Our Racist Neighbor Has a Tech Question
Late one afternoon, our neighbor across the street, Racist Jim, knocked on our door. I had better things to do than talk to our racist neighbor, so I told our dog, Mortimer, to tell Jim that I wasn’t home. Mortimer barked out my message, but I guess Jim understands dog whistles better than dogs because he kept knocking. Against my better judgement, I answered the door.
“Hey Jim.”
“What’s the best end-to-end encrypted email provider?” Jim asked.
That was Jim’s opener. No hello. No casual racism. No formal racism either. Just a really specific question about email security.
“ProtonMail,” I blurted out.
I regretted my answer immediately. I know very little about end-to-end encrypted email. Actually, I don’t know know shit. But I do know Jim. In the five years we’ve lived across the street from Jim, he’s shown us exactly who he is in the Maya Angelou sense of the phrase. Here’s a selection of Racist Jim’s greatest hits:
Jim accused one neighbor of running an “underground railroad for illegals.” They were running an Airbnb.
When the Airbnb neighbors moved away, Jim bragged that he had “gotten rid of them” by spray-painting “Trump 2020” on a dumpster in front of their house. The arrival of the dumpster, however, was preceded by a real estate listing sign, so Jim’s theory of causation, just like his worldview, is problematic.
Jim accused our pool guy of stealing lemons from the tree in his front yard, but when I asked for evidence, Jim said, “that’s what Mexicans do.” Our pool guy is from El Salvador, and he owns his own lemon tree.
Knowing Jim, I worried that I had unwittingly helped him secure his racist communications. But then I remembered that Jim isn’t exactly secretive about his racism. He shares it with the Jewish dude across the street, so it’s safe to assume Jim shares his racism with friends, family, and fellow travelers online. I feared that if Jim wanted to upgrade his email security, it was because he had plans to graduate from misdemeanors like vandalizing our neighbor’s dumpster to something worse. That thought made me queasy. I needed to walk back the ProtonMail suggestion. But how?
“That’s just a guess,” I said. “I have no idea about tech stuff.”
“Huh?” Jim said. “I thought you were a tech guy.”
“Nope.”
“I thought you worked for PC Magazine.”
“Nope.”
“Are you sure you don’t work for PC Magazine?”
“Pretty sure, yeah.”
“Why did I think that?”
“No idea.”
“Hmmm… Well, what do you do?” Jim asked.
“I’m a writer.”
“That’s an easy job,” Jim said. “Everyone knows how to write.”
Jim quizzed me on the fundamentals of writing. Did I know the difference between there and their? What about your and you’re? Did I ever mix up lose with loose, and did I loose [sic] my gig at PC Magazine?
“You really don’t write for PC Magazine?” Jim asked again.
“Nope. I don’t know shit about PCs. I’ve been writing on a Mac for fifteen years. But I don’t know shit about Macs either. I’m the wrong guy to ask about tech.”
“PCs are easy. I use Linux.”
“OK.”
“What do you use for email?” Jim asked.
“Gmail.”
“I use Hotmail.”
I didn’t know that anyone was still using Hotmail, but maybe that’s why the editors at PC Magazine haven’t tapped me to write for them.
“But ProtonMail is secure, you say?” Jim asked.
I wasn’t sure why Jim still thought I had any expertise here since we had already established my total lack of technology bona fides. But I was grateful for the opportunity to send Jim in the wrong direction. After all, whenever I see footage of the insurrection, I always look for Jim. The last thing I wanted to do was help Jim evade whatever justice he had coming.
“Honestly, Hotmail rocks,” I said. “It’s gotten you this far.”
“Are you sure?”
I wasn’t sure. Of course, I wasn’t sure. But I doubled-down.
“I’m thinking about switching from Gmail to Hotmail.”
“Really? Why?”
“Security,” I said. “You can’t be too careful these days. Google used to be a cool company. Don’t be evil and all that. But Google dropped that from their mission statement.”
“Now, they’re evil, huh?”
“Oh yes. Very evil. It’s Silicon Valley. If they’re not censoring the truth, they’re spreading that woke mind virus.”
Jim smiled. I had found the key to his hard heart.
“You can’t trust Silicon Valley,” I said.
“But isn’t Hotmail a Microsoft product?” Jim asked.
Damn it. That was a good point. I had to think fast.
“Did you know Hunter Biden’s laptop was a Mac? The FBI found a copy of Trump’s tax returns in Hunter Biden’s Gmail account next to a brick of cocaine and an unlicensed gun that once belonged to Che Guevara.”
Jim laughed. He knew I was bullshitting him, but it was his brand of bullshit, so it went down nice and easy.
“The truth is out there,” I continued. “But it’s not on Google, it’s on Bing.”
“Bing?”
“It’s a Microsoft product, just like Hotmail.”
“Hotmail… yeah, I’m probably gonna stick with what I know. Thanks.”
I smiled. Was I leading Jim astray? Yes, of course I was. That’s what made me smile. Not that I wanted to read Jim’s unencrypted racist emails. No thanks! But I assumed that whatever illegal shit Jim is up to, his racism had probably blinded him to the genius of The Wire, and therefore deprived him of the wisdom of the Stringer Bell rule:
Don’t take notes on a criminal fucking conspiracy
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You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Do you encounter racists in your everyday life? What’s your strategy for dealing with racists you can’t really avoid? Share your tips!
How’s your neighbor situation? Dish!
Hotmail is still a thing??? Discuss.
Why did I loose [sic] my job at PC Magazine? Get creative!
Have you ever used Bing? Explain yourself.
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My favorite thing to do with racists, sexists, and homophobes is to play dumb. If they make a racist comment like "We all know what Black/Hispanic/Asian people are like..." I just give them a blank look and say "I have no idea what you mean." Then when they elaborate on their racism, I just keep saying them to say "I don't understand." This forces them to get more and more explicit in their racism, which usually makes them uncomfortable to state so blatantly, and forces them to hear how awful they sound. Finally, I say with a shocked voice, "Oh, is THAT what you mean? I disagree completely with views like that." And then I leave.
I’m also still using hotmail myself, so this felt like watching It’s A Wonderful Life and realizing I wear the same hat as Mr. Potter.