Hello & welcome to Situation Normal! Last Sunday, I shared my middle-age angst with you. Mine is ennui-flavored. This week, I’ve got a very special follow-up. While working on my essay, I sent a questionnaire to a few dozen friends, asking how they felt about middle age. Four of my friends responded, and their answers were so good that I’m sharing their answers with you.
1) Definitely just an age, and we make it what it is. As a woman, I feel most like myself in middle age, and it just keeps getting better. To me, the blessing of getting older is that you know some things and have a longer perspective and wisdom.
2) Definitely middle aged at 53. Actually, i’m 51. Middle aged is forgetting how old you are. 😂
3) I’m glad to be here. Middle age is exciting to me because I know myself so much better now and have the confidence to just be who I want to be while giving zero fucks about what anyone else thinks about that. I was not like this in my 20s or 30s. If you can find your way past the age-ism and connect with people who value your life experience and wisdom... 👌.
Jen, this is so right on the money. My sense of self has really improved from what it was in my 20s and 30s. I think there's something to the zero fucks thing. I like saying zero fucks a lot, but really I think it's prioritizing your fucks because there's a finite amount of fucks to give and as I get older I'm just a lot more thoughtful about where and when to spend my fucks. Also, responding to this comment was too much fucking fun. Thank you, Jen!
1. Middle age makes me think of knights and peasants and Crusades. Oh, the other middle age! It’s a construct. We each give it meaning or not. I gave it very little meaning.
2. Middle age is far enough back in my rear view mirror that I can remember it without wanting to revisit it.
3. Middle age was right for me! I learned more in my late forties and fifties than in any other era and found use and purpose beyond anything I’d dreamed of in youth.
4. In my twenties I didn’t expect to live until middle age, so I was wrong. Twenties was a time of bad decisions and fun. I made one good decision during that entire decade, and we’re still married.
This was the correct answer: "Middle age makes me think of knights and peasants and Crusades. Oh, the other middle age! It’s a construct. We each give it meaning or not. I gave it very little meaning." Also, I'm glad you made one good decision in your 20s. Turns out, making one good decision is all it takes, right?
I loved this issue and the variety of responses. And in particular Ms. Ippolito’s proposal that more things should be legal as you age.
It also helped me define what middle age means to me. Having spent my early adulthood exploring a lot of options and paths, it’s time to FOCUS--with real confidence--on the options that are most meaningful and satisfying.
Loving this series! In my 20s I absolutely thought that middle age meant dull, boring and over-the-hill. Now I'm turning 50, I realise it's more that your values change and the things that I loved in my 20s (such as big nights out drinking) now seem very unrewarding. I'm more interested in deep conversation, books, yoga, nature - I imagine a 20-something-year-old would definitely look at me as dull, boring and over-the-hill but the most liberating thing is that I truely don't care anymore whether people think I'm 'cool' or not 😀
I'm so glad this week's post and last week's essay spoke to you! It's so interesting what you say about what we value when we're in our 20s versus now. When I think about my priorities then, I have zero interest in doing those things, and I'm pretty sure that if I had asked 20-something me, he would've thought 40-something Michael was really boring.
I have a hard time with numbers. Hate math. It made me cry in school. Maybe that's why I focus on the energy people give me and not their time on earth.
I once interviewed an iconic LA photographer at his birthday party. The room became electric upon his entrance. He talked about his future projects with the excitment of a five-year-old, while celebrating his 95th year.
I have a lot of musician friends I support. I'm usually the first one on the dance floor with my friend Judy. We met this way, dancing to our friends' music. She's become a good friend for about eight years now. The other day we had a long phone conversation about some of our crazy life adventures, which she interrupted with, "Well, I am eighty-four years old." Until then, I never thought about her age. I paused to ponder this new info. That large number didn't connect to her radiant energy.
I don't give a shit about numbers.
One year, my Aunt asked my age in front of my mom. I had to stop and think. "Forty-seven?" My mom corrected me. "Forty-five." I didn't think about it. I forgot.
I'm not trying to cause trouble--just giving you the perspective of someone who doesn't deal in numbers... which might explain my sad bank account.
Michele, I love this comment, especially the part about the photographer celebrating their 95th with the joy of a child. That's what I'm aiming for. The numbers are, well, I'm not a numbers fan either, but that attitude is everything. Thank you for sharing this, Michele!
I returned from visiting my nearly 80-year-old mom. She wore me out. I was still groggy from waking up when she blurted, "Let's go to the farmer's market." She walks so fast I had to run to keep up.
Wow, I'm feeling slightly insecure around the breeziness of many of the replies here. For me, my midlife crisis has been real, visceral and pretty confronting.
