2. When I was a kid, I remember tuning out NPR in the car because my mom always listened to it. But I think it managed to seep into my DNA because as soon as I became adultish, I started listening to it in the car on my way to work. Now I get their daily email newsletter. My husband is more of a headline clicker. He reads a lot of stories and I often rely on him to "filter" the worst of them for me. He also pays attention to local news, which I don't. Because I might never leave the house if I knew what was happening down the street from us most days.
3. Sometimes really tragic things happen to kids in our school system, and my husband is a teacher, so those stories never miss us. Those are probably the things we discuss most, because as parents, they weigh on us heavily.
Thanks for this post, Michael. FWIW, your "serious" voice is just as easy and comforting to listen to as your "funny" voice. And I'm glad you didn't shy away from using it today.
Thank you, Meg. We're not parents, but most of our friends are parents. I think part of what inspired me to write this is seeing the weight of this issue on the faces of my friends.
2. I'm fully off social media now after axing Twitter and I read three very reliable news sources: The Economist, The Financial Times, and The New Yorker. They're fact-based, long-form oriented, and avoid hot-takeism and inflammatory rhetoric.
4. Gonna cheat here and use a podcast: Hardcore History by Dan Carlin. He also wrote a book called The End is Always Near. It focuses mostly on military history and some of our more grotesque episodes as a species, but it makes me feel oddly optimistic about the future. We repeat the same idiotic patterns but sometimes we do learn. And the end may always be nigh, but it's yet to actually arrive.
Finally, because it's pertinent, here's a link to a "Talk" I did with my kids about mass shootings. This happened last year in the wake of the Uvalde atrocity.
Congratulations on making the break from Social Media (no Meta properties for 12+ years now) and no Twitter -- not that hard once you make the break. For as long as I can remember the three sources for me have been the NY Times, NPR and Christian Science Monitor. During the trial of the blind sheik (1st attempt on the WTC), those were the ONLY NEWS organizations that bothered to cover the trial with imbedded reporters -- I would imagine others wedded to other news sources were surprised when the towers came down. During school years of my children always had a paper subscription to the Economist -- best magazine ever!
I agree in RE Economist -- the world's best obituary to say nothing of the economic equivalent of a Big Mac -- I realize it reveals my bias but I consider FB/Meta to be one of the worst thing that emerged from the Tech Boom -- appealing to our primitive, sensory brain leaves us mostly defenseless and naturally turns us against each other -- I was on Twitter mostly to follow my children and nieces and nephews in HS & Collegiate sports -- glad in the rearview mirror
I love Everything, Everywhere, All At Once for a ton of reasons that aren't directly tied to the apology fantasy, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a part of it as well. I've seen it several times and always predictably start weeping silently with a kind of cathartic, yearning relief roughly the time "I don't need you to be proud of me, I'm proud of myself" comes up and just keep sniffling straight through to the end.
I watched that movie recently with a friend who is notorious for crying during movies, and we were discussing why she escaped this one dry-eyed (despite still thoroughly enjoying the movie). I told her, "Well, you have a healthy relationship with your mom."
I love that piece about the Millennial Parental Apology Fantasy. I'd never heard that term before but have certainly noticed the trend. I think an important aspect is that it's so gentle and understanding of the parents in question. We could certainly be making movies about older generations forced to bear the burden of their crimes at the guillotine, but instead we tell stories about being sympathetic to their trauma and agreeing to resolve it together so nobody else has to suffer and, gosh, that's such a beautiful thing.
I also loved Everything, Everywhere, All At Once for a lot of reasons, but the top of the list is that it's so rare that I laugh and cry watching the same movie.
The Turkey-Syria earthquake messed with me. I still can’t get over the sheer loss of life/casualties. Talking with my wife did help some, but man, it’s simply catastrophic and heartbreaking.
I’m a middle school teacher, and last year we had a lockdown due to a local shooting/fugitive on the run. It rattled all involved. One of my colleagues armed her students with scissors and heavy-duty staplers to throw. Another co-worker keeps a box of golf balls year-round in her cabinet for the hypothetical scenario. And collectively, we all hold our breath, hoping we don’t make the next news headline.
As I think you know, Michael, I’m a boomer, and now I have so much more to think about (thank you for that). I loved Everything Everywhere…, but as a person in recovery I believe my daughters are way tired of hearing me apologize.
