2. If duct tape can fix everything, why can’t we make everything out of duct tape? Hmmm. Aesthetically, I’m not on board.
3. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, but for some reason free shipping is accepted as gospel. Why are we so badly fooled? Stupidity. And why Bezos is worth $247.6 BILLION dollars. I contribute to his super yacht status with my Amazon Prime account purchases since I’m LAZY and I’ll end up like those fat people on the spaceships on WaLL-E.
Number six! Wow. Thank you so much! Regarding duct-tape I should mention that a friend made me a wallet out of duct-tape that was aesthetically pleasing because she used several colors of tape
I'm astonished that after thousands of years of human beings building shit how often things are BADLY DESIGNED!!! A BED IS NOT COMPLICATED!!! HOW DID THEY FUCK THAT UP?!?!? WHY ARE SO MANY THINGS DESIGNED SO SHITTILY?!?!
Apologies for being so shouty, but this kind of stuff drives me nuts.
Club cards to various large merchants also make rubes out of us all. Just give us the discounted price without making us go through a charade or giving you our phone number. Assholes.
There’s a market near me called Vons. It kinda sucks, but it’s where I go for certain brand names I can’t get at Trader Joe’s. Anyway, one thing I like about Vons is that the employees are always in open rebellion and generally do not give a fuck about what corporate wants them to do. Example: a cashier gave me an activated discount card and told me not to input my info. I’ve been swiping it for years and getting discounts but Vons doesn’t know who I am and doesn’t have my contact info.
See now, this is why I still have the same bed I’ve had for 35 years, including the good old flippable Montgomery Ward mattress. Why don’t they make flippable mattresses anymore? Periodically I will ponder getting a new bed then realize this one is still just fine. Also, it’s just a cozy snuggly double. When we stay in hotels I realize how much I dislike the vastness of a king.
Just a guess but I think pillow topppers and stuff like that have killed the flippable mattress. But that’s just a guess. Clearly I’m not an expert here😁
I’ve had several new beds in the last few years - long story- but now, finally, after weeks of sofa-surfing on my own sofa, I’ve got the most comfortable and attractive and sturdy bed situation.
Trouble is, the mattress is so high off the ground it feels like I’m climbing Everest every night. I’m thinking of building some steps. Though, they may prove to be a death trap for mountain climbers like me who need to pee in the middle of the night. So, sliding down on my tummy, waggling my toes to locate my slippers in the dark, is the safest solution for now.
I’m glad you’ve got your sleeping arrangements sorted and I hope your mum is happy with the story. As ever, thanks for the entertainment. 😂
Thank you for sharing this comment, Yasmin. The struggle is real and we are not alone. We actually have steps for our dog, but sadly, they’re made of foam and cannot support humans.
funny i just had a dream about a bed this morning and i was thinking of all the different beds i had in places i lived and boyfriends, i opened up a whole can of worms for me, i ve nver had a nectar bed, ikea and futons in university but
i was afraid of the boogeyman under it now that im older i realise thereis nothignot fear but fear itlself.
Shout out to Christina. Sorry that I am using your Substack for this.
My knees also kill me these days, (hooray, menopauze!) Weird as I am, and suffering from some sort of self-flagellation behaviour masked as exercise, I still sleep on a mattress on the floor.
And this - yes yes yes!! to this.
"no such thing as a free lunch, but for some reason free shipping is accepted as gospel. Why are we so badly fooled?"
A couple years ago, I bought an expensive ass King sized bed frame from West Elm. Delivery took FOREVER. They delivered me a damaged one, and it was a hell of an issue getting the delivery guys to take it back and West Elm to send me another one. The second one was also damaged. At that point I canceled the order, asked for a refund (which also took forever) and got one from somewhere else. It's a racket, I tell ya! A broken bed frame racket.
I ended up going with a bed frame I found online at Article! Great customer service, they came and se it up for me, no issues, and I've had it for about two years and haven't broken it yet!
1. I would never waste money on a Nectar bed. I have an old queen traditional mattress with a 4 inch super foam gel topper. The way I see it, the exact same feeling as those ridiculous foam beds. Are they even recyclable or any better than spring mattresses?
2. Duct tape should be used for everything. I almost made a full on functional wallet out of thin cardbard and mulit-colored duct tape. Legit!
3. Free shipping is like coupon clipping mothers of the 80's. Buy More! Save 35 cents! Such a deal! then, you are stuck with 10 industrial sized cans of corn that stays in your pantry for the next 5 years. But it was a good deal! We saved 35 cents!
4. One creature scares me more than anything, Pennywise the Dancing Clown. Do not fuck with Pennywise. I refuse to watch the new adaptation, as the trailer scared me so much I NOPED out of that nonsense immediately.
5 - It won't stop until Big AI deems it not relevant to our search results. Use a private browser and hide from the algorithm. Be paranoid like me!
1. All prefab furniture is the devil. However ... being able to assemble, disassemble, reassemble furniture with a spouse and not have it end in divorce is the ultimate sign you both made the right choice in each other.
