We’re wheels up at six in the morning, bound for Burbank airport. We take the 118 east to the 5 south, bear left where the 170 splits off from the 5. Keep on cruising, then get off at Hollywood Way. Smooth sailing until the offramp, where the shit hits the fan.
Burbank can be hit and miss for sure. I once had a meeting in Woodland Hills and gave myself two hours to get to the airport and check in. TWO Hours. About an hour in and I'm not even to the 405, I start to sweat. I finally get to the airport 20 minutes until wheels up. They're already boarding. But I have a rental car and the the rental hub is a half-mile long path of people movers. I get out of the car in suit and tie. I grab my suitcase and start toward the airport. I channeled my inner OJ (70s Hertz rental OJ, not double murderer OJ) and dodged strollers, sidestepped the elderly and hurdled abandoned suitcases, but I was the last one to board the plane before doors closed. As I sat, my face dripping with sweat and my lungs processing the Southern California air through a series of coughs (only mild side-eye. This was before COVID), I resolved not to underestimate SoCal traffic again... Thanks for the story and the spark to recount my Burbank Airport experience.
This reminds me of one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes where Elaine just plugs into the psychic field while driving (I think to an airport.) God bless the internet bc I found the quote!!
Elaine: “I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there. And then, I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this... I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.”
Thank you, Isabel! Anytime someone says my stories even remotely remind them of Seinfeld, I’m a happy man. And oh boy, what a great Elaine monologue. Thanks for finding it!
I've wondered my whole life why merging is such a disaster. I think it's a combination of laziness, selfishness, and aloofness while driving, which creates the perfect storm of stupidity at every exit ramp, entry ramp, lane split, and the like, across the galaxy.
Right! Merging really should be so simple: one car goes, then the other car, then on and on and on...
But for the reasons you mentioned, we just can’t seem to solve a really simple collective action problem. I’m not one to cheer for self-driving cars, but if the drive-assist tech that’s in a lot of new cars leads to an automated merge scenario, I’d be a happier man.
It is so weird how invested I got in Christina making that flight! Thanks for such a fun read!
My best recent story is I got on the A train three hours before my flight from JFK but then it got stuck and wasn’t moving thanks to some sort of stall down the line so then I ran up to the street to get an Uber but it never came and then there were no Lyfts because there was a crazy thunderstorm and no cabs bc I’m now in Brownsville and then I finally got an Uber but it cost me $105 to go three miles bc surge charge and I got to my gate in the nick of time only to hear they had just delayed the flight three hours bc weather.
wow, that was a lot of transportation drama in a relatively short period of space. if i ever do a collection of transportation stories, i'm hiring you to edit it, Anne!
Anne -- your little slice of misery and drama made me laugh -- sorry. I have a post on the shelf -- something like how long - how much? I think people for weird reasons like to brag about how long something took or how much it cost -- sounds like your trip to Bflo was an ordeal!
I actually enjoyed it very much because it was so over the top! It made me laugh too. And yes, also the bragging rights. Also I like spending time in airports in general.
Which airport in Chicago? If she was at ORD and was in Terminal 1 concourse B she should have got a Torta from Tortas Fronterra and some Garetts popcorn for dessert/mid flight snack.
It is legit! I may or may not have thrown a gallon bag in my carryon to keep it contained on a flight. I also may or may not have carried on a fresh deep dish pizza from the Giradonos near ORD, yes it went through security just fine.
Oh Michael, this was a delight. You and my man clearly graduated from the same "good husband" school because mine totally would have role played us out of traffic like that. On the flip side, though, he's the forgetful one. I'm just the one who beats up on myself for not reminding him not to forget things.
1) Someday my life will imitate The Golden Girls. I'm certain of it.
2) My family of four went on our first REAL vacation together last summer. We went to the Netherlands. You may recall front page news around that time about the INSANE passenger delays at the airport in Amsterdam. Well, on our way home, we arrived at the airport 3 1/2 hours before our flight. Proceeded to STAND IN LINE FOR 4 STRAIGHT HOURS and then had to sprint 20 or so gates (with luggage) to board with seconds to spare (they were nice enough to hold the plane because their entire manifest was stuck in the food court). Keep in mind two of us were under the age of 9. And the other two were seriously out of shape.
