The most fascinating part of this is that you had never had a pre-meeting up until that point. Then I realized as a married man as well that unless your spouse mentions having a pre-meeting, it may never occur to you. I've also just realized that not only are you providing humor, but marriage counseling advice. As such, your Substack is easily a $300/month service and can charge insurance. Congratulations on the raise!
I think we may have had pre-meetings without ever calling them that. I recall a lot of meetings to plan our wedding, for instance. But this was the moment when the whole pre-meeting concept really came together for us. But I'm burying the lede here, Brian! You're writing, this newsletter isn't just humor, it's also marriage counseling. At your $300 / rate, I'll be rich! Thank you!
My worst car was red 84 Firebird I drove in 94. The rear-wheel drive was not so great in the Buffalo snow. It overheated every 20 miles. Finally one day on the highway the whole engine just melted into a single block of metal and that was it. I was so happy.
I sold my last car, an 88Grand Am when I lived in Queens in 96. I put a classified ad in the daily news and two guys who didn’t speak English showed up at my door and gave me $500 and drove it away. I was so happy.
I hate owning a car. I will never again live in a place that requires driving. NYC rocks.
One of my favorite things about living in NYC was the fact that I didn’t need to own a car. Even when the car is great and everything works, it can feel like a hassle, especially looking for parking. I hate that. Unfortunately, I don’t see us going car-free in Los Angeles; it’s possible, but really difficult in our area. I envy your car-free ways!
There doesn't appear to be much car nostalgia in Brooklyn :) Buffalo always did such a steady job filling the potholes and clearing the snow anyhow so a rear drive must have been "fun". All sentences that begin "I will never..." are amongst the very best.
When I totaled my beloved VW Rabbit in the late 80's, I needed a car fast and wound up with a used, baby blanket-blue Mercury Lynx, then a cousin of the Fort Escort. It was a two-door hatchback with doors that weighed a thousand pounds apiece. I hated that car, not because of anything particular it did to me, but because I really wanted my VW Rabbit back.
I gave it zero respect: I gunned through and over snow banks, I drove it through a black and white toll booth barrier on the Garden State Parkway (twice), I slammed those damn doors as hard as I could in retaliation for how hard they made it to put anything (like my son, food for the week) into the back seat. I even impaled it on a concrete barrier after pulling forward out of a parking space instead of reversing. The car kept going. And going. And going. When I could finally afford a new car, I got a Mazda 323 hatchback with FOUR doors the Lynx found a new life with a man who paid me $800 and then told me he was going to use it to commute with six other men from Manhattan to the restaurant they worked in down the road. Last I knew, it was still going.
The poor Mazada though: I'd only owned it a few months when I backed it into the concrete base of a streetlight in front of my new boss at the time.
This was a FUN story Elizabeth! Its funny what we just fall in love with whether a car, a pair of shoes or something else. For you it was that Rabbit. A Lynx was never going to do. I always thought it was a bad deal when they stopped naming cars and just started with the numbers. Yuk.
Elizabeth, this is such a great story about cars and drivers. I don't think you ever got over the loss of VW. But I don't blame you. Those Rabbits really captured the imagination in the 80s. As for whether or not the problem is you, I don't know. But even if the problem is you, I'm here for your car memories - they're great! Thank you for sharing this!
Fun story. Seems like one bad car is a small price to pay to connect you and your wife. Best car ever is easy. Won $5000 off price and bought the first year Honda Pilot in 2003. All three of my boys drove it through college, always safe and reliable and then became the safe vehicle for protecting my first grandson. Eventually donated to charity. Simply would not die. Probably over 250K and transmission was just fine :) -- my dream car is when autonomy and driverless become a reality so I will just be able to sit in the back and chat and go anywhere..
I think you’re right that a bad lease is a small price to pay for better communication. And at this point, we just laugh about the experience and remind ourselves of the lesson we learned. So that’s a win in my book!
Love that you donated The Pilot. I donated the Midnight Rider to our local public radio station. That felt fitting since I had used that car a lot when I was a journalist and I liked the idea that it would continue funding local journalism.