2. If you can't duct it, fuck it. Right?
3. I am eternally swayed by the "you're only so many dollars and cents away from free shipping" ploy. It's like they're challenging me to find the product that will get me over the line by a penny ... but that item doesn't exist ... and they KNOW IT! 😭
4. He is. And he has a lot of bogey friends.
5. Never. Once you buy something, the only end game for you is to buy that same thing again. At least it was a bed and not ... you know ... hemorrhoid ointment in bulk or something.
I really think there needs to be a reality show where engaged couples compete to assemble furniture and do basic home improvement projects. Winning couple gets their wedding paid for and a gift card to IKEA. Losers get couples therapy or a prepaid subscription to the dating app of their choice.
Re: No. 3, for sure. Let’s see, I can spend $50 more for free shipping OR I can get just the thing I need and pay $7 for shipping. Hmm. Such a dilemma. And yet…
At 69 years old, I can safely say I’ve not owned a real bed since I left my parent’s home. Not sure why, but we never bought one. Just sleep on a metal frame. Just nomads I guess.
The thing about duct-tape is that it needs some structural help occasionally.
It’s sure true that I’ll buy one more thing, but not a bed frame, just to score free shipping.
I think Amazon owns too much of the internet shopping. You spend a few minutes looking for something on Amazon, buy one, and they spend the next year showing ads for that thing. Their programmers coded what they were told and did nothing else. I think it has to do with selling ads and not about selling stuff.
I appreciate the challenge of writing slice-of-bedlam stories. That dark web story sounds grim.
1. I sleep on a glorified rock. It’s spared me, for now?
2. Maybe it’s gently radioactive, like our phones. Small doses.
3. Hope. Like all medicines, it’s all about the dose.
4. “That’s nonsense.” —My last words.
5. Companies are very close to tagging our ears.
Ear tags are coming. Sadly, I’m an Apple user, which means I’ll pay too much for my ear tags and the upgrades will require me to purchase new ears.
1. Have I purchased a Nectar bed? No.
2. If duct tape can fix everything, why can’t we make everything out of duct tape? Hmmm. Aesthetically, I’m not on board.
3. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, but for some reason free shipping is accepted as gospel. Why are we so badly fooled? Stupidity. And why Bezos is worth $247.6 BILLION dollars. I contribute to his super yacht status with my Amazon Prime account purchases since I’m LAZY and I’ll end up like those fat people on the spaceships on WaLL-E.
https://youtu.be/5kngspqvHa0?feature=shared
4. Holy shit, I’m a full believer in the bogeyman. I’m a scaredy cat in real life.
5. Ads follow me around the internet ad infinitum.
6. I love everything you write. Depressing or not.
Number six! Wow. Thank you so much! Regarding duct-tape I should mention that a friend made me a wallet out of duct-tape that was aesthetically pleasing because she used several colors of tape
I'm astonished that after thousands of years of human beings building shit how often things are BADLY DESIGNED!!! A BED IS NOT COMPLICATED!!! HOW DID THEY FUCK THAT UP?!?!? WHY ARE SO MANY THINGS DESIGNED SO SHITTILY?!?!
Apologies for being so shouty, but this kind of stuff drives me nuts.
Keep shouting, Michael! You’re absolutely right, this design “challenge” should’ve been overcome years ago.
Club cards to various large merchants also make rubes out of us all. Just give us the discounted price without making us go through a charade or giving you our phone number. Assholes.
There’s a market near me called Vons. It kinda sucks, but it’s where I go for certain brand names I can’t get at Trader Joe’s. Anyway, one thing I like about Vons is that the employees are always in open rebellion and generally do not give a fuck about what corporate wants them to do. Example: a cashier gave me an activated discount card and told me not to input my info. I’ve been swiping it for years and getting discounts but Vons doesn’t know who I am and doesn’t have my contact info.
That’s so badass
See now, this is why I still have the same bed I’ve had for 35 years, including the good old flippable Montgomery Ward mattress. Why don’t they make flippable mattresses anymore? Periodically I will ponder getting a new bed then realize this one is still just fine. Also, it’s just a cozy snuggly double. When we stay in hotels I realize how much I dislike the vastness of a king.
Just a guess but I think pillow topppers and stuff like that have killed the flippable mattress. But that’s just a guess. Clearly I’m not an expert here😁
I’ve had several new beds in the last few years - long story- but now, finally, after weeks of sofa-surfing on my own sofa, I’ve got the most comfortable and attractive and sturdy bed situation.
Trouble is, the mattress is so high off the ground it feels like I’m climbing Everest every night. I’m thinking of building some steps. Though, they may prove to be a death trap for mountain climbers like me who need to pee in the middle of the night. So, sliding down on my tummy, waggling my toes to locate my slippers in the dark, is the safest solution for now.
I’m glad you’ve got your sleeping arrangements sorted and I hope your mum is happy with the story. As ever, thanks for the entertainment. 😂
Thank you for sharing this comment, Yasmin. The struggle is real and we are not alone. We actually have steps for our dog, but sadly, they’re made of foam and cannot support humans.