1. The onset of middle age is a rite of passage between the first half of life and the second half of life. It is a transition between understanding how things work *generally* to understanding how things work *specifically*. The first half of life is (often) about figuring out the rules and following prescriptions and then it one day dawns on you that everything is made up and the points don't matter. That's middle age right there.
2. I feel like I'm straddling the middle. I think the midlife crisis is not actually a part of being middle aged - it's the immediate precursor.
3. In my 20s I thought that I could have it all... and not just that I *could* have it all, but I *would* have it all. That extends not just to the accumulation of stuff and the achievements and all of the basic stuff, but also to the shitty parts of my personality - as well as having a BMW and a 6 pack I would also be wise and compassionate and funny and intelligent. Now, at 42 I realise that, in large part, I am who I am and that includes the things that I prefer about myself and the things I'm not so keen on. It's not that I couldn't change, just the evidence points towards the contrary.
Basically no-one I've met has ever really changed in any meaningful way, so why would I be any different? This has been a crashing realisation for me, and the most challenging one.
But with all that said, while the transition as been rough, I'm actually optimistic about middle age.
5. What did I think about 40 and 50 year olds in my 20s? Nothing. They were the invisible decades from my perspective as a 25 year old.
Then there's the 20-40-60 rule (per Shirley MacLaine): At 20, you care what everyone is thinking about you. At 40, you don’t give a damn what people are thinking about you. At 60, you realize no one is thinking about you.
As someone in their twenties I'm actually somewhat looking forward to the middle ages. I'm an old soul, never really been a party goer or a social animal. I feel like people don't judge 40 and 50 year olds for being less social. Where as I feel judged as a 23 year old for not being a party animal.
May 28, 2023·edited May 28, 2023Liked by Michael Estrin
Sometimes I have to use my phone calculator to double-check that I got my age right. No, it's not dementia, it's just the speed of time. My 40s sort of tripped me up with various tough life events, and I spent a lot of the time in fight or flight mode. Bonus/reward? I grew a lot as a person, and echoing what others have said here: I'm more comfortable being me now. That is, when the lower back pain and other body parts don't scream for attention!
Really enjoyed this one. Oddly, I feel middle-age at 34. Sure, I’m technically not halfway between being born and my projected length of life. But how much life is there really after 70?
Since I’ve done a little Amis retrospective over the past week, I’ll share a quote here which illustrates the point in a beautiful abstract way:
“Yeah, non-smokers live seven years longer. Which seven will be subtracted by the god called Time? It won't be that convulsive, heart-bursting spell between twenty-eight and thirty-five. No. It'll be that really cool bit between eighty-six and ninety-three.”
Thanks for this comment, Christian! I hope there's a lot of life after 70. But honestly, I don't think I thought much about life after 70 when I was in my 30s and definitely not when i was in my 20s. That said, as I get older, one thing I've thought a lot about is how I want my life to be when I'm 70. I can't control a lot of stuff, but I can put myself in a position to be the 70-something I want to be. Let me make that concrete. I enjoy doing yoga. I've done it irregularly for about a decade, but I've made it a regular practice in the past year. My goal used to be the immediate benefits of yoga, but now I often find myself showing up for my practice because I know that if I want to do yoga at 70, I better do it at 45.
As a member of Generation X I am part of the literal "middle age," and hence we have always been middle aged and at the same time will never be middle aged.
One day you're telling the elliptical you're 49. The next day, oh boy...
As a data scientist I know that medians are usually more important than means, especially when it comes to human perception. I play tournament bridge, so my median (middle) age is in the early 80's, even though many of them won't hit 160. It's all about expectation, which is funny since, technically, statisticians use expectation to describe the mean/average not the median.
I’m 45 and I have no idea if I’m middle aged because I don’t know when I’m gonna kick the bucket. But the more I think about it, the less I want to think about it, which probably means I’m middle aged lol
The literal, chronological middle is a trap. If you look at the actuarial tables, we passed the middle a few years back. But if you believe all the life-extended stuff coming out of the tech world, we're mere babies who will live for centuries.
It was good to read different perspectives! I consider myself middle aged and I love it. It feels great because I think all my life I’ve had a feeling of not bringing myself to fruition, in a very, i am not yet who I actually am sense. I’m more myself now than I ever have been, if that makes sense.
Priya, thank you for sharing this! What you wrote about being more yourself now than ever totally makes sense. With each new decade, I find that I better understand myself and I'm more comfortable with who I am.
1) Definitely just an age, and we make it what it is. As a woman, I feel most like myself in middle age, and it just keeps getting better. To me, the blessing of getting older is that you know some things and have a longer perspective and wisdom.