NPR & MPR have been getting my money and ear for many years. Cool that you supported that cause! Our local affiliate MPR is amongst the best endowed of any Public Radio resource in the country. The former Joan Mansfield married Ray Kroc (McDonalds). She left an ENORMOUS gift to Minnesota Public Radio. The Krocs met in a nightclub in St. Paul where she was singing.
I agree so heartily about donating! For me the donation was really amazing as things come back to you. We have donated three cars over the years to the same charitable organization.
I have a relative (one of my dad's cousins) who contracted polio in the 1940s. Her parents in Buffalo NY were rather forward thinking regarding care as he was a physician. Despite prevailing attitudes, they shipped their 3-4 year old daughter off by train for almost two years to the Twin Cities. Sister Eizabeth Kenney, largely credited with establishing the concepts of physical therapy shopped the country for takers of her then controversial treatment for polio she had developed in Australia as a bush nurse and got no takers until the University of Minnesota gave her an opportunity. She established the Kenney Institute in Minneapolis and this later became the 'cure' for polio. Facilities by that name emerged all over the United States eventually. Most large cities have a former Kenney Institute. My relative returned home in two years able to walk. She has lived most of her life in a fulfilling fashion and only now, in her late 70s has lost her mobility.
We did the donation not knowing the story. Fast forward a few years and I organized a family genealogy outreach with one of MLs brothers. We came to know the rest of the story and it only made the original donation a bit sweeter. One od theae nights I will blog about it I think with her permission.
The prompts: 1. My first car, a 1991 Pontiac Grand Prix. Starting at 15, I worked for a whole year to save up for it and it became a perennial money sink. Have hated cars ever since. 2. Never named a car, but my daughter named our Subaru Outback "Avery." 3. A bike. 4. As mentioned before, we have one car but ride bikes almost exclusively nowadays. Despite the winters, Chicago is an amazing biking city. We splurged for a front-loading cargo bike in 2021 and that's how we shuttle our kids around town. Best purchase ever. 5. Neither you, nor your partner, will change as much as you might hope. Make sure you actually like the person you're signing up with (happily married eight years here).
I did a short term consult with a company QBP, Quality Bicycle Parts here in the Twin Cities. It was my introduction to bicycle culture. Happy people who are thrilled by what they gain by embracing a bike and letting go of a car. The cities are crazy bike-friendly despite the weather. While I never became a bike junkie, there is still time. QBP.com is the ultimate website for bike-crazies. My favorite memory of the experience was the incredible number of employees who commuted to work by bicycle even in winter! Studded tires! The trail system makes getting just about anywhere, at least in 3-4 counties pretty easy and safe.
That's awesome, will check out the site! Biking has completely reinvented my family's relationship with the city in the best possible way. One day, when the kids are a little older, I think we might be able to drop to no car, and two cargo bikes. A man can dream...
It was one of the most unusual corporate cultures I ever ezperienced. I would not be surprised if one of the bikes you ride is one of theirs. They are the biggest supplier to bike shops and you can't go into a shop without seeing their catalog.
Dream car? I currently drive a 2012 Mazda5, best car I've ever owned, and they stopped making 'em, so now I am adrift. I had a 1979 Malibu Classic that I called "Pavement" because of its worn grey paint and a 1999 Chevy Venture minivan that I called "Blue Box" and tried to pass off as a truck, even as my friends laughed at me. I used words like "ladder-frame" and "rack and pinion" but to no avail.
“Is there anything we can do to put you in a new car?” a salesman asked. “Yeah, you can sell me a Toyota.” BEST LINE EVER, Michael! Totally cracked me up. My son always buys a car with a manual transmission - says it is the best theft prevention you can get, as hardly anyone knows how to drive one these days. MY dream car would have two things: an ATM on the dashboard that draws on someone else's bank account and a JIF-EE toilet. Just saying. Sharron at 🍁LEAVES.
My worst car was a Ford Pinto. Its main feature was a $99 a month car payment. Nicked a hole in the oil pan. They had to lift the engine to fix it. The catalytic converter, back before they were steal-able, clogged up and the mechanic suggested ramming a rod through it to open it up.
Never liked a car enough to know its name.
My dream car now would be a tiny cheap comfortable electric car that could move my RV home from place to place. Instead of that, I drive a huge RAM 3500 that drink diesel like a college freshman drinks cheap beer.
