I was reading the first volume of Robert Caro’s book on Lyndon Johnson, when there was a knock at our front door. I didn’t want to answer the door because the early years of LBJ, who was a real piece of work, are as compelling as any novel. But the knocking persisted, and then Mortimer began to bark. I better get it, I thought. So I put down the biography of a power-hungry man and went to the door, where I found a man sent by another power-hungry man named Rick Caruso.
I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to sell your vote. That said, you’ll probably only make good money if you can sell votes in bulk. Politicians don’t want to buy one vote at a time, especially in a major election. They want chunks! So I would get a bunch of pals together and sell ‘em on the dark web equivalent of eBay.
You're right on both counts! We'll need to be discreet and we absolutely must wholesale those votes. Do you think Rick Caruso would be comfortable using crypto so that we can keep this thing on the down-low?
Oooh! GroveCoin! I cannot wait. Obviously, it'll be the accepted currency at the Grove, but I fear that I won't be able to use it at the Farmer's Market.
I'm Team Charcuterie though I did write about the debate on butter boards on Wednesday. It's such a weird food trends. While I think butter is a great condiment, I'm far too concerned with all the double dippers.
I don't feed pigeons but I feel bad for them, they get a bad rep for everything. They're the "black sheep" of the bird world and they're also just so ugly. Have you ever seen a cute pigeon? If they do fly too low above my head, I do run and scream with terror mostly because I'm afraid they'll poop on me.
Growing up in Chicago, the Precinct Captains were said to give the men on skid row booze in order to get them to vote. And in line with Vote Early Vote Often, take them to multiple polling places. I don't think we have Precinct Captains here in LA.
For the primary Caruso spent about $175 a vote. I'd have taken that in trade for not having to watch all those commercials.
Those Caruso commercials are awful. I’ll be glad when this election is over. Also, thanks for doing the math. Next time a Caruso supporter comes knocking I’ll have a number for them.
Hi Michael, Yes, I am a pigeon feeder, up to 60 or so hurl themselves into my back garden (yard) twice a day for some pigeon grub. They are funny and quite greedy, but are clearly not drones as their ability to avoid objects and other pigeons when flapping about is not great. Indeed I have pigeon shaped marks on several windows that they have failed to spot. Keep up the good work. Regards, Tom
Feel free to borrow that response, Jo! I'm sure Team Caruso will knock soon. Pro tip: check the peephole. If you see a clipboard, odds are it's a canvasser this time of year.
Caruso! What a mensch. ".. four trillion cops on the street, eradicate traffic forever, build seventy-eight billion housing units, abolish taxes...." You know, we got a couple of guys just like him here in Santa Cruz - AND they are also going to solve the problem of homelessness - providing shelter for those sleeping in tents and alleys all over our town, finding them employment and safer drugs. How I wish they could! They'll promise anything and people believe them. I am raising the price of MY vote right now.
Let’s hope the LA pols in the vote counting department don’t see this blatant attempt to steal the major part of their fellow pols job of staying elected. They don’t take kindly to opponents in the pols business. Just ask the pols buried on LBJ’s ranch. I’d hate losing the 57th most popular humor column just because you tried to wholesale votes.
Looking at the news out of LA politics, it seems like they've got bigger fish to fry than me. But you're right. I'm playing a high stakes game. If you stop receiving the internet's 57th most popular humor newsletter, you'll know what happened. If so, please tell my story!
You’re supposed to tag the ears of Caruso supporters in the wild, so that we can find the main nest later. Otherwise flawless.
I have a lot of love for Birds Aren’t Real. It gets my butt moving for my own comic disinformation campaigns.
I knew I screwed up somewhere. Next time, I'll tag 'em for sure.
I thought of you when I saw the Birds Aren't Real submission. It's such a great prank, like Dennard-level great. Are you their faculty advisor?
It’s a good thing I’m not, I’d do my best Salieri impression.
I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to sell your vote. That said, you’ll probably only make good money if you can sell votes in bulk. Politicians don’t want to buy one vote at a time, especially in a major election. They want chunks! So I would get a bunch of pals together and sell ‘em on the dark web equivalent of eBay.
You're right on both counts! We'll need to be discreet and we absolutely must wholesale those votes. Do you think Rick Caruso would be comfortable using crypto so that we can keep this thing on the down-low?
Not only do I think Caruso is comfortable with crypto, but I’m pretty sure he’s about to launch GroveCoin.
