My advice for couples is that marriage is an active partnership. Regular, honest communication about what each partner wants is super important, in order to make sure everyone continues to be happy and committed.
1. Ikea is the perfect gage for a good marriage. When Jeffrey holds my purse when I use a public restroom-- it's a reminder that I married the right guy.
2. Advice? Do this-- After 32 years we still finish each other's sentences, laugh a lot and have many inside jokes. He's my bestie.
3. I'm gram shy except for posting my latest Substack essay.
4. I love GIF's. I know some folks are anti-GIF but to me-- anything for an extra laugh.
1. I have no patience, so it sounds brilliant. Anyone that can elevate chair comparisons is worth keeping around. As for marriage counselors, they should hide this lore from most couples. Otherwise people might start cutting out the middleman.
2. (Note: Consider the source.)
Don’t. Forcing things to work is right behind warfare and money as a vector for human misery.
I’m definitely not projecting. It feels good to be a non-projector, immune to the act of projecting. I hope this universal, unprojected wisdom is helpful.
3. There’s two breaking moves-nikes and pikes-that are painfully basic and very Instagram/Swiping-friendly. Think the Air Jordan logo, upside-down. I have done many of these for the gram, in many places. I have no shame.
4. I’ve taken the gif for granted, like commas or advertising. They’ve been dominant as long as I’ve been online.
I’m not worried about the marriage counselors. Once the IKEA test becomes a household thing, IKEA will hire marriage counselors to tutor couples, if only to promote their wedding registry business.
Thank you, Maddie! And thank you for sharing your IKEA story. I know it’s common for people to say they’re sorry to hear that, but I actually want to say congratulations. Figuring out that a partnership isn’t working and getting out so you can get on with your life is a good thing. And a hard thing. But always, always better than the alternative, in my opinion.
Happy anniversary from another long-married reader (27 years). IMHO shared sense of humor is the key to an enduring marriage. You’re in good shape! Also - I love the way you celebrated the 12th.
Thank you, Alison! And congrats on 27 years! I think you’re so right on the money about a sense of humor. If you can’t laugh together, it’s gonna feel like a long marriage, even if it’s a short one.
I dunno! I think IKEA is inherently fun. A better test might be something truly difficult like a bad accident or getting arrested. But that is harder to arrange.
The bad accident or the getting arrested is real marriage shit you’re testing for; unlike IKEA there is no taping-out in those situations. I am accident-prone and Christina is now a Raiders fan, so arrests are all but guaranteed. That said, Christina thinks IKEA is fun. For me, not such much.
Happy Anniversary! Couldn't help but notice you goosing your wife in that photo. Bravo!
1. My husband and I put a trampoline together this summer and it was the most romantic thing in the world. Mostly it was just him getting two steps ahead of the instructions, me calmly suggesting he back up and regroup, and him smiling gratefully that he wasn't left to his own devices. 🙂
2. Talk about EVERYTHING. Laugh every day. And just say you're sorry, even when you know you're right. Fighting sucks and it's a waste of time. Just get back to hugging asap and everyone wins.
3. If I spend any time trying to take gram-worthy photos, I'm usually too tired from the experience to bother posting them.
4. I LOVE GIFS. My siblings and I routinely have text conversations that are purely gifs. It has the same appeal to me as having a full conversation in movie quotes.
Congrats again on 12 years happily ever aftered! My hubby and I are hitting the 19-year mark later this month. We'll probably spend it eating and planning for our 20th next year. 🙂
Happy anniversary guys 😀 I'm getting married next year to my partner of 13 years - we decided to do things in reverse, sort of a try-before-you-buy situation! I think it says quite a lot that after 13 years together we still think marriage is a good idea 😂
Thank you! And congrats on your upcoming wedding! I support the try before you buy idea. Our courtship took about three years. According to my parents, who decided to tie the knot on their third date (the wedding was six months after they first met), Christina and I moved far too slow.
Yes, I have friends whose wedding was 12 weeks after their first date... 15 years on they are still together. In some ways I think it's easier to say yes when you're in the first flushes of falling in love - but when you know inside out what really pisses you off about each other, are you still willing to sign on the dotted line?! 😀
Happy Anniversary! The Ikea test sounds like a great idea. I've learned to say "OK, dear," to my wife's selections unless it's something I really can't stand. And when my wife first moved to LA and said she needed one drawer in the dresser, we ended up with an Ikea dresser 2 days later. The other part of the test is realizing that if you purchase a lot, hire their service to put the stuff together. It will save a lot of grief.