My idea is to live someplace within walking distance of a decent restaurant, a friendly bar, and a large grocery store.
The Ford Pinto is a classic in the car-hate genre, but to be honest I never knew why. You might be the first person who I've heard from who owned a Pinto. But you make a great case for why it's a lousy car.
Glad you two got on the same page about big decisions. The Ford Fiesta sounds like complete garbage!
Dark Helmet is a wonderful name for a car. We named our current car Wally, after Wallace Shawn. It’s a Honda Fit and I love it. It’s compact car with the ability to haul lots of stuff when needed due to drop down back seats.
Nice! Do you sometimes finding yourself explaining that the car is named after Wallace Shawn and not the movie Wall-E? People assume we named our dog, Mortimer, after Rick and Morty, but he’s actually named after one of the villains in Trading Places. I don’t mind explaining, unless someone has never seen Trading Places, because I usually end up feeling old.
Nobody besides my partner and I refer to our car by its name, but Wally's "voice" (when I'm speaking as Wally for goof purposes) is a computer voice, so I could absolutely see someone being confused.
I love the "party mode" quote by the salesman, as if that is the most valuable aspect about the car. I currently drive a semi-automatic white Fiat that I both love and hate. I love cause its a tiny thing and an excuse not to drive people around in, since it's so small. Hate it because when it has about half a tank of gas, the car shakes just a little and takes a few beats to speed up which means there have been several times I've nearly gotten into accidents because my car slowed down and then slowly sped up.
The funny thing is I don't think we used party mode once in the three years that we leased the Ford Fiesta. Thanks for sharing about your Fiat, here's hoping the tank is always full and the shaking stays to a minimum!
My worst Car purchase was buying a 2001 PT Cruiser at a mob owned dealership in NJ. I got roped into an "offer I couldn't refuse" with a payment plan that cost me $36K on a car only worth $20K. It had 5 recalls on it and by the time I got rid of it in 2017, I figured I spent $50K in repairs on it. I long for the day when the Chrysler Board of Directors spend eternity roasting in hell while trapped in a PT Cruiser.
As for relationships, all I can offer is that you should get rid of any car where you spend more time yelling at each other over how to get the GPS and Radio to work instead of joyfully listening to music.
This story has strong Sopranos vibes. Also, I seem to recall a lot of excitement for the PT Cruiser when it came out. Only one of my friends bought one. As for as I know, he purchased his PT Cruiser from a non-mafia dealership. But like you, he came to hate the PT Cruiser. Thankfully, his was stolen and he used the insurance money for a downpayment on a better car.
I love this story as much as you hated that car. I'm also the only person in North America who didn't own a car until I was 58 years old. Yes, I was a normal kid from a normal family so I obtained my driver's license on my 16th birthday. I couldn't afford a car then because I was saving up to go to Europe on a gap year. I extended my gap year to four decades but never owned a car. First, I couldn't afford one. When I moved to Copenhagen there was a car in my corporate benefits package but we lived in a very centrally located place, had no parking, and great public transport right outside our front door. I waked to work and if we went on a road trip, we rented. We rented so many cars from Hertz that I received a letter from the President welcoming me to his "club". When we moved to Brussels car privileges were again included in the package. The same amount that would get us a Ford Mondeo in Denmark was enough for a BMW 5-series in Belgium. We drove that company-leased car for three years and were then required to turn it in for a new one. The salespeople at the dealership hated me because both times we renewed, I just asked for the same model, same colour, same everything.
When we moved to Canada, it was necessary to buy a car. I know nothing about cars except how to drive them. After driving a BMW in Belgium, I can qualify for any F1 team. I called my brother who knows about everything and how it works. (He took our fridge apart when he was 10 and six months later he made it work again although he never did figure out why he had leftover parts. I assume he figured they were causing the problem and it was nice to not have to drink warm milk). He said, "Buy a Honda." so we did. It still works but the dealership hates us because we have less than 20 000 miles on it after six years...
The most fascinating part of this is that you had never had a pre-meeting up until that point. Then I realized as a married man as well that unless your spouse mentions having a pre-meeting, it may never occur to you. I've also just realized that not only are you providing humor, but marriage counseling advice. As such, your Substack is easily a $300/month service and can charge insurance. Congratulations on the raise!
