24 Predictions for 2024
These things will happen, mark my words!
Hello and welcome! I’m Michael Estrin. I write Situation Normal for people who take their humor with a side of humanity and a dash of insight. (Read to the end for a picture of Mortimer, the hardest working dog in the newsletter game🐶)
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OK, enough money-talk. Time to predict the future!
24 predictions for 2024
During the final yoga class of 2023, our teacher encouraged us to set an intention. I intended to eat a breakfast burrito after class, but somehow I knew that wasn’t what the yoga teacher meant. So I went with a different intention—to close out the year on a strong note.
And I did!
I was yoga-strong.
Then, I was burrito-strong.
And when I returned home, I saw that I was prediction-strong.
You see, while I was busy getting my yoga on and then my burrito on, a few situation normies were reading my 23 predictions for 2023. Like all good Nostradamus impersonators, I began that post by covering my own ass with the usual boilerplate warnings:
Predictions should only be used for entertainment purposes.
Don’t bet money on this stuff.
Don’t even think about making important life decisions based on some “predictions” a funny writer
literallyfiguratively pulled out of his butt.
Well, here’s the thing. We should’ve taken those predictions to a Las Vegas casino, because if we had bet on my predictions, we’d all be trillionaires.
I’m not kidding.
All but one of my 2023 predictions came true.
Let me rephrase that: I can see the future, people!
That’s why I’m not dicking around with the usual boilerplate warnings this year. You want to read this for entertainment purposes only, be my guest. But if you want to bet on this stuff, well, I hope you like money, because it’s gonna rain money on you forever.
These things will happen, mark my words👇
You’ll recycle, but you’ll continue to draw the line at reducing and reusing.
You’ll put way too much cream cheese on a bagel, and it’ll be worth it.
After enjoying dozens of episodes of the Situation Normal podcast, you’ll finally remember to rate and review it.
You’ll go to IKEA for some dish towels, but leave with a new living room set.
The price of your streaming services will go up. You’ll rage-cancel, then after a few days without those streaming services, you’ll renew at higher prices.
You’ll vote, but only because you want the sticker.
No matter which mapping app you use, you’ll find yourself trying to make an impossible lefthand turn onto a busy street, without the aid of a traffic light.
You’ll receive more spam phone calls than real phone calls.
No matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to keep up with the Kardashians.
Your printer will jam.
Despite widespread grumbling, Congress won’t even hold a hearing about reversing the day light savings policy.
Someone will cut you off. You’ll honk, maybe even flip them the bird, but they’ll continue driving like a total asshole.
Even though we fought a revolution to cast off the yoke of monarchy, Burger King will remain popular with Americans.
A stranger will knock on your door to sell you solar, but you’ll pass because a door-to-door salesperson is a huge red flag in the 21st century.
Widespread speculation about AI taking your job will continue, but at no point will any of the tech bros who preach the gospel of disruption pitch an AI to replace CEOs.
You’ll continue to receive notifications that your friends are on Threads, but when you finally check you’ll see that they only signed up because they heard you were on Threads.
There will be another Star Wars show and the internet will have strong feelings about it.
Your friend who touts that virtues of a Paleo diet will fall off the wagon into a platter of nachos.
You’ll sneeze, someone will say “bless you,” but they won’t really mean it.
After a rough day, you will seek comfort from a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich, and that will basically do the trick.
An important message will contain an ambiguous emoji, but you won’t text—or god forbid call—to clarify because that would be weird.
You’ll misplace your keys, but after a long, frustrating search you’ll find them in an obvious place—your pocket.
You’ll ask for Coke, but your waiter will tell you that they only carry Pepsi products, and you’ll be fine with that.
Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Am I the modern answer to Nostradamus? If so, is there any money in that? Explain!
How many of my predictions will come true? Place your bets!
Number twenty-three is blank, but I predict you’ll have have a prediction for 2024. Share!
Why do printers always jam, and when will someone train an AI to fix printer jams? Share your answers (and your printer horror stories)!
Coke and Pepsi are the same thing, right? Drop some soda knowledge!
Can YOU ask ME a question?
Yes, please do! I love hearing from Situation Normal readers. Ask me (almost) anything, and I’ll answer your question in a future issue of Situation Normal.
Email me at michaelestrin@substack.com
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Ride/Share: Micro Stories of Soul, Wit and Wisdom from the Backseat is a collection of my Lyft driver stories🚗🗣
Not Safe for Work is a slacker noir novel based on my experiences covering the adult entertainment industry💋🍑🍆🕵️♂️
The ebook versions of my books are priced between 99 cents and $2.99, so if you don’t have the budget for a Situation Normal subscription, buying an ebook is a great way to support my work. Bonus: you’ll laugh your butt off!
Last thing…
23. You will wander the fluorescent lit aisles of CVS at some ungodly hour and never find what you came in for. And you have to trudge to the registers to ask for help because only one person is working. And they will tell you the wrong number aisle to find your product. You will huff and puff and curse under your breath and walk very slowly and STILL miss said merchandise. It will be obscurely at the bottom of a display on an end cap and somehow not in stock.
you know damn well coke and pepsi are not the same thing this feels like a setup and i'm falling right in but idc coke is good pepsi is bad, coke zero is god's work, pepsi idk what their zero is even called but its yuck, coke hits you with the bite of a thousand snakes pepsi gently nudges you
one is great and the other feels like waiting in line for a show you don't even want to go to but you're going cuz your friend asked and you felt bad so you said fine but it sucks and the only thing that'd make it better is a fresh bottle of CZ