When I turned forty, I asked my doctor if it was time for a colonoscopy. I was nervous just asking the question, but that’s common. According to WebMD, a website that pretends to be a doctor to taunt the losers running Dentist.com, most people are “scared shitless” about colonoscopies. One study found that 56 percent of people who received a positive stool test for colorectal cancer failed to schedule a follow-up colonoscopy that
Don't fear your colonoscopy, friends. Propofol rules! I am an old woman ( very old) and I hadn't felt that f****g happy since 1969. They wouldn't give me a supply of it to take home with me, though, so I scheduled monthly procedures. I have had seven now. Well worth it.
I just had my colonoscopy on Friday. It went wrong, in quite a fun way: the sedate failed to completely knock me out (apparently it happens if you fight it enough, but I think maybe "fight" equated to "massive anxiety" in my case). So I lay there, calmly, as the cold touch of the camera plunged 'twixt the cheeks no aunt would ever kiss...
And - I watched the screen. I realised I was still awake, I felt calm and fine, and I just raised my eyes and watched the whole thing on the monitor. It was like the intro sequence to Doctor Who, an endless tunnel. I wanted to say "hey, this is fun, keep going! How far does it go? Could you keep going until it comes out of my nose?"
Fascinating experience. Also, apparently I don't have a tumor, so that's good too.
Thanks Mike! Glad to hear that you got a colonoscopy too and that you are tumor-free. I’m glad I didn’t fight it because I don’t think I would’ve liked waking up.
The first time I got drunk (I'm a goodie goodie who waited until 21) I realized it was just like waking up from anesthesia when I had my wisdom teeth out in my teens. I had an upper endoscopy years later and remember them writing "chatty" on my chart.
The really fun doctor to have a sense of humor is a urologist doing a vasectomy. My husband's was named "Dr. Northcutt" and he'd heard "should be Southcutt" so many times that he apparently decided to turn the whole procedure into a stand-up routine (or I guess sit-down, in his case). He kept the patter going throughout the procedure. It was surreal. At least he was also very good at his actual job (he's been in practice for decades).
All kidding aside (and yes, I started binge watching Schitt’s Creek before one of mine), colonoscopies can be life-savers. I speak from personal experience.
Yay! Go you! This is HUGE! As an oncologist, please accept my deepest thanks for sharing with your audience! Rates of CRC are increasing in younger age groups, so this is a key message that needs to get out there. It's much less painful than seeing me for cancer treatment, I promise you.
Thanks Stacy! Appreciate you weighing in here. I have a few friends who have been putting it off, and I’m working on them to, um, get their shit together.
It's a tough sell. There is a business owner where I live who rents a limo every year to take his female employees to get their mammograms and then for a nice lunch afterwards. I wonder if this could translate to colon cancer screening...Like maybe to Jamba Juice or something? I'm still workshopping the pitch.
Congrats on a successful colonoscopy experience. My experience last year was similar to yours, except I didn't have the benefit of music. It's wild how vulnerable one is under sedation. Do medical professionals marvel or laugh at your body parts? "Look, one nostril is bigger than the other." "What the f**k does that tattoo represent?" "You know guys are always wondering about their dick size, but this guy could not be happy about the size of these grapes, I mean, testicles." You wake and wonder why everyone is in such a good mood...and smiling at me.
