Hello, situation normies! Itβs been cold and rainy here in Los Angeles, which is good because we always need the water, and some people need an excuse to wear sweaters, hats, and boots. Personally, I nod to the gods of winter by pairing hoodies with cargo shorts and flip-flops and staying inside when it rains. So far, so good!
Now for the main event. Iβm excited about todayβs Situation Normal because Iβll be responding to the great advice situation normies had about my car troubles. But first, Iβve got some advice for a Trader Joeβs cashier about her relationship and travel woes. Plus, peanut butter boards!
Ready?
Letβs go!
Checkout line advice
The Trader Joeβs cashier was visibly upset.
βWhat are you going to do?β asked the woman bagging my groceries.
βI donβt know,β the cashier said. βThey wonβt even talk.β
βWhen are you guys supposed to leave for Hawaii?β
βWeβre supposed to go in two weeks,β the cashier said. βBut nowβ¦ I donβt know. I think the trip is ruined.β
βCan you get a refund?β
βNo, I tried.β
I wasnβt planning to interject because I felt like a child who wanders into the the middle of a movie and wants to knowβ¦
βYouβre a man,β the woman bagging the groceries said to me. βWhat should she do about her man problems?β
I wasnβt sure how my gender qualified me to give advice, but I knew I needed more information before answering. So I asked for some context.
The problem was this. The cashier and her best friend had booked a trip to Hawaii for themselves and their husbands. The two couples were looking forward to their Hawaiian getaway, but then a couple of days ago, the two dudes got into a fight βover nothing,β and now both husbands want to cancel.
βI told her to put their butts on the plane,β the woman bagging groceries said. βBy the time they get to Hawaii theyβll be fine because you canβt be mad in Hawaii.β
That advice sounded good, but I knew better. Itβs a classic mainland fallacy to believe that your problems donβt exist in paradise. The truth is, you can pack anything in your bag thatβs TSA-approved, and unfortunately, that includes your problems.
βHave you told them to grow up, make up, and get over themselves?β I asked.
βI did, but my husband wonβt even call his friend,β the cashier said. βHeβs so stubborn.β
βAnd the other guy is the same way?β
βYeah, theyβre both stubborn.β
βWell, your coworker might be right. Itβs possible that theyβll get to Hawaii, order some tropical drinks with those little umbrellas and forget all of their childish bullshit.β
βThatβs what I hope,β the cashier said. βBut everyday, he says, Iβm not going. Heβs so angry.β
This was what I was afraid. Her husband sounded like a total dipshit. Unfortunately, total dipshits are very common, and the only thing you can really do is avoid them like the plague that they are. But I didnβt know the cashier well enough to tell her to divorce the total dipshit she married. Instead, I targeted my advice to the upcoming Hawaii trip.
βHereβs what you do,β I began. βTell your husband youβre going without him. He wonβt like it.β
βHeβll hate it,β the cashier said.
Of course, heβll hate it, I thought. Heβs a total dipshit who canβt see that his childish nonsense is costing him an awesome vacation and maybe costing him his marriage too.
βEvery time he complains, just tell him that heβs welcome to come,β I said. βBut then remind him that he decided not to go because he canβt be the bigger man. Tell your friend to run the same play on her husband.β
βDo you think thatβll work?β the cashier asked.
I knew the play would work, but I didnβt want to tell her what βworkβ meant in this case. Either their husbands would fall in line like the man-children that they are, or these two women would enjoy a fun girlβs getaway in Hawaii. That was how it would play out in the short-run. But in the long-run the play might work a different kind of magicβa disappearing spell, if you will, that would make her total dipshit husband vanish for good. After all, aloha means hello and goodbye!
Peanut butter boards!
When I launched Situation Normal, I had no intention of discussing appetizers. But then one day, my wife sent me to a strangerβs house to buy a cheese board, but it turned out that it was actually a charcuterie board, which led us to snackle boxes, which brought us to butter boards. I thought it would stop there. Actually, I hoped it would end with butter boards. But then TikTok said, βhold my beer.β And while I held TikTokβs beer, it showed me the wonders of a peanut butter board.
Car FAQs
In case you missed it, I wrote about thieves stealing my catalytic convertor for the second time this year. I thought writing the story would be a bright spot in an otherwise shitty experience, but the real bright spot was hearing from so many wonderful situation normies.
Many of you asked good questions that Iβm going to answer here. But before I do that, I need to share an update on the catalytic convertor situation.
On Monday, my mechanic called to tell me that I might have to wait seven or eight months for a new catalytic convertor. Iβm going to call around to see if anyone can beat the the seven-month estimate, but Iβm not hopeful. According to the Ye Olde Google Machine, weβre experiencing a shortage of catalytic convertors. Itβs possible the shortage is being caused by a massive crime wave, but itβs also possible that the economic conditions fueling that crime wave (demand for certain precious metals) is hampering production. Either way, Iβm fucked.
Which brings me to your questions/suggestions for what comes next. Without further ado, here we go.
What about a motorcycle, scooter, or bicycle?
The two-wheel option is a tempting one for several reasons. First, bikes and motorcycles are a great way to beat traffic. Second, there are electric and human-powered options, which will go a long way to achieving my goal of carbon-neutrality.
