A tarot card reading for Marty Ackerman
Find out what's in the cards for a tarot skeptic
“Ask me why I’m dressed this way,” I say.
Christina looks me up and down.
“OK… why are you dressed that way?” Christina asks.
To set the scene, Christina is dressed to impress. It’s her birthday, and so she’s done her hair and make-up and put on one of her favorite dresses. I’m rocking a casual beach vibe—loud Hawaiian shirt, Jewfro picked out as far as it’ll go. In a few minutes, we’re both getting onto the same Zoom call for a tarot card reading, but as far as appearances go, we’re polar opposites. The fancy lady versus the beach bum. Sophisticated versus silly. Normal versus abnormal.
“I’m going undercover,” I say. “It’s a disguise, something to throw the tarot card lady off her game. You know, to see if she’s legit.”
Christina howls with laughter.
“So, you think that by wearing your Halloween costume, you’re going to, what, solve the case of the tarot card lady?”
“Exactly! Her whole thing is reading people. If she’s legit, she’ll see through my disguise. If she’s just pulling this stuff out of her ass, she’ll give me a reading for Marty Ackerman.”
“I see a show dog with fucking papers in your future, dude,” Christina teases.
“Laugh now,” I say, “but I’m going to solve this case.”
“What case?”
“The case of the tarot card lady.”
“I don’t think there’s a mystery here,” Christina says. “Eve has excellent reviews, so we booked her to do a reading for us and our friends.”
I wrap my arm around Christina’s waist and pull her close for a kiss. My wife is into mystical stuff like tarot, crystals, and magic spells. I dig that about her. I’m a skeptic with a goofy streak. She digs that me.
“You’re OK with this?” I ask. “Because if you want me to change, I can.”
“Baby, I love it weird.”
Ten minutes before seven, Christina logs onto Zoom to join Eve, the tarot card reader.
“Let’s get a read on the situation,” I say to Mortimer, my four-legged associate.
Hip to my game, Mortimer runs to his food bowl and whimpers. Good thinking, Mortimer. I can make you dinner while eavesdropping on the preliminaries.
To the untrained observer, it sounds like Eve and Christina are making the usual chit-chat. But Mortimer and I are pros, and as we listen, it’s clear that the information exchange is a one-way street. Christina gives, and Eve takes.
After a few minutes, friends begin to join the Zoom call. Unfortunately, nature calls for my associate, so we duck out to take care of business.
“Watch,” I say, “all that information Christina gave her is going to be repackaged into the reading.”
Mortimer signals his agreement by peeing on a cactus.
“You’re right,” I say, “this case could be a prickly one.”
Mortimer finishes, looks up at me for a game plan, and a treat.
“My theory on tarot card readers is they’re like mushrooms,” I say, echoing a line from one of my associate’s favorite movies, The Departed.
“Feed ‘em shit and keep ‘em in the dark,” Mortimer says, completing the line.
Eve walks us through her process. Since this is a Zoom reading, she’ll have to pull the cards on our behalf.
“I’ll use my non-dominant hand,” she explains. “That way, the choice isn’t mine, it’s yours.”
I make a mental note, not because I doubt Eve’s powers, but because I want to apply her logic the next time my non-dominant hand reaches for a cookie.
Eve goes on to explain that she’s a psychic and a medium and that she uses her powers to read the tarot cards. But, she says, this isn’t about predicting the future.
“We’d all love to know who’s going to win the Super Bowl,” Eve says, “but that’s not what this is. Readings provide guidance. It’s about insight and clarity, not predicting the future.”
Got it. Heavy on the soul-searching, but no Back to the Future II sports betting shit. Probably safer that way, lest we end up in some dystopian alternate future where a broke-dick, morally bankrupt casino mogul calls the shots.
“Who wants to go first?”
Our friend Adam volunteers. I’ve known Adam for seventeen years, longer than I’ve known Christina, and long enough to know that people usually misread Adam’s charm. He is genuinely charming AF, but it’s the charm of a nervous introvert, not a carefree extrovert. Adam will be a good test of Eve’s powers.
“The first card represents you at this moment,” Eve says. “It’s a hermit card.”
My eyes go wide.
“I can tell you’re the sort of person who tends to shut yourself off from the world, hunker down in a cave, and lose track of everything while you work.”
“Yes!” I scream. Then, fearful that I’ve given up the ghost, I clasp my hands to my mouth.
“Honey, we’re on mute,” Christina says. “But she’s really got Adam figured out, right?”
“It’s one reading,” I say, trying to pretend that I didn’t just lose my shit. “Besides, Adam’s at his office, surrounded by computers and electronic hardware. Maybe she just picked up on his background. Let’s see how your reading goes.”