I think we may have had pre-meetings without ever calling them that. I recall a lot of meetings to plan our wedding, for instance. But this was the moment when the whole pre-meeting concept really came together for us. But I'm burying the lede here, Brian! You're writing, this newsletter isn't just humor, it's also marriage counseling. At your $300 / rate, I'll be rich! Thank you!
My worst car was red 84 Firebird I drove in 94. The rear-wheel drive was not so great in the Buffalo snow. It overheated every 20 miles. Finally one day on the highway the whole engine just melted into a single block of metal and that was it. I was so happy.
I sold my last car, an 88Grand Am when I lived in Queens in 96. I put a classified ad in the daily news and two guys who didn’t speak English showed up at my door and gave me $500 and drove it away. I was so happy.
I hate owning a car. I will never again live in a place that requires driving. NYC rocks.
One of my favorite things about living in NYC was the fact that I didn’t need to own a car. Even when the car is great and everything works, it can feel like a hassle, especially looking for parking. I hate that. Unfortunately, I don’t see us going car-free in Los Angeles; it’s possible, but really difficult in our area. I envy your car-free ways!
There doesn't appear to be much car nostalgia in Brooklyn :) Buffalo always did such a steady job filling the potholes and clearing the snow anyhow so a rear drive must have been "fun". All sentences that begin "I will never..." are amongst the very best.
When I totaled my beloved VW Rabbit in the late 80's, I needed a car fast and wound up with a used, baby blanket-blue Mercury Lynx, then a cousin of the Fort Escort. It was a two-door hatchback with doors that weighed a thousand pounds apiece. I hated that car, not because of anything particular it did to me, but because I really wanted my VW Rabbit back.
I gave it zero respect: I gunned through and over snow banks, I drove it through a black and white toll booth barrier on the Garden State Parkway (twice), I slammed those damn doors as hard as I could in retaliation for how hard they made it to put anything (like my son, food for the week) into the back seat. I even impaled it on a concrete barrier after pulling forward out of a parking space instead of reversing. The car kept going. And going. And going. When I could finally afford a new car, I got a Mazda 323 hatchback with FOUR doors the Lynx found a new life with a man who paid me $800 and then told me he was going to use it to commute with six other men from Manhattan to the restaurant they worked in down the road. Last I knew, it was still going.
The poor Mazada though: I'd only owned it a few months when I backed it into the concrete base of a streetlight in front of my new boss at the time.
Perhaps the problem was me?
This was a FUN story Elizabeth! Its funny what we just fall in love with whether a car, a pair of shoes or something else. For you it was that Rabbit. A Lynx was never going to do. I always thought it was a bad deal when they stopped naming cars and just started with the numbers. Yuk.
Elizabeth, this is such a great story about cars and drivers. I don't think you ever got over the loss of VW. But I don't blame you. Those Rabbits really captured the imagination in the 80s. As for whether or not the problem is you, I don't know. But even if the problem is you, I'm here for your car memories - they're great! Thank you for sharing this!
Fun story. Seems like one bad car is a small price to pay to connect you and your wife. Best car ever is easy. Won $5000 off price and bought the first year Honda Pilot in 2003. All three of my boys drove it through college, always safe and reliable and then became the safe vehicle for protecting my first grandson. Eventually donated to charity. Simply would not die. Probably over 250K and transmission was just fine :) -- my dream car is when autonomy and driverless become a reality so I will just be able to sit in the back and chat and go anywhere..
I think you’re right that a bad lease is a small price to pay for better communication. And at this point, we just laugh about the experience and remind ourselves of the lesson we learned. So that’s a win in my book!
Love that you donated The Pilot. I donated the Midnight Rider to our local public radio station. That felt fitting since I had used that car a lot when I was a journalist and I liked the idea that it would continue funding local journalism.
NPR & MPR have been getting my money and ear for many years. Cool that you supported that cause! Our local affiliate MPR is amongst the best endowed of any Public Radio resource in the country. The former Joan Mansfield married Ray Kroc (McDonalds). She left an ENORMOUS gift to Minnesota Public Radio. The Krocs met in a nightclub in St. Paul where she was singing.
I agree so heartily about donating! For me the donation was really amazing as things come back to you. We have donated three cars over the years to the same charitable organization.