But Michael, my concern and curiosity was not about comments made by medical professionals, but rather your hearing Meat Loaf singing "Fat Bottom Girls," the Queen song. Queen's "We Are the Champions" was my high school senior class anthem. I had to hear that song at every assembly and sporting event, even in the lunchroom. I am not a Queen fan, nor did I ever develop a taste for Meat Loaf (except the kind my mother made). I mention this only to let you know that despite my feelings for Queen and Meat Loaf, I wanted to help you make sense of the incident...Insanity or a reasonable explanation? So, I went to work. Google provided nothing, stringing together Meat Loaf and Queen, or "Meat Loaf" and "Fat Bottomed Girls" only provided information regarding the bands and actual meat. For the hell of it, I clicked on Spotalike.com because the heading read, "Songs similar to Bat Out of Hell, by Meat Loaf." Why did I click on it and then scroll down the list of songs? It was no surprise that when scrolling down about two-thirds of the list, came the song "Bat Out of Hell." "Bat Out of Hell" sounds very similar to the song "Bat Out of Hell," right? But after that song? Yes, against all odds and reason, the next song was "Fat Bottom Girls" by Queen (There are quite a few covers of that song, why?). The result? You are not insane! Someone in that room had Spotalikes's playlist playing, and you heard Meatloaf singing the last of "Bat Out of Hell" and then you heard the beginning of "Fat Bottomed Girls." In your drug-addled state, it's entirely possible that there was some overlap you presumed was real. I can see your hands folded in prayer and you are breathing a deep sigh of relief that there is a proper explanation. F**k that nurse that rolled her eyes, they can be so condescending. Glad I could help.
Everyday I thank my lucky stars that I am not working receiving at Cologuard.
I'm 48 and a veteran of 4 colonoscopies. My prep has been the magnesium citrate which is absolutely awful enough to make you consider rolling the dice on the Colon Cancer.
My friend just had one and got to drink Gatorade with miralax. I don't know if that's a new thing but it sounds quite civilized -- and he said it was very tolerable except for the part where you piss out your ass.
Anyways, get your colon scoped, gents. It's worth the discomfort -- not to mention the apple juice and snacks in recovery taste incredible.
Funny how the universe (or more likely, the algorithm) led me to your post. I’m 59 years old and my G.I. doc has been trying to get me to get a colonoscopy for years. My biggest trepidation is the propofol. Remember, that’s what killed Michael Jackson. I would hate to die during colonoscopy procedure, just think of the whispered stories for years to come! But seriously, your post does make me feel a little bit better about getting it. I’m in LA so I’m gonna try to go to the same facility!
I’ve had Propfol before. The first time was to set a broken leg. My first thought was, that’s how MJ died. But here’s the thing. MJ used it nightly and I don’t think it was administered by a doctor. But in a hospital it’s really no big deal.
All fraternities are into weird butt stuff? Then I'm extra glad I never rushed.
My colonoscopy was a trip. Afterward, I told Brent I was completely fine and would have a perfectly normal day. Then I went home, day on the couch, and stayed upright for about twenty seconds. Then I toppled over and slept for a straight six hours.
I didn’t do much when I got home after the colonoscopy. I think I napped for four hours and watched Cocktail for the 20th time. Clearly I was on drugs. 😁
Congrats on making it through! I’ve had 2. The first place made me drink the big gallon of medicine thing before but the second place had me take pills instead. Still had to drink a ton of water with them but this was better than the gallon of liquid medicine.
So if you can find a place that gives you the pills instead, laughs at your jokes instead of just saying that’s funny, and understands all your meatloaf references, then never leave them!
Don't fear your colonoscopy, friends. Propofol rules! I am an old woman ( very old) and I hadn't felt that f****g happy since 1969. They wouldn't give me a supply of it to take home with me, though, so I scheduled monthly procedures. I have had seven now. Well worth it.
It really is an amazing drug, isn’t it?
I live for the taste of tears of undergrads who failed organic chemistry. Never been more motivated to survive the next two years.
They offer you lemon flavoring, but I say skip it. Drink those tears straight up.
Enjoyed reading this, thank you!
I just had my colonoscopy on Friday. It went wrong, in quite a fun way: the sedate failed to completely knock me out (apparently it happens if you fight it enough, but I think maybe "fight" equated to "massive anxiety" in my case). So I lay there, calmly, as the cold touch of the camera plunged 'twixt the cheeks no aunt would ever kiss...
