The donut shop’s coffee is mediocre. But the donut shop is on my way, and I’m running late, so I stop in for a cup. The man ahead of me is a regular, I think. “How’s your husband doing?” he asks. “I’m pulling for him.” Holding back tears, the woman behind the counter explains that her husband is dying.
In response to your first question, a Lemony Snicket quote comes to mind: “When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.”
That being said, I’m afraid we live in a world in which people are increasingly prone to isolation and less likely to comfort a stranger.
I am reading this at 3:30 am in a bout of insomnia. It’s just beautiful. I want to think about it some more in the light of day, dnd maybe comment on the duration of grief (I have a story to share about the one year mark). For now, I just want to thank you for revealing humanity at its finest. Sorry about the bad coffee though.
Grief lasts as long as it lasts. It's the love we aren't able to share with the person who is gone. I may not feel the grief as strongly ten years after her passing but I still miss a dear friend every day.
I think without maybe meaning to initially, you did the exact thing she needed by being gentle in your approach but then ultimately making her laugh. I loved this post 🧡.
As usual, I can’t remember all of your questions by the time I get to my comment. But I definitely read the situation and lean in more than not (I would probably be a terrible social worker if I didn’t). Though if I can see someone is really struggling to put a lid on their emotions, I might just make a kind face before moving on with my order. After all, it’s more about their goals in that moment than any “credit” I get for trying to be human.
I don’t often enter donut shops (I agree the coffee usually stinks, and that goes for the big chain shops too). But when I do, it’s a Krispy Kreme and I am expressly there to experience a chocolate covered, “kreme” filled donut. I might also buy a pumpkin glazed if the season is right, because I’m proud to be just a little basic 🎃.
I can’t wait in some ways to be elderly, when I can eat pastries with impunity. I’ve said that for years.
Okay - here's my daylight comment -- My brother and I disagree about politics and religion. The night before our mother's funeral (at which I was officiating), he came to see me with a book explaining Jewish mourning traditions and a black wristband with the mourner's kaddash embossed on it. I learned that Jews mourn their parents longer than anyone else. In a nod to him, I included some Jewish theology in my remarks and put on the wrist band, though I figured I would remove it as soon as I got home. I didn't. One day passed and then another and eventually I realized I liked having this visible symbol of mourning, something that is lacking in American back-to-business asap culture. I kept that bracelet on for a full year, only ready to relinquish it at month 13. I wish I could adequately express thanks to my brother for opening my eyes and heart. Sadly, he became a diehard Trump supporter and apparently there is no room for nuance or grace in our relationship. In a funny way, I think he's replaying our parents' political schism with me. Mom was a devoted Kennedy Democrat, Dad was a Nixon man. As a little kid, I thought that was why they got divorced.
I struggle to separate others’ emotions from my own which is why I could never be a counsellor. I’d probably cry more than the client, then take it home with me and cry some more.
Such a real life story. Pain is part of life. So is laughter. And confusion. And sympathy. It's all part of being human.
I can't conceive of going into a donut shop and not getting a donut. It is a donut shop! That is its purpose. But, I don't drink coffee, so I have no other reason to visit donut shop.
Legit there are at least 5,479 weird things about me, but two of them are that I ALWAYS drink my coffee with a straw [pauses for gasp] and I love whip cream on top like a real psycho. (So then I can expertly shovel it out with the straw--a talent that is often imitated, never duplicated. 😂 Mostly because other people have way more good sense than me.) Glad you made her day - she can use all the laughs she can get. 💛
More often I worry I will say the wrong thing and then don't say anything at all. My first reaction is to hug, if it is a person close to me. An acquaintance, I might say do you need my help.
Grief takes as long as it takes. Every person is different, every relationship changes the dynamic of the grieving. Hardcore grieving should last no more than 2 years.
My steadfast rule is if you drive to a doughnut shop, you are honestly not there for the coffee. I'm there for the crullers and powdered sugar cake doughnut.