I stay marginally informed. I don’t do Twitter, FB, or any social media anymore and have stopped doomscrolling the newsfeed on my phone - disabling the news notifications helped. I read 1440, and don’t watch tv news anymore. When important things happen, somebody will toss a message over my barricade.
The Nashville news tore through my protective coating and tore me up. Nine year olds.
For what it’s worth, we did the best we could, and I’m sorry, brother.
Thank you for this comment, C.L., and thank you for sharing where you're coming from. It means a lot to me that people of all ages can come here and share. Also, I'm always impressed by people who are in recovery. That takes a lot of strength and courage, but you don't need me to tell you that.
3. Mostly I share my lack of understanding with loved ones, much like you and your mom, about how this situation continues. Suggestions for solutions aren’t even tried, merely objected to and neglected.
How can the fear of your war inspired gun being outlawed be greater than the fear of seeing more school pictures of 9 year olds being slaughtered in their school rooms? One can’t help to bear witness to those crimes, citizen polls tell the story- but gun lobbyists continue to pad the campaign funds of OUR elected officials. What are our options- protests until actions speak greater than $s? Unlikely - maybe vote for lawmakers who listen and serve their constituents. Thanks for a place to share this hurting heart frustration.
American news is always crushing. We're not even there, yet the news and the politics of America is soil destroying for the rest of the world watching on. When will today's adult generations apologize to their American children, do they do it every time there's yet another school shooting? Take that as rhetorical, because the answer would be no.
Just a thought, but doesn’t all the police procedurals on tv (FBI, NCIS, hill st Blues, Hawaii 5-O, SWAT, etc) create an atmosphere where gun violence is expected? Or those dramas a reflection?
I think you make a good point, and if I may, I'd expand on your comment by pointing out that violence is a huge part of American media, way beyond police procedurals. I realize that raises the question of causation, which is WAY beyond my expertise. But as someone who writes fiction that has both sex and violence, I do find it fascinating that I never get pushback on the violence, but just mentioning the sex seems to send some people over the edge. I think there's a George Carlin bit about this, or maybe he did a couple of bits on the topic, and as usual, George said it better than anyone ever could. But I thank you for making this point, Betsy!
I'm a bit speechless these days, Michael. Really glad you thought to write this piece. Though I love any chance to laugh, there are moments when even well-intentioned levity just doesn't feel right.
Sending positive vibes to you, your Mom, and everyone else who makes you "feel the feels".
Apr 2, 2023·edited Apr 3, 2023Liked by Michael Estrin
Great talks/article. I actually hadn’t heard the apology fantasy term before, which probably means I shouldn’t be teaching.
1. Underexamined concept in my head. I have to admit, I never pushed the idea further than telling the whole truth, as far as I know it.
2. I keep my engagement with the worst news in pure text. I read relatively quickly and robotically, and it’s easier to push the boulder uphill in glyphs. I don’t think my brain would thrive with televised news as my main port, dragging out each beat of lunacy. Which, before getting into quality or intent, would explain a lot.
3. My siblings, along the whole political spectrum, are never short on thoughts.
4. Battle Cry of Freedom is the best psychoanalysis of the country this was, turned into, and became that I’ve read. It’s one comprehensive volume on the Civil War, so you can also use it to block bullets.
Thank you. As far as I know, this Vox article coined the term, so I think your teaching job is safe. I’ve read a lot of books about the civil war, too many probably, but not Battle Cry of Freedom. On your recommendation, I’ll remedy that one of these days. I’ll probably go audio, though, so not bullet proof.
Thank you for this essay -- I’ll be reading it a few times. I also appreciate the tone and direction of your questions.
I stopped watching the news, stopped scrolling twitter, and only occasionally put on NPR. I can’t “stay informed” anymore. The most I do is check the headlines occasionally on MEMEorandum.
Thank you, Jen. If I might ask, how did you stop scrolling twitter? did you quit? or, do you still have it, and have you somehow managed to just not look? tips very welcome.
I started scrolling my Substack inbox more than Twitter. Scrolling substack takes more brain investment because it's longer form and more thoughtful. This had two effects: 1) my brain went through a withdrawal of instant gratification Twitter doomscrolling and became used to focusing longer on a single piece of content, and 2) spending that much time on longer form content wasn't sustainable to actually living my life, so I ended up staying off my phone more altogether and not scrolling *anything* as much.
None of this was intentional, but I can see it in retrospect in response to your question.