And - I watched the screen. I realised I was still awake, I felt calm and fine, and I just raised my eyes and watched the whole thing on the monitor. It was like the intro sequence to Doctor Who, an endless tunnel. I wanted to say "hey, this is fun, keep going! How far does it go? Could you keep going until it comes out of my nose?"
Fascinating experience. Also, apparently I don't have a tumor, so that's good too.
Thanks Mike! Glad to hear that you got a colonoscopy too and that you are tumor-free. I’m glad I didn’t fight it because I don’t think I would’ve liked waking up.
i've been getting colonoscopys twice a year since I was 21 so this was all old news to me but if you're new to the game plz read Michael's review
The first time I got drunk (I'm a goodie goodie who waited until 21) I realized it was just like waking up from anesthesia when I had my wisdom teeth out in my teens. I had an upper endoscopy years later and remember them writing "chatty" on my chart.
The really fun doctor to have a sense of humor is a urologist doing a vasectomy. My husband's was named "Dr. Northcutt" and he'd heard "should be Southcutt" so many times that he apparently decided to turn the whole procedure into a stand-up routine (or I guess sit-down, in his case). He kept the patter going throughout the procedure. It was surreal. At least he was also very good at his actual job (he's been in practice for decades).
Your husband’s doctor has a great name for his speciality!
All kidding aside (and yes, I started binge watching Schitt’s Creek before one of mine), colonoscopies can be life-savers. I speak from personal experience.
Schitt’s Creek was an inspired choice!
Rao’s is worth it... for now! Someone told me they got bought by Campbell’s so it’s only a matter of time before it tastes like Spaghetti Os.
So you’re saying I should stock up on Rao’s while it lasts?
You should buy it at Costco. Two insane jars for, like, a buck more than one regular jar at the supermarket. Extra sauce freezes well.
In Britain the NHS policy is to do colonoscopies only where there's an indication. basically a test for abnormal cells or blood in a stool sample.
The procedure is usually done with gas and air or light sedation.
Interesting how differently the standards work out.
Thanks for sharing that perspective!
Yay! Go you! This is HUGE! As an oncologist, please accept my deepest thanks for sharing with your audience! Rates of CRC are increasing in younger age groups, so this is a key message that needs to get out there. It's much less painful than seeing me for cancer treatment, I promise you.
Thanks Stacy! Appreciate you weighing in here. I have a few friends who have been putting it off, and I’m working on them to, um, get their shit together.
It's a tough sell. There is a business owner where I live who rents a limo every year to take his female employees to get their mammograms and then for a nice lunch afterwards. I wonder if this could translate to colon cancer screening...Like maybe to Jamba Juice or something? I'm still workshopping the pitch.
I did it anyway, but a Jamba Juice would’ve been a nice touch.
Congrats on a successful colonoscopy experience. My experience last year was similar to yours, except I didn't have the benefit of music. It's wild how vulnerable one is under sedation. Do medical professionals marvel or laugh at your body parts? "Look, one nostril is bigger than the other." "What the f**k does that tattoo represent?" "You know guys are always wondering about their dick size, but this guy could not be happy about the size of these grapes, I mean, testicles." You wake and wonder why everyone is in such a good mood...and smiling at me.
But Michael, my concern and curiosity was not about comments made by medical professionals, but rather your hearing Meat Loaf singing "Fat Bottom Girls," the Queen song. Queen's "We Are the Champions" was my high school senior class anthem. I had to hear that song at every assembly and sporting event, even in the lunchroom. I am not a Queen fan, nor did I ever develop a taste for Meat Loaf (except the kind my mother made). I mention this only to let you know that despite my feelings for Queen and Meat Loaf, I wanted to help you make sense of the incident...Insanity or a reasonable explanation? So, I went to work. Google provided nothing, stringing together Meat Loaf and Queen, or "Meat Loaf" and "Fat Bottomed Girls" only provided information regarding the bands and actual meat. For the hell of it, I clicked on Spotalike.com because the heading read, "Songs similar to Bat Out of Hell, by Meat Loaf." Why did I click on it and then scroll down the list of songs? It was no surprise that when scrolling down about two-thirds of the list, came the song "Bat Out of Hell." "Bat Out of Hell" sounds very similar to the song "Bat Out of Hell," right? But after that song? Yes, against all odds and reason, the next song was "Fat Bottom Girls" by Queen (There are quite a few covers of that song, why?). The result? You are not insane! Someone in that room had Spotalikes's playlist playing, and you heard Meatloaf singing the last of "Bat Out of Hell" and then you heard the beginning of "Fat Bottomed Girls." In your drug-addled state, it's entirely possible that there was some overlap you presumed was real. I can see your hands folded in prayer and you are breathing a deep sigh of relief that there is a proper explanation. F**k that nurse that rolled her eyes, they can be so condescending. Glad I could help.
