silver certificate was worth? What a find, btw! And your explanation of the doobie dudes was perfect!

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I went looking for it and can't find it. Years ago, I Googled it and think it was about 20 or 30 dollars.

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Despite knowing that the lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math, I will buy a ticket when the payoff is hundreds of millions.. So far that strategy has not worked.

Silver dollars are worth more than a dollar, either in the value of the silver or on the collectors market. Two dollar bills are good for confusing cashiers who think they are phony.

Lotto slogan, "One in 292 million. You know it's gonna be you."

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I like this slogan! Also, I must admit that when Lotto jackpots reach 1 billion or more, I am tempted, but I can't seem to get my act together in time, which probably saves me a few bucks a year.

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