I love these stories, so I'm setting them free
Stories about eating edibles and flying Southwest, CCR's misheard lyrics, a divorced Lyft driver, and the one with my dad, Bob Hope, and the Sultan of Oman
Hello and welcome! I’m Michael Estrin. I write Situation Normal for people who take their humor with a side of humanity and a dash of insight. (Be sure to read to the end for a picture of Mortimer, the hardest working dog in the newsletter game🐶)
FIRST, a big thank you to the new paid subscribers at Situation Normal! Annoesjka sent money via PayPal, which is awesome! She also told me a little about her work translating popular books into Dutch. Since I know there are lot of authors in the Situation Normal community, let me say this: when you sell the foreign rights to your book🤞, insist that the translator is paid a fair wage.
also sent money via PayPal and asked an important question: does Mortimer answer to Morty? The answer is yes! became an annual subscriber, writing “I’ve enjoyed too many of your posts not to!” Also, Mills leads a team of talented designers at Substack who make all the logistical aspects of publishing a newsletter and podcast super-smooth, so double thanks to you, Mills! Marion B. became an annual subscriber and sent me a lovely private note. Thank you, Marion! signed on for a monthly subscription and told me why: “Michael, I was intrigued by your ‘Substackanomics’ post recently. Somehow you satisfactorily explained “why pay” and how it works. Useful for someone like me also trying to grow paid subscriptions. But, the biggie for me (aka why I’m paying), you write really well and you don’t take yourself too seriously!” A not-too-serious-but-nevertheless-heartfelt thanks, Debbie! Secular Jen bought an annual subscription, rendering unto Situation Normal that which previously belonged to Secular Jen. Thank you! purchased an annual subscription, even though I made her life difficult by encouraging her to read Doppelgängers by Naomi Klein. Thank you, and I’m so sorry, Asha!Situation Normal is free (except for the last post of the year). The generous financial support from some situation normies helps me bring joy to thousands of situation normies. I think that’s wonderful! If you can, please consider subscribing👇
Or, if PayPal is your thing, send any amount here. I’ll add you to the list so that you receive the first annual Situation Normal Stakeholder Report at the end of the year.
OK, that’s a lot of 💰💰💰—enough to set some Situation Normal stories free, which is exactly what I’m about to do.
At the start of 2023, I turned on payments for Situation Normal. My plan was to make trillions of dollars, then go sit on a beach somewhere and earn 20 percent. Actually, that was Hans Gruber’s plan, and it didn’t work out too well for Hans, did it?
Turns out my plan to get rich by writing funny, personal stories and emailing them to strangers wasn’t what the business people call “smart.” I think that’s because there are plenty of better ways to make money than writing comedy. Here are a few can’t-miss money-making ventures I got from a Business Insider article that was written by a low-paid human who used the free version of ChatGPT:
Petty larceny
Smelting
Grand larceny
A lemonade stand
Murder for hire
Selling solar
Writing ransom notes
Creating an AI that writes ransom notes between solar sales gigs
Stealing catalytic converters
Betting on Jai alai
Insurance fraud
Being a Kardashian
Winning Wheel of Fortune
OnlyFans
Filing frivolous lawsuits
Mismanaging a sovereign wealth fund
Plastics
This isn’t a complete list, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not in it for the money. I write Situation Normal because it’s fun for me and you.
Which brings to a confession: I left 98% of you out of the fun on four Situation Normal stories.
Sorry.
I did this on purpose.
Again, sorry.
It was an experiment, I swear. I wanted to see if a paywall would give Situation Normal what the business people call “paying customers.”
Turns out, those four stories did lead to a few paying customers. But I hated using the paywall. Also, most people who pay for Situation Normal do it because they love this newsletter and they want to support it. In other words, I have patrons, not customers.
Going forward, Situation Normal will be 100% free, with two exceptions:
After six months, all stories automatically go behind a paywall. I’m doing this to make it harder on trolls. I also want to harder on AI companies that want to train their models on my work—although I’m not sure paywalling the archives is much of a defense against SkyNet. Finally, I’m locking the archives to make it easier for me to collect the stories and turn them into books at some point. If there’s a story in the Situation Normal archives that you want to read, just ask and I’ll give you a set of keys, unless you’re a troll, or an AI, or an AI troll (god help us).
The last story of the year. That story will be a Stakeholder Report, which means I’ll explain the business side of Situation Normal. There might even be charts!
