Telemarketer-in-chief

I'm not George Washington, but when a telemarketer calls I'm happy to pretend

The telemarketer says he’s looking for Martha.

“Martha Washington?” I ask.

“No, Martha Ramos.”

“That’s her maiden name. She married me and became a Washington.”

“And who are you?”

“George,” I say. “I’m George Washington.”

“Well, is Martha there?”

“Yes, but she’s quite busy brushing my wooden teeth at the moment.”

“Well, I'm calling to offer her a great deal on a mortgage refi.”

“Mortgage?”

“Yes, I see that she owns a property in Los Angeles.”

“Actually, it’s Mount Vernon, Virginia.”

“My mistake.”

“I’ll say.”

“Do you happen to know what your current interest rate is, George?”

“I don’t. Martha handled all the finances while I was away at war.”

“Are you a veteran, George?”

“Yes.”

“Well, first I’d like to thank you for your service. And second, I’d like to let you know that there are special programs for veterans.”

“My service is hardly worth mentioning. Martha bore the real brunt of my deployment.”

“I hear you. It must be tough to deploy overseas.”

“Overseas? Try spending a winter in Pennsylvania. My wooden teeth would not stop chattering. But I can’t complain. I lost a lot of good friends to typhoid and dysentery. We also ran out of food. I ended up eating my horse, which isn’t easy to do with wooden teeth.”

“Sir...”

“Yes.”

“I think you’re joking. I know you’re not George Washington.”

“You got me,” I sigh. “I cannot tell a lie. But I would like to talk about a refi, if that’s still on the table.”

“Great. What’s your real name? Let’s start with that.”

“Alex Hamilton.”

“And what do you do for a living, Mr. Hamilton?”

“I used to work in finance, but these days it’s all musical theater all the time.”

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Did you know you can hire me?

True story! I’m an award-winning journalist (B2B & B2C, print & digital), an op-ed ghostwriter who has helped hundreds of start-ups tell their stories, and a versatile copywriter who kicks ass and triple-checks the spelling of names. My bona fides are on LinkedIn. I recently launched Thought Partner to talk more about how companies and individuals can use thought leadership to make themselves heard over the noise. Maybe my services are what you’ve been looking for, or maybe there’s something else I can help with, such as:

• Fresh website copy that makes your professional story sing? ✅

• An editorial plan for your newsletter? ✅

• A creative project that would benefit from a fresh perspective? ✅

• A new bio that will make strangers think you’re interesting? ✅

• A menu for your new pizza parlor? 🍕

• A ransom note that needs a strong call to action 🚫

If it’s legal and if it falls under the heading of writing / storytelling, I can help. Email me at michael.j.estrin@gmail.com.

More Michael Estrin stories? Two books!

• Ride/Share: Micro Stories of Soul, Wit and Wisdom from the Backseat is a collection of my Lyft driver stories🚗🗣

• Not Safe for Work is a slacker noir novel based on my experiences covering the adult entertainment industry💋🍑🍆🕵️‍♂️

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Stick around and chat!

You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.

1. Who’s your favorite American President, and why is it Chester A. Arthur? Go deep (state)!

2. Why didn’t William Henry Harrison wear a coat and hat? Wrong answers only!

3. Has anyone ever bought anything from telemarketer? Explain!

4. Who made the mattress industry king of Presidents’ Day deals?

5. Any plans for the three-day weekend? Also, shouldn’t all weekends be three days?

Mortimer says he’d make a great mattress salesman, and to prove it, he got into our bed and told me to take this photo.

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