Happy Anniversary! Maz to the many, many more! 100% on the IKEA Before IDO-A Marriage Test. It should be administered in two parts: Part One: the shopping excursion. Part Two: Assembling the junk you just bought. If you survive both, free IHOP (and happily ever always) for life. :)
Happy Anniversary! We’re scouting ahead for you, coming up on 22 years, and we’ve survived the IKEA test and more, thanks to laughs and yeah, good communication. Especially thank god for laughs!
IKEA challenge: agreed. Better yet, if you can buy so much stuff for your new house in one trip and then have to strategically place it all in or on your 1997 Honda CRV to the ridiculous point where IKEA shoppers in the parking lot point and laugh, and you have an hour and a half drive home where you can’t see each other the whole time because of your Billy bookcase (every reader/IKEA shopper here knows the one). Then you’ll REALLY survive.
Another one: take a guided kayak tour with your spouse in a tandem kayak (a.k.a. a divorce boat) a few weeks after your abdominal surgery when it’s really hard for you to coordinate rowing with your spouse who only cares about the fact that other kayakers in the tour twice our age are “beating” us. Very aptly nicknamed boat. Somehow I just made it to 20 years with that horse’s ass 😆
If you haven’t already, check out my newsletter, which is basically an homage to memes and GIFs. It’s not a depressing sick girl blog, I promise. Good times ahead.
1. IKEA has so many good tests! Patience, budgeting, logistics, navigation, assembly... So many ways to go wrong, or right.
2. Go to counseling periodically if you can, either individually or together, even when nothing in particular is going wrong. It can help you understand yourself and your partner better, plus uncover and head off issues before they become huge problems.
3. No, I never got on the Insta train, and since it seems everyone is maybe leaving soon, glad I didn’t pay the ticket fare?
4. I try to send GIFs to my husband sometimes because he likes them, but I wouldn’t ever think to use them otherwise.
You’re right, Renee, there are many excellent tests at IKEA. One test that plagues me every time is the will power to resist the cheap ice cream cones sold just after check out.
Oh gosh, it’s like my weekly battle to not order pizza on the weekends, or really any night, when I don’t think I have the energy to cook! No...must....resist....
Happy anniversary! Mine (14th) is in a couple of days. I have the day off and he took it off and our plan is to go out for lunch while the kid is at school. 😝
My secret to marriage success is having at least one thing you like to do together that isn't sex. My hubs and I have several but the one we bonded over (point and click adventure games) keeps us going strong.
IKEA is a good metric. Being able to function on a shared project is key. You also find out a lot about how someone tackles a problem and how they think when you're working on a project with no written instructions, just pictograms to interpret. Lego is one that's probably more fun.
Basically they're usually a game where you're trying to solve object-based puzzles. Sometimes you're collecting things and combining them, interacting with the environment. No combat usually. Big focus on story.
King's Quest is a classic example, and the Monkey Island games. Sam and Max is a humorous series. The first one we played together is a thriller called Sanitarium. It's a genre with a lot of great indie publisher entries. Telltale Games used to be a big publisher of the genre. I'm a big fan of Wadjet Eye, as far as current indie publishers.
Loved this piece! Like you, I eschew ‘gram, but any time you can weave “Spinal Tap” into a Substack piece, that’s a win. Sadly, I cannot lay claim to a personal GIF yet, although my brother-in-law did receive a bobble-head of himself as a gift once. I’d offer marriage advice, but as I’ve only been married 39 years, I am clearly unqualified.
Very sweet post! Happy anniversary! 🍾
My advice for couples is that marriage is an active partnership. Regular, honest communication about what each partner wants is super important, in order to make sure everyone continues to be happy and committed.
Thank you, Geoffrey! Your advice is golden. OK, that was an easy joke. But it’s true! Communication is key!
Hilarious. Happy Anniversary!
1. Ikea is the perfect gage for a good marriage. When Jeffrey holds my purse when I use a public restroom-- it's a reminder that I married the right guy.
2. Advice? Do this-- After 32 years we still finish each other's sentences, laugh a lot and have many inside jokes. He's my bestie.
3. I'm gram shy except for posting my latest Substack essay.
4. I love GIF's. I know some folks are anti-GIF but to me-- anything for an extra laugh.
Thank you! And congrats on 32 years with your bestie!
