By the time you read this, I’ll be forty-six-years-old. but as I type these words, I am forty-five. This isn’t magic. Or time travel. It’s a function of a content management system that lets me write Situation Normal early in the week and schedule it to publish every Sunday at 3:03 a.m. Pacific. ANYWAY, it’s my birthday. That’s the point, not magic, or time travel, or content management systems. But I’m not sure how I feel about this particular birthday. On the downside of the ledger, there’s getting old, closing in on The Big 5-0, and a brand of cologne called Melancholy™ that sometimes fills my nostrils and bums me out. But on the upside of the ledger, there’s cake. It’s a close call, feelings-wise.
Last birthday my cousin (rudely) decided to get married. Despite trying several times during the cake cutting to start a rousing hhhhaaapppyyy bbbirthdayyy song, no one else joined in and I got a lot of (rude) looks.
I even brought my own candle and tried to put it on top of the cake, but was forcefully led away (rude) and told I was being “disruptive” and “childish”
Can you believe that? On my birthday if all days.
But then, mercifully, as I was about to leave, I noticed a table with a beautiful book filled with signatures and kind birthday wishes (I assume) and a table full of gifts. They hadn’t forgotten after all!
Wait...they’re leading me away from the gifts...these aren’t for me? Who are they for? The bride and groom!? They already got a party and cake and now they get the gifts too?
Anyway, next year I figure I better get married just to be safe, seems that’s the only way to get a birthday party these days
A big part of wisdom, for me, has been recognizing that the things that are solutions for me only work for me. My advice is good for me and often only me. I've learned to give advice only when asked for it. The world is full of solutions to problems and ways to find peace.
Happy birthday, Michael, you young thing. Take the rest of the month to celebrate, too, in any way you want. My last birthday was supposed to be trip to Petaluma to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, including overnight with husband in a nice hotel, because my daughter is part of the Barely Legal shadow cast. At the last minute, she canceled so we canceled because my birthday treat was supposed to be getting to potentially embarrass my kid. Next birthday: Fly first class to Fairbanks AK to see the Northern Lights and play lead guitar in an 1980s-cover rock band.
Thank you for the birthday wishes, Betsy! I'm sorry your Rocky Horror bday didn't work out, but I'm excited for your North Lights bday. That sounds like a lot of fun!
Was anyone else a little fixated on Sam & Jake sitting on that glass table at the end of 16 Candles, a little nervous it would break or that it was going to take a lot of cleaning for the Bakers’ “help” (because, c’mon clearly) to get all the cake & sweaty leg smears out? No? Just 8 going on 80 me? Coool coolcool. Also: Happy UnBirthday Michael! May the odds be reasonably in your favor. 🎉
Thank you for the UnBirthday wishes! As for the table in 16 Candles, hell yes I was worried! Actually, as a kid I worried that I might find myself in such a situation, but as it turned out, and this was a good thing, none of those John Hughes set pieces ever materialized in my life. Of course, I still worry about the table, and now that it's in GIF form, my worries are endless! Also, the clean up from all the 16 Candles shenanigans gives me pause. I'd kinda like to see a TikTok account that's dedicated to cleaning up Jake's house.
RIGHT?!??! Everything you said, and I can’t help but lay awake at night thinking about the environmental damage Grandpa’s auto is doing in that pond! Jesus John Hughes! You made neurotic mid-life crises messes out of a generation of teens!!! Eat all the tacos. You only UnBirthday once.........a year.
Happy Birthday! I am also 46 but I feel like the last few years I sometimes have to pause and think about my exact age. Am 45? 47? So the actual number feels less important lately. Of course that may change when 50 comes up!
It's the pause when someone asks me my age that really gets me. It's like, I should know this, it's MY age, but sometimes it takes me a beat, and in that beat I always feel a little silly.
ohhhh no it definitely does NOT it gets worse i pass the fudging of numbers off as senility and admittedly that tactic is NOT a tough sell.....yet still....
Thanks Geoffrey! There's something poetic about celebrating birth, life, and death all at the same place. BUT... please hold off on those funeral plans for as long as possible!
My last birthday was my 60th and I had a dinner with my wife, my three children in their 30s, my son and daughter-in law, my two brothers, my dad, and one very close friend who's like family.
In honor of the solemn occasion, my 35 year old daughter was dressed to their nines as Gandalf complete with beard. It all made me very happy.
Sixteen Candles! Not even close.
And here's one of my favorite birthday clips. You will have a better birthday than Ben Stiller!
There was cake! Normally, I'd go for my favorite cake, which is a Princess Cake. Or, maybe my second favorite cake, which is red velvet. But this year, all I wanted was a basic supermarket birthday cake (vanilla with white frosting and some icing balloons for decoration), and that is what I got. It hit the spot, then it hit my belly, then I hit the gym.
It's all about the marzipan and the jam for me. It's a Swedish cake, but I've found it at most upscale bakeries. It's also available at--get this--IKEA.
