The barber who quit acid for Lent
and other miracles
I love talking to barbers, but I hate getting haircuts. It’s a minor paradox in my life, but unlike my curls, I’ve never bothered to untangle it. Point is, I got my first haircut of 2024. The results were good, but the conversation was better.
“You got a real Jerry Garcia vibe,” the barber said. “Great hair.”
My barber was Alice. She had a raspy smoker’s voice. Her hair color was somewhere between a ruby and a carrot. A gold cross dangled from her neck.
“Thanks! I need it to be more Francis Ford Coppola, but not Apocalypse Now Coppola. Too wild. Think: Godfather Coppola.”
“Great flicks. You a writer?”
“Yeah, but not that kind of writer.”
“What do you write?”
“Whatever my clients need. Plus, a humor newsletter. And novels.”
“Novels? Any chance you write historical romance? I love that stuff.”
“I wish. There’s good money in old flames.”
“I listen to the audiobooks. I know that’s cheating, but I can’t help it. I’m probably dyslexic. Back when I was in school they just said you were slow.”
“Audiobooks aren’t cheating. They’re just another way to access the story. I’ll bet you listen to way more audiobooks in a year than what you used to read.”
“Oh yeah. I used to read one book every decade. Now, I listen to fifty books a year.”
“Be proud of that. You’re a book person now. You’re supporting writers. That’s a good thing.”
Alice stopped cutting my hair, put her hands on her hips, and found my eyes in the mirror.
“You got a way of reframing things. I like that. My friend wanted me to give up audiobooks for Lent. Because of all the sex scenes. I like it spicy. But I also like learning about history. Is that wrong?”
“No. It’s great. If people didn’t have sex, history would be a very short story.”
Alice laughed, then went back to cutting my hair.
“I gave up smoking instead. Cold turkey. It started out rough, but I feel better now. I can breathe.”
“That’s awesome. I’m proud of you. What did your friend give up for Lent?”
“Triscuits.”
“Triscuits? That’s bullshit. I gave up Triscuits in the nineties because they suck.”
“I know! I told him to give up margaritas.”
“Better. But margaritas leaves a lot loopholes. He could just drink a beer.”
“I always try to give up something tough. Like one year, I quit dropping acid. That was tough. I loved acid. But it was for the best. I was out of my mind on acid, sitting in a parked car, when a cop knocked on the window.”
“Yikes.”
“I had to talk to him for like twenty minutes, but it felt like an eternity. The sun was setting behind him. Beautiful Los Angeles sunset. Orange and red because of the smog and the dust. I would’ve enjoyed the sunset, but the cop… bad vibes.”
“What happened?”
“The cop’s face kept melting, like his head was made out of Velveeta cheese.”
“Did you get arrested?”
“No, no. I just told him I was enjoying the sunset, listening to the radio in my car, because my stereo had been stolen. That was actually true. Someone had broken into my apartment and stolen my stereo. Probably to buy drugs.”
“But you got out of that situation OK?”
“Jesus got me out of it. That’s why I promised him I’d quit acid for Lent. That was back in the eighties, and I haven’t done acid since. Although, sometimes I get flashbacks, which are nice. Is that cheating?”
“I don’t think so. You can’t control those. But maybe you should check with your priest. I’m not a priest.”
“You’re better than my priest. He just makes me feel guilty. You’ve got good answers. I’ll bet you’re one of those people who can solve anything.”
“I dunno. Try me. Tell me your problems.”
“Debt. I owe thirty grand in student loans.”
“What did you study?”
“It was a business program. I got great grades, but they wouldn’t give me a degree because I couldn’t pass the typing class. Who types these days?”
Typing? For a business program? That sounded fishy to me.
“Was it a for-profit school?”
“I dunno.”
“What was the name of the school?”
Alice told me the name. I took out my phone and Googled it. Google confirmed my suspicion: a for-profit college that had gone out of business.
“The whole thing feels like a scam, and I feel like a sucker.”
“You’re not a sucker, but you may be in luck. The Biden administration…”
Alice cut me off.
“I’m not political.”
“That’s OK. There have been news stories about...”
“I don’t watch the news. Too depressing. I need a drink.”
“Me too. But it doesn’t matter. Here’s what matters: Biden might’ve forgiven your loans.”
“Can he do that?”
“That’s a longer question that involves the news. Here’s what you’re going to do, Alice. When you get home, log onto the Department of Education website. It’s possible your loans have been forgiven. But if not, you’re going to call the Department of Education and tell them what you told me. I can’t say for sure, but it sounds like you’re a great candidate for loan forgiveness.”
Alice dropped her scissors.
“You just changed me life,” she said. “Thirty grand. Gone.”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Check with the Department of Education. Promise me you’ll do that.”
“As soon as I get home. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I’d like to give you a free haircut, but… Floyd’s doesn’t let me do that. Store policy.”
“No worries. Render unto Floyd the things that are Floyd’s.”
“I can give you a coupon. Three dollars off your next cut.”
Alice reached into her pocket and handed me a coupon.
“Lousy deal for a miracle worker, huh?”
“That’s OK,” I said. “Like I told you, writing is my business. Miracles are just a side hustle.”
Did you know you can hire me?
True story! I’m an award-winning journalist (B2B & B2C, print & digital). I’ve helped hundreds of business leaders tell their stories. If you need storytelling help, hit me up. I’d love to jump on a Zoom with you!
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Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Triscuits are recycled cardboard, right?
What did you give up for Lent? Or, if you’re not Catholic, what’s something you gave up? Dish!
What’s the deal with people who shit on other people for enjoying audiobooks? Speak up!
Are acid flashbacks cheating, or is it all just one long, strange trip?
What if cops really were made of Velveeta cheese? Get weird with it!
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That made my day! I hope you find out if the loans are forgiven.
If you don’t have business cards that say “Michael Estrin: better an a priest” you’re doing it wrong. Although to be fair, Alice only said you’re better than her priest. She could just have a really bad one.
1: Triscuits are only good as a dip delivery vehicle. The crackers have a good size and since there’s a lot of texture to them, your dip of choice won’t side off. If you’re just eating plain triscuits, you’re probably a serial killer.
2: I gave up Catholicism years ago, despite my parents best efforts to make it stick.
3: I think the people who say audiobooks are cheating think that reading a book is a more active activity. You’re sitting there, you have to pay attention, you’re turning pages. If you’ve got an audiobook you can just press play and listen as much or as little as you like. It can be a passive activity. I don’t buy this, people should enjoy books in whatever format they like.