Like you, Michael, I was worried that I have no post-apocalypse skilkset. Then I read the most horrifying line in your essay—the one in which you suggest that after the big breakdown there will be no hummus! Would anyone want to live in a world without hummus? Doubtful. But then I realized my post-apoc skill! I can, and have, made a kick-ass hummus. So now I can breathe easier knowing I’ll have something to barter for toilet paper if the need ever arises.
There’s a play about the apocalypse, where a traveling theater troupe performs episodes of The Simpsons live with fake commercials to help people cope. I’d join that troupe, maybe writing the fake ads, directing the performances, and/or playing Milhouse.
My plan: gather up as many dried herbs as I can take and sell them as “medicine.” I’ll be going for full-on witch/healer. I realize this also risks burning at the stake, but I’m already practicing my soothing Glinda voice. BTW, I think journalists will be shot on sight unless they’re undercover.
Yes, I need at least one tome to consult — as we descend into a land of illiteracy, I can consult the lore of the ancients, mumble, mumble, toil and trouble. Otherwise, gotta keep that backpack light :-)
HAAAA!!! I am tempted to clip art shop my own Substack Badge: Michael Estrin Approved! You are very funny & I just feel lucky to be in the Normie Penalty Box. 🥸🙏🏻 To your golden rule question: “This aggression will not stand, man!” Seems like a SOLID contender! Then again, you could handily write The Tao of Lebowski! (Where can I preorder?!?!) 😉
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!! I also have a tasty “Overheard” to contribute to Notes in a bit. I would seriously buy a book of those, too! Maybe with illustrations? We are gonna need a bigger Substack…
A clean butthole is truly a primary Hallmark of civilization. The first walled city-states probably came about in an effort to conserve dried papyrus for the royal bungholes cuz you know that stuff don't grow on trees!
I'm with Allison. I get bitchy and twitchy if the power goes out for a day. I always hope I'd be in the incineration zone of a nuclear bomb. There's a Space Force base a few towns away so a girl can dream.
I always talk about gardening, sewing, crocheting and knitting as "working on my post-apocalyptic skill-set" but I'd definitely be a cook and a storyteller. I could probably do both at the same time. I think I should get really into foraging to round things out, though.
I really like Robert Brockway's Carrier Wave for an indie underground novel that's a different flavor of apocalypse. Highly recommend it.
I need to check out Carrier Wave. Also, there’s a space force base nearby?! Wow. But also, you not only have a good chance of being taken out in the first wave of an apocalypse, you also have an excellent chance of being taken out early in the event of an alien invasion.
As I read this, I realized why I am not a big fan of apocalypse stories. Growing up in 50s, the possibility seemed all too real. I not only did the duck and cover in school, stopped and counted every time the local fire alarm went off to ensure it was only a fire, not a nuclear blast, but my best friend had a bomb shelter in her basement (reinforced small room where they stored canned goods and she had her first kiss.) And my very first short story, written when I was about eight, was about a girl (me) in a shelter with my younger brother (fictional) tapping out morse code and hoping that somewhere, somehow someone else in the world had survived. Now, I am a generally upbeat, happy, write cozies sort of person, and I am wondering if most of my life has been spent trying to counter that rather bleak early view of the world. Anyway, no, there is absolutely no better rule than the golden one. As usual, thanks for the piece, got me out of the zombie before tea's caffeine has hit my nervous system state I was in.
I love this perspective! Thank you! Given your feelings you might really want to avoid Fallout, or watch it because it could be cathartic. I say that because it’s set in an alternative 1950s where the Cold War was hot. The madness of nukes as well as the promise of nuclear energy are very much at the heart of the story.
One thing your comment reminded me of. I sorta divide the genre into two schools. One school is cyclical. It seems to believe that people will always want to burn civilization down. In many of those stories you see the worst of humans but there really is no hope, nothing to fight for. I’m usually not a fan of those. The other school is often about people fighting to save / rebuild civilization. I tend to like those stories. World War Z, my favorite, is actually an oral history of how humanity came through a zombie apocalypse. It’s hopeful and it has a lot to say about the present (zombies are a metaphor for climate change in the book).
1. I have to hand in my misanthrope card, because organizing anyone that hasn't sprinted into raiding is priority one. Especially given how quickly the raiders might clump together.
2. I've got a lot of respect for the sheer ambition in Riddley Walker. The Stand gets the same credit, though more for scope than insane language games. That said, I have to give it to Seveneve's lunatic depiction of an attempt to survive in space, and the fascinating results. I can't really summarize it without spoiling it to the core.
3. It's a free omen. If you nail it three times in a row, the apocalypse is upon us.
4. This summons only went out today. You'll have to send it back in time if you want faster results.
5. Not to tip my fanboy hand too much, but "Don't Panic" will get you through life much saner, safer, and happier. I'm only really invested in the last one.
I LOVED Seveneves! It’s where I tell people to start with Neal Stephenson. Impossible to summarize without spoiling, but describing page one is usually enough to get a friend to give it a try.