1. Since having children, I always ask for a day to myself. My husband takes the kids away and I go the grocery store and buy myself a lobster roll and some cheddar and sour cream ruffles and a frozen pepperidge farm cake (amazing, btw) and I eat at leisure and binge what I want on TV. It's the bomb.
2. I actually think I might try to socialize for my birthday this year. I also have a can of edibles my big sis from Boston scored for me that I haven't dug into yet. If you get a weird email on January 17th, you'll know why.
3. Fucking Facebook.
4. John Cusack had a tiny role as one of the geek's sidekicks in Sixteen Candles. That's the only reason I watch that movie now. I don't have a reason to watch Bloodsport anymore. I have children.
5. I'm probably closer to the acronym FINE, but it's fine.
I think Sixteen Candles was one of Cusack's first roles. Speaking of rolls, Lobster rolls (see what I did there?), is the grocery store lobster roll good? I assume we're talking about Stop & Shop, right? Do they prepare this New England treat at the deli or fish counter? We don't have these in Los Angeles. But we do have supermarket sushi, and while some people turn up their nose at supermarket sushi, you can actually find some damn fine fish at the right market, at the right time.
I get my lobster rolls at Market Basket, which I believe remains a regional New England chain. The rolls are excellent and at $8.99 you can't beat the price. I love grocery store sushi. There's very little I'll turn my nose up at, if it tastes good and I can afford it. 😂
Market Basket must be super regional. I don't remember that one from my days in Connecticut. Although I remember being told by some New Englanders that CT wasn't the real New England, even though we ate grinders, bought our booze from the package store (unless it was after 8pm or on Sunday), and half the state rooted for The Sox, Pats, and Celtics.
According to the U-Bend, you've hit rock bottom. There's nowhere to go but up.
Bloodsport all the way.
Onward and upward! Also, how did I know you'd pick Bloodsport?
Last birthday my cousin (rudely) decided to get married. Despite trying several times during the cake cutting to start a rousing hhhhaaapppyyy bbbirthdayyy song, no one else joined in and I got a lot of (rude) looks.
I even brought my own candle and tried to put it on top of the cake, but was forcefully led away (rude) and told I was being “disruptive” and “childish”
Can you believe that? On my birthday if all days.
But then, mercifully, as I was about to leave, I noticed a table with a beautiful book filled with signatures and kind birthday wishes (I assume) and a table full of gifts. They hadn’t forgotten after all!
Wait...they’re leading me away from the gifts...these aren’t for me? Who are they for? The bride and groom!? They already got a party and cake and now they get the gifts too?
Anyway, next year I figure I better get married just to be safe, seems that’s the only way to get a birthday party these days
I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't think a wedding is an answer to your birthday woes.
I'm a few birthdays past 46. My life hasn't turned out the way I wanted but I'm mostly the person I want to be. So life is okay.
I only celebrate my birthday when someone else wants to.
The older I get the less wisdom I have.
Honestly, David, it sounds like you have it figured out, even if you don't think you have much wisdom.
A big part of wisdom, for me, has been recognizing that the things that are solutions for me only work for me. My advice is good for me and often only me. I've learned to give advice only when asked for it. The world is full of solutions to problems and ways to find peace.
Happy birthday, Michael, you young thing. Take the rest of the month to celebrate, too, in any way you want. My last birthday was supposed to be trip to Petaluma to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, including overnight with husband in a nice hotel, because my daughter is part of the Barely Legal shadow cast. At the last minute, she canceled so we canceled because my birthday treat was supposed to be getting to potentially embarrass my kid. Next birthday: Fly first class to Fairbanks AK to see the Northern Lights and play lead guitar in an 1980s-cover rock band.
Thank you for the birthday wishes, Betsy! I'm sorry your Rocky Horror bday didn't work out, but I'm excited for your North Lights bday. That sounds like a lot of fun!
Was anyone else a little fixated on Sam & Jake sitting on that glass table at the end of 16 Candles, a little nervous it would break or that it was going to take a lot of cleaning for the Bakers’ “help” (because, c’mon clearly) to get all the cake & sweaty leg smears out? No? Just 8 going on 80 me? Coool coolcool. Also: Happy UnBirthday Michael! May the odds be reasonably in your favor. 🎉
Thank you for the UnBirthday wishes! As for the table in 16 Candles, hell yes I was worried! Actually, as a kid I worried that I might find myself in such a situation, but as it turned out, and this was a good thing, none of those John Hughes set pieces ever materialized in my life. Of course, I still worry about the table, and now that it's in GIF form, my worries are endless! Also, the clean up from all the 16 Candles shenanigans gives me pause. I'd kinda like to see a TikTok account that's dedicated to cleaning up Jake's house.
RIGHT?!??! Everything you said, and I can’t help but lay awake at night thinking about the environmental damage Grandpa’s auto is doing in that pond! Jesus John Hughes! You made neurotic mid-life crises messes out of a generation of teens!!! Eat all the tacos. You only UnBirthday once.........a year.
