I asked 4 friends if middle age is right for them

Hello & welcome to Situation Normal! Last Sunday, I shared my middle-age angst with you. Mine is ennui-flavored. This week, I’ve got a very special follow-up. While working on my essay, I sent a questionnaire to a few dozen friends, asking how they felt about middle age. Four of my friends responded, and their answers were so good that I’m sharing their answers with you.

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Gina Ippolito

What does middle age mean to you? Is it a specific age range, a lifestyle, a vibe, a blessing, a curse, an inevitability, what?

Middle age is 50-55, because I am definitely gonna live until around 110. Science will get us part of the way there, and Italian stubbornness will take me the rest of the way. There are definitely young middle aged people (which means people who are scientifically 20-years-old, but act 50, or people who are 80 and act 50).

Do you consider yourself to be middle aged? Why or why not?

I am not yet middle aged. Again, see previous answer re: how long I intend to live.

Is middle age right for you? Or, put another way, how do you feel about middle age? Good? Bad? Ugly? Is it exciting? Dull? Something you try not to think about? Something you’re proud of? Something you dread? Something you REALLY don’t want to talk about because it’s triggering as fuck? Something you’ve aspired to be ever since you were young?

Middle age is gonna be rad. Do middle aged people still use the term rad? Whatever. This one will! Each decade has been more fun than the last, I can only assume because the closer you get to the sweet release of death, the more you release you want that sweet release of life. Also because every decade, you can break another law. You can drive when you turn 17 (in New Jersey) whereas the year before, it was illegal. You can vote when you're 18, drink when you're 21, run for President at 35. I have often said that they should keep making more things legal as you age. I think if you make it to 100, you should be able to murder anyone that you can overpower with your bare hands. I'm looking forward to my many attempted murders.

Think back to when you were in your twenties. What did you think it meant to be middle-aged back then? Based on where you are now in your life, was 20-something you right on the money, or totally off base?

I think when I was in my 20s, they were making a lot of movies and shows about cougars—middle-aged women boning men in their 20s. So I assume I will be drinking large quantities of wine in my fabulous abode while boning 27-year-olds. Also, in this scenario, I am Courtney Cox. I am remarkably close to attaining all of these goals.

When she isn’t on strike, Gina Ippolito writes very funny television shows. You can follow her on Twitter, or Instagram, but don’t follow her in real life because she wasn’t kidding about getting old and murdering people.

Mia Toretto

What does middle age mean to you? Is it a specific age range, a lifestyle, a vibe, a blessing, a curse, an inevitability, what?

I feel like “middle age” is a capitalist myth. Something foisted upon us. We’re told that it’s a turning point we can’t come back from, but a turning point signifying what? That we have fewer years ahead of us than behind us? That things will be worse from here on out? That we are worth less than we were before? The lens that I use to look at life is one of gratitude, optimism and love so why would I change my lens to something so defeatist? I don’t see the point. None of us knows what the future will bring (and we never did).

Do you consider yourself to be middle aged? Why or why not?

I honestly don’t think about being “middle aged” unless someone else brings it up but I suppose that the general consensus would be that if I'm not there already (at 42), I'm approaching middle age?

Is middle age right for you? Or, put another way, how do you feel about middle age? Good? Bad? Ugly? Is it exciting? Dull? Something you try not to think about? Something you’re proud of? Something you dread? Something you REALLY don’t want to talk about because it’s triggering as fuck? Something you’ve aspired to be ever since you were young?

A friend who is a year older than me recently said: “We’re old!” and when I balked, she said: “Wait... you don’t consider yourself old?!” First, OUCH. Second, “old” feels very different from “middle age.” But at this point in my life, I’m very sensitive to being ascribed either term because I would still love to have the opportunity to have a baby and both of those terms feel (and we’re told are) antithetical to that goal and that’s not something my heart is ready to accept. 