1. I have no patience, so it sounds brilliant. Anyone that can elevate chair comparisons is worth keeping around. As for marriage counselors, they should hide this lore from most couples. Otherwise people might start cutting out the middleman.
2. (Note: Consider the source.)
Don’t. Forcing things to work is right behind warfare and money as a vector for human misery.
I’m definitely not projecting. It feels good to be a non-projector, immune to the act of projecting. I hope this universal, unprojected wisdom is helpful.
3. There’s two breaking moves-nikes and pikes-that are painfully basic and very Instagram/Swiping-friendly. Think the Air Jordan logo, upside-down. I have done many of these for the gram, in many places. I have no shame.
4. I’ve taken the gif for granted, like commas or advertising. They’ve been dominant as long as I’ve been online.
I’m not worried about the marriage counselors. Once the IKEA test becomes a household thing, IKEA will hire marriage counselors to tutor couples, if only to promote their wedding registry business.
Happy anniversary, Michael and Christina! 🥳
My lovely ex-husband and I once had a lengthy argument in IKEA over whether we should buy black picture frames or white picture frames.
Now he’s dating a wonderful woman who manages the same IKEA’s restaurant.
I think there’s a lesson in there, but I’m not totally sure what it is! 😂🍝
Thank you, Maddie! And thank you for sharing your IKEA story. I know it’s common for people to say they’re sorry to hear that, but I actually want to say congratulations. Figuring out that a partnership isn’t working and getting out so you can get on with your life is a good thing. And a hard thing. But always, always better than the alternative, in my opinion.
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Happy anniversary from another long-married reader (27 years). IMHO shared sense of humor is the key to an enduring marriage. You’re in good shape! Also - I love the way you celebrated the 12th.
Thank you, Alison! And congrats on 27 years! I think you’re so right on the money about a sense of humor. If you can’t laugh together, it’s gonna feel like a long marriage, even if it’s a short one.
I dunno! I think IKEA is inherently fun. A better test might be something truly difficult like a bad accident or getting arrested. But that is harder to arrange.
The bad accident or the getting arrested is real marriage shit you’re testing for; unlike IKEA there is no taping-out in those situations. I am accident-prone and Christina is now a Raiders fan, so arrests are all but guaranteed. That said, Christina thinks IKEA is fun. For me, not such much.
Happy Anniversary! Couldn't help but notice you goosing your wife in that photo. Bravo!
1. My husband and I put a trampoline together this summer and it was the most romantic thing in the world. Mostly it was just him getting two steps ahead of the instructions, me calmly suggesting he back up and regroup, and him smiling gratefully that he wasn't left to his own devices. 🙂
2. Talk about EVERYTHING. Laugh every day. And just say you're sorry, even when you know you're right. Fighting sucks and it's a waste of time. Just get back to hugging asap and everyone wins.
3. If I spend any time trying to take gram-worthy photos, I'm usually too tired from the experience to bother posting them.
4. I LOVE GIFS. My siblings and I routinely have text conversations that are purely gifs. It has the same appeal to me as having a full conversation in movie quotes.
Congrats again on 12 years happily ever aftered! My hubby and I are hitting the 19-year mark later this month. We'll probably spend it eating and planning for our 20th next year. 🙂
Congrats on 19 going on 20! Also, I love these answers, Meg! Talking about everything is the way.
Now, about those GIFs. I like how you put it - a conversation in movie quotes. Love those conversations.
Happy anniversary guys 😀 I'm getting married next year to my partner of 13 years - we decided to do things in reverse, sort of a try-before-you-buy situation! I think it says quite a lot that after 13 years together we still think marriage is a good idea 😂
Thank you! And congrats on your upcoming wedding! I support the try before you buy idea. Our courtship took about three years. According to my parents, who decided to tie the knot on their third date (the wedding was six months after they first met), Christina and I moved far too slow.
Yes, I have friends whose wedding was 12 weeks after their first date... 15 years on they are still together. In some ways I think it's easier to say yes when you're in the first flushes of falling in love - but when you know inside out what really pisses you off about each other, are you still willing to sign on the dotted line?! 😀
Happy Anniversary! The Ikea test sounds like a great idea. I've learned to say "OK, dear," to my wife's selections unless it's something I really can't stand. And when my wife first moved to LA and said she needed one drawer in the dresser, we ended up with an Ikea dresser 2 days later. The other part of the test is realizing that if you purchase a lot, hire their service to put the stuff together. It will save a lot of grief.
Thank you! You are clearly a man who knows how to ace tests.
