Maybe Raul Macaroni | Police Blotter
Hello situation normies,
Welcome to another edition of Situation Normal!
Sunday’s story about misheard song lyrics was a lot of fun, especially in the comments section, where a situation normie named Sheila Moeschen, who writes Stay Curious, shared her version of Don Henley’s Boys of Summer. I’ve never been a huge fan of that song, but Sheila’s version is a game-changer. Check out: There’s a bathroom on the right.
A big thank you to new paid subscriber Jim Watts! Paid subscriptions from situation normies like Jim are essential because they free up time in my schedule to write Situation Normal.
Maybe Raul Macaroni
The caller ID didn’t recognize the inbound number, but it offered a guess: “Maybe Raul Macaroni.” I was intrigued, so I answered.
“Hello,” I said.
“Miguel?” the caller asked.
“No, this is Michael.”
“Miguel?”
“No dude. I’m Michael.”
“Miguel?”
“Well, sort of. I guess I could be Miguel. Michael. Miguel. You know. OK, this is Miguel, if that’s how you want to play this situation.”
“Si Miguel. Habla espanol?”
“No, not really. Un poco.”
Hearing that I spoke “a little” Spanish, the man who may or may not have been Raul Macaroni, launched into his spiel. He could’ve been selling life insurance, or offering a better mortgage rate, or collecting donations for The Human Fund, but it was all Greek Spanish to me.
“Uh, sorry, man. I mean: lo siento. No habla. I can’t, um, have a conversation with you.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Adios,” I said.
“OK, bye.”
Police Blotter
Situation Normal is many things: a newsletter, a community, a home for my writing, and increasingly, a clearing house for catalytic converter news. If you don’t know, I’ve had my catalytic converter stolen two times in less than a year. I’m supposed to get my new catalytic converter this month (🤞), but in the meantime, the LAPD finally entered the chat by arresting ONE catalytic converter thief. Here’s a press release from the LAPD media relations team:
Los Angeles: Los Angeles Police Department Olympic Area patrol officers arrested a man who attempted to steal catalytic converters, fled the scene, and collided into a pole.
On April 27, 2023, around 6:00 p.m., Olympic Division patrol officers responded to a radio call of a theft of catalytic converter in progress. During their response, officers observed the suspect attempting to steal a second catalytic converter.
The suspect entered a stolen vehicle and fled the location. Officers initiated a vehicle pursuit. The suspect drove to the area of Olympic Boulevard and Harvard Boulevard where he deliberately rammed multiple police vehicles, occupied by officers, in an attempt to get away. He eventually crashed into a pole in the area of Washington Boulevard and Budlong Avenue. The suspect abandoned the disabled stolen vehicle and attempted to carjack another vehicle. He was unsuccessful and was taken into custody.
Hat tip to my friend Lance, who found this item on Twitter, while looking for the exit to that hellscape of a website. To read more about my two unsolved catalytic converter thefts, check out Scoundrels stole my catalytic converter and Return to the scene of the crime.
I’m watching here
Christina and I have been screening a lot of horror movies lately. The other night we found a movie called Llamageddon, which is about a killer llama from outer space that shoots lasers from its eyes. Obviously, we had to watch the trailer.
After the trailer, we knew we had to watch something else. So we picked Studio 666, which is about the Foo Fighters trying to finish their tenth album in a haunted studio. The movie was OK, but I think it should’ve been called Evil Dave Grohl.
I’m reading here
A thriller by Daniel Nieh called Take No Names caught my eye because I’m a sucker for stories about thieves who get in over their heads and I enjoy a good immigrant narrative. I’m about one-quarter of the way into the novel, and Nieh’s voice has me hooked. From the book jacket👇
Victor Li is a man without a past. To his new employer, Mark, he’s just an anonymous hired hand to help with the dirty work. Together, they break into storage units that contain the possessions of the recently deported, pocketing whatever is worth selling. Only Victor and his sister, Jules, know that he’s a wanted man.
Amid the backpacks and suitcases, Victor makes the find of a lifetime: a gem rare and valuable enough to change his fortunes in an instant. But selling it on the sly? Nearly impossible. Thankfully, its former owner, a woman named Song Fei, also left a book of cryptic notes—including the name of a gemstone dealer in Mexico City.
When Victor and Mark cross the southern border, they quickly realize that this gem is wrapped up in a much larger scheme than they imagined. In Mexico City, shadowy international interests are jockeying for power, and they may need someone with Victor’s talents—the same ones that got him in trouble in the first place.
I’m writing books here!
Reading Not Safe for Work will make you laugh, but it’ll also make you more attractive. Don’t take my word for it, though.
I became a sex symbol after reading Michael’s hilarious novel! Seriously, I’m up to my eyelids in ass—and I love it.
— Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady of the United States, sex symbol, and NSFW work super-fan.
Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, situation normies have answers.
What do you think Raul Macaroni, assuming it really was Raul Macaroni, wanted with Miguel? Get creative with your answers.
The LAPD took one catalytic converter thief off the board, but how many remain?
Reading the LAPD press release, it’s obvious that the thief made a key contribution to his arrest by crashing into a pole. Does this make the LAPD press release a weird flex, or should Los Angeles invest in more poles to fight crime?
What are you watching? And does it involve killer llamas from outer space, or evil rock stars?
What are you reading? The model answer is Not Safe for Work, but I will accept other answers.
I think Senor Macaroni was trying to sell Miguel a slightly used catalytic converter.
If the guy who was caught wasn't released on bail, probably about 999 converter thieves in LA.
I don't know if there are enough Poles in LA to fight crime. Back in Chicago, there were a lot of Poles and many of them on the police force.
I've been watching the last season of Mrs. Maisel. And it's annoying that they are releasing it weekly instead of the Amazon tradition of making it bingeable.
I already read your book. Latest reading has been a series of spy novels by Chris Pavone.
1. Raul Macaroni was after an alias consultant. The current name’s holding him back.
2. It’s been this one guy the whole time. Tireless. Adaptable. Mobile. This is VE Day for LA drivers.
3. Poles haven’t touched Rodney King yet. Let’s give them a chance.
4. Beef, and it’s been rewarding. It makes me think about my Beatrix Kiddo mentality, and I’m allergic to reflection.
5. I’m actually, literally, non-panderingly reading Not Safe For Work.