I like to arrive five or ten minutes early for a yoga class. That way, I have time to use the bathroom, put my phone on airplane mode, set up my mat and props, double-check to make sure I set my phone on airplane mode, stretch a little, triple-check my phone’s status, center myself, catch up on yoga studio gossip, re-center myself, quadruple-check my phone, and finally, exhale to start my practice off on the right foot.
I was mentally yelling “she’s flirting with you” from the moment Xerxes came up, and then mentally yelling with the same growing intensity of “he’s behind you!!” at a horror movie. Amazing. “My wife picks out my clothes” is also maybe the objectively funniest way to throw cold water on a flirtation. I don’t have a wife but I’m going to start using that line next time I get an unwanted advance from some dude. I bet it would work wonders ;)
Xerxes backward is "Sex Rex." She wasn't just flirting, she was flinging herself at you.
Michael, er, Xerxes, you handled it like a pro. Also, I tend to have a similar response in those akward exchanges, except heightened and nervous, as in "Yes, my wife picks out my clothes, and my wife buys them, the mother of my children, my wife, we're married, 21 years, that's why I call her my wife. I'm going leave here now and go home to my wife... wife." Like somehow the stench of flirtations will stick to my clothes and all the women around me will detect it and give me dirty looks.
I was mentally counting all the Michaels I know or have known while I was reading this. At least 7, but I'm probably forgetting some. They run the gamut from bastard to hero/unicorn, but I will say that those who go by Michael instead of Mike have an edge.
1. I think men are intimidated by bendy women. Hell, I'm intimidated by bendy women, which is why I do my yoga at home. I also think the constant threat of farting publicly (in front of bendy women) keeps men away from yoga classes. I'm making assumptions, really. Maybe they just don't have the clothes for it. ;)
2. The red and yellow is a tough sell. Red and Green - Christmas present. Red and Blue - Wonder Woman/Superman. Green and Brown - Jolly Green Giant. Red and Yellow - condiments. I agree, you were working it. But there's no way your wife picked that combo out for you. You definitely threw her under the yellow bus.
3. Pedro is hot, but he's Hollywood dad bod. There's undoubtedly massive training/manscaping going on behind the scenes. All to say, he's not an authentic dad bod, IMO.
4. I don't even know how to pronounce Xerxes. But you do kind of look like one.
5. I like the notion that by moving and breathing I'm getting somewhere. Sets the bar nice and low on days when my self-doubt nemesis comes calling. https://stockfiction.substack.com/p/name-my-nemesis
6. This is a great question. I would LOVE to see the word DAD removed from the phrase dad bod as much as I'd like to see the word MOM removed from mom jeans or mom pooch (HATE). Your bod is your bod, Michael. And my jeans are my jeans. And we're both super qualified to rock them.
12. YES, SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU. Kind of shamelessly actually. And I can say that because I'm a shameless flirt myself. I am wondering now if you dropped the wife card with Miss Flirtsy less to blame your wife for your clothes and more to get her on this gal's radar, so she might see a reason to back the F off and find a man of her own... or whatever.
Great post. Enjoy your journey today.
As a yoga teacher, I'll say good for you for sticking with your practice! And if you think guys are in the minority in classes in LA, try taking a yoga class in Oklahoma. I hope your practice continues to bring you benefits. Also, PEDRO PASCAL DAD BOD YES PLEASE
Answer to question 2. It's already happened, obviously. Starting at 11.08 GMT this morning when you posted this essay, ketchup and mustard yoga attire has been flying off the shelves worldwide, Michael. #trendsetter
6. Disqualify? No. But, much like those who make terrible Dad jokes but are not fathers, it simply makes you...
A faux pa. 😁
I laughed at so many parts of this story! Xerxes! "Just guess Michael!" Ketchup and mustard!
Also, I'd like to push-back on your claim of the "nonexistent romantic trope of a pudgy Jewish guy with thick glasses." As evidence, I'll present Seth Rogen. The guy is a walking romantic trope!
The picture. I am dead. And personally, I'm not getting the Pedro Pascal mania. And I don't like The Last of Us. There, I said it. I'm probably going to be cancelled.
#2. Having grown up in LA, near USC, somehow your yoga outfit is screaming USC football at me. Just to say that the colors seem to match!
So you're telling me that the historically accurate cinematic masterpiece "300" lied to me with its presentation of Xerxes as an insanely cut Rodrigo Santoro, and he instead should have had a dad bod?
Xerxes. Sounds like something one does...in private. Seriously though, Xerxes is Achashvarosh. It's Purim, Michael.
I never know when someone is flirting with me! Apparently it requires a special detection skill set we lack! Leonardo DiCaprio has a total dad bod. I am impressed you can get through yoga classes. And Christina sounds like someone I would like to be friends with!
Could be mistaken for a McDonald's mascot with that colour pallet. 😁
Pedro P:” this is the way, Michael, this is the way”...
Not sure if links are allowed on here, but the pedro pascal lie detector interview from vanity fair just made me like him more https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU7-KMGZ4bc