That’s such a good idea, assuming you want to the dog to join you…
We do. He’s cute and cuddly. Although he does hog the pillows
At some point my old cats stopped jumping up on the bed and now claw their way up. It’s not that high up, either.
Hahaha, maybe I'll be clawing my way up in a few years!!
funny i just had a dream about a bed this morning and i was thinking of all the different beds i had in places i lived and boyfriends, i opened up a whole can of worms for me, i ve nver had a nectar bed, ikea and futons in university but
i was afraid of the boogeyman under it now that im older i realise thereis nothignot fear but fear itlself.
Please say more about overcoming your fears. You are an inspiration.
Shout out to Christina. Sorry that I am using your Substack for this.
My knees also kill me these days, (hooray, menopauze!) Weird as I am, and suffering from some sort of self-flagellation behaviour masked as exercise, I still sleep on a mattress on the floor.
And this - yes yes yes!! to this.
"no such thing as a free lunch, but for some reason free shipping is accepted as gospel. Why are we so badly fooled?"
Same in The Netherlands. :-(
You can always use Situation Normal to shout out to Christina 😁
This was great and beautiful, unlike your bed frame which is great and regular looking
Thank you, Chris!
A couple years ago, I bought an expensive ass King sized bed frame from West Elm. Delivery took FOREVER. They delivered me a damaged one, and it was a hell of an issue getting the delivery guys to take it back and West Elm to send me another one. The second one was also damaged. At that point I canceled the order, asked for a refund (which also took forever) and got one from somewhere else. It's a racket, I tell ya! A broken bed frame racket.
This comment saves us a trip to West Elm.
I ended up going with a bed frame I found online at Article! Great customer service, they came and se it up for me, no issues, and I've had it for about two years and haven't broken it yet!
1. I would never waste money on a Nectar bed. I have an old queen traditional mattress with a 4 inch super foam gel topper. The way I see it, the exact same feeling as those ridiculous foam beds. Are they even recyclable or any better than spring mattresses?
2. Duct tape should be used for everything. I almost made a full on functional wallet out of thin cardbard and mulit-colored duct tape. Legit!
3. Free shipping is like coupon clipping mothers of the 80's. Buy More! Save 35 cents! Such a deal! then, you are stuck with 10 industrial sized cans of corn that stays in your pantry for the next 5 years. But it was a good deal! We saved 35 cents!
4. One creature scares me more than anything, Pennywise the Dancing Clown. Do not fuck with Pennywise. I refuse to watch the new adaptation, as the trailer scared me so much I NOPED out of that nonsense immediately.
5 - It won't stop until Big AI deems it not relevant to our search results. Use a private browser and hide from the algorithm. Be paranoid like me!
OMG! My friend did make duct-tape wallets just like that. They were amazing.
Oh I may have to pull the trigger and make one for funnzies! Imagine the color combos!
Do it! It’ll be amazing.
1. All prefab furniture is the devil. However ... being able to assemble, disassemble, reassemble furniture with a spouse and not have it end in divorce is the ultimate sign you both made the right choice in each other.
2. If you can't duct it, fuck it. Right?
3. I am eternally swayed by the "you're only so many dollars and cents away from free shipping" ploy. It's like they're challenging me to find the product that will get me over the line by a penny ... but that item doesn't exist ... and they KNOW IT! 😭
4. He is. And he has a lot of bogey friends.
5. Never. Once you buy something, the only end game for you is to buy that same thing again. At least it was a bed and not ... you know ... hemorrhoid ointment in bulk or something.
I really think there needs to be a reality show where engaged couples compete to assemble furniture and do basic home improvement projects. Winning couple gets their wedding paid for and a gift card to IKEA. Losers get couples therapy or a prepaid subscription to the dating app of their choice.
That's gold, Michael! Gold!
Re: No. 3, for sure. Let’s see, I can spend $50 more for free shipping OR I can get just the thing I need and pay $7 for shipping. Hmm. Such a dilemma. And yet…
You should tell your mom Situation Normal is part of the longer acronym SNAFU: Situation Normal, All Fucked Up.
Glad you're okay and back in the humor business. A little bit of light can defeat a whole lot of dark.
All of this, especially that last line.
At 69 years old, I can safely say I’ve not owned a real bed since I left my parent’s home. Not sure why, but we never bought one. Just sleep on a metal frame. Just nomads I guess.
The thing about duct-tape is that it needs some structural help occasionally.
It’s sure true that I’ll buy one more thing, but not a bed frame, just to score free shipping.
I think Amazon owns too much of the internet shopping. You spend a few minutes looking for something on Amazon, buy one, and they spend the next year showing ads for that thing. Their programmers coded what they were told and did nothing else. I think it has to do with selling ads and not about selling stuff.
I think your decision to go full metal is a wise one. You have much to teach.
Our New Years tradition was always to see the floats at Sierra Madre Boulevard in Altadena. It’s one of the things we miss most about life in L.A.
That’s a helluva tradition.
At least you didn’t go full….(shudders) Futon
After a certain point a futon is a real step backward in life.
These are facts. A futon might be one of the most defeatist pieces of furniture out there