Rule of 3 Revised
Hello & welcome to another edition of Situation Normal!
Last Sunday, I shared what four of my friends had to say about middle age as follow up to a piece I wrote about middle age. The comments on both posts are amazing because the situation normie community comes to play.
Speaking of people who come to play, we have a new paid subscriber at Situation Normal. A big thank you to Nolan Yuma! Paid subscriptions from situation normies like Nolan help a lot because they free up time in my schedule to amuse you every Wednesday and Sunday.
Rule of 3! What about rule of $3 million?
Last week, I found a check book in the middle of our street. Initially, I thought it was an antique. Who writes checks anymore? But when I opened the check book, I noticed that it had been used recently and regularly. I also noticed that the address on the checks was only a few blocks away.
After I finished work for the day, I went to return the missing check book. I imagined the owner would be happy to see me. A hearty handshake, or an invitation to come inside for a snack seemed inside the realm of possibilities. There was also the matter of the check book’s location. How did it end up in the middle of my street? Maybe the owner could shed some light on the matter, or failing that, perhaps the two of us could entertain ourselves with some wild speculation. I was up for anything.
But the check book’s owner was a dud. He didn’t bother to explain why the check book was in the middle of the road. He didn’t offer a handshake, or a snack, either. Come to think of it, he didn’t even say thanks.
The man’s reaction rubbed me the wrong way, but I didn’t dwell on it. After all, I didn’t return the check book for a reward. I returned the check book because that was the right thing to do.
A few days later, I went to the bank to get some cash. Like checks, paper money is a relic from a bygone age where credit was tight and a dollar cost fifty cents. Technically, checks and cash are still valid financial instruments, but Silicon Valley is working fast to break those things.
I like to carry cash because I’m old school. I bank at Wells Fargo for the same reason. Wells Fargo may sell crypto, but they’ll be damned if their iconic stagecoach is riding off into the sunset anytime soon. Speaking of riding, I prefer to get my cash from the Wells Fargo drive-thru ATM. That way I can withdraw my ancient money while listening to the oldies station on FM radio.
When it was my turn to use the drive-thru ATM, I noticed that the previous customer had left their card in the machine and driven away. For a second, I thought about making a withdrawal from an account that didn’t belong to me. But that felt wrong. Also, the drive-thru ATM has security cameras. So I removed the customer’s card. Then I got my cash from my account, parked my car, and went inside to return the lost debit card.
Unlike the guy with the missing check book, the teller showered me with praise. At first, the praise felt good, but after the fifth thank you, the situation felt awkward, so I told the cashier I was late to meet a client.
“What do you do?” she asked.
The correct answer to that question should’ve been writer, but for some reason I panicked.
“Freelance coroner,” I blurted out.
The cashier looked puzzled by my response. I was puzzled too. But I didn’t stick around to solve the puzzle. I bolted from the bank, leaving the puzzle of the freelance coroner for the cashier to ponder for the rest of her days.
On the way home from the bank, I thought about the lost check book and the lost ATM card. Two ancient financial instruments gone missing in the same week. That was something, wasn’t it? I could do something with this material, I thought.
But then I thought about the Rule of Three. If you don’t know, the Rule of Three is a comedic writing principle that says three occurrences of something in a story is funnier than two, or four, or really any other number. Why is three so damn funny? I think it dates back to the Three Stooges, who invented the Rule of Three, but forgot to patent it. Consequently, the Rule of Three is a royalty-free recipe for comedy gold. If you study Situation Normal stories closely, you’ll see that I’m a big believer in the Rule of Three.
Which brings me to the problem with this particular anecdote. I have a missing check book and a missing ATM card, but that only adds up to two items. To turn a humorous anecdote into a funny story, I need a third missing financial instrument, but I don’t have it.
Yet!
With any luck, that third item will materialize soon. Hopefully, it’ll be a briefcase that contains $3 million in cash, preferably unmarked, non-sequential bills. But if I find that money, I definitely won’t do the right thing. I’ll flee the country and assume a new identity. Situation Normal will vanish. But at least you’ll know why: the Rule of Three always pays off.
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I’m writing books here!
Everyone knows that the best way to get rich is to find a briefcase full of cash. But the second the best way to get rich is to write a novel. Well, I wrote a novel called Not Safe for Work. As of this writing, Not Safe for Work is a mere 998,021 sales away from selling 1 million copies. Let’s do this!
I’m linking here!
Like Willie Sutton said, banks are where the money is. Turn out, banks also have free hugs. Read about a bank robbery that ended in a hug here.
Another way to get rich is to play the lottery, especially if you’re the luckiest woman in Compton (maybe the world). Read about a woman who just can’t stop winning the lottery here.
Another famous get rich quick scheme is to marry the boss’s daughter, then help a psychotic Swede outmaneuver your wife and her two dysfunctional brothers for control of their dead dad’s right-wing media empire. Obviously, I’m talking about Tom Wambsgans, aka Mr. Succession. Whether or not you had Wambsgans on your Succession Bingo card, you’ll enjoy John DeVore’s essay, “The Ballad Of Tom Wambsgans.”
I’m watching here!
The Stepford Wives is one of those concepts everyone knows. But I’d never actually seen the film, or the remake, or read the novel. So we watched the 2004 version of The Stepford Wives with Nicole Kidman, Matthew Broderick, Glenn Close, and Christopher Walken. The satire in the film starts out strong, but I felt like the movie pulled its punches instead delivering on its feminist premise. Regardless, if you’re looking for a movie where Christopher Walken gets decapitated with a candlestick, this is the movie for you.
Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers (hopefully).
How did the missing check book end up in the middle of the street? Wild conspiracy theories welcome.
Why is three such a funny number? Convoluted answers encouraged.
If you found $3 million in cash, what would you do?
Were you swept up in Succession mania, or does the name Tom Wambsgans mean nothing to you?
Should I watch the original version ofThe Stepford Wives, or read the novel? Remember, I’ll hold you responsible if the novel or the film suck.
1. How did the missing checkbook end up in the middle of the street? Wild conspiracy theories are welcome. I am from Canada, and we spell it chequebook. D.B. Cooper was trying to cash a cheque, and there was a huge misunderstanding. He panicked, jumped on a plane, and the rest is history. Unfortunately, he never got a chance to tell his side of the story.
2. Why is three such a funny number? Convoluted answers are encouraged. After jumping out of the plane, D.B., I know him well, so we are casual name basis; he joined three secret societies to escape the story he never had a chance to share.
The Inquisition
The Illuminati
The Independent Order of Odd Fellows
3. What would you do if you found $3 million in cash? I would get as far away from Anton Chigurh as fast as possible.
4. Were you swept up in Succession mania, or does the name Tom Wambsgans mean nothing to you? No, and No.
5. Should I watch the original version of The Stepford Wives or read the novel? Remember, I'll hold you responsible if the novel or the film sucks. Avoid both of them and move on with your life. I doubt if either would make an impact more than me raising the ocean level by pissing in it.
Oh my god, dude, you HAVE to watch the original Stepford Wives, then you will see how absolutely wrong the remake was. The original is a message about feminism and the homogenization of women by men who just want compliant robots instead of the scary, free thinking radical women that were coming into fashion in the day. Very similar to Rosemary's Baby in that vibe. The original was like "Well, what if we misunderstood the message and the time period of the first one and then for some reason didn't properly explain if what we're looking at is robots or brainwashed women or... whatever?" A more adequate successor would probably be Get Out, because they both touch on the fetishization and subjugation and eventual appropriation of those individual groups that people in power misunderstand but also covet. Anyway, the original is great, the new one sucks butt, especially after you watch the original.