Communist tires

I'm worried about Firestone

Jul 26, 2026

When I learned to drive, my father insisted that I learn how to change a tire. This came in handy a couple of times, but honestly, I haven’t changed a tire in decades, and at this point I’m a little foggy on the process. If I found myself by the side of the road with a flat, I’d probably ask ChatGPT for instructions and hope to hell that the AI’s answer wasn’t a hallucination. Or, maybe I’d just wing(nut) it. Christina, on the other hand, still remembers how to change a tire. Her father, a retired auto mechanic, gave her very specific instructions: “Call AAA and have them do it.”

Last week, Christina called me on her way home from dinner with a former colleague.

“There’s a warning on the car that says I have low tire pressure in my right-rear tire,” she said. “What do I do?”

My first instinct, as always, was to tell her to panic. Is panicking helpful in situations like this? No, but it is on brand for me.

“How’s the car driving?” I asked.

“Like normal. Should I stop?”

I gave that some thought. On the one hand, stopping to get it checked out seemed like the safe move. On the other hand, it was late at night, and Christina’s route home took her through some shady areas, so stopping also felt unsafe.

“Keep your speed low,” I said. “And keep an eye on the car. The computer will tell you if the pressure drops more, and if the car wiggles or starts handling weird, pull over.”

“Copy that.”

Christina got home OK. I looked at the tire. It looked fine, maybe a little low.

“I’ll have someone look at it in the morning.”

The next morning, I checked the tire again. It looked the same, so I drove it to the local Firestone shop, which is less than a mile from our house.

A word about Firestone. They’re great. I take our cars there whenever we get a notification that the tire pressure is low. This happens, I’m told, when there are sudden changes in temperature. That’s common in Los Angeles, where the weather can swing wildly in the span of a day, from chilly with overnight lows in the 40s to blisteringly hot. I’ve gone to the beach on Christmas, and I’ve worn sweaters in June. That’s LA weather for you. Anyway, the guys at Firestone always check the tires for damage, chat about the weather, and top off the air. I’d call myself a loyal customer, but since they always say “no charge,” there’s no need to bring capitalism into this. Or so I thought.

When I took Christina’s car to Firestone, I told a tech named Juan that I thought the tire was probably damaged, reasoning that when weather affects tire pressure, it affects all four tires, not just one.

“If we need to repair it, that’ll cost $31, and if we need to replace it, well … we’ll go over that later, if we need to.”

As soon as Juan looked at the tire, he spotted a nail. That made me feel kind of silly, because I had looked at the tire too, but hadn’t seen anything.

“That part was probably touching the ground, sir. Tires rotate.”

“Fair enough.”

“The good news is we can repair it.”

Juan told me it would take about an hour. I told him I was going to walk to the mall around the corner from the Firestone to get some lunch.

When I came back, the tire was fixed.

“Good as new.”

“Awesome,” I said, reaching for my wallet.

“Actually, I can give it to you for free,” Juan said. “You just have to leave a review on Google.”

“Free?”

“Yes sir.”

Juan’s offer was hard to beat, and honestly, I didn’t even try. I wrote the review, shook Juan’s hand, and drove home on four working tires. But when I got home, I realized something disturbing. I’ve been to that Firestone dozens of times. I’ve never once bought tires from them, or paid for anything at all. Was Firestone a business, or a charity?

I checked the California Secretary of State website. Firestone was listed as a for-profit corporation. That made sense, as it looked like a typical business. But what didn’t make sense was how Firestone made any profit. For a moment, I was stumped, but then I remembered that Communism is making a comeback, at least according to the news, which is always accurate. Clearly, Firestone was operated by Communists. As Karl Marx famously wrote, “From each according to his tire-changing abilities, to each according to his tire needs.”

Needless to say, I feel conflicted about this. On the one hand, I’m an American who loves a deal. On the other hand, I’m an American who grew up during the Cold War and was taught that the only good commie is a dead commie. Part of me wants to return to Firestone to see what other free stuff they could provide. But another part of me wants to call in an airstrike.

Since we live in a democracy (for now), I’m putting this one to a vote. Do I embrace Communist tires and take my chances with the possibility that free stuff inevitably leads to supply shortages, economic stagnations, and other maladies that will slowly erode a free society? Or, do I teach those commie tire bastards that when you fuck with capitalism, you fuck with America, and we do not fuck around? Let me know in the comments👇

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