2) Definitely middle aged at 53. Actually, i’m 51. Middle aged is forgetting how old you are. 😂
3) I’m glad to be here. Middle age is exciting to me because I know myself so much better now and have the confidence to just be who I want to be while giving zero fucks about what anyone else thinks about that. I was not like this in my 20s or 30s. If you can find your way past the age-ism and connect with people who value your life experience and wisdom... 👌.
Jen, this is so right on the money. My sense of self has really improved from what it was in my 20s and 30s. I think there's something to the zero fucks thing. I like saying zero fucks a lot, but really I think it's prioritizing your fucks because there's a finite amount of fucks to give and as I get older I'm just a lot more thoughtful about where and when to spend my fucks. Also, responding to this comment was too much fucking fun. Thank you, Jen!
At 68, I’m a voice from the other side.
1. Middle age makes me think of knights and peasants and Crusades. Oh, the other middle age! It’s a construct. We each give it meaning or not. I gave it very little meaning.
2. Middle age is far enough back in my rear view mirror that I can remember it without wanting to revisit it.
3. Middle age was right for me! I learned more in my late forties and fifties than in any other era and found use and purpose beyond anything I’d dreamed of in youth.
4. In my twenties I didn’t expect to live until middle age, so I was wrong. Twenties was a time of bad decisions and fun. I made one good decision during that entire decade, and we’re still married.
This was the correct answer: "Middle age makes me think of knights and peasants and Crusades. Oh, the other middle age! It’s a construct. We each give it meaning or not. I gave it very little meaning." Also, I'm glad you made one good decision in your 20s. Turns out, making one good decision is all it takes, right?
In this case, yes indeed.
I loved this issue and the variety of responses. And in particular Ms. Ippolito’s proposal that more things should be legal as you age.
It also helped me define what middle age means to me. Having spent my early adulthood exploring a lot of options and paths, it’s time to FOCUS--with real confidence--on the options that are most meaningful and satisfying.
Gina has some interesting ideas that might just win her the nomination of either party.
Loving this series! In my 20s I absolutely thought that middle age meant dull, boring and over-the-hill. Now I'm turning 50, I realise it's more that your values change and the things that I loved in my 20s (such as big nights out drinking) now seem very unrewarding. I'm more interested in deep conversation, books, yoga, nature - I imagine a 20-something-year-old would definitely look at me as dull, boring and over-the-hill but the most liberating thing is that I truely don't care anymore whether people think I'm 'cool' or not 😀
I'm so glad this week's post and last week's essay spoke to you! It's so interesting what you say about what we value when we're in our 20s versus now. When I think about my priorities then, I have zero interest in doing those things, and I'm pretty sure that if I had asked 20-something me, he would've thought 40-something Michael was really boring.
I have a hard time with numbers. Hate math. It made me cry in school. Maybe that's why I focus on the energy people give me and not their time on earth.
I once interviewed an iconic LA photographer at his birthday party. The room became electric upon his entrance. He talked about his future projects with the excitment of a five-year-old, while celebrating his 95th year.
I have a lot of musician friends I support. I'm usually the first one on the dance floor with my friend Judy. We met this way, dancing to our friends' music. She's become a good friend for about eight years now. The other day we had a long phone conversation about some of our crazy life adventures, which she interrupted with, "Well, I am eighty-four years old." Until then, I never thought about her age. I paused to ponder this new info. That large number didn't connect to her radiant energy.
I don't give a shit about numbers.
One year, my Aunt asked my age in front of my mom. I had to stop and think. "Forty-seven?" My mom corrected me. "Forty-five." I didn't think about it. I forgot.
I'm not trying to cause trouble--just giving you the perspective of someone who doesn't deal in numbers... which might explain my sad bank account.
Michele, I love this comment, especially the part about the photographer celebrating their 95th with the joy of a child. That's what I'm aiming for. The numbers are, well, I'm not a numbers fan either, but that attitude is everything. Thank you for sharing this, Michele!
That makes me happy, Michael.
I returned from visiting my nearly 80-year-old mom. She wore me out. I was still groggy from waking up when she blurted, "Let's go to the farmer's market." She walks so fast I had to run to keep up.
You'll be fine. Attitude IS everything.
I’m just starting middle age, so the jury’s still out, but I’ve been solidifying a home and career over the past few years and I find it satisfying.
You're a really solid person all the way around. I think you're going to crush middle age so hard middle age won't know what hit it.
💪🤪
Wow, I'm feeling slightly insecure around the breeziness of many of the replies here. For me, my midlife crisis has been real, visceral and pretty confronting.
1. The onset of middle age is a rite of passage between the first half of life and the second half of life. It is a transition between understanding how things work *generally* to understanding how things work *specifically*. The first half of life is (often) about figuring out the rules and following prescriptions and then it one day dawns on you that everything is made up and the points don't matter. That's middle age right there.