I have a relative (one of my dad's cousins) who contracted polio in the 1940s. Her parents in Buffalo NY were rather forward thinking regarding care as he was a physician. Despite prevailing attitudes, they shipped their 3-4 year old daughter off by train for almost two years to the Twin Cities. Sister Eizabeth Kenney, largely credited with establishing the concepts of physical therapy shopped the country for takers of her then controversial treatment for polio she had developed in Australia as a bush nurse and got no takers until the University of Minnesota gave her an opportunity. She established the Kenney Institute in Minneapolis and this later became the 'cure' for polio. Facilities by that name emerged all over the United States eventually. Most large cities have a former Kenney Institute. My relative returned home in two years able to walk. She has lived most of her life in a fulfilling fashion and only now, in her late 70s has lost her mobility.
We did the donation not knowing the story. Fast forward a few years and I organized a family genealogy outreach with one of MLs brothers. We came to know the rest of the story and it only made the original donation a bit sweeter. One od theae nights I will blog about it I think with her permission.
The prompts: 1. My first car, a 1991 Pontiac Grand Prix. Starting at 15, I worked for a whole year to save up for it and it became a perennial money sink. Have hated cars ever since. 2. Never named a car, but my daughter named our Subaru Outback "Avery." 3. A bike. 4. As mentioned before, we have one car but ride bikes almost exclusively nowadays. Despite the winters, Chicago is an amazing biking city. We splurged for a front-loading cargo bike in 2021 and that's how we shuttle our kids around town. Best purchase ever. 5. Neither you, nor your partner, will change as much as you might hope. Make sure you actually like the person you're signing up with (happily married eight years here).
There’s a lot of good advice in this comment - about cars, bikes, and marriage!
I did a short term consult with a company QBP, Quality Bicycle Parts here in the Twin Cities. It was my introduction to bicycle culture. Happy people who are thrilled by what they gain by embracing a bike and letting go of a car. The cities are crazy bike-friendly despite the weather. While I never became a bike junkie, there is still time. QBP.com is the ultimate website for bike-crazies. My favorite memory of the experience was the incredible number of employees who commuted to work by bicycle even in winter! Studded tires! The trail system makes getting just about anywhere, at least in 3-4 counties pretty easy and safe.
That's awesome, will check out the site! Biking has completely reinvented my family's relationship with the city in the best possible way. One day, when the kids are a little older, I think we might be able to drop to no car, and two cargo bikes. A man can dream...
It was one of the most unusual corporate cultures I ever ezperienced. I would not be surprised if one of the bikes you ride is one of theirs. They are the biggest supplier to bike shops and you can't go into a shop without seeing their catalog.
Dream car? I currently drive a 2012 Mazda5, best car I've ever owned, and they stopped making 'em, so now I am adrift. I had a 1979 Malibu Classic that I called "Pavement" because of its worn grey paint and a 1999 Chevy Venture minivan that I called "Blue Box" and tried to pass off as a truck, even as my friends laughed at me. I used words like "ladder-frame" and "rack and pinion" but to no avail.
What’s the name of the 2012 Mazda5? And damn those bastards for discontinuing greatness!
Haha! Never named the Moz, should be "Old Paint"!
Old Paint it is!
I don't have a car, nor do I have a licence (though I could if I wanted to) and get around by either walking, or getting rides from people.
sounds like a dream, sign me up!
Try walking up and down hills in sneakers while it's snowing...
ok, that part doesn't sound so good
“Is there anything we can do to put you in a new car?” a salesman asked. “Yeah, you can sell me a Toyota.” BEST LINE EVER, Michael! Totally cracked me up. My son always buys a car with a manual transmission - says it is the best theft prevention you can get, as hardly anyone knows how to drive one these days. MY dream car would have two things: an ATM on the dashboard that draws on someone else's bank account and a JIF-EE toilet. Just saying. Sharron at 🍁LEAVES.
I think your son is on to something with manual transmissions and theft prevention!
My worst car was a Ford Pinto. Its main feature was a $99 a month car payment. Nicked a hole in the oil pan. They had to lift the engine to fix it. The catalytic converter, back before they were steal-able, clogged up and the mechanic suggested ramming a rod through it to open it up.