4) There's no such thing as too many Star Wars quotes.
5) People don't know how to do the zipper.
6) I've never been glad I ate anything at an airport outside of breakfast pastries. Something flaky with more butter than flour is always a good choice.
Thank you, Meg! Your dream of life imitating The Golden Girls is a good one! I’ve actually heard this dream many times. We should all retire and get roommates who gossip of cheesecake. In the meantime, you’re right about airport food. I’ll take a danish, a coffee, and a window seat. Lastly, Amsterdam! My favorite city. Seriously, I love it there. Yeah, ok, I love the coffee shops. But what I really love are the art museums and the fact that it’s so walkable. And the struppwaffles. Those are grand! And the fact that all the restaurants are tiny, so you can eavesdrop easily. Ten out of ten. And yes, I remember the clusterfuck at the airport. I missed it. But Christina was there for work around that time. Her assistant scheduled a car to take her and some colleagues to the airport 8 hours early. I think they made it with 90 minutes to spare. Wild.
Embarrassing but true: I could drive a thousand miles playing Howard Jones' "Things Will Get Better" over and over again. Also: the entire first album of the J. Geils Band.
1. I emit some kind of pheremone that makes people go on Transmetropolitan rants, of both the madman and villain variety. It has to be me somehow. They’re probably just matching the energy I give.
2. Teenage Dennard had a high estimate of how much flak you could give a post 9/11 TSA agent.
3. In my war on subtlety, I’d have to go with Worldwide Choppers by Tech N9ne, featuring six other guys rapping at triple speed.
4. Feed me more space samurai.
5. The fruit of knowledge left out how to merge. That snake was not a fan of us.
6. The further north you go, the greater the darkness on this front.
Teenage Dennard has something in common with adult Michael. I try to be friendly, even at security checkpoints, but when a TSA agent makes a wisecrack about my beard and how I look like a terrorist, the gloves come off. Actually, my gloves come off. Their gloves go on for extra searching.
"We’re up against the ultimate motherfucker life can throw at you: Los Angeles traffic." One of your BEST LINES EVER! And absolutely true. You never get used to it. Spencer Davis - Gimme Some Lovin" will play at my funeral , LOUD and on a loop. 1966 What a great year to live in Santa Cruz. So glad I made it. I loved every word of this piece. Genius!
"I let that question go unanswered." This made me lol.
This whole piece is so relatable and stressed me out, but at least I was laughing!
I think it was the perfect amount of Star Wars references, even though some of it was over my head (only a casual fan here, granted casual means I own the original trilogy and have seen it 10x).
You sound very level-headed in a high stress situation, which is SO NICE! My partner is the same way and it really is the most helpful.
I'm glad you were laughing through the stress of this piece! I'm generally level-headed in mundane stressful situations like traffic, but I totally lose my shit in situations involving insects, wild animals, and other high-fear stressful situations. Thankfully, that's when Christina is calm.
Oh yeah I have zero chill for insects larger than an inch.
It's too bad because I do actually think many insects are aesthetically really cool looking-- I just can't handle the idea of them unexpectedly jumping/flying onto me. Can't. Cannot.
It's happened before. Can't even talk about it. Might die.
Haha, don’t die. But if you wanna read about my monkey freak out, here’s this story from our trip to Bali, where I lost my shit and calm Christina saved the day.
1. I see my life AS art (everyone's lives not just mine) so to me art imitates life or truthfully no distinction can be made.
2. In June, 2001, I was flying from Birmingham, Alabama, where I then lived, to San Antonio, Texas. It still being summer of 2001, I wasn't as urgently as required and when I pulled into the parking structure, my flight was taking off. I got in the line and a fellow traveler on hearing my sitch said I'd prob have to pay like $100 to get on a diff flight. Literally I was on the shoestringiest of shoestrings for that trip. But the lady at the counter got me on a flight on a totally other airline leaving like 40 mins later and it cost me zero. So my bad habits as often is the case were reinforced by the gentleness of the universe.