Great story! And I really enjoyed learning about the Millennial Apology Fantasy. Maybe that's one of the reasons I hated that movie, Everything Everywhere All at Once so much. I don't have that fantasy. I love boomers. They've given me everything. And most of the boomers I know are liberal, generous, and politically engaged.
Thank you, Meryl. Curious if you've seen the other movies referenced in the essay? they're mostly animation, i think, so maybe not your jam, but if you don't like those, maybe this just isn't your fantasy. go figure.
You are correct in your hypothesis that I haven't seen any of those animated movies. Obviously, I loved Lady Bird, though! Actually, reading the article gave me a sense of what was supposed to be happing in EEAAO. I had no idea. I may not be smart enough for multiverses.
I’ve seen the apology fantasy in multiple media. I’m looking for the redemption fantasy trope, where the perpetrator doesn’t just apologize, but actively works to make things better while they still can.
In terms of the news, I think of it like alcohol. It’s poison, so I drink in moderation.
Have you seen the fantasy in games? I'd be curious to know if this is something that came to Hollywood via video games? And yes, the redemption fantasy trope is what we really need to see!
I’m not an expert on AAA and high budget “cinematic” games, but I haven’t seen the trope in the indie games I play. My gut instinct tells me it’s from movies, though I believe I’ve seen it on TV and in comics, too.
the fact your mom swears like a sailor and raised a kid like you with dual threat of brain and heart running on fuel additive of humor brought out the biggest emotion here...miss my own dearly and her
take would have been to squarely put the burden of ameliorating (a weak word given the blood flowing...) the LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH in this country among 1-18 year old age group ie fucking guns
maybe the millenials making movies will start exploring that friggin multi-verse eh?
2. When I was a kid, I remember tuning out NPR in the car because my mom always listened to it. But I think it managed to seep into my DNA because as soon as I became adultish, I started listening to it in the car on my way to work. Now I get their daily email newsletter. My husband is more of a headline clicker. He reads a lot of stories and I often rely on him to "filter" the worst of them for me. He also pays attention to local news, which I don't. Because I might never leave the house if I knew what was happening down the street from us most days.
3. Sometimes really tragic things happen to kids in our school system, and my husband is a teacher, so those stories never miss us. Those are probably the things we discuss most, because as parents, they weigh on us heavily.
Thanks for this post, Michael. FWIW, your "serious" voice is just as easy and comforting to listen to as your "funny" voice. And I'm glad you didn't shy away from using it today.
Thank you, Meg. We're not parents, but most of our friends are parents. I think part of what inspired me to write this is seeing the weight of this issue on the faces of my friends.
2. I'm fully off social media now after axing Twitter and I read three very reliable news sources: The Economist, The Financial Times, and The New Yorker. They're fact-based, long-form oriented, and avoid hot-takeism and inflammatory rhetoric.
4. Gonna cheat here and use a podcast: Hardcore History by Dan Carlin. He also wrote a book called The End is Always Near. It focuses mostly on military history and some of our more grotesque episodes as a species, but it makes me feel oddly optimistic about the future. We repeat the same idiotic patterns but sometimes we do learn. And the end may always be nigh, but it's yet to actually arrive.
Finally, because it's pertinent, here's a link to a "Talk" I did with my kids about mass shootings. This happened last year in the wake of the Uvalde atrocity.
https://agowani.substack.com/p/my-kids-and-i-had-the-talk-about
Great piece today, Michael. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Amran. I'm sad that you had the talk with your kids, but glad that you wrote about it & shared it here.
Congratulations on making the break from Social Media (no Meta properties for 12+ years now) and no Twitter -- not that hard once you make the break. For as long as I can remember the three sources for me have been the NY Times, NPR and Christian Science Monitor. During the trial of the blind sheik (1st attempt on the WTC), those were the ONLY NEWS organizations that bothered to cover the trial with imbedded reporters -- I would imagine others wedded to other news sources were surprised when the towers came down. During school years of my children always had a paper subscription to the Economist -- best magazine ever!
Thanks, Mark. I've been Meta free since early 2010 and luckily only spent a year on Twitter, which just ended last week. Can't imagine I'll miss it.
I always preach the value of The Economist. It's a commitment to read, but worth it.
