I ate a burrito from the middle

for journalism

Mitch Hedberg once said, “a burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.” I’ve always eaten my ground beef sleeping bags the same way — vertically, starting at the top, working my way to the bottom. But then I saw a man eat a burrito from the middle, and it shook me to my core. Was the horizontal method even feasible? Was it superior? Was this man a fool, or a visionary on the verge of disrupting ground beef sleeping bags? I simply had to know.

I began my investigation by consulting legacy media outlets like CNN and The LA Times. Would they cover this important story? Would they hire me to report it? I sent them my clips, adding that I’d both won, and lost, several semi-prestigious journalism awards. They were intrigued, but as we got down to brass tacks, I realized legacy outlets are going tits up, and therefore don’t have money to burn on burrito coverage.

So, I turned to digital media, but the podcasts and newsletters I found were too busy celebrating the demise of legacy media to be of much help. Also, a disturbing number of them were burrito-deniers.

Desperate for answers, I turned to Perplexity AI. I know asking artificial intelligence about burritos sounds ridiculous, but eating a burrito from the middle also sounds ridiculous, so I figured that would sort of balance things out. Here’s what the AI told me:

At first, this answer seemed credible. Then I remembered this was the internet, where everything looks credible, but few sources actually are. So I asked the AI if it had ever eaten a burrito? It was a classic gotcha question, and I got that AI to admit that it had never eaten a burrito.

I was feeling good about my triumph over a machine, but I was still curious. Was the middle method really a thing? I did not know. Could I find the answers with some original reporting? Absolutely. How much would it cost? Twenty bucks for a burrito, beverage, tax, and tip.

Suddenly, it was all very clear to me. I could ask the Situation Normal community to fund this story. We’d get to the bottom middle of the burrito question, but we’d also be part of an exciting new business model for journalism that blends crowd-funding, investigative reporting, and nonsense.

As it turned out, several situation normies were just as enthusiastic as me. Hundreds of dollars flowed in, along with messages like, “follow the beans, Woodward,” and “when the going gets weird, the weird go get burritos.”

Burrito #1 — Mexcla food truck

I ordered an al pastor burrito from the truck’s window, then I told the man behind the counter about my plan to eat the burrito from the middle. He shot me a dirty look, then told me it would be a good idea if I took my order to go.

Back at home, I was ready to sink my teeth into this story. I unwrapped the burrito, opened the camera app on my phone, and took a bite smack-dab in the middle of that burrito. Right away, I realized two things. First, the al pastor from the Mexcla food truck was a little on the spicy side. Second, I was in serious trouble because as soon as I put the burrito down to take a picture it began to unravel. I had broken the first rule of burrito-eating: dos manos.

Burrito #2 — Cactus Taquerias #3

This time around, I knew I’d needed a photographer. Thankfully, I had the budget, so I called my friend Todd and made him an offer he had every right to refuse. But when I told Todd what I was working on, he didn’t refuse. He said it was a silly idea, and then he said yes.

Once again, I ordered the al pastor burrito. But this time I was more confident for two reasons. First, I am a regular at Cactus Taquerias #3, and therefore I know that their al pastor is on point. Second, I’d have both hands free to manage the impending burrito calamity.

My second attempt didn’t end in disaster, but it wasn’t a resounding success either. As I worked my way from the middle out, I realized that I was eating the burrito like it was corn on the cob. Instead of slicing it in two, I basically ate the top half, creating a burrito convertible. I managed to maintain burrito integrity, but Todd was too busy managing his own burrito to get a photo.

Burrito #3 — Chipotle

Usually, I’m a bowl guy at Chipotle, as I find their burritos to be unwieldy. But I was on assignment, so I ordered a burrito with their limited edition smoked brisket. I also told the guy behind the counter to role my burrito tight since I was “going in horizontal.” He asked me if this was for TikTok. I replied it was for journalism. A very awkward silence ensued, but at the register he said, “I hope you go viral, dude.” From the burrito roller’s lips to the internet god’s ears, I thought.

As it turned out, the Chipotle burrito held together better than I thought it would. Also, the limited edition smoked brisket was fire, so if anyone at Chipotle is reading this, please make it a regular menu item. But just like with the cactus burrito, this one ended up in convertible mode too.

Burrito #4 — Sharky’s

I was beginning to think that the horizontal method, while feasible, had its limits. I could make a burrito convertible, but I knew I couldn’t cut that sucker in two, without compromising the structural integrity. This was discouraging, but that’s often the case in journalism. You work hard to get to the bottom middle of a story, but there aren’t always clear answers. Also, sometimes what you find makes people so angry that they (rhetorically) shoot the messenger in the comments section. As a seasoned journalist, I knew I needed to cover my ass, so I went to Sharky’s for one last burrito. But as it turned out, those Sharky motherfuckers saw me coming a mile away.

“You cut the burrito in half,” I said to the server. “I was going to eat it from the middle, but now I can’t do that.”

The server gasped. She looked horrified.

“Why would you do something like that?” she asked.

A line from Jerry Reed’s classic song East Bound and Down popped into my head: “We’re gonna do what they say can’t be done.” That sounded good, but when I said those words to the server, she pointed out that she wasn’t Smokey and I was a far cry from the Bandit. She was right, of course. That movie was about beer, and this was a burrito story. I needed to get my shit together. I was a professional for fucks sake.

“You shouldn’t do that,” she said. “You’ll make a mess.”

Then, as if looking at a burrito neophyte, she pantomimed the vertical method.

“That’s the only way to eat a burrito,” she said, before shaking her head in disgust and walking away.

That wasn’t the answer I had hoped for, but it was an answer. And as I ate the Sharky’s burrito using the traditional, vertical method I realized something. Just because you can (sort of, but not really) do something, doesn’t mean you should do it. I’m a vertical burrito man for life. It’s just easier that way.

Shout out time!

Big vertical burrito shout out to

Elizabeth Oldham (she/her)

! Thank you for upgrading your Situation Normal subscription, Elizabeth!

Also, thank you again to the situation normies who funded burrito journalism. I could’ve done this without the support of Kevin Davis, Steve Huntley,

Bill Southern

, Liz Madans, an anonymous subscriber with a Verizon email address, and J Bowen Bres, but it would’ve been a lot less fun.

If you’d like to support Situation Normal, please consider upgrading your subscription.

Stick around and chat

I ask, you answer. Or, in keeping with the finest journalistic tradition, you can shoot the messenger in the comments.

1. What’s in your burrito? Dish!

2. Are you daring enough to take the horizontal burrito challenge? Say yes.

3. The AI answer wasn’t half-bad, but was it half-good? Explain.

4. If Wolf Blitzer wolfs down a burrito horizontal-style live on The Situation Room, will that save CNN? Go deep on this one.

5. What’s with all the burrito-deniers thriving in digital media? Wrong answers preferred.

Scheduling note

I’m off next Sunday because it’s Thanksgiving in the U.S. I’m sure I’ll have a story to share from the holiday, but at this point I’m not sure what that story will be.