It’s been an intense “we’re getting older” birthday week on Substack. You, Amran Gowani, me (though I didn’t write anything hilarious like you two)
Happy birthday to you! Also, even the youngsters are getting older. Happens to everyone, every day 😄
Ha! It sure does.
Happy Birthday! I am also 46 but I feel like the last few years I sometimes have to pause and think about my exact age. Am 45? 47? So the actual number feels less important lately. Of course that may change when 50 comes up!
It's the pause when someone asks me my age that really gets me. It's like, I should know this, it's MY age, but sometimes it takes me a beat, and in that beat I always feel a little silly.
ohhhh no it definitely does NOT it gets worse i pass the fudging of numbers off as senility and admittedly that tactic is NOT a tough sell.....yet still....
Ha, this is good to know!
Happy Fine Birthday, Michael! I celebrated my birthday this year at Super Nintendo World, where I suspect my funeral will also take place.
Thanks Geoffrey! There's something poetic about celebrating birth, life, and death all at the same place. BUT... please hold off on those funeral plans for as long as possible!
*Sigh* If you INSIST.
Thanks for the inspiration. Next Sunday at 3:02am I'm going to start looking for training on how best to punch someone in the nuts.
The secret to a good nut-punch is to be Jean-Claude Van Damme.
My last birthday was my 60th and I had a dinner with my wife, my three children in their 30s, my son and daughter-in law, my two brothers, my dad, and one very close friend who's like family.
In honor of the solemn occasion, my 35 year old daughter was dressed to their nines as Gandalf complete with beard. It all made me very happy.
Sixteen Candles! Not even close.
And here's one of my favorite birthday clips. You will have a better birthday than Ben Stiller!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQlvPoUSK8k
robertsdavidn.substack.com
Thank you, David! And thank you for sharing the Curbed clip, one of my favorite shows!
Belated Happy Birthday!
1. Last birthday, I streamed Predator and Predator 2 on the 1900Hotdog discord with a bunch of friends.
2. Next time, I will stream Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. I am incapable of lying.
3. Facebook is where misery searches for strange.
4. Molly Ringwald is a national treasure, but the love between JCVD and Ray Jackson is eternal.
5. It's okay to be okay!
Thanks for the birthday wishes! Your answers, especially the Facebook one, were perfect -- 10 out of 10!
My pleasure! And thank you!
So did you eat cake or wot? If so, what kind of cake?
There was cake! Normally, I'd go for my favorite cake, which is a Princess Cake. Or, maybe my second favorite cake, which is red velvet. But this year, all I wanted was a basic supermarket birthday cake (vanilla with white frosting and some icing balloons for decoration), and that is what I got. It hit the spot, then it hit my belly, then I hit the gym.
I loves me a supermarket cake. And would love to hear more about this PRINCESS CAKE.
It's all about the marzipan and the jam for me. It's a Swedish cake, but I've found it at most upscale bakeries. It's also available at--get this--IKEA.
Of course!
wait is bloodsport about a birthday?
also - what advice do you have for your 66 year old self??
1. Since having children, I always ask for a day to myself. My husband takes the kids away and I go the grocery store and buy myself a lobster roll and some cheddar and sour cream ruffles and a frozen pepperidge farm cake (amazing, btw) and I eat at leisure and binge what I want on TV. It's the bomb.
2. I actually think I might try to socialize for my birthday this year. I also have a can of edibles my big sis from Boston scored for me that I haven't dug into yet. If you get a weird email on January 17th, you'll know why.
3. Fucking Facebook.
4. John Cusack had a tiny role as one of the geek's sidekicks in Sixteen Candles. That's the only reason I watch that movie now. I don't have a reason to watch Bloodsport anymore. I have children.
5. I'm probably closer to the acronym FINE, but it's fine.
6. Happy Birthday, Michael.
7. "sad pants." 🥹
I think Sixteen Candles was one of Cusack's first roles. Speaking of rolls, Lobster rolls (see what I did there?), is the grocery store lobster roll good? I assume we're talking about Stop & Shop, right? Do they prepare this New England treat at the deli or fish counter? We don't have these in Los Angeles. But we do have supermarket sushi, and while some people turn up their nose at supermarket sushi, you can actually find some damn fine fish at the right market, at the right time.
I get my lobster rolls at Market Basket, which I believe remains a regional New England chain. The rolls are excellent and at $8.99 you can't beat the price. I love grocery store sushi. There's very little I'll turn my nose up at, if it tastes good and I can afford it. 😂
Market Basket must be super regional. I don't remember that one from my days in Connecticut. Although I remember being told by some New Englanders that CT wasn't the real New England, even though we ate grinders, bought our booze from the package store (unless it was after 8pm or on Sunday), and half the state rooted for The Sox, Pats, and Celtics.
Happy Birthday Michael! Enjoy every minute of 46, celebrate in joy or fake until you make it.
Thank you, Judith!
Happy birthday, Michael! (Go Team Virgo)
Thank you, Gabe! Team Virgo for the win!