3. Is why I wanted to comment because the song for me is "Scarface (Push It To The Limit)" from the film Scarface and which was my very first annual #PowerAnthem®️™️ in 2016 which I began naming each year in place of making resolutions. Sidenote my #PowerAnthem2023®️™️ is "Hold Your Head Up" by Argent.
4. Honestly the only thing I ever liked about Star Wars was R2D2 so the piece meets with my approval.
5. Merging is a clusterfuck because of the video game "Frogger."
6. I know it's hard to get these at the airport but one time I was at an open mic in Chicago I think in like boystown somewhere and a Tamale Guy®️™️ came in during my set & I bought one from the stage. That's my fave Chicago food.
FINAL NOTE I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THE THINGS YOU DESCRIBED IN THIS STORY. It's fully miraculous that you were all the way out by Porter Ranch/Rinaldi & then to Burbank Airport and BACK AND BACK in like 1 exact hour. You truly are a Power Driver®️™️
I don’t have an airport run story per se but I am a stock photo for “sh*tty airport experience”. It was May of 2016 and in the final moments of my Master’s program. I had submitted my thesis work to present at a couple Industrial conference, got accepted to both, and had to go from Indiana to Las Vegas to Covington, KY back to Terre Haute in the span of 5 days. The first leg required driving to my parents house and catching a flight out of O’Hare to Harry Reid. I grew up near O’Hare and am accustomed to the traditional 2 hour pre-flight arrival time.
Unbeknownst to me there was an issue at the airport with extremely long TSA lines due to staff cutbacks. Long enough to be documented on social media and picked up by local news outlets. So the day I was at the airport the news cameras were already there taking pictures of this ever increasing line of people waiting to get through the id check at security. Being bored I was making every effort to maintain eye contact with the camera and eventually make my way through the 30 minute line, catch my flight and land in Vegas for the conference. While I'm there I get a text from my cousin asking if that was me in this photo about the lines at O'Hare.
Sure enough there I am in the bottom left hand corner giving a ton of side eye as I am stuck turning the corner of the corral! I explained my experience and proceeded to have a fun 24 hours in Vegas at the conference. Catch my next flight and do a ton of driving the following week but halfway through I'm getting people sending me articles with my picture in it from all over the internet. I have a fun time explaining it and move on with my life.
A few years later United has to remove a passenger from an overbooked flight and the whole thing goes a bit sideways for them and *bam* I'm getting articles with my picture in it sent to me all over again. It has happened a few more times over the years where a bad thing happens to people in an airport and I'll get random articles with this picture in it.
Wow, you're a stock photo traveler! This is hilarious. I wonder how long this will continue. My best guess is that you'll be the poster guy for bad airport days until flying cars are a thing.
Burbank can be hit and miss for sure. I once had a meeting in Woodland Hills and gave myself two hours to get to the airport and check in. TWO Hours. About an hour in and I'm not even to the 405, I start to sweat. I finally get to the airport 20 minutes until wheels up. They're already boarding. But I have a rental car and the the rental hub is a half-mile long path of people movers. I get out of the car in suit and tie. I grab my suitcase and start toward the airport. I channeled my inner OJ (70s Hertz rental OJ, not double murderer OJ) and dodged strollers, sidestepped the elderly and hurdled abandoned suitcases, but I was the last one to board the plane before doors closed. As I sat, my face dripping with sweat and my lungs processing the Southern California air through a series of coughs (only mild side-eye. This was before COVID), I resolved not to underestimate SoCal traffic again... Thanks for the story and the spark to recount my Burbank Airport experience.
Thanks for sharing this story, Vince! You really nailed it. And I’ve been that Hertz OJ too, not the double-murder OJ.
