Scoundrels stole my catalytic converter. Time for vigilantism!

I don’t know if you’ve been following the news over the past few decades, but the rule of law is under threat in America. On a recent Thursday morning, the consequences of our increasingly lawless society hit home. Literally. I woke up to find a note taped to our front door. The note was from an unidentified neighbor.

“I live across the street at the end of the cul-de-sac,” the note began. “[I was] outside getting something from my vehicle when I noticed a silver Infinity G37 with tinted windows pulled up next to your Prius & two men in black hoodies got out with a car jack & lifted your Prius & stole your catalytic converter.”

Yes, we have a blue door. No, it’s not a reference to Notting Hill.

My first thought was: MOTHERFUCKER!

My second thought was: my neighbor makes liberal use of the ampersand symbol.

My third thought was: maybe the note is wrong, or some kind of prank.

I grabbed my keys, walked out to my car, and started the engine. Initially, it sounded fine. Then I heard a god-awf…