Big Wednesday #3
World's worst pollster, job recruiter SNAFU, mailbag questions about cheese, and a TikTok featuring lactose tolerant ants
Not that anyone asked, but the trick to writing slice of life humor is to say yes when most people would say no. Most people won’t answer the phone when a pollster calls, but I see those moments as opportunities to get a story. Same thing goes for an email sent to the wrong address, or a stranger at the grocery store who strikes up a conversation with you in order to sell you a frozen pizza. If you make it a practice to say yes to these moments, you’ll see some wild shit. Truth, after all, really is stranger than fiction. But not every odd encounter works out to a full story. In fact, I often collect story fragments that don’t amount to anything.
The disappointing pollster
The other night I was doing the dishes when the phone rang. I was listening to an audiobook about rising sea levels—a topic I find fascinating and terrifying—so I wasn’t in the mood to be bothered. Then I saw the caller ID: Dynata Research. A pollster! I turned off the kitchen faucet, dried my hands, and answered the phone.
“Talk to me,” I said.
The woman spoke in a singsong voice that made her difficult to understand, but I love taking polls, so I tried to practice patience and generosity.
“Are you a registered voter?” she asked.
“Yes, I am a registered voter.”
“Are you a registered voter?” she asked again.
“Yes.”
We went back and forth on this question a few more times. Finally, I shouted into the phone: “I AM A REGISTERED VOTER!”
“Who are you yelling at, honey?” Christina asked.
I muted the phone.
“Pollster,” I said.
Christina shot me the knowing look she gives me whenever I’m in the middle of something that could, well, something.
“In the upcoming election, are you definitely voting Democrat, likely voting Democrat, undecided, likely voting Republican, or definitely voting Republican?”
I unmuted the phone to answer.
“Definitely Democrat.”
There was a pause, then the pollster repeated the question.
“Definitely Democrat,” I said again.
The woman sighed.
“In the upcoming election, are you definitely voting Democrat, likely voting Democrat, undecided, likely voting Republican, or definitely voting Republican?”
“DEMOCRAT! I’M DEFINETLY VOTING DEMOCRAT.”
“No need to shout, sir. I just to need to get your response.”
Then the pollster proceeded to ask the exact same question. Once again, I shouted “definitely Democrat.” And once again she asked the same question.
We did this four more times. The call felt like a microcosm of American politics: a shit show on loop with lots of shouting and zero understanding. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I said, interrupting the pollster, “I just don’t think this is going to work.”
“I’m sorry, what?” she asked.
“This poll,” I said. “It’s not working for me, and I don’t think it’s working for you either.”
“Sir, in the upcoming election, are you definitely voting Democrat, likely voting Democrat, undecided, likely voting Republican, or definitely voting Republican?”
“I gotta go, lady.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you’re a lousy scene partner, and the sea levels are rising, that’s why.”
Another job lead goes cold
I’m not the only Michael Estrin in the world. The other Michael Estrin is an accomplished software engineer. Demand for his services is very high. I know this because sometimes I get his job offers, and sometimes I write back to those misguided recruiters.
Here’s an email a recruiter recently sent to the wrong Michael Estrin👇
This job sounded promising. I’m a sucker for the idea of pairing “meaningful work” with “competitive compensation.” More of that please! Also, I was intrigued by Apixio’s return to office plans, especially the parts about free catered lunches and picnics. Unfortunately, I’m not an engineer, so I tried to sell the recruiter on my “skill set.”
Here’s the reply I wrote👇
As of this writing, I haven’t heard back from Annie at Apixio, which is bonkers because the news keeps running stories about how there are more job openings than job seekers. The ball is in your court, Annie, let’s set up an interview!
Mailbag: Two readers ask about cheese
Regular Situation Normal readers know that cheese isn’t just delicious, it’s also a conversation starter.
After reading my story about going to a stranger’s home to buy a cheese plate that may very well have been a charcuterie board, Anne Kadet sent me a Brooklyn Nextdoor posting advertising another underground cheesemonger. “Can you do anything with this?” Anne asked.
Honestly, Anne, the only thing I can do with this is help eat it. So look out, Brooklyn, I’m coming for your underground cheese! By the way, Anne writes Café Anne, one of my favorite newsletters. Anne captures New York city with humor, insight, and humanity. Check out Café Anne, you’ll be glad you did!
Meanwhile, the cheese plate saga reminded reader Josh H-M that I had written another story about a man who tried to sell me frozen pizza. “Can I ask about the cheese board and the love of Daiya pizza?” Josh H-M wrote.
First of all, let’s acknowledge that Josh H-M is a first-rate Situation Normal reader. You really have to be on your game to connect the dots between my affinity for vegan pizza (something I wrote about in January) and my recent quest to purchase an underground cheese plate. Way to go, Josh H-M!
Now, here’s your answer. I’m not a vegan, but I am vegan-curious. I used to be a vegetarian and I aspire to return to my vegetarian ways someday. At the moment, I guess I’m an omnivore who prefers to skip meat as much possible, eats cheese sparingly, and dabbles in veganism one meal at a time. For me, frozen pizza is one of those meals where it’s easy to make a vegan substitution without feeling like I’m missing anything.
A TikTok of cheese-loving ants🧀🐜
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Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you may or may not have answers.
What’s the wildest thing you’ve even seen ants carry away? Bonus points if it was a person who denies climate change.
Do you get emails from recruiters about jobs you’re in no way qualified to perform? If so, what do you do for a living, and what do the recruiters think you do for a living? Do you ever write back to those recruiters?
You read my reply to Annie at Apixio. What do you think my chances are of landing an in-house position at Apixio as a humor newsletter writer?
How do you describe TikTok to people who don’t use it? A place for silly videos? A guilty pleasure? The crack cocaine of social media? A better version of Twitter’s defunct Vine product?
I get calls from pollsters all the time, and yet the results from public opinion polls never seem to reflect my views. Why is that?!
Contribute to Situation Normal!
Do you have a question about something I’ve written? Got post from Nextdoor that made you LOL or WTF? Spot something odd on your morning walk? Find a funny typo in the wild? Send your pictures to me at 👇
michael.j.estrin@gmail.com
When submitting, please tell me if you’d like to use an alias, or do the first name last initial thing. If you write a newsletter, I’m happy to link to it, so let me know!
Until Sunday, when I’ll have a story about my catalytic converter replacement…
Hit the ❤️ button👇
Ah, your themes and delivery were AWESOME today. I think that YOUR use of SNAFU is likely the best I've ever seen! A handful of military jargon is funny and this was hilarious. A lot can serve as an endrun to talk dirty and get away with it. As for Anne's plate o' food, I think it was all about making people work. Big hunks of cheese you have to cut yourself, grapes still on the bunch. Frilly toothpicks are cool and feel like the 1970s when everything was possible. As the mid-terms near I will amp up my polling game. As for your missed job interview, I would think you could be an ace consultant advising how to craft questions on surveys so as not to drive frustration. Phone polling is bad and they need help.
Haha, jokes on you ants! Every day I put out bread, cheese and splashes of red wine. By the end of the week they're so tired they can't even make it out of the anthill. That's how you get around having to buy pesticides. Also, the job posting email hit home because I am a software engineer. When I state that I will only work remotely, full time and not for any startups, I invariably get offers for in office, contract work in Bangalore working for a "disruptor". Somebody is making a lot of money selling these email lists.