This reminds me of one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes where Elaine just plugs into the psychic field while driving (I think to an airport.) God bless the internet bc I found the quote!!
Elaine: “I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there. And then, I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this... I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.”
That’s how I pictured you, LA style.
Thank you, Isabel! Anytime someone says my stories even remotely remind them of Seinfeld, I’m a happy man. And oh boy, what a great Elaine monologue. Thanks for finding it!
I've wondered my whole life why merging is such a disaster. I think it's a combination of laziness, selfishness, and aloofness while driving, which creates the perfect storm of stupidity at every exit ramp, entry ramp, lane split, and the like, across the galaxy.
Right! Merging really should be so simple: one car goes, then the other car, then on and on and on...
But for the reasons you mentioned, we just can’t seem to solve a really simple collective action problem. I’m not one to cheer for self-driving cars, but if the drive-assist tech that’s in a lot of new cars leads to an automated merge scenario, I’d be a happier man.
Collective action tends to be an issue for humanity.
Merging is easy if people remember…like a zipper.
Haha, yes!
It is so weird how invested I got in Christina making that flight! Thanks for such a fun read!
My best recent story is I got on the A train three hours before my flight from JFK but then it got stuck and wasn’t moving thanks to some sort of stall down the line so then I ran up to the street to get an Uber but it never came and then there were no Lyfts because there was a crazy thunderstorm and no cabs bc I’m now in Brownsville and then I finally got an Uber but it cost me $105 to go three miles bc surge charge and I got to my gate in the nick of time only to hear they had just delayed the flight three hours bc weather.
All this for a 45-minute flight to Buffalo.
wow, that was a lot of transportation drama in a relatively short period of space. if i ever do a collection of transportation stories, i'm hiring you to edit it, Anne!
Anne -- your little slice of misery and drama made me laugh -- sorry. I have a post on the shelf -- something like how long - how much? I think people for weird reasons like to brag about how long something took or how much it cost -- sounds like your trip to Bflo was an ordeal!
I actually enjoyed it very much because it was so over the top! It made me laugh too. And yes, also the bragging rights. Also I like spending time in airports in general.
You're a hella driver, bro. You had the force on ye're side, and you're funny as heck.
thank you, Joseph! may the Force be with you!
Which airport in Chicago? If she was at ORD and was in Terminal 1 concourse B she should have got a Torta from Tortas Fronterra and some Garetts popcorn for dessert/mid flight snack.
It was ORD. Will keep this tip in my back pocket for next time. Got some fam from the Chicago area who have sent me Garetts. That popcorn is legit.
It is legit! I may or may not have thrown a gallon bag in my carryon to keep it contained on a flight. I also may or may not have carried on a fresh deep dish pizza from the Giradonos near ORD, yes it went through security just fine.
Oh Michael, this was a delight. You and my man clearly graduated from the same "good husband" school because mine totally would have role played us out of traffic like that. On the flip side, though, he's the forgetful one. I'm just the one who beats up on myself for not reminding him not to forget things.
1) Someday my life will imitate The Golden Girls. I'm certain of it.
2) My family of four went on our first REAL vacation together last summer. We went to the Netherlands. You may recall front page news around that time about the INSANE passenger delays at the airport in Amsterdam. Well, on our way home, we arrived at the airport 3 1/2 hours before our flight. Proceeded to STAND IN LINE FOR 4 STRAIGHT HOURS and then had to sprint 20 or so gates (with luggage) to board with seconds to spare (they were nice enough to hold the plane because their entire manifest was stuck in the food court). Keep in mind two of us were under the age of 9. And the other two were seriously out of shape.
3) Bonnie Tyler's "Faster Than the Speed of Night". https://open.spotify.com/track/30oZqbcUROFLSru3WcN3bx?si=a6fa4eefaa274097
4) There's no such thing as too many Star Wars quotes.
5) People don't know how to do the zipper.
6) I've never been glad I ate anything at an airport outside of breakfast pastries. Something flaky with more butter than flour is always a good choice.