When I was a child my mom made doughnuts in her electric deep fat fryer, they were to die for, coated in powdered sugar. Old fashion doughnut shop doughnuts come close.
Whipping cream, of course, is a condiment at my house. Great for a quick snack, the list of uses is long, on berries, on ice cream, and definitely in coffee, I call it a quick latte.
I lean in. I'm old enough to have experienced a myriad of pains. So I try to empathize.
Grief takes a lifetime. But I feel it's proportionate to the size of the loss.
I like the occasional donut but prefer scones. The go to is lemon filled.
I don't know too much donut history. But I suspect they were rather simple.
No whipped cream in my coffee. Although it might work and not cool down coffee?
I'm definitely a "room for cream" club member. I'm not opposed to flavored creamer. And those English Toffee gas station fake lattes are a delicious alternative to an energy drink. But they come out so hot, and their deliciousness is so tempting, I burn my mouth every time.
I feel that the duration of the grieving process strongly depends on how open a person is to accepting the passing of a loved one. Attachment to a loved one can cause great pain as the person learns to cope and acclimatize to their absence. Even if that person might have had a love and hate relationship with the departed, the absence can still create a massive void in their life. It can take years if not decades for the person to grief if they have a hard time of letting go of the departed and continue to dwell in the denial of their passing. However, spiritual practices can help alleviate suffering while grieving as they gain a deeper understanding of death and shorten the grieving process.
How long does grief take? It depends on the person that has died. I take the view that we of course, bury our dead, but honour them most by caring for the still living.
I’ve put everything under the sun in coffee, including whip cream. And whiskey.
I run a mile from grief. I’m Irish. We drown it, normally. Or abnormally.
“ you’re mam is dying?.. have a drink” .. your dad is dead?.. have a beer and a drop.. “ your pet terrier died? .. I’ll take the rest of the week off .. we need a good drink”.
You so beautifully capture what it means to be human in this piece. The sorrow, the tenderness, the awkward weirdness, the humor.
I don’t think grief ever goes away. I might think about that loved one less often, but when I do think of them, the grief is still there.
In response to your first question, a Lemony Snicket quote comes to mind: “When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.”
That being said, I’m afraid we live in a world in which people are increasingly prone to isolation and less likely to comfort a stranger.
I am reading this at 3:30 am in a bout of insomnia. It’s just beautiful. I want to think about it some more in the light of day, dnd maybe comment on the duration of grief (I have a story to share about the one year mark). For now, I just want to thank you for revealing humanity at its finest. Sorry about the bad coffee though.
Grief lasts as long as it lasts. It's the love we aren't able to share with the person who is gone. I may not feel the grief as strongly ten years after her passing but I still miss a dear friend every day.
I think without maybe meaning to initially, you did the exact thing she needed by being gentle in your approach but then ultimately making her laugh. I loved this post 🧡.
As usual, I can’t remember all of your questions by the time I get to my comment. But I definitely read the situation and lean in more than not (I would probably be a terrible social worker if I didn’t). Though if I can see someone is really struggling to put a lid on their emotions, I might just make a kind face before moving on with my order. After all, it’s more about their goals in that moment than any “credit” I get for trying to be human.
I don’t often enter donut shops (I agree the coffee usually stinks, and that goes for the big chain shops too). But when I do, it’s a Krispy Kreme and I am expressly there to experience a chocolate covered, “kreme” filled donut. I might also buy a pumpkin glazed if the season is right, because I’m proud to be just a little basic 🎃.
I can’t wait in some ways to be elderly, when I can eat pastries with impunity. I’ve said that for years.