Hahaha. Should I admit that, in all seriousness, I have a recent medical diagnosis that it seems may tie my to a rather costly pharmaceutical, and among the concerns that have crossed my mind is the way that completely changes my plans for apocalypse survival? 🤣 But your change from TP mafia to cult leader gives me hope. I just need to reassess everything. Thanks for this. I needed a good laugh on my Sunday morning.
I’m always glad to provide laughs and perspective. If it was in my power Situation Normal would also offer a kickass pharmaceutical benefits package with zero co-pay.
I can’t spell toilet 🚽 . I want it to be toliet. But there won’t be any working ones post ground zero. So, what will we all do with the non functioning porcelain thrones? Who knows!? I hope to be eaten first. I can’t run fast or see anything without contact lenses or eyeglasses. Suffice to say; I’m toast.
I wrote about the 30 days of hell leading up to the time that I was told to wait longer inside of the house I could not leave as some sort of joke; it became a bestseller. My late friend was a literal joke-writer for two comedians and always said your funniest moments are often your most harrowing ones.
My plan is very simple:
1) Bottle of Xanax
2) Endless mimosas
3) Bingewatch Lord of the Rings until 1 and 2 do their work.
Otherwise I just know I'm going to end up in the basement of The Road.
If the choice is between your plan and that basement in the The Road, I’ll take your plan six days a week and twice on Sunday.
Or, and this is just a thought, you could be the guy yelling "LOOKS LIKE MEAT IS BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS!!!"
Haha! Too many bros in that group for me. Pass the Xanax and pour me a mimosa.
I have always told my partner that when I am dying I need the music of Rohan in my ears. So I like your plan.
Works for me!
Like you, Michael, I was worried that I have no post-apocalypse skilkset. Then I read the most horrifying line in your essay—the one in which you suggest that after the big breakdown there will be no hummus! Would anyone want to live in a world without hummus? Doubtful. But then I realized my post-apoc skill! I can, and have, made a kick-ass hummus. So now I can breathe easier knowing I’ll have something to barter for toilet paper if the need ever arises.
Now to start stockpiling chick-peas.
You could be the hummus king of the apocalypse! I see great things in your future.
You don't need TP if you install a bidet.
I like that you plan on having running water in the apocalypse. I’m staying with you, OK?
We have a well. And installing rain water tanks.
You are set!
Only the elite among us will have bidets. Toilet paper is for plebs.
I have a bidet. Every home here does. Not elite.
More people don’t have bidets that do have them. I have seen a few people with modified seats but never the solitary one beside the toilet.
Most people on earth clean their asses outside of northern Europe and north America. TP just wipes the filth around. Not clean.
Maybe where you are from but in the global south bidets and toilet hoses are normal.
There’s a play about the apocalypse, where a traveling theater troupe performs episodes of The Simpsons live with fake commercials to help people cope. I’d join that troupe, maybe writing the fake ads, directing the performances, and/or playing Milhouse.
You’re making great choices! One note: add a few more minor characters into your repertoire. I think that’ll make you more employable.
My plan: gather up as many dried herbs as I can take and sell them as “medicine.” I’ll be going for full-on witch/healer. I realize this also risks burning at the stake, but I’m already practicing my soothing Glinda voice. BTW, I think journalists will be shot on sight unless they’re undercover.
I like the witch plan. Some advice: maybe loot your local library for some books on herbs and alternative medicines, level-up your witchcraft.
Yes, I need at least one tome to consult — as we descend into a land of illiteracy, I can consult the lore of the ancients, mumble, mumble, toil and trouble. Otherwise, gotta keep that backpack light :-)
1. Digeridoo Player. With a sign saying “Will Play Until You Feed Me.”
2. The Stand. But only because it’s the only post-apocalyptic novel I’ve ever read. Movie: Book of Eli.
3. I rarely misspell a word, but when I do it’s an easy one.
4. It’s not my genre, but on your rec, I’ll see it.
5. Nope. It’s the best rule ever.
The digeridoo line made me laugh out loud. That instrument is always a threat. Also, The Stand is so good!
Same, digeri-don't!
Digeridoo! Haha.
I own a small one, but am forbidden to play it.
HAAAA!!! I am tempted to clip art shop my own Substack Badge: Michael Estrin Approved! You are very funny & I just feel lucky to be in the Normie Penalty Box. 🥸🙏🏻 To your golden rule question: “This aggression will not stand, man!” Seems like a SOLID contender! Then again, you could handily write The Tao of Lebowski! (Where can I preorder?!?!) 😉
PLEASE make that badge!
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!! I also have a tasty “Overheard” to contribute to Notes in a bit. I would seriously buy a book of those, too! Maybe with illustrations? We are gonna need a bigger Substack…
A clean butthole is truly a primary Hallmark of civilization. The first walled city-states probably came about in an effort to conserve dried papyrus for the royal bungholes cuz you know that stuff don't grow on trees!
It’s all about the royal bunghole.
As ever
I can grow food, raise chickens, use a gun, have a well, save rainwater, and getting solar.
