Fuck around & find out (who you fucked)
breakfast with a side of eavesdropping
He picks at a breakfast burrito. She has the French toast. Last night may have been fun, but the morning after is hard work.
They start with some heavy shit. Climate change. They both agree that Earth is in serious trouble, because the oceans are “like so totally dirty.”
“It freaks me out,” he says. “We’re fucked.”
She’s not so sure.
“I heard the plastic in the ocean is, like, turning into living organisms, or something.”
“I heard it lasts forever.”
They find consensus by agreeing that neither one is a scientist.
The waiter refills their coffee cups. For a few minutes, they’re quiet. They push the food around on their plates, searching for a topic that will save them from the awkward silence.
“I know what we can talk about,” she says, “the election.”
“I don’t follow politics,” he replies. “Too annoying.”
“Yeah, me neither.”
“I voted. But, like, who are we kidding? America is an oligarchy.”
“Totally.”
He tells her about a podcast he listened to that’s all about how oligarchs control everything.
“The only thing they don’t control is podcasts,” he insists. “And crypto.”
She says she doesn’t listen to podcasts.
“I mostly just watch Netflix.”
“I don’t do corporate media,” he says.
She can’t wait for the new season of Bridgerton. He’s never heard of the show. See: corporate media, I guess.
“I’m obsessed with this podcast about Sun Tzu,” he says.
“Who?”
“The dude who wrote The Art of War.”
“Never heard of him.”
“He’s like the greatest Chinese philosopher ever. Total badass. A strategy legend. And not just for war. His lessons are good for business too.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, he totally changed the way I think about my crypto portfolio.”
From the look on her face, crypto sounds like a dead end. But the Chinese philosophy angle seems like a promising avenue for conversation, so she grasps for a straw and says, “I met my acupuncturist at an art gallery opening.”
He looks confused, so she explains.
“Chinese medicine.”
“Oh. Yeah, American healthcare is, like, so corrupt.”
“Totally.”
Now, it’s his turn to save the conversation.
“I’ve never been to an art gallery. Do you, like, have to buy the art?”
“No. It’s free. Mostly, people just show up for the wine. And the people watching.”
“How do you get invited to these things?”
“Instagram. I follow all these artists I know from Burning Man. They’re always doing cool shit.”
He sees an opening.
“The next time you see something cool, we should go together.”
“OK, yeah, that would be cool.”
It’s a date, but they don’t use the d-word. That would be too formal, and this is just a casual thing. Besides, they still need to nail down important details.
“What’s your number?” she asks. “I’ll text you.”
She takes out her phone. He gives her his number.
“And what’s your name?” she asks. “I’m Madison, by the way.”
Corrections
I fucked up the burrito story. Sorry. After it ran,
emailed to ask why she didn’t receive a shout out, since she had sent money via PayPal. I could blame PayPal for failing to notify me, but I think it’s important for journalists, even those covering ridiculous topics like horizontal burrito consumption, to hold themselves accountable before they try to hold anyone else accountable. Anyway, Anne, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.Shout outs!
A big thank you to the newest Situation Normal subscribers:
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I ask, you answer
Are we fucked? Explain.
What’s his name?
French toast or breakfast burrito?
Do you listen to podcasts, or have you been captured by the corporate media? Note: both can be true. Also, share your favorite podcasts!
Have you ever been to an art gallery opening? Tell your story!
Turns out this was a living art installation with performances every day at 11:00am.
1. We've been fucked since we killed the last Mammoth. Those were good eatin' and people had to work together to seriously chow down on a Mammoth.
2. Jacob
3. I don't eat breakfast
4. Whatever the kids around the house are raving about (Formula One racing at the moment)
5. A lot -- best ever -- a sculptor I know went to China and started taking moving panoramas of entire villages -- they were still shots but he would narrate them as you walked along beside them (they were like a hundred feet long). I guess that's hard to visualize but very fun in person.