Christina’s reading goes even better than Adam’s. Eve describes Christina to a tee, right down to her unstoppable bias toward action. Each comment about Christina draws knowing nods from me and all of our friends. Then Eve hits Christina with some advice.
“Your inner child needs to be heard,” she says. “It’ll tell you what you really want, although sometimes the inner child can be crass.”
I look over at Christina. If she struggles with anything, it’s figuring what she really wants. In fact, she spent the six weeks prior to her birthday agonizing over a career decision that came down to a simple question: what do you want?
“Let me tell you what I mean by crass,” Eve says. “I was a volunteer for the local police department…”
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Please tell me we booked a real-life psychic detective! Dirk Gently. Psych. Sara Gran’s Claire DeWitt novels!
“I wasn’t there to solve crimes, or anything like that.”
Drat!
“I was there to do victim counseling,” Eve continues. “It’s a very noble thing, comforting people who’ve been through something terrible. But that’s not why I answered the ad. I answered the ad because I wanted to see behind the yellow police tape. And the first time I walked onto a crime scene, my inner child screamed, yes!”
Holy cow. I answered the ad because I wanted to see behind the yellow police tape. I don’t know what Christina’s inner child wants (neither does she), but my inner child wants me to write a novel with an opening line that good. Hell, I’ve been listening to my inner child on that score for years.
One by one, Eve does readings for the rest of the group.
Some readings are helpful. Bridget gets clarity on a potential move. Lynne untangles a ball of angst that’s been bugging her. Becky and Rob demystify that which mystifies them. Other readings are interesting, but not so helpful. Anna doesn’t love the love advice Eve has for her. Liz’s reading is basically on point, but by no means Earth-shattering. Then again, Liz is least the flappable person I know, so maybe that tracks.
Then it’s Norm’s turn. I’ve known Norm since we were fourteen. Together, we’ve survived the awkwardness of puberty, the follies of youth, and the regrets that seem to pop up like weeds in middle age.
“This is interesting,” Eve says, “three knight cards.”
According to Eve, Norm is purpose-built to serve in the quests of others. This is true. In life, there is the boogeyman, there is John Wick, the man you send to kill the boogeyman, and then there is Norm, the man John Wick counts on to take care of business while he’s busy killing the boogeyman.
“But this last card tells me you need to get moving with your own quest,” Eve tells Norm.
Holy shit. In one sentence, Eve just summed up a conversation Norm and I have been having since 2015.
“OK, it looks like Michael is the last one,” Eve says. “Would you like a general reading, or something specific?”
Christina wants me to ask about the novel I’m planning to release soon. Not Safe for Work has been years in the making. On the one hand, the creativity of those years has been exhilarating. On the other hand, it’s been a very bumpy road to an uncertain destination. The dichotomy comes down to this: I love work of writing novels, but I don’t feel the same way about the business of bringing them into the world.
“I’d like a general reading,” I say.
Eve’s non-dominant hand selects my cards. Or, maybe I select the cards by transmitting a piece of myself, the challenge that daunts me, and the advice I need through the Zoom interface, through the medium’s mechanism, and into the deck of tarot cards.
“Notice that empress is pregnant,” Eve says. “This is about fertility, but often it means that you need to give yourself permission to take the time to allow something very personal within you to grow and develop. You can’t rush this. Does that make sense?”
“Absolutely.”
“Now, Two of Wands is about that feeling of temporary frustration,” Eve continues. “There are a lot of moving parts, and those moving parts are external to you, which is where you can get frustrated. But even though it doesn’t feel like it, delays can be blessings for you because they provide clarity.”
“This is totally you, honey,” Christina says.
“Finally, you have the Ace of Wands. The brain tends to look at known things as safe and unknown things as unsafe, but that’s not really true. Being risky and taking a risk are two different things, even if they feel the same emotionally because you’re stepping out of your comfort zone.”
Christina and I share a knowing look. I’ve written three novels in a series that will likely go to ten books. This past year has been a slog to push, pull, and generally get myself out of my comfort zone so that I can birth this series by bringing the first of these books to life. Doubt, fear, and uncertainty have dogged me at every turn.
“The advice is for you to be patient, Michael. Honor each and every red flag, but when it’s time, go through the open door.”
“Pretty legit, right?” Christina asks.
We’ve logged off of Zoom, and we’re eating a late birthday dinner.
“The disguise didn’t throw her,” I say. “She read me like a book.”
“She did. Or, maybe the disguise worked, but Marty Ackerman is also a novelist.”
“Well, if he is, Ackerman owes us money.”
“Why’s that?”
“We paid for his tarot card reading.”
If you enjoyed this story, please 👇
Thanks for reading! See you next week ❤️
Love this! Fun to be a bit player in your literary world! Great ending too! xx
Ha! My favorite lines are about the non-dominant hand on the cookies!