Vigilance outside the Omega Mart restroom
Welcome to Situation Normal, a weekly newsletter of slice of life stories!
At first glance, the Omega Mart looks like a typical grocery store. But upon closer inspection, one sees that the Meow Wolf art installation is actually a commentary on consumerism. How else to explain the products for sale?
I lost track of time exploring the aisles of the Omega Mart.
A cereal called “Oh Those,” caught my eye. If the copy on the box is to be believed, Oh Those are the “original junk food.” But that’s advertising, and advertising is a fancy word for lies. Here’s the truth: a single-celled organism that’s a distant cousin to the gummy worm is actually the original junk food. It comes in two flavors: carbon and passion fruit.
In the produce section, I marveled at the “aspirational carrots.” I don’t know what they aspired to be, but I wished them good luck on their journey. The avocados, on the other hand, left me feeling indecisive. They came in two varieties!
“Fresh Avokoidos” for people who want their avocado toast ASAP and have zero time to worry about spelling.
“Lucky Avocados” for those punks who are feeling lucky enough to drop $77.77 on a fruit genetically engineered to spoil the moment anyone says, “guacamole.”
While perusing the BBQ sauce selection, things turned political. A product called “Freedom Glaze” in a red, white, and blue bottle, promised 12 fluid ounces of “smokey mesquite vigilance.”
Vigilance against what, I wondered? The sloppy cultural appropriation of the “Hot Hot Yellow Mustard” one shelf down? While the “new and improved Caribbean Fiesta font” struck me as problematic, the sauce still boasted its “Classic Thickness!”1
What about the “Wake Up Pard’Ner” mango bbq sauce? It says it right there on the bottle: “trouble ahead!” Plus, if the Old West gunslinger aiming his pistol at the consumer isn’t a sign that we must remain vigilant, I don’t know what is.
As I shopped for cleaning supplies, I tried to remain vigilant, even if I wasn’t sure where exactly to direct my vigilance. Then I noticed a display for “Ego Echo” glass cleaner, and I began to worry that my vigilance was actually self-indulgence in disguise.
“Is there a bathroom in this place?” I asked my wife.
“There’s gotta be,” she said, “it’s a store.”
Then she headed for the frozen food section, where it was rumored that customers who walked through the freezer doors disappeared into a surreal wonderland.2
“Hang on, buddy,” said a man wearing a Kansas City Chiefs jersey. “There’s a woman in there because that one is closed for cleaning.”
The man pointed to the women’s restroom. There was one of those yellow janitorial signs blocking the door.
“No problem,” I said.
A woman turned the corner, then frowned when she saw the janitorial sign.
“Ma’am, you can use the men’s room,” Chiefs Fan said. “There’s another woman in there, so just knock and announce yourself as you enter. I told her I’d watch the door.”
“Such a gentlemen,” the woman said. “I wish my husband would do that for me.”
The woman knocked, announced herself, then entered the men’s room.
“She’s not my wife,” Chiefs Fan explained. “A woman just asked me to watch the door. I guess she really had to go, so I said sure, OK, I’ll stand guard.”
“That was kind of you.”
Chiefs Fan shrugged like it was no big deal.
“It’s one of those restrooms with one urinal and two toilet stalls,” Chiefs Fan said. “That’s why I let the other woman in.”
“I get it.”
He changed the subject to the Chiefs. I pretended to care about the Chiefs, the poor play that cost them the Super Bowl last year, and the team’s chances for gridiron redemption in 2021. Then another man came to use the restroom, and Chiefs Fan explained the situation.
“Women,” the man grunted. “I guess this is equality, huh.”
Then the man looked at the men’s room door and said in a disgusted tone, “to hell with this.” Maybe he was disgusted at these two particular women, or women in general. Maybe he was one of those angry people who gets his kicks turning restrooms into gender-based political wedge issues. Or, maybe he just couldn’t stand the sight of Chiefs Fan practicing human decency disguised as chivalry. Honestly, I don’t know what the man’s deal was because he turned around and walked away.
“I guess that’s what I’m supposed to guard against,” Chiefs Fan said. “Guys like that are real assholes, and they’re everywhere.”
“Stay vigilant, pard’ner.”
Thanks for reading! I’ll be back next week with another story. Meantime, if my stories bring you joy, share them with your friends and make sure to subscribe (it’s free)!
And if you really want to go the extra mile to support this kind of storytelling, pick up a copy of Ride / Share, a collection of micro stories about my experiences with Lyft drivers.
Some things are sacred.
I can confirm that those rumors are true, but I urge you to visit Las Vegas and see what’s behind the freezer for yourself.