Never liked a car enough to know its name.
My dream car now would be a tiny cheap comfortable electric car that could move my RV home from place to place. Instead of that, I drive a huge RAM 3500 that drink diesel like a college freshman drinks cheap beer.
My idea is to live someplace within walking distance of a decent restaurant, a friendly bar, and a large grocery store.
The Ford Pinto is a classic in the car-hate genre, but to be honest I never knew why. You might be the first person who I've heard from who owned a Pinto. But you make a great case for why it's a lousy car.
Glad you two got on the same page about big decisions. The Ford Fiesta sounds like complete garbage!
Dark Helmet is a wonderful name for a car. We named our current car Wally, after Wallace Shawn. It’s a Honda Fit and I love it. It’s compact car with the ability to haul lots of stuff when needed due to drop down back seats.
Nice! Do you sometimes finding yourself explaining that the car is named after Wallace Shawn and not the movie Wall-E? People assume we named our dog, Mortimer, after Rick and Morty, but he’s actually named after one of the villains in Trading Places. I don’t mind explaining, unless someone has never seen Trading Places, because I usually end up feeling old.
Nobody besides my partner and I refer to our car by its name, but Wally's "voice" (when I'm speaking as Wally for goof purposes) is a computer voice, so I could absolutely see someone being confused.
I love the "party mode" quote by the salesman, as if that is the most valuable aspect about the car. I currently drive a semi-automatic white Fiat that I both love and hate. I love cause its a tiny thing and an excuse not to drive people around in, since it's so small. Hate it because when it has about half a tank of gas, the car shakes just a little and takes a few beats to speed up which means there have been several times I've nearly gotten into accidents because my car slowed down and then slowly sped up.
The funny thing is I don't think we used party mode once in the three years that we leased the Ford Fiesta. Thanks for sharing about your Fiat, here's hoping the tank is always full and the shaking stays to a minimum!
My worst Car purchase was buying a 2001 PT Cruiser at a mob owned dealership in NJ. I got roped into an "offer I couldn't refuse" with a payment plan that cost me $36K on a car only worth $20K. It had 5 recalls on it and by the time I got rid of it in 2017, I figured I spent $50K in repairs on it. I long for the day when the Chrysler Board of Directors spend eternity roasting in hell while trapped in a PT Cruiser.
As for relationships, all I can offer is that you should get rid of any car where you spend more time yelling at each other over how to get the GPS and Radio to work instead of joyfully listening to music.
This story has strong Sopranos vibes. Also, I seem to recall a lot of excitement for the PT Cruiser when it came out. Only one of my friends bought one. As for as I know, he purchased his PT Cruiser from a non-mafia dealership. But like you, he came to hate the PT Cruiser. Thankfully, his was stolen and he used the insurance money for a downpayment on a better car.
I love this story as much as you hated that car. I'm also the only person in North America who didn't own a car until I was 58 years old. Yes, I was a normal kid from a normal family so I obtained my driver's license on my 16th birthday. I couldn't afford a car then because I was saving up to go to Europe on a gap year. I extended my gap year to four decades but never owned a car. First, I couldn't afford one. When I moved to Copenhagen there was a car in my corporate benefits package but we lived in a very centrally located place, had no parking, and great public transport right outside our front door. I waked to work and if we went on a road trip, we rented. We rented so many cars from Hertz that I received a letter from the President welcoming me to his "club". When we moved to Brussels car privileges were again included in the package. The same amount that would get us a Ford Mondeo in Denmark was enough for a BMW 5-series in Belgium. We drove that company-leased car for three years and were then required to turn it in for a new one. The salespeople at the dealership hated me because both times we renewed, I just asked for the same model, same colour, same everything.
When we moved to Canada, it was necessary to buy a car. I know nothing about cars except how to drive them. After driving a BMW in Belgium, I can qualify for any F1 team. I called my brother who knows about everything and how it works. (He took our fridge apart when he was 10 and six months later he made it work again although he never did figure out why he had leftover parts. I assume he figured they were causing the problem and it was nice to not have to drink warm milk). He said, "Buy a Honda." so we did. It still works but the dealership hates us because we have less than 20 000 miles on it after six years...
Glad this brought you some laughs! Thanks for subscribing!