Thank you, Meg! Your dream of life imitating The Golden Girls is a good one! I’ve actually heard this dream many times. We should all retire and get roommates who gossip of cheesecake. In the meantime, you’re right about airport food. I’ll take a danish, a coffee, and a window seat. Lastly, Amsterdam! My favorite city. Seriously, I love it there. Yeah, ok, I love the coffee shops. But what I really love are the art museums and the fact that it’s so walkable. And the struppwaffles. Those are grand! And the fact that all the restaurants are tiny, so you can eavesdrop easily. Ten out of ten. And yes, I remember the clusterfuck at the airport. I missed it. But Christina was there for work around that time. Her assistant scheduled a car to take her and some colleagues to the airport 8 hours early. I think they made it with 90 minutes to spare. Wild.
Embarrassing but true: I could drive a thousand miles playing Howard Jones' "Things Will Get Better" over and over again. Also: the entire first album of the J. Geils Band.
Nice driving!
I don’t think that’s an embarrassing choice. In fact, I could see this as the sound track to a really beautiful road trip movie.
1. I emit some kind of pheremone that makes people go on Transmetropolitan rants, of both the madman and villain variety. It has to be me somehow. They’re probably just matching the energy I give.
2. Teenage Dennard had a high estimate of how much flak you could give a post 9/11 TSA agent.
3. In my war on subtlety, I’d have to go with Worldwide Choppers by Tech N9ne, featuring six other guys rapping at triple speed.
4. Feed me more space samurai.
5. The fruit of knowledge left out how to merge. That snake was not a fan of us.
6. The further north you go, the greater the darkness on this front.
Teenage Dennard has something in common with adult Michael. I try to be friendly, even at security checkpoints, but when a TSA agent makes a wisecrack about my beard and how I look like a terrorist, the gloves come off. Actually, my gloves come off. Their gloves go on for extra searching.
Macroaggressions are codified and encouraged in the TSA handbook. I guess it comes with being explicitly aimed at one demo for a decade.
I like the word Macroaggressions. It feels like the starting point for a Dennard Dayle classic.
"We’re up against the ultimate motherfucker life can throw at you: Los Angeles traffic." One of your BEST LINES EVER! And absolutely true. You never get used to it. Spencer Davis - Gimme Some Lovin" will play at my funeral , LOUD and on a loop. 1966 What a great year to live in Santa Cruz. So glad I made it. I loved every word of this piece. Genius!
Thank you, Sharron!
Reading this made me SO TENSE
I’m going to take that as a compliment. But also, I’m sorry. You don’t need my permission, but go do something fun to relieve that tension.
It was meant as a compliment 😅
Loved the pace, the Chandleresque descriptions, the over-use of Star Wars references! Great piece.
“Crosstown Traffic” - Jimi Hendrix. For highway driving, “Radar Love” - Golden Earring.
Two great music choices! Pretty sure Radar Love is scientifically proven shave a few minutes off every trip.
Yup. And L.A. Woman by the Doors is a valid excuse for driving over 90mph on the 10 thru West Covina!
That’s what I’m gonna tell the CHP officer!
Living in Chicago, I'm pretty familiar with the food options at O'Hare. I hit up the bar for a glass of wine (or 2)if that tells you anything...🍷🤪
Liquid lunch next time I pass through Chicago I guess.
I usually call it second breakfast. 😄
"I let that question go unanswered." This made me lol.
This whole piece is so relatable and stressed me out, but at least I was laughing!
I think it was the perfect amount of Star Wars references, even though some of it was over my head (only a casual fan here, granted casual means I own the original trilogy and have seen it 10x).
You sound very level-headed in a high stress situation, which is SO NICE! My partner is the same way and it really is the most helpful.
I'm glad you were laughing through the stress of this piece! I'm generally level-headed in mundane stressful situations like traffic, but I totally lose my shit in situations involving insects, wild animals, and other high-fear stressful situations. Thankfully, that's when Christina is calm.
Oh yeah I have zero chill for insects larger than an inch.
