Scenes from an Italian deli | Cluck’n Good | $20
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Scenes from an Italian deli
The sandwiches at the San Carlo Deli are legit, but I come for the characters.
Consider The Idiosyncratic Sandwich Connoisseur. Her order is a case study in precision, weirdness, and veiled threats.
“Squeeze every loaf you got, so I get the softest one,” she says. “Don’t you dare put the mayo directly on the bread. Put it on the meat, or you’ll fuck everything up, and we’ll have a problem. I want mustard, but I don’t want to taste mustard. Just wave the mustard bottle over my sandwich—not the bread, damn it, over the meat! One more thing. I need an even number of pickle slices. Odd numbers are bad luck.”
Then there’s the local neighborhood watch, which consists of four old dudes who, as far as I can tell, come here to shoot the shit and eat sandwiches.
“Someone stole a couple bottles of booze from Vons,” one old man says.
Two of the old men in the neighborhood watch look horrified. Stolen booze is right up there with the Lindbergh baby kidnapping and the Black Dahlia murder as far as they’re concerned. But the last member of the group is horrified by the real crime, which in his book, is life insurance.
“Do you know how much I pay in life insurance?” he asks. “Seventeen grand a year. Seventeen fucking grand a year so I don’t die. You believe that shit?”
Nobody bothers to explain how life insurance works. Instead it’s back to crime prevention.
“They should have a cop watching the booze,” says the third old guy.
“Too expensive,” says Mr. 17K, but it’s not clear if he’s referring to the cop, or his premiums.
“They should put up one of those locking gates,” says the third old man. “To protect the booze.”
“But then they gotta open the gate whenever someone wants booze,” the first old guy says.
“But it works, and it’s cheap” says the third old guy. “You can’t argue with that.”
The words you can’t argue with that are a challenge. But the first old guy doesn’t say “challenge accepted,” like the kids do these days. Instead, he just argues.
“Are you kidding?” the first old guy asks. “They don’t wanna put up a gate because it’s bad for business, slows down booze sales. You don’t want to do that. Not in this economy.”
“Not in any economy,” the fourth old guy chimes in.
“Right, in any economy,” the first old guy continues. “So they lose a few bottles of booze now and then, so what? They’re insured!”
“Too much,” Mr. 17K says.
“So what if the world is going to hell in a hand basket?” the first old guy asks. “Vons gets its money one way or another. That’s what it’s all about. The bottom line: money, honey!”
Speaking of money, I need to pay my check and get back to work. I toss out my trash and head up to the register. There’s an old woman ahead of me in line. She speaks with the cashier, a slightly younger woman who looks to be about sixty. They speak in Italian. The conversation is animated, and I have no idea what they’re saying. But then I hear the following words in English: “Warrant out for his arrest.”
Does that mean there’s a suspect in the case of the missing booze?
I look over at the neighborhood watch guys to see what they think. But they’re not interested in what the old woman has to say. Their sandwiches are ready, which means it’s go time.
Cluck’n Good?
I love ice cream. I don’t scream for it, but I love it. If I had to pick a last meal, it would absolutely include ice cream, ideally from McConnell’s, assuming whoever is organizing my last meal, and presumably executing me the following day, is willing to drive to a McConnell’s location. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not an ice cream snob. Every ice cream brand is a good ice cream brand because there’s no such thing as bad ice cream. But there is such a thing as a bad ice cream flavor. Case in point👇
When I saw that sign, I was tempted to go inside and ask for a sample. But the thing about free samples is that they aren’t really free. Try any flavor you want—hell try them all—but there’s no way you’re leaving the store without buying a cone or a cup. The ice cream tycoons know this, and anyone who thinks they can beat the ice cream tycoons at their own game is a fool.
Since I’m trying to cut back on sweets, and since I don’t consider myself a fool, I didn’t go inside. But I did go home to consult Google. According to a Baskin-Robbins press release,2 the new Chick’n & Waffles flavor contains no actual chicken. What a relief!