What about the four stories that were paywalled?
Glad you asked! I love them, and as the saying goes, if you love something, set it free. You’ll find those four stories below. They’re all great, but the one about my dad, Bob Hope, and the Sultan of Oman is very close to my heart.
Please enjoy those stories:
High flier
Whenever I fly Southwest I think about the time my sister, Allison, got sideways with that particular airline. Allison wanted to change her ticket, which the Southwest agent was happy to do, but only if Allison paid the change fee. At the time, Allison was a broke-ass college student, so paying a few hundred bucks to shave a lifetime off her trip back to school wasn’t going to happen. The prospect of her ludicrous journey—Los Angeles » Phoenix » Oakland » Salt Lake City » Nashville » St. Louis—probably put Allison in a mood. But it was the ticket agent’s adherence to Southwest corporate lingo that really set Allison off.
There's a bathroom on the right
One of the charms of the twentieth century I miss most is arguing over song lyrics. Not the meaning of song lyrics—those arguments are eternal—but the actual lyrics themselves, the verbatim poetry of pop music. Back in the day, everyone had these arguments, I think. But since the World Wide Web was in its infancy and so few of us were online, we didn’t talk—not at scale, anyway—about the shared experience of misquoting the lyrics to our favorite songs. And unless we had access to a specialized music library, we didn’t have anywhere to go for authoritative answers to settle our pop music debates.
The Lyft driver's guide to divorce
Apropos of whatever thoughts are going through his head as we drive the streets of North Hollywood, the Lyft driver points to a restaurant called Lotus Vegan Thai. “You ever eat there?” the Lyft driver asks. I’ve eaten a lot of Thai food in my day, but I can’t recall if I’ve ever eaten at Lotus Vegan Thai.
The one with the Sultan of Oman and Bob Hope
Today is Father’s Day in the U.S., so I’m sharing a story about my father, Larry. Actually, this post contains two stories. A twofer! The first story is about a gig Larry did for the Sultan of Oman. The second story is about one of about a dozen USO shows Dad did with Bob Hope. Both stories are linked by a rare gift and a joke that took nearly a decade to payoff, which is why Dad loved to tell these stories together.
A little housekeeping…
There will be two more Situation Normal stories this year.
Next week, I’ll publish a post celebrating this year’s wins. I do this every year. It’s a lot fun, so I hope you’ll join me for that one.
On the last Sunday of the year, which also happens to be the last day of 2023, I’ll publish the First Annual Situation Normal Stakeholder Report. If you want to know more about the business of this funny business, you’ll have to subscribe.
Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Do you have any good business ideas? Share!
Is Diehard a Christmas movie? Bring your cold takes!
What would’ve happened if Odysseus had eaten an edible and flown Southwest?
You thought CCR was singing about a bathroom too, right?
Why is the Lyft driver still single?
Who had a better sense of humor: Bob Hope or the Sultan of Oman?
Can YOU ask ME a question?
Yes, please do! I love hearing from Situation Normal readers. Ask me (almost) anything, and I’ll answer your question in a future issue of Situation Normal.
Email me at michaelestrin@substack.com
Want more Michael Estrin stories? I’ve got two books!
Ride/Share: Micro Stories of Soul, Wit and Wisdom from the Backseat is a collection of my Lyft driver stories🚗🗣
Not Safe for Work is a slacker noir novel based on my experiences covering the adult entertainment industry💋🍑🍆🕵️♂️
The ebook versions of my books are priced between 99 cents and $2.99, so if you don’t have the budget for a Situation Normal subscription, buying an ebook is a great way to support my work. Bonus: you’ll laugh your butt off!
A picture of Mortimer…
I'm thrilled to have (minorly)chatted with you, Michael! You were among the first writers I subscribed to, and it's been amazing watching your creations come to life. Your decision to share your posts for free was truly appreciated, and your kindness in providing the archives has been immensely helpful. Thank you so much for everything! Each post has been not just hilarious but also incredibly exciting, making the journey even more delightful.
I haven't read it yet! It just landed here - but I am sooooooooooooooo incredibly grateful for your mentioning foreign rights and translators. I'm going to shout out (is that still a word, or am I hopelessly old-fashioned now?) your newsletter on the few social media things I do use. (Mastodon, LinkedIn, and Instagram) Thank you so much. Means a lot to me and my colleagues, the usually invisible language ninja's.