Okay - here's my daylight comment -- My brother and I disagree about politics and religion. The night before our mother's funeral (at which I was officiating), he came to see me with a book explaining Jewish mourning traditions and a black wristband with the mourner's kaddash embossed on it. I learned that Jews mourn their parents longer than anyone else. In a nod to him, I included some Jewish theology in my remarks and put on the wrist band, though I figured I would remove it as soon as I got home. I didn't. One day passed and then another and eventually I realized I liked having this visible symbol of mourning, something that is lacking in American back-to-business asap culture. I kept that bracelet on for a full year, only ready to relinquish it at month 13. I wish I could adequately express thanks to my brother for opening my eyes and heart. Sadly, he became a diehard Trump supporter and apparently there is no room for nuance or grace in our relationship. In a funny way, I think he's replaying our parents' political schism with me. Mom was a devoted Kennedy Democrat, Dad was a Nixon man. As a little kid, I thought that was why they got divorced.
I struggle to separate others’ emotions from my own which is why I could never be a counsellor. I’d probably cry more than the client, then take it home with me and cry some more.
Such a real life story. Pain is part of life. So is laughter. And confusion. And sympathy. It's all part of being human.
I can't conceive of going into a donut shop and not getting a donut. It is a donut shop! That is its purpose. But, I don't drink coffee, so I have no other reason to visit donut shop.
Your anecdotes are just brilliant. I could see them all moving into a novel. From donut shops to colonoscopies!
Legit there are at least 5,479 weird things about me, but two of them are that I ALWAYS drink my coffee with a straw [pauses for gasp] and I love whip cream on top like a real psycho. (So then I can expertly shovel it out with the straw--a talent that is often imitated, never duplicated. 😂 Mostly because other people have way more good sense than me.) Glad you made her day - she can use all the laughs she can get. 💛
More often I worry I will say the wrong thing and then don't say anything at all. My first reaction is to hug, if it is a person close to me. An acquaintance, I might say do you need my help.
Grief takes as long as it takes. Every person is different, every relationship changes the dynamic of the grieving. Hardcore grieving should last no more than 2 years.
My steadfast rule is if you drive to a doughnut shop, you are honestly not there for the coffee. I'm there for the crullers and powdered sugar cake doughnut.
When I was a child my mom made doughnuts in her electric deep fat fryer, they were to die for, coated in powdered sugar. Old fashion doughnut shop doughnuts come close.
Whipping cream, of course, is a condiment at my house. Great for a quick snack, the list of uses is long, on berries, on ice cream, and definitely in coffee, I call it a quick latte.
I lean in. I'm old enough to have experienced a myriad of pains. So I try to empathize.
Grief takes a lifetime. But I feel it's proportionate to the size of the loss.
I like the occasional donut but prefer scones. The go to is lemon filled.
I don't know too much donut history. But I suspect they were rather simple.
No whipped cream in my coffee. Although it might work and not cool down coffee?
I'm definitely a "room for cream" club member. I'm not opposed to flavored creamer. And those English Toffee gas station fake lattes are a delicious alternative to an energy drink. But they come out so hot, and their deliciousness is so tempting, I burn my mouth every time.
I feel that the duration of the grieving process strongly depends on how open a person is to accepting the passing of a loved one. Attachment to a loved one can cause great pain as the person learns to cope and acclimatize to their absence. Even if that person might have had a love and hate relationship with the departed, the absence can still create a massive void in their life. It can take years if not decades for the person to grief if they have a hard time of letting go of the departed and continue to dwell in the denial of their passing. However, spiritual practices can help alleviate suffering while grieving as they gain a deeper understanding of death and shorten the grieving process.
I’ll go out of my way to help a stranger, except when it comes to bereavement. I’ll buy them multiple drinks, but find it’s best to let them talk.
How long does grief take? It depends on the person that has died. I take the view that we of course, bury our dead, but honour them most by caring for the still living.
I’ve put everything under the sun in coffee, including whip cream. And whiskey.
I run a mile from grief. I’m Irish. We drown it, normally. Or abnormally.
“ you’re mam is dying?.. have a drink” .. your dad is dead?.. have a beer and a drop.. “ your pet terrier died? .. I’ll take the rest of the week off .. we need a good drink”.
I’ve forgotten the other questions.
Great stack. I loved every word.