No meat? No problem. This unique ice cream has been expertly crafted to mimic the taste of fried chicken, but the best part is, it contains 0% real chicken and is 100% delicious.
Unfortunately, the press release didn’t explain what they use to make the “chick’n.” But Baskin-Robbins did say that Chick’n & Waffles is a flavor of the month, so maybe we can expect some other savory ice cream experiments throughout 2023. Personally, I can’t wait for linguine & clams ice cream, or maybe a shrimp fajita sorbet.
$20 worth of free advice
Between payment apps, crypto, and whatever else Silicon Valley dreams up, cash money is under threat. Personally, I like cash, and I’m not just saying that because cash is king, and I’m a loyal subject. I like cash because it’s paper, and you can write weird notes on paper. Exhibit A👇
If you’re having trouble reading the note, it says: “I sucked dick for this. Stay in school. The struggle is real.” Quibble with the content of the message if you like, but try putting that message onto a Bitcoin, or into the memo line of your Venmo transaction. That just doesn’t make sense, does it?
ICYMI
I interviewed Tami Rose to find out what it’s like running an adult novelty store in Mississippi. The responses to my interview with Tami were overwhelmingly positive. This time, I didn’t get any crap for writing about adult entertainment—something I can’t say about my profile of Sophia Locke, or my essay about attending a porn convention. I’d love to believe that the positive response is a sign of progress, but I’ve written enough about adult entertainment to know that sex toys are more palatable than sex workers, to some people anyway.
If you ❤️ Tami’s interview, you’ll ❤️ NSFW
Once a month, I write about adult entertainment in this newsletter. I try to approach those pieces with humor and humanity, and my hope is that the situation normie community will learn a little more about a topic that’s as popular as it is misunderstood. I take the same approach with my Porn Valley mysteries, but writing a novel allows me to take certain liberties in terms of style and story. As my friend Bob put it, “Not Safe for Work is a slacker noir you could tuck neatly between Fletch and The Big Lebowski, with a dash of Boogie Nights, of course.” I paid Bob $20 to say that, so please help me recoup my investment by purchasing a copy of Not Safe for Work👇
Stick around and chat!
OK, it’s that time again. I’ve got questions, maybe you’ve got answers.
My local neighborhood watch seems stumped. Any ideas for preventing booze theft?
Would you try Chick’n & Waffles ice cream? Explain.
Imagine Baskin-Robbins hires you to consult. What savory flavors would you pitch them?
What’s on the menu for your last meal? Also, what crime did you commit, if you can say?
Have you ever come across a note written on cash. What did it say?
Until Sunday…
And remember, you’ll need a ticket to read that story👇
If you can’t afford Situation Normal, but really want to read every story, I’ve got you. Just email me and I’ll comp you a subscription. No need to explain & no stress, OK? Seriously, I’m happy to do it!
https://news.baskinrobbins.com/news/march-2023
1. Get life insurance for the liquor. For $17K premiums, you know the owner will keep a sharper eye on it.
2. Nope. I don’t dig on eating dinner-flavored desserts.
3. Huy Fong sriracha ice cream. The dairy will cut the heat, and there is a sweetness to sriracha that’ll make it play nicely with the ice cream.
4. Once they pinch me for all those computer games I pirated in my childhood, my last meal will be baked Alaska featuring sriracha ice cream with some fully insured hooch poured over it. I will leave behind no loose ends, by God.
5. I came across a $20 that said READ SITUATION NORMAL, FOOL but I had to part with it before taking its photo because my life insurance premiums are just insane. The struggle is real.
My idea for preventing booze theft? Drink it all.
No way I’d eat Chick’n ice cream. But yes to Waffle ice cream! I think the whole “let’s make strange flavors of ice cream” idea is wrong. Ice Cream deserves to be good, not weird.
My last meal would have to include Lemon Custard Ice Cream. Truly the nectar of the gods for me. I was caught reading NSFW and was driving everyone crazy with laughter.
My bills say “Track me at WheresGeorge.com”