“Getting older” or “aging” is something very different. Having lost a lot of people throughout my life, every year that I’m given feels like a gift and something I'm privileged and grateful to experience. The perpetual question for me is how can I put myself in the best possible position to have more options than less moving forward and a lot of that comes down to my mental and physical health. As my Great Auntie Alice (who lived until two months shy of 103) used to say: “When you’re healthy, you’re wealthy” and I guess that’s my primary focus.

Think back to when you were in your twenties. What did you think it meant to be middle-aged back then? Based on where you are now in your life, was 20-something you right on the money, or totally off base?

I think when I thought about “middle age” when I was in my twenties, I thought about my Mom and what her life was like in her forties and fifties. I actually remember attending my Mom's 40th birthday party when I was five (mostly because a drunk party goer - okay the host - dove into the shallow end of the pool and cracked his head open and they had to call an ambulance...he was and is fine but it was a LOT for a five year old to handle) and the party theme was “Over the Hill” (which I guess we don’t say any more?). I remember seeing signs, napkins, coasters, mugs all with “Over the Hill” written on them and thinking it meant my Mom was now “old” and that was somehow very sad. But now being 42, I don’t find it sad at all. I think it’s wonderful. I'm so grateful for the experiences I’ve had and the love that I’ve shared. I'm lucky beyond belief.

I think now, the time when I feel the culmination of the years I’ve lived is when I talk to a young person in their late teens or early twenties and always find myself thinking: “Wow, I remember being your age and thinking I was such an adult but now I know that you have so much left to do and learn and so many ways to grow.” I’m sure, as I get older, I’ll look back at myself now and think the same thing. : )

Mia Toretto is an alias they chose to protect their privacy. It’s also a kickass Fast & Furious reference, hence the GIF.

Phil Metzler

What does middle age mean to you? Is it a specific age range, a lifestyle, a vibe, a blessing, a curse, an inevitability, what?

To me, middle age means the point where resignation sets in. Not stagnation, per se, but an acceptance that playtime is over and it’s time settle down. Maybe that means focusing on raising a family, preparing a little more seriously for the future (financially, legally, etc.), committing to a career, providing for loved ones. Of course, any of these things can happen at any age; twenty-seven year-olds aren’t middle aged just because they’ve bought what they think is their forever house and plan on being an accountant for the rest of their lives... But middle age means a confluence of several different factors that seem to happen in your forties and fifties.

Do you consider yourself to be middle aged? Why or why not?

Yep. My petrifying fear of falling in the shower tells me I am. That and the aches and pains that weren’t there five years ago. The meds that I wasn't taking two years ago. Becoming exhausted by playing tag with my five-year-old son for five minutes. My reluctance to driving any more than three miles away from home for any reason. Also, the resignation... The resignation that I won’t be that rock star that I wanted to be until my 40s set in.

Is middle age right for you? Or, put another way, how do you feel about middle age? Good? Bad? Ugly? Is it exciting? Dull? Something you try not to think about? Something you’re proud of? Something you dread? Something you REALLY don’t want to talk about because it’s triggering as fuck? Something you’ve aspired to be ever since you were young?

I have an okay relationship with middle age. Having a kid really reprioritizes what things are important and how my actions reverberate through others’ lives now. I mean, it certainly changed when I got married, but my choices have exponentially more weight now.

My 20s and 30s were the best years of my life, but my 40s are rewarding in a different (if not a little less exciting) way. More and more I think that I’m probably more than halfway through with my life and it’s a bit anxiety-inducing. I feel like the past 46 years were a bit of a blur, so I can’t help but expect that for the next 46 (or so), and I can’t imagine being ready for the end when it comes. The overriding impetus for my anxiety about middle age is that I want to spend as much time with my wife and son as I can and, anytime I’m faced with my own mortality, I can’t help but think that I don’t want to be cheated out of that time.

Think back to when you were in your twenties. What did you think it meant to be middle-aged back then? Based on where you are now in your life, was 20-something you right on the money, or totally off base?