But there are also downsides to the two-wheel option. One downside is that you canβt carry a lot of stuff, which is a hassle for a guy who handles the household chores. But the real downside is danger. Motorcycles are inherently dangerous. Bicycles are safe, but not in the suburbs of Los Angeles, where road rage is all the rage and bicycle infrastructure leaves a lot to be desired. Also, Iβm a klutz, which isnβt a great trait for a cyclist anywhere.
Why donβt you park in the garage?
Our garage only fits one car, along with boxes of holiday decorations, luggage, a weed whacker, cleaning supplies, our washer/dryer, Christinaβs tools, extra chairs for the dining room table in case we ever have a dinner party again, a lifetime supply of Greenies for Mortimer because he buys in bulk, the drink fridge, and several boxes of miscellaneous βstuff.β Basically, the garage situation is a can of worms, but at least the garage door works.
Canβt you just get a new car, ideally an electric one?
Yes, I could always get a new car. But we paid off the Prius in 2020, and our plan was to own the Prius until it died. Thatβs why you buy a Toyota, isnβt it?
Selling the Prius probably wonβt get me enough cash to buy a new car (or new-to-me used car) outright, so Iβll need to finance a portion of the purchase. I was hoping to avoid car payments until at least 2028. So while I could always throw money at the problem, it sort of feels like throwing money away.
Why donβt you just move?
Several people sided with my sister, Allison, by asking about a change of scenery. Suggestions included New York, Chicago, Detroit, Key West, Bali, Amsterdam, and Cleveland. While itβs tempting to relocate, moving kind of feels like Iβm letting the thieves win even more. I mean, first they take my car, then they take my hometown?
What about a booby trap?
Several readers wrote in to suggest installing some kind of booby trap on the Prius so that it kills, or maybe just wounds, the thieves the next time they come to steal my catalytic convertor.
Iβll be honest, this option sounds very appealing. But I think there are two things working against it. First, Iβm just not that handy, so thereβs a very good chance that whatever booby trap I attempt to MacGyver onto my Prius will boomerang on me and send me to the hospital. Second, the legal team advising Situation Normal believes thereβs a 50/50 chance Iβll end up in prison, a 100% chance that life will suck for me behind bars, and a βmillion-to-oneβ chance of my prison experience being optioned for film or television.
What about better (legal) security measures?
One reader offered some really helpful advice about installing motion-activated lights to scare away the thieves. I love this idea because itβs affordable, reasonable, and itβll probably lead to a hilarious story about Christina and me installing said lights.
Unfortunately, lighting isnβt the issue. I already park the Prius under a street light, which is something the LAPD recommends. Obviously, the light isnβt a deterrent, but Iβm starting to think the street light might be helping the thieves because itβs very difficult to remove a catalytic convertor in the dark.
Isnβt vigilantism dangerous and off brand?
Several thoughtful readers wrote in to warn me about the dangers of vigilantism. They politely pointed out that I am the opposite of tough and that if push comes to shove, Iβm likely to get pushed and shoved. Also, they pointed out, writing about the challenges of vigilantism is only relatable to super hero types like Batman, whereas writing about an everymanβs challenges of living in a one-car household are actually super-relatable.
Live that Lyft life!
Many readers wrote in to voice support for supplementing our one-car household with Lyft rides. Several of those readers pointed out that this was a βselfishβ request on their part because they just want me to write more Lyft driver stories. But selfishness is a two-way street because I also happen to be selling a collection of my Lyft driver stories. I think this one is a win-win!
A little Substack love for Situation Normal
Iβd like to close with some good news. Earlier this year, I wrote about hitting my goal of 1,000 subscribers for Situation Normal. This week, the
team included that piece of writing in their roundup of writer milestones. That was a big honor, but it was especially thrilling to be mentioned alongside some excellent newsletters, including , , , , , , , , and !Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. Iβve got questions, youβve got answers.
What did you think of the advice I gave to the cashier?
Have you ever given advice to a stranger? How did it go?
Will you be serving a peanut butter board this holiday season?
The appetizer board phenomenon will never end. Whatβs the next board you see trending? Is it a hummus board?
If youβre a Substack writer who attends Thursday office hours, can you give Situation Normal a big old shout out? Thanks!
If youβre new here, pleaseπ
If youβre a returning champ, pleaseπ
Until Sunday, when Iβll post about winning in 2022β¦
Find a u-pick salvage yard. They have tons of cars and you walk around and pull parts out of cars and pay for the parts. Some have a flat rate for whatever you want and some charge by the part. Find a Prius of the same year model that has been wrecked and pull a catalytic converter out of it. I actually did this about 20 years ago with my 89 Volvo, when it needed a catalytic converter.
1. Strong. Only thing I would've done differently would've been to suggest they both take boyfriends with them instead of their husbands. 2. Yes, and it typically ends badly. 3. PB board is the first in the board series where I'm like, Hell damn yeah. I'd drop the bacon and add chocolate chips, Oreos, and globs of Nutella. Nonetheless, won't be serving. 4. Nutella board. You heard it here first. 5. Done.