The man behind the deli counter has a question about my bagel order.“Do you want a regular amount of cream cheese, or a ridiculous amount?”“What’s the difference?” I ask.“A ridiculous amount is when I layer it thick, like from your scalp to the top of your fro.”
The voices in my head are multilingual. Unfortunately I only speak English fluently, French really badly and Spanish even worse. The voices speak some other, fourth or fifth, language - one where all the words run together and ancient gods and strange spirits sing back responses. I only get worried when they stop talking.
Actually, I don’t know about the Necronomicon. My horror education is lacking, but I’m trying to remedy that. In any case, thank you for holding back whatever evil stuff might be trying to escape.
Layered in the following sequence: (1) normal schmeer portion, (2) capers (so they embed in the cream cheese and don’t roll off), (3) thinly shaved red onion pieces (so it doesn’t overpower other flavors), (4) high quality lox, (5) beefsteak tomato slice (same circumference as bagel). Shalom from an omni-lingual WASP.
Jun 5, 2023·edited Jun 5, 2023Liked by Michael Estrin
Toasted bagel with cream cheese is my order, but are Jewish delis much nicer in LA than in NYC?? This is such a pleasant conversation. To be perfectly honest it may very well be that the certified kosher places that I frequent tend to be a bit more...disdainful to the clientele.
This is a really tough question, Michael! Obviously, it's dangerous to generalize, but I'm going to do it anyway. I've found the LA bagel shops and delis to be more chatty because they're not as small and as busy as the NYC bagel shops and delis I went to when I lived there. That said, my local bagel place on Court Street in Brooklyn was awesome, and when things were slow I'd chat with the bagel guy. When they were busy, he knew my order. I ate way more bagels in those days. But that's a different matter. As for the vibe, I've usually found kosher places to be a lot less friendly, and sometimes disdainful. But I don't eat kosher very often.
My thinking is that it's because the economics for kosher places is somewhat more brutal (and because the clientele more often knows what they're getting into). Court Street in Brooklyn, you say? I hang around there quite a bit.
Your theory makes a lot of sense. I lived at Joralemon and Court, from 2000 to 2003. I recall a kosher pizza place I didn’t love. And a bagel place that was very slow. Not sure if they’re still there. The neighborhood has changed a lot. My law school is now next to a Sephora.
Love this essay! This guy was messing with your head :) Hey and btw, I was walking my dog this morning on a block where we don’t usually go, and behold! Strike signs on someone’s porch!!! Awesome talking the other day, and look forward to more from you!
You know, I know a "Bagel Ambassador" in NYC. He does bagel tours and is the guy who put me in touch with Alex the Bagel Roller. He eats bagels ALL THE TIME and is still super cute and in great shape. Maybe he can share his tips on this EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TOPIC.
Jun 4, 2023·edited Jun 4, 2023Liked by Michael Estrin
(1) Everything + chive/onion + salmon (2) Blueberry seems at least a misdemeanor (3) Bagel guy just has the notice me gene AKA loud talker on the train (4) midwestern english
Maybe a story in there somewhere (food sins). Mandatory minimums for bagel infractions? I remember during my "in-the-office" days, it was bad form not to get the real bagels (like onion & everything) wrapped separately in order to not impact the Midwestern penchant for the cinnamon crunch
The pro move is to bring a friend and split the cream cheese between two bagels. A schmear peer.
Schmear peer is an A+ concept! Can we scale this? And can it save the world? I think the answer is yes to both.
wait. how was the bagel?
The bagel was good, but there was way too much cream cheese
Lol
The voices in my head are multilingual. Unfortunately I only speak English fluently, French really badly and Spanish even worse. The voices speak some other, fourth or fifth, language - one where all the words run together and ancient gods and strange spirits sing back responses. I only get worried when they stop talking.
Maybe you can repeat what the voices are saying and pass that on to Google translate.
You do remember what happens when you read the Necronomicon out loud? I want to avoid something like that.
Actually, I don’t know about the Necronomicon. My horror education is lacking, but I’m trying to remedy that. In any case, thank you for holding back whatever evil stuff might be trying to escape.
What if they stop singing?
Sssshhhhhh.
Layered in the following sequence: (1) normal schmeer portion, (2) capers (so they embed in the cream cheese and don’t roll off), (3) thinly shaved red onion pieces (so it doesn’t overpower other flavors), (4) high quality lox, (5) beefsteak tomato slice (same circumference as bagel). Shalom from an omni-lingual WASP.
Your caper game is strong! I always find it annoying when they roll off, but your innovative process is something I’m going to try. Thank you!
Everything bagel, toasted. Onion and chive cream cheese. Bagel cut in half (I'm high maintenance when it comes to bagels).