I agree in RE Economist -- the world's best obituary to say nothing of the economic equivalent of a Big Mac -- I realize it reveals my bias but I consider FB/Meta to be one of the worst thing that emerged from the Tech Boom -- appealing to our primitive, sensory brain leaves us mostly defenseless and naturally turns us against each other -- I was on Twitter mostly to follow my children and nieces and nephews in HS & Collegiate sports -- glad in the rearview mirror
I love Everything, Everywhere, All At Once for a ton of reasons that aren't directly tied to the apology fantasy, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a part of it as well. I've seen it several times and always predictably start weeping silently with a kind of cathartic, yearning relief roughly the time "I don't need you to be proud of me, I'm proud of myself" comes up and just keep sniffling straight through to the end.
I watched that movie recently with a friend who is notorious for crying during movies, and we were discussing why she escaped this one dry-eyed (despite still thoroughly enjoying the movie). I told her, "Well, you have a healthy relationship with your mom."
I love that piece about the Millennial Parental Apology Fantasy. I'd never heard that term before but have certainly noticed the trend. I think an important aspect is that it's so gentle and understanding of the parents in question. We could certainly be making movies about older generations forced to bear the burden of their crimes at the guillotine, but instead we tell stories about being sympathetic to their trauma and agreeing to resolve it together so nobody else has to suffer and, gosh, that's such a beautiful thing.
I loved every word of this comment.
I also loved Everything, Everywhere, All At Once for a lot of reasons, but the top of the list is that it's so rare that I laugh and cry watching the same movie.
The Turkey-Syria earthquake messed with me. I still can’t get over the sheer loss of life/casualties. Talking with my wife did help some, but man, it’s simply catastrophic and heartbreaking.
I’m a middle school teacher, and last year we had a lockdown due to a local shooting/fugitive on the run. It rattled all involved. One of my colleagues armed her students with scissors and heavy-duty staplers to throw. Another co-worker keeps a box of golf balls year-round in her cabinet for the hypothetical scenario. And collectively, we all hold our breath, hoping we don’t make the next news headline.
Thank you for sharing this, Justin. As the son of a former teacher, I really appreciate you sharing a little of you experience here.
As I think you know, Michael, I’m a boomer, and now I have so much more to think about (thank you for that). I loved Everything Everywhere…, but as a person in recovery I believe my daughters are way tired of hearing me apologize.
I stay marginally informed. I don’t do Twitter, FB, or any social media anymore and have stopped doomscrolling the newsfeed on my phone - disabling the news notifications helped. I read 1440, and don’t watch tv news anymore. When important things happen, somebody will toss a message over my barricade.
The Nashville news tore through my protective coating and tore me up. Nine year olds.
For what it’s worth, we did the best we could, and I’m sorry, brother.
Thank you for this comment, C.L., and thank you for sharing where you're coming from. It means a lot to me that people of all ages can come here and share. Also, I'm always impressed by people who are in recovery. That takes a lot of strength and courage, but you don't need me to tell you that.
3. Mostly I share my lack of understanding with loved ones, much like you and your mom, about how this situation continues. Suggestions for solutions aren’t even tried, merely objected to and neglected.
How can the fear of your war inspired gun being outlawed be greater than the fear of seeing more school pictures of 9 year olds being slaughtered in their school rooms? One can’t help to bear witness to those crimes, citizen polls tell the story- but gun lobbyists continue to pad the campaign funds of OUR elected officials. What are our options- protests until actions speak greater than $s? Unlikely - maybe vote for lawmakers who listen and serve their constituents. Thanks for a place to share this hurting heart frustration.
Kathy, thank you for this comment and for sharing your hurt and frustration. It means a lot.
American news is always crushing. We're not even there, yet the news and the politics of America is soil destroying for the rest of the world watching on. When will today's adult generations apologize to their American children, do they do it every time there's yet another school shooting? Take that as rhetorical, because the answer would be no.
Just a thought, but doesn’t all the police procedurals on tv (FBI, NCIS, hill st Blues, Hawaii 5-O, SWAT, etc) create an atmosphere where gun violence is expected? Or those dramas a reflection?
I think you make a good point, and if I may, I'd expand on your comment by pointing out that violence is a huge part of American media, way beyond police procedurals. I realize that raises the question of causation, which is WAY beyond my expertise. But as someone who writes fiction that has both sex and violence, I do find it fascinating that I never get pushback on the violence, but just mentioning the sex seems to send some people over the edge. I think there's a George Carlin bit about this, or maybe he did a couple of bits on the topic, and as usual, George said it better than anyone ever could. But I thank you for making this point, Betsy!
