Super Duper Betting Bowl Sunday

I came here to eat guacamole and gamble, and we're all out of guacamole

Football legend Vince Lombardi once said, “there is NO substitute for WORK.” He actually shouted the words “no” and “work,” which is a common tactic of someone talking out of their ass. All due respect, Vince, there’s something called luck, and it’s the key to winning big on Super Duper Betting Bowl Sunday. After all, it’s not football, or the promise of salty snacks that brings us together today. NO! We’re here for one thing, and one thing only, the money!

But first, a word from the legal team at Situation Normal. Don’t worry, I’ll keep this disclaimer brief because I know you’ve got bets to make. If you have access to the sports almanac from Back to the Future, by all means, use that. Otherwise, please understand that if you use predictions from Situation Normal, you do so at your own risk. You can sue Situation Normal, but be advised that my lawyer, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini, has never lost a case. Also, Situation Normal fully acknowledges that some of these predictions may be difficult to turn into actual bets, but as the legal community is fond of saying, that’s a you problem.

OK, now that we’ve got the legal stuff out of the way, here are my predictions. Get ready to place your bets!

Early in the first quarter, the good people sitting in section 7G at SoFi Stadium will attempt to start a wave, only to see their efforts dashed by a churro vendor.

After throwing two interceptions in the first half, fans will blame Rams QB Matthew Stafford’s poor performance “nerves.” But that’s nonsense. Stafford’s Wordle addiction is to blame.

Canadian fans will point at giggle at the tiny American football field.

Hawaiian pizza haters will talk shit, as usual, while Hawaiian pizza fans will quietly enjoy their ham & pineapple pizzas and wonder what’s lacking in the life of someone who puts so much time and energy into hating another human’s favorite pizza.

Guests attending Sara Elrod’s Super Bowl party in Taos, New Mexico will miss a critical play because Sara’s cat, Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner, will “accidentally” step on the remote control.

Across America, people will order Coke products with their pizzas, but the local pizza parlor won’t have Coke, they’ll have Pepsi, and they’ll be apologetic about it, but nobody will really believe they’re sorry.

After a close play, the ref will spot the ball in an arbitrary place on the field, but he won’t sweat it because the chain crew will hustle out to do some performative measuring.

Dooley ‘Nacho Daddy’ O'Hanrahan of Quincy, Massachusetts will lift the spirits of his friends, all diehard Patriots fans, by topping this year’s nachos with al pastor, instead of carnitas.

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The announcers will not mention the Brian Flores lawsuit, not if they know what’s good for them.

The Bengals will miss a “critical” field goal, causing the announcer to remark how lonely it is to be an NLF kicker, which in turn will prompt my Alexa to play Adam Sandler’s The Lonesome Kicker.

During the fourth quarter, the ghost of John Madden will draw a chupacabra devouring a brisket over a replay meant to explain the mechanics of the dime defense.

Shortly after kickoff, aliens will abduct Nicco St. James of Paramus, New Jersey and take him to a local Holiday Inn to watch the halftime show.

Without any pushback whatsoever, an announcer will talk about how the defense must be tired, whereas the offense, which has been on the field for the same amount of time, is “energized.”

Sixty-two percent of the time the ref spends under the hood reviewing calls will be spent watching TikTok.

After the performance of two patriotic songs, flag waving, and a flyover of military jets, some dipshit will complain about how athletes these days are politicizing football.

Millions of people will Google “The Ickey Shuffle,” and experience joy.

The people of St. Louis will carry a torch for a team that does not love them.

The people of Los Angeles will pretend to love the Rams, if the Rams win.

No matter what happens, the people of Cincinnati will go to bed knowing their teams loves them and their weird chili.

You won’t like the halftime show, but that’s OK, because you can use that negative energy to bond with like-minded strangers on the internet.

Twitter users will shit on Aaron Rodgers, but he won’t believe so many people actually hate him because his research says different.

Shortly after the edibles kick in, Chuck Penobscot of Paducah, Kentucky will realize that boneless chicken wings are really just chicken tenders.

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A Yorkshire Terrier named Oscar will win the Puppy Bowl, but allegations of steroid abuse will emerge almost immediately.

After one too many PBR’s, your most lefty friend will try to explain to everyone at your Super Bowl party how the NFL is actually a socialist organization, but they’ll be interrupted by a cute dog selling beer.

Your guests will rave about your “revelatory” buffalo cauliflower with vegan blue cheese dip, but no matter how many times they ask, you won’t share your recipe.

After the game, Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, Washington will announce that he’s going to Disney World. Unfortunately, the ticket agent at Disney World will refuse to honor Tom Tuttle’s claim, but after citing the Truth in Advertising Act and the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, Tom Tuttle will accept Disney’s offer of a coupon for a free Dole Whip.

A startup called Cyberdyne Systems will exit stealth mode with its first Super Bowl commercial starring retired cyborg Tom Brady.

OK, that’s all for Situation Normal’s predictions. Best of luck to you on this, the holy roller-ist of holidays. Please do your friends and social media followers a HUGE favor by sharing these predictions so that they can place their bets and become bajillionaires 💰💰💰

And if you’ve got a second to spare, please hit that ❤️ button 👇