Oooh! GroveCoin! I cannot wait. Obviously, it'll be the accepted currency at the Grove, but I fear that I won't be able to use it at the Farmer's Market.
You can use it at the Farmer’s Market sticker store, but nowhere else.
Was just going to recommend the crypto angle as well. Definitely the way to go.
Great minds! Maybe with a little luck, I can purchase some abandoned Russian oligarch assets in London with my crypto. Democracy for the win!
I'm Team Charcuterie though I did write about the debate on butter boards on Wednesday. It's such a weird food trends. While I think butter is a great condiment, I'm far too concerned with all the double dippers.
I don't feed pigeons but I feel bad for them, they get a bad rep for everything. They're the "black sheep" of the bird world and they're also just so ugly. Have you ever seen a cute pigeon? If they do fly too low above my head, I do run and scream with terror mostly because I'm afraid they'll poop on me.
The butter board double dippers are a real problem. Also, that’s a sentence I’d never thought I’d write😁
Your vote selling attempt had me lol. Wish I coulda been there!
Maybe I need to post and ad or call the candidates directly. It’s harder to sell a vote than I imagined.
Out of curiosity, I just googled "Cost per vote." According to this article:
https://qz.com/1913792/whats-the-cost-per-vote-to-become-us-president/
It's about $350 per. But that's for US president. Could you command more or less for a local election? So many questions!
Hmmm. I’m not sure. Caruso is behind so he needs my vote more. Also, he’s really rich, so he’s got the dough.
Also, Los Angeles is one of the most expensive media markets in the country, so that’s got to make my vote more valuable, right?
Growing up in Chicago, the Precinct Captains were said to give the men on skid row booze in order to get them to vote. And in line with Vote Early Vote Often, take them to multiple polling places. I don't think we have Precinct Captains here in LA.
For the primary Caruso spent about $175 a vote. I'd have taken that in trade for not having to watch all those commercials.
Those Caruso commercials are awful. I’ll be glad when this election is over. Also, thanks for doing the math. Next time a Caruso supporter comes knocking I’ll have a number for them.
Hi Michael, Yes, I am a pigeon feeder, up to 60 or so hurl themselves into my back garden (yard) twice a day for some pigeon grub. They are funny and quite greedy, but are clearly not drones as their ability to avoid objects and other pigeons when flapping about is not great. Indeed I have pigeon shaped marks on several windows that they have failed to spot. Keep up the good work. Regards, Tom
Thanks for the kind words and the 411 on the pigeons, Tom!
I admire your quick thinking with the Caruso campaign worker. I may borrow your response should I get a knock on my door.
And the charcuterie board pictured is the creepiest looking food I’ve seen. I’d totally eat that.
Feel free to borrow that response, Jo! I'm sure Team Caruso will knock soon. Pro tip: check the peephole. If you see a clipboard, odds are it's a canvasser this time of year.
Caruso! What a mensch. ".. four trillion cops on the street, eradicate traffic forever, build seventy-eight billion housing units, abolish taxes...." You know, we got a couple of guys just like him here in Santa Cruz - AND they are also going to solve the problem of homelessness - providing shelter for those sleeping in tents and alleys all over our town, finding them employment and safer drugs. How I wish they could! They'll promise anything and people believe them. I am raising the price of MY vote right now.
Don't hold out for anything less than a billion, Sharron! Your vote matters AND it's very valuable.
Geeez. I was thinking maybe ten bucks... you know, buy a package of sausages. Maybe I need to set my sights a little higher?
Dream big! You’ve got to dream big with this stuff. Otherwise, the politicians will take you for granted.
Let’s hope the LA pols in the vote counting department don’t see this blatant attempt to steal the major part of their fellow pols job of staying elected. They don’t take kindly to opponents in the pols business. Just ask the pols buried on LBJ’s ranch. I’d hate losing the 57th most popular humor column just because you tried to wholesale votes.
Looking at the news out of LA politics, it seems like they've got bigger fish to fry than me. But you're right. I'm playing a high stakes game. If you stop receiving the internet's 57th most popular humor newsletter, you'll know what happened. If so, please tell my story!
We will get the word out!
Thank you!
Haha I looove this halloween charcuterie board 🤩 what an inspo!
If I were surrounded by giant chunks of sausage and cheese I’d be happy as that skeleton!
It’s pretty coo!