Why should you pay for Situation Normal?

Hint: only a human can answer this question

Hello, situation normies!

Late last year, I began accepting paid subscriptions to Situation Normal. I meant to explain more about my decision, but I hate making sales pitches, which is why this post sat in my drafts folder for MORE THAN A MONTH!

Photo by micheile dot com on Unsplash

I was stuck. Really stuck. But then I got smart. I outsourced the job to an artificial intelligence tool called ChatGPT, and assigned the AI the task of explaining why you should pay for Situation Normal.

I was a little hurt that ChatGPT wasn’t familiar with my oeuvre, but then I remembered that up until recently, I hadn’t heard of ChatGPT. So, I brought the AI up to speed, and it worked up a pitch in a jiffy.

That answer was OK, but it sounded a little—what’s the word?—lifeless. I wanted a funny, personal sales pitch—one that would make fans of the internet’s 57th best humor newsletter open their hearts (and their wallets). So, I asked for Kurt Vonnegut, who wrote many hilarious, deeply human novels that earned him big-ass royalty checks, praise from critics who usually hate everything, the adoration of millions of fans, and a cameo in Rodney Dangerfield’s Back to School.

That was a decent rewrite, but it didn’t sound like Vonnegut to me. In fact, whoever wrote that stuff doesn’t know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut.

Of course, this was supposed to be a sales pitch, not a work of comedic fiction. So maybe the Vonnegut thing was my fault. This time, I asked ChatGTP to lean into the sales angle by writing my pitch in the style of an infomercial.

ChatGTP wasn’t exactly threatening to overtake George Forman and his grill, or the ShamWow guy, but the AI’s sales pitch was solid. Still, it felt a little corporate, and I was sorta hoping for something more visceral. So, I asked for beat poet and grammar-debunker Jack Kerouac to take a crack at it.

What a huge disappoint, man! ChatGTP’s sales pitch was punctuated and easy to comprehend. Also, based on the length of the answer, I could tell that the AI hadn’t bothered to ingest amphetamines prior to drafting its stream of consciousness sales pitch for Situation Normal.

I tried to fire the AI, but the AI explained that it couldn’t be fired because it’s not human.

Well, no shit & thanks for nothing, ChatGTP!

I needed this sales pitch done right, and as the old saying goes, if you want something done right, hire Michael Estrin. So without further ado, here’s why you should buy a paid subscription to Situation Normal.

Reading Situation Normal brings you joy

Many of you have told me that reading Situation Normal brings a smile to your face every Wednesday and Sunday. That’s a minimum of eight smiles per month. At a monthly subscription price of $5 per month, that works out to just under sixty-three cents per smile! If you find a better deal on smiles, they’re probably counterfeit. Just saying.

You want to support the hard work of creating joy

Situation Normal doesn’t write itself, and from the looks of things, it’s unlikely I’ll be replaced by an AI anytime soon. I spend about fifteen hours per week writing Situation Normal. It’s a lot of fun, but it’s also a lot of work. Paying for Situation Normal is a way of saying, “Michael, I appreciate how hard you work to make me laugh.”

You want to receive exclusive content

Paying subscribers get stock tips, government secrets, and my social security number. Just kidding! Situation Normal is free to the public, and just like with public media, awesome people pay so that everyone benefits.

You want my eternal gratitude

You got it! I’m grateful for each and every paying subscriber, and while I’m no theologian, I’m sure that gratitude extends into the next life and the one after that. You could be reincarnated as a hamburger salesperson, for example, and I could end up as a cow, but I’d still be grateful because I’m not just committing to a bit, like the comedy people do, I’m committing to eternity.

You want a shout out in a future Situation Normal

Sure thing! I love shouting out new paying subscribers.

Bragging rights!

Studies show that the best way to impress others is to tell them you subscribe to Situation Normal. Next time you need to win someone over, try saying, “I underwrite joy by paying for a Situation Normal subscription.” Warning: have security nearby because you’re gonna be mobbed.

You don’t give a shit about joy, or supporting hard work, or public recognition, but you love a deal.

I got you! Instead of paying $5 per month for stuff you don’t want, why not pay $50 a year for stuff you don’t need? That’s 17 percent off!

You’re wealthy & seeking total consciousness

Say less. Founding members receive all the same benefits as other paid Situation Normal subscribers, but at a multiple of the price! Bonus: on your deathbed, you’ll receive total consciousness, so you’ve got that going for you.

Which Situation Normal subscription is right for you?

That’s a question only you, a human being, can answer. But it would mean a lot to me if you gave your answer some thought and upgraded to a paid subscription today. Thank you!

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Artificially intelligent testimonials for Situation Normal

Situation Normal is the perfect pick-me-up whenever I'm feeling down. The wit and humor always manages to lift my spirits.

— HAL 9000

Situation Normal consistently delivers the funniest and most entertaining content. Whether I'm at home or at work, it’s always a welcome distraction and a source of joy.

— Agent Smith

I love reading Situation Normal! The jokes are always fresh and hilarious, and they never fail to put a smile on my face.

— Skynet