Thank you for going deep on the music question, Bob! I really appreciate it.
Everyday I thank my lucky stars that I am not working receiving at Cologuard.
I'm 48 and a veteran of 4 colonoscopies. My prep has been the magnesium citrate which is absolutely awful enough to make you consider rolling the dice on the Colon Cancer.
My friend just had one and got to drink Gatorade with miralax. I don't know if that's a new thing but it sounds quite civilized -- and he said it was very tolerable except for the part where you piss out your ass.
Anyways, get your colon scoped, gents. It's worth the discomfort -- not to mention the apple juice and snacks in recovery taste incredible.
You got apple juice and snacks in recovery? I got nothing. Maybe I should’ve paid extra on that copay.
Funny how the universe (or more likely, the algorithm) led me to your post. I’m 59 years old and my G.I. doc has been trying to get me to get a colonoscopy for years. My biggest trepidation is the propofol. Remember, that’s what killed Michael Jackson. I would hate to die during colonoscopy procedure, just think of the whispered stories for years to come! But seriously, your post does make me feel a little bit better about getting it. I’m in LA so I’m gonna try to go to the same facility!
I’ve had Propfol before. The first time was to set a broken leg. My first thought was, that’s how MJ died. But here’s the thing. MJ used it nightly and I don’t think it was administered by a doctor. But in a hospital it’s really no big deal.
I was scared enough of the propofol when I had my first colonoscopy to insist that no sedation be used. Don’t do that. Propofol is better.
Also, there’s a prep called “golightly” that should be sued by Truman Capote’s estate.
yeah it occurred to me that I could just opt to be awake; but given the circumstances, I'll take my chances with the anesthesia. Thanks!
thanks for saying that!
Do it! I know a lot more people who died of colon cancer than propofol 😔
good point!
All fraternities are into weird butt stuff? Then I'm extra glad I never rushed.
My colonoscopy was a trip. Afterward, I told Brent I was completely fine and would have a perfectly normal day. Then I went home, day on the couch, and stayed upright for about twenty seconds. Then I toppled over and slept for a straight six hours.
I didn’t do much when I got home after the colonoscopy. I think I napped for four hours and watched Cocktail for the 20th time. Clearly I was on drugs. 😁
Or did you go home and watch Weird Fraternity Butt Stuff but you just don't remember it?
Entirely possible!
😳😳🤯🤯😆😆
Indelicate, perhaps. That's half the fun of your piece. So, so well-written. And here in Boise the prep ain't so bad anymore. Just get it done, folks.
The storytelling... also 10 out of 10. Good job!!
Thank you, Teri!
Hysterical! And there's no doubt that the prep is ten times worse than the actual "event."
Thanks Jim!
Congrats on making it through! I’ve had 2. The first place made me drink the big gallon of medicine thing before but the second place had me take pills instead. Still had to drink a ton of water with them but this was better than the gallon of liquid medicine.
So if you can find a place that gives you the pills instead, laughs at your jokes instead of just saying that’s funny, and understands all your meatloaf references, then never leave them!
Also, Rao’s really is better.
Thanks Julie! And another vote for Rao’s! I gotta try this stuff.