I had high aspirations in my 20s, so I thought my 40s were going to be just a chapter steeped in satisfying work and reaping the rewards of a solid foundation of effort that I put into the music career I took so much care to chisel out for decades. I wasn’t dreading it then, or even in the years leading up to middle age, but now that I’m here it’s a little less technicolor than I thought it would be, sprinkled with a tinge of disappointment.

Phil Metzler is a husband and father who his shit together, but he still makes really good music. Check Phil’s latest album “Solo Piano: Los Angeles” here.

Meryl Branch-McTiernan

What does middle age mean to you? Is it a specific age range, a lifestyle, a vibe, a blessing, a curse, an inevitability, what?

I do think of it as a lifestyle more than an age range. The lifestyle is about talking about fixing up your house, managing the castle you’ve already built. If you have kids, organizing the troops. There’s a sense that you’ve gotten where you’re going and now you’re trying to optimize it. It’s about talking about your health, maybe some aches and pains. Talking about maybe a wild youth, you no longer connect with. “Remember when I used to go out and suck down a bunch of beers. Now I just want my Netflix remote.”

However, there is a technical meaning—the middle years. The only thing that got me through my 40th birthday was knowing that I’m going to live until I’m 100, so I’m not yet at the midpoint.

Do you consider yourself to be middle aged? Why or why not?

GOD, NO! My lifestyle is nothing like what I described above. Last Saturday, I woke up on the couch after a 24th birthday party where I took my tits out and started making Espresso Martinis with cold brew and vodka, because the host didn’t buy mixers! (Maybe I am Middle Aged, since I know that you’re supposed to buy mixers and solo cups if you’re having a party, but I knew that at quarter life.)

While I’ve been working on my craft for a long fucking time, I am still at the beginning of reaping the benefits from the work I’ve put in. I’m still at the beginning of my writing career, though I’ve been writing seriously for 20 years.

I have no interest in home improvements or property buying. I still get furniture off the street. On the rare occasion that I buy furniture that you have to put together yourself, I hire a Task Rabbit to put it together for me.

I’ve never been engaged or married. When I hear about friends having kids, I still think they’re too young for that, rather than almost too old!

Is middle age right for you? Or, put another way, how do you feel about middle age? Good? Bad? Ugly? Is it exciting? Dull? Something you try not to think about? Something you’re proud of? Something you dread? Something you REALLY don’t want to talk about because it’s triggering as fuck? Something you’ve aspired to be ever since you were young?

Triggering as fuck. My 39th and 40th year have been extremely exciting from a career perspective, while it’s also made me feel very disconnected from other people who are living more “traditional” middle aged lifestyles, who are the same age as I am.

Think back to when you were in your twenties. What did you think it meant to be middle-aged back then? Based on where you are now in your life, was 20-something you right on the money, or totally off base?

Old. Boring. Settled. Tired. Achy.

I am glad that I don’t feel any of those things, however I thought I'd be more settled. Guess you can’t have it all!

Meryl Branch-McTiernan’s first film is “Katie’s Mom,” a horny reimagining of “The Graduate” from a female perspective. “Katie’s Mom” will premiere this summer at the Dances with Films festival. You can keep tabs on the movie here, and keep tabs on Meryl’s shenanigans here.

Stick around and chat!

Now, it’s your turn to answer the questions I asked my friends.

1. What does middle age mean to you? Is it a specific age range, a lifestyle, a vibe, a blessing, a curse, an inevitability, what?

2. Do you consider yourself to be middle aged? Why or why not?

3. Is middle age right for you? Or, put another way, how do you feel about middle age? Good? Bad? Ugly? Is it exciting? Dull? Something you try not to think about? Something you’re proud of? Something you dread? Something you REALLY don’t want to talk about because it’s triggering as fuck? Something you’ve aspired to be ever since you were young?

4. Think back to when you were in your twenties. What did you think it meant to be middle-aged back then? Based on where you are now in your life, was 20-something you right on the money, or totally off base?

One more thing before you go….