An apocalypse polymath!
Do you have a YouTube channel?
I'm with Allison. I get bitchy and twitchy if the power goes out for a day. I always hope I'd be in the incineration zone of a nuclear bomb. There's a Space Force base a few towns away so a girl can dream.
I always talk about gardening, sewing, crocheting and knitting as "working on my post-apocalyptic skill-set" but I'd definitely be a cook and a storyteller. I could probably do both at the same time. I think I should get really into foraging to round things out, though.
I really like Robert Brockway's Carrier Wave for an indie underground novel that's a different flavor of apocalypse. Highly recommend it.
I need to check out Carrier Wave. Also, there’s a space force base nearby?! Wow. But also, you not only have a good chance of being taken out in the first wave of an apocalypse, you also have an excellent chance of being taken out early in the event of an alien invasion.
Now I'm imagining flying down I-93 southbound while all of Boston is clogging up the northbound lanes, yelling, "Lord, take me now!"
I'm with you. I'd like to be in the incineration zone.
As I read this, I realized why I am not a big fan of apocalypse stories. Growing up in 50s, the possibility seemed all too real. I not only did the duck and cover in school, stopped and counted every time the local fire alarm went off to ensure it was only a fire, not a nuclear blast, but my best friend had a bomb shelter in her basement (reinforced small room where they stored canned goods and she had her first kiss.) And my very first short story, written when I was about eight, was about a girl (me) in a shelter with my younger brother (fictional) tapping out morse code and hoping that somewhere, somehow someone else in the world had survived. Now, I am a generally upbeat, happy, write cozies sort of person, and I am wondering if most of my life has been spent trying to counter that rather bleak early view of the world. Anyway, no, there is absolutely no better rule than the golden one. As usual, thanks for the piece, got me out of the zombie before tea's caffeine has hit my nervous system state I was in.
I love this perspective! Thank you! Given your feelings you might really want to avoid Fallout, or watch it because it could be cathartic. I say that because it’s set in an alternative 1950s where the Cold War was hot. The madness of nukes as well as the promise of nuclear energy are very much at the heart of the story.
One thing your comment reminded me of. I sorta divide the genre into two schools. One school is cyclical. It seems to believe that people will always want to burn civilization down. In many of those stories you see the worst of humans but there really is no hope, nothing to fight for. I’m usually not a fan of those. The other school is often about people fighting to save / rebuild civilization. I tend to like those stories. World War Z, my favorite, is actually an oral history of how humanity came through a zombie apocalypse. It’s hopeful and it has a lot to say about the present (zombies are a metaphor for climate change in the book).
Okay. I will definitely NOT be watching Fallout.
Post-Apocalyptic humorist is my only resume item.
1. I have to hand in my misanthrope card, because organizing anyone that hasn't sprinted into raiding is priority one. Especially given how quickly the raiders might clump together.
2. I've got a lot of respect for the sheer ambition in Riddley Walker. The Stand gets the same credit, though more for scope than insane language games. That said, I have to give it to Seveneve's lunatic depiction of an attempt to survive in space, and the fascinating results. I can't really summarize it without spoiling it to the core.
3. It's a free omen. If you nail it three times in a row, the apocalypse is upon us.
4. This summons only went out today. You'll have to send it back in time if you want faster results.
5. Not to tip my fanboy hand too much, but "Don't Panic" will get you through life much saner, safer, and happier. I'm only really invested in the last one.
I LOVED Seveneves! It’s where I tell people to start with Neal Stephenson. Impossible to summarize without spoiling, but describing page one is usually enough to get a friend to give it a try.
Yeah, the first page stands alone as far as sci-fi openers go. Aspirational, really.
Hahaha. Should I admit that, in all seriousness, I have a recent medical diagnosis that it seems may tie my to a rather costly pharmaceutical, and among the concerns that have crossed my mind is the way that completely changes my plans for apocalypse survival? 🤣 But your change from TP mafia to cult leader gives me hope. I just need to reassess everything. Thanks for this. I needed a good laugh on my Sunday morning.
I’m always glad to provide laughs and perspective. If it was in my power Situation Normal would also offer a kickass pharmaceutical benefits package with zero co-pay.
I can’t spell toilet 🚽 . I want it to be toliet. But there won’t be any working ones post ground zero. So, what will we all do with the non functioning porcelain thrones? Who knows!? I hope to be eaten first. I can’t run fast or see anything without contact lenses or eyeglasses. Suffice to say; I’m toast.
This comment is perfect!
I wrote about the 30 days of hell leading up to the time that I was told to wait longer inside of the house I could not leave as some sort of joke; it became a bestseller. My late friend was a literal joke-writer for two comedians and always said your funniest moments are often your most harrowing ones.
Your friend was 100% on the money.
Since my friends with sailboats have sold theirs, I'd steal one and head off to some South Pacific island that never heard of the apocalypse.
Alternately, trade all the old paperbacks in my garage to people who can no longer read on their kindles or need them to use as toilet paper.
Both plans seem solid!