It's too bad because I do actually think many insects are aesthetically really cool looking-- I just can't handle the idea of them unexpectedly jumping/flying onto me. Can't. Cannot.
It's happened before. Can't even talk about it. Might die.
Haha, don’t die. But if you wanna read about my monkey freak out, here’s this story from our trip to Bali, where I lost my shit and calm Christina saved the day.
https://open.substack.com/pub/michaelestrin/p/escape-from-monkey-mountain?r=1fqhx&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
1. I see my life AS art (everyone's lives not just mine) so to me art imitates life or truthfully no distinction can be made.
2. In June, 2001, I was flying from Birmingham, Alabama, where I then lived, to San Antonio, Texas. It still being summer of 2001, I wasn't as urgently as required and when I pulled into the parking structure, my flight was taking off. I got in the line and a fellow traveler on hearing my sitch said I'd prob have to pay like $100 to get on a diff flight. Literally I was on the shoestringiest of shoestrings for that trip. But the lady at the counter got me on a flight on a totally other airline leaving like 40 mins later and it cost me zero. So my bad habits as often is the case were reinforced by the gentleness of the universe.
3. Is why I wanted to comment because the song for me is "Scarface (Push It To The Limit)" from the film Scarface and which was my very first annual #PowerAnthem®️™️ in 2016 which I began naming each year in place of making resolutions. Sidenote my #PowerAnthem2023®️™️ is "Hold Your Head Up" by Argent.
4. Honestly the only thing I ever liked about Star Wars was R2D2 so the piece meets with my approval.
5. Merging is a clusterfuck because of the video game "Frogger."
6. I know it's hard to get these at the airport but one time I was at an open mic in Chicago I think in like boystown somewhere and a Tamale Guy®️™️ came in during my set & I bought one from the stage. That's my fave Chicago food.
FINAL NOTE I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THE THINGS YOU DESCRIBED IN THIS STORY. It's fully miraculous that you were all the way out by Porter Ranch/Rinaldi & then to Burbank Airport and BACK AND BACK in like 1 exact hour. You truly are a Power Driver®️™️
Love this comment, Em! I don't know Scarface (Push It To The Limit), but I'm going to check that one out!
I don’t have an airport run story per se but I am a stock photo for “sh*tty airport experience”. It was May of 2016 and in the final moments of my Master’s program. I had submitted my thesis work to present at a couple Industrial conference, got accepted to both, and had to go from Indiana to Las Vegas to Covington, KY back to Terre Haute in the span of 5 days. The first leg required driving to my parents house and catching a flight out of O’Hare to Harry Reid. I grew up near O’Hare and am accustomed to the traditional 2 hour pre-flight arrival time.
Unbeknownst to me there was an issue at the airport with extremely long TSA lines due to staff cutbacks. Long enough to be documented on social media and picked up by local news outlets. So the day I was at the airport the news cameras were already there taking pictures of this ever increasing line of people waiting to get through the id check at security. Being bored I was making every effort to maintain eye contact with the camera and eventually make my way through the 30 minute line, catch my flight and land in Vegas for the conference. While I'm there I get a text from my cousin asking if that was me in this photo about the lines at O'Hare.
Sure enough there I am in the bottom left hand corner giving a ton of side eye as I am stuck turning the corner of the corral! I explained my experience and proceeded to have a fun 24 hours in Vegas at the conference. Catch my next flight and do a ton of driving the following week but halfway through I'm getting people sending me articles with my picture in it from all over the internet. I have a fun time explaining it and move on with my life.
A few years later United has to remove a passenger from an overbooked flight and the whole thing goes a bit sideways for them and *bam* I'm getting articles with my picture in it sent to me all over again. It has happened a few more times over the years where a bad thing happens to people in an airport and I'll get random articles with this picture in it.
Here I am on NBC News:
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna575701
Wow, you're a stock photo traveler! This is hilarious. I wonder how long this will continue. My best guess is that you'll be the poster guy for bad airport days until flying cars are a thing.