2. I feel like I'm straddling the middle. I think the midlife crisis is not actually a part of being middle aged - it's the immediate precursor.
3. In my 20s I thought that I could have it all... and not just that I *could* have it all, but I *would* have it all. That extends not just to the accumulation of stuff and the achievements and all of the basic stuff, but also to the shitty parts of my personality - as well as having a BMW and a 6 pack I would also be wise and compassionate and funny and intelligent. Now, at 42 I realise that, in large part, I am who I am and that includes the things that I prefer about myself and the things I'm not so keen on. It's not that I couldn't change, just the evidence points towards the contrary.
Basically no-one I've met has ever really changed in any meaningful way, so why would I be any different? This has been a crashing realisation for me, and the most challenging one.
But with all that said, while the transition as been rough, I'm actually optimistic about middle age.
5. What did I think about 40 and 50 year olds in my 20s? Nothing. They were the invisible decades from my perspective as a 25 year old.
Then there's the 20-40-60 rule (per Shirley MacLaine): At 20, you care what everyone is thinking about you. At 40, you don’t give a damn what people are thinking about you. At 60, you realize no one is thinking about you.
Shirley MacLaine for the win!
im just gonna answer #4...ok? with a libel suit perhaps attached:
"i was soooooo much olderrrrrrrr then.....i'm youngerr than that nowwwwww..."
As someone in their twenties I'm actually somewhat looking forward to the middle ages. I'm an old soul, never really been a party goer or a social animal. I feel like people don't judge 40 and 50 year olds for being less social. Where as I feel judged as a 23 year old for not being a party animal.
The only people judging 40-somethings for not being as social are their 40-something peers who complain that they used to be so much more fun.
Sometimes I have to use my phone calculator to double-check that I got my age right. No, it's not dementia, it's just the speed of time. My 40s sort of tripped me up with various tough life events, and I spent a lot of the time in fight or flight mode. Bonus/reward? I grew a lot as a person, and echoing what others have said here: I'm more comfortable being me now. That is, when the lower back pain and other body parts don't scream for attention!
Being more comfortable with yourself as your age is a huge bonus!
Really enjoyed this one. Oddly, I feel middle-age at 34. Sure, I’m technically not halfway between being born and my projected length of life. But how much life is there really after 70?
Since I’ve done a little Amis retrospective over the past week, I’ll share a quote here which illustrates the point in a beautiful abstract way:
“Yeah, non-smokers live seven years longer. Which seven will be subtracted by the god called Time? It won't be that convulsive, heart-bursting spell between twenty-eight and thirty-five. No. It'll be that really cool bit between eighty-six and ninety-three.”
Thanks for this comment, Christian! I hope there's a lot of life after 70. But honestly, I don't think I thought much about life after 70 when I was in my 30s and definitely not when i was in my 20s. That said, as I get older, one thing I've thought a lot about is how I want my life to be when I'm 70. I can't control a lot of stuff, but I can put myself in a position to be the 70-something I want to be. Let me make that concrete. I enjoy doing yoga. I've done it irregularly for about a decade, but I've made it a regular practice in the past year. My goal used to be the immediate benefits of yoga, but now I often find myself showing up for my practice because I know that if I want to do yoga at 70, I better do it at 45.
That seems like a reasonable and responsible outlook. Sending good health and flexibility your way.
As a member of Generation X I am part of the literal "middle age," and hence we have always been middle aged and at the same time will never be middle aged.
Great point, Craig! As a young Xer, I've often felt like I was late to a generation that had already been declared the forgotten middle child.
One day you're telling the elliptical you're 49. The next day, oh boy...
As a data scientist I know that medians are usually more important than means, especially when it comes to human perception. I play tournament bridge, so my median (middle) age is in the early 80's, even though many of them won't hit 160. It's all about expectation, which is funny since, technically, statisticians use expectation to describe the mean/average not the median.
I don't know about you, but I've been lying to the elliptical for about 15 years.
I’m 45 and I have no idea if I’m middle aged because I don’t know when I’m gonna kick the bucket. But the more I think about it, the less I want to think about it, which probably means I’m middle aged lol
The literal, chronological middle is a trap. If you look at the actuarial tables, we passed the middle a few years back. But if you believe all the life-extended stuff coming out of the tech world, we're mere babies who will live for centuries.
It was good to read different perspectives! I consider myself middle aged and I love it. It feels great because I think all my life I’ve had a feeling of not bringing myself to fruition, in a very, i am not yet who I actually am sense. I’m more myself now than I ever have been, if that makes sense.
Priya, thank you for sharing this! What you wrote about being more yourself now than ever totally makes sense. With each new decade, I find that I better understand myself and I'm more comfortable with who I am.