Happy Anniversary! Maz to the many, many more! 100% on the IKEA Before IDO-A Marriage Test. It should be administered in two parts: Part One: the shopping excursion. Part Two: Assembling the junk you just bought. If you survive both, free IHOP (and happily ever always) for life. :)
Thank you! Two part IKEA test all the way. Verbal, followed by practical, and fingers crossed, IHOP!
This is the way! 🥞
Happy Anniversary! We’re scouting ahead for you, coming up on 22 years, and we’ve survived the IKEA test and more, thanks to laughs and yeah, good communication. Especially thank god for laughs!
Thank you, Jude! And congrats on 22 years of laughs, love, and partnership!
Thanks Michael! You too, for 12. It’s everything.
Loved this post! 🥰
IKEA challenge: agreed. Better yet, if you can buy so much stuff for your new house in one trip and then have to strategically place it all in or on your 1997 Honda CRV to the ridiculous point where IKEA shoppers in the parking lot point and laugh, and you have an hour and a half drive home where you can’t see each other the whole time because of your Billy bookcase (every reader/IKEA shopper here knows the one). Then you’ll REALLY survive.
Another one: take a guided kayak tour with your spouse in a tandem kayak (a.k.a. a divorce boat) a few weeks after your abdominal surgery when it’s really hard for you to coordinate rowing with your spouse who only cares about the fact that other kayakers in the tour twice our age are “beating” us. Very aptly nicknamed boat. Somehow I just made it to 20 years with that horse’s ass 😆
If you haven’t already, check out my newsletter, which is basically an homage to memes and GIFs. It’s not a depressing sick girl blog, I promise. Good times ahead.
OMG, divorce boat! This feels like a good title for a reality TV reboot of The Love Boat. I would watch!
🤣🤣
1. IKEA has so many good tests! Patience, budgeting, logistics, navigation, assembly... So many ways to go wrong, or right.
2. Go to counseling periodically if you can, either individually or together, even when nothing in particular is going wrong. It can help you understand yourself and your partner better, plus uncover and head off issues before they become huge problems.
3. No, I never got on the Insta train, and since it seems everyone is maybe leaving soon, glad I didn’t pay the ticket fare?
4. I try to send GIFs to my husband sometimes because he likes them, but I wouldn’t ever think to use them otherwise.
You’re right, Renee, there are many excellent tests at IKEA. One test that plagues me every time is the will power to resist the cheap ice cream cones sold just after check out.
Oh gosh, it’s like my weekly battle to not order pizza on the weekends, or really any night, when I don’t think I have the energy to cook! No...must....resist....
I win (and lose) that battle a lot, depending on how you look at winning and losing.
My partner and I conquered the Ikea threat by paying someone to assemble the one piece we bought there. Spoiler: that was a good decision.
Andrew, this is the right answer! Congrats on leveling-up your partnership!
Thanks, Michael! I'm incredibly fortunate, and it seems like you are too.
Happy anniversary! Mine (14th) is in a couple of days. I have the day off and he took it off and our plan is to go out for lunch while the kid is at school. 😝
My secret to marriage success is having at least one thing you like to do together that isn't sex. My hubs and I have several but the one we bonded over (point and click adventure games) keeps us going strong.
IKEA is a good metric. Being able to function on a shared project is key. You also find out a lot about how someone tackles a problem and how they think when you're working on a project with no written instructions, just pictograms to interpret. Lego is one that's probably more fun.
Amber, congrats on your upcoming anniversary! I love the advice you offer. What’s a point-and-click adventure game? Can you tell me a few titles?
Basically they're usually a game where you're trying to solve object-based puzzles. Sometimes you're collecting things and combining them, interacting with the environment. No combat usually. Big focus on story.
King's Quest is a classic example, and the Monkey Island games. Sam and Max is a humorous series. The first one we played together is a thriller called Sanitarium. It's a genre with a lot of great indie publisher entries. Telltale Games used to be a big publisher of the genre. I'm a big fan of Wadjet Eye, as far as current indie publishers.
Loved this piece! Like you, I eschew ‘gram, but any time you can weave “Spinal Tap” into a Substack piece, that’s a win. Sadly, I cannot lay claim to a personal GIF yet, although my brother-in-law did receive a bobble-head of himself as a gift once. I’d offer marriage advice, but as I’ve only been married 39 years, I am clearly unqualified.
Thank you, Bill! And congrats on 39 years! Your marriage has outlasted countless Spinal Tap drummers.