I don’t think that’s high maintenance. You know what you like, that’s all. Keep on ordering your bagels your way.
I’m definitely a sesame-cream cheese-lox-capers-onions kinda guy.
Classic order. You were raised right.
☺️
He went Dunkin Donuts Schmear on you. The mishegoss!
Not a Dunkin regular, but aren’t they one of those places that gives you a tiny container of cream cheese for a self-schmear?
I’ve seen the side tub before but usually they just give you a bagel stuffed to the gills with cream cheese. An ungodly amount
While I don’t condone excessive cream cheesing, I’m glad to hear that Dunkin is taking a stand against the greater evil, self-schmear.
1. The straight mugging-priced lox and cream cheese. I love it everywhere, even when something’s off.
2. I’ve judged people for doing things I did seven seconds earlier. It’s some kind of disease.
3. I’d say he filled both roles nicely.
4. Zero inner monologue. I’m likely some kind of construct. Or maniac. Hopefully construct.
5. I’ll do that for Not Safe For Work. Awesome time, to any and all reading this. Nab it.
Toasted bagel with cream cheese is my order, but are Jewish delis much nicer in LA than in NYC?? This is such a pleasant conversation. To be perfectly honest it may very well be that the certified kosher places that I frequent tend to be a bit more...disdainful to the clientele.
This is a really tough question, Michael! Obviously, it's dangerous to generalize, but I'm going to do it anyway. I've found the LA bagel shops and delis to be more chatty because they're not as small and as busy as the NYC bagel shops and delis I went to when I lived there. That said, my local bagel place on Court Street in Brooklyn was awesome, and when things were slow I'd chat with the bagel guy. When they were busy, he knew my order. I ate way more bagels in those days. But that's a different matter. As for the vibe, I've usually found kosher places to be a lot less friendly, and sometimes disdainful. But I don't eat kosher very often.
My thinking is that it's because the economics for kosher places is somewhat more brutal (and because the clientele more often knows what they're getting into). Court Street in Brooklyn, you say? I hang around there quite a bit.
Your theory makes a lot of sense. I lived at Joralemon and Court, from 2000 to 2003. I recall a kosher pizza place I didn’t love. And a bagel place that was very slow. Not sure if they’re still there. The neighborhood has changed a lot. My law school is now next to a Sephora.
Well I sure know your law school! I teach on Pierrepont.
I know your school! How long have you been teaching there?
A decade, pretty much.
Love this essay! This guy was messing with your head :) Hey and btw, I was walking my dog this morning on a block where we don’t usually go, and behold! Strike signs on someone’s porch!!! Awesome talking the other day, and look forward to more from you!
Hi Jude! Awesome meeting you too! It's so funny you mentioned the signs on the porch, that's this Wednesday's story!
Oh awesome! Cannot wait to read.
Toasted sesame w plain spread over here please.
What I want to discuss is this thing where a lot of people seem to be eating bagels with cream cheese all the time. Like, every day.
I would love to do this but if I did I would weigh like 400 pounds yesterday. I don’t understand how others pull this off. What is going on.
You're asking the right questions! How are they eating all these bagels? What's their secret? How can I learn their ways?
You know, I know a "Bagel Ambassador" in NYC. He does bagel tours and is the guy who put me in touch with Alex the Bagel Roller. He eats bagels ALL THE TIME and is still super cute and in great shape. Maybe he can share his tips on this EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TOPIC.
I think the answer is in your response. Alex burns A LOT of calories rolling bagels, far more than I burn writing about them.
My voices about food and family are usually in Spanish or Flemish. My voices about sex, drugs, and politics are usually in English.
That's so fascinating! I'm guessing Spanish and Flemish were what you spoke at home?
Yeah, mostly Flemish with a few words for food in Spanish. I only started properly speaking Spanish a few years ago.
Ah! Bagels…beautiful crisp rounds covered in classic cheese, a slice of tomato, a bit of coarse salt. Perfection! 😋
Yum.
Todo panecillo con queso de vegetales por favor!
(1) Everything + chive/onion + salmon (2) Blueberry seems at least a misdemeanor (3) Bagel guy just has the notice me gene AKA loud talker on the train (4) midwestern english
Blueberry might be a felony in some states.
Maybe a story in there somewhere (food sins). Mandatory minimums for bagel infractions? I remember during my "in-the-office" days, it was bad form not to get the real bagels (like onion & everything) wrapped separately in order to not impact the Midwestern penchant for the cinnamon crunch
Real cream cheese, thick schmear, though not as thick as your Jewfro. None of that whipped stuff.
People who get the flavored stuff are welcome to it. I don't care.
He was messing with you, but he might be a maniac, too.