Dammit no edit button. Please excuse the grammar errors.
I'm a bit speechless these days, Michael. Really glad you thought to write this piece. Though I love any chance to laugh, there are moments when even well-intentioned levity just doesn't feel right.
Sending positive vibes to you, your Mom, and everyone else who makes you "feel the feels".
Thank you, Larry.
Great talks/article. I actually hadn’t heard the apology fantasy term before, which probably means I shouldn’t be teaching.
1. Underexamined concept in my head. I have to admit, I never pushed the idea further than telling the whole truth, as far as I know it.
2. I keep my engagement with the worst news in pure text. I read relatively quickly and robotically, and it’s easier to push the boulder uphill in glyphs. I don’t think my brain would thrive with televised news as my main port, dragging out each beat of lunacy. Which, before getting into quality or intent, would explain a lot.
3. My siblings, along the whole political spectrum, are never short on thoughts.
4. Battle Cry of Freedom is the best psychoanalysis of the country this was, turned into, and became that I’ve read. It’s one comprehensive volume on the Civil War, so you can also use it to block bullets.
Thank you. As far as I know, this Vox article coined the term, so I think your teaching job is safe. I’ve read a lot of books about the civil war, too many probably, but not Battle Cry of Freedom. On your recommendation, I’ll remedy that one of these days. I’ll probably go audio, though, so not bullet proof.
Thank you for this essay -- I’ll be reading it a few times. I also appreciate the tone and direction of your questions.
I stopped watching the news, stopped scrolling twitter, and only occasionally put on NPR. I can’t “stay informed” anymore. The most I do is check the headlines occasionally on MEMEorandum.
Thank you, Jen. If I might ask, how did you stop scrolling twitter? did you quit? or, do you still have it, and have you somehow managed to just not look? tips very welcome.
I started scrolling my Substack inbox more than Twitter. Scrolling substack takes more brain investment because it's longer form and more thoughtful. This had two effects: 1) my brain went through a withdrawal of instant gratification Twitter doomscrolling and became used to focusing longer on a single piece of content, and 2) spending that much time on longer form content wasn't sustainable to actually living my life, so I ended up staying off my phone more altogether and not scrolling *anything* as much.
None of this was intentional, but I can see it in retrospect in response to your question.
Thank you for this thoughtful essay. It was worth not laughing 🫶
Thank you, that's a really kind thing to say.
Great story! And I really enjoyed learning about the Millennial Apology Fantasy. Maybe that's one of the reasons I hated that movie, Everything Everywhere All at Once so much. I don't have that fantasy. I love boomers. They've given me everything. And most of the boomers I know are liberal, generous, and politically engaged.
Thank you, Meryl. Curious if you've seen the other movies referenced in the essay? they're mostly animation, i think, so maybe not your jam, but if you don't like those, maybe this just isn't your fantasy. go figure.
You are correct in your hypothesis that I haven't seen any of those animated movies. Obviously, I loved Lady Bird, though! Actually, reading the article gave me a sense of what was supposed to be happing in EEAAO. I had no idea. I may not be smart enough for multiverses.
Wow, that Vox essay really nailed your taste in movies.
I’ve seen the apology fantasy in multiple media. I’m looking for the redemption fantasy trope, where the perpetrator doesn’t just apologize, but actively works to make things better while they still can.
In terms of the news, I think of it like alcohol. It’s poison, so I drink in moderation.
Have you seen the fantasy in games? I'd be curious to know if this is something that came to Hollywood via video games? And yes, the redemption fantasy trope is what we really need to see!
I’m not an expert on AAA and high budget “cinematic” games, but I haven’t seen the trope in the indie games I play. My gut instinct tells me it’s from movies, though I believe I’ve seen it on TV and in comics, too.
the fact your mom swears like a sailor and raised a kid like you with dual threat of brain and heart running on fuel additive of humor brought out the biggest emotion here...miss my own dearly and her
take would have been to squarely put the burden of ameliorating (a weak word given the blood flowing...) the LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH in this country among 1-18 year old age group ie fucking guns
maybe the millenials making movies will start exploring that friggin multi-verse eh?
thank you for these really kind words. i know my mom appreciates them too.
Thanks for this. I don’t have any answers, but enjoyed thinking about these issues.
thank you, that means a lot.