My Lyft driver's movie idea is out of this world
The Lyft driver assumes that because he picked me up in front of Netflix, I must work for Netflix.
“You know what you guys need?” he asks. “You need a show about people driving around LA, just having conversations about whatever and stuff. It’s a comedy. People always say funny shit. You just have to edit out the boring parts.”
It’s a meta concept, which is good, because I’m a fan of meta concepts. Problem is, I don’t work at Netflix, and I don’t work in development either. I could tell the Lyft driver that he’s pitching the wrong guy, but in situations like this, I live by a code. The Improv code. Instead of saying no, which is a scene-stopper, improvisors say, “yes, and…” You don’t literally have to say “yes,” and you don’t literally have to say “and,” but you do have to keep the conversation going somehow. That’s the Improv code.
“We have that show,” I say, making liberal, and possibly illegal, use of the Royal We. “It’s called Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.”
“Fuck,” the Lyft driver says. “Seinfeld has already done everything.”
“Technically, he’s done nothing, a movie about bees, and the coffee-car-comedy thing,” I say. “What else have you got?”
“OK, you know those movies about how aliens come to Earth and humanity has to come together to save the planet?” the Lyft driver asks.
“Yes, of course. Those movies are always popular. You know why? Because action movies need a bad guy, but that makes sales in foreign territories very challenging because nobody wants to be the bad guy. The Germans are over it. The Chinese were never down for it. And despite the fact that the Russians seem to relish the bad guy role, they’re tired of being type-cast.”
“There’s always the North Koreans,” he says. “It’s not like they watch Hollywood movies.”
“That’s true. But after the fallout from The Interview, the North Koreans are basically un-hireable.”
“Now, an alien invasion picture like Independence Day is a different story,” I continue. “In those pictures, the bad guys are the aliens, so everyone on Earth can identify with the hero. We’re talking global audience. That’s the name of the game these days. This is gold. Hit me with your idea!”
“Well, my idea is that we are the aliens.”
“We’re the aliens?”
“Yeah, man, we’re the aliens,” he says. “We’re doing all kinds of human stuff, but it’s really alien stuff, but the audience doesn’t know that yet.”
“Right. We’re talking act one set-up stuff. Got it.”
“Exactly, act one. But then one day, aliens show up. We think they’re aliens.”
“But they’re not aliens?” I ask.
“Right! They’re actually the real humans. We’re the aliens, man. They’re here to kick us off their planet. Plot twist!”
“Interesting,” I say. “So instead of a picture where everyone on Earth identifies with the hero, your idea is that everyone on Earth is the bad guy?”
“Well, yeah, man. I mean, we’re ruining this planet, so aren’t we the bad guys? That’s reality. That’s why the aliens, I mean real humans, want us gone.”
“But the real humans look like, um, alien-humans?”
“Yes! That way we don’t have to spend too much on special effects.”
“That’s helpful. But I’m worried that the audience won’t be able to tell the difference between the real aliens and the real humans.”
“That’s what’s so scary. Who can you trust? You could be an alien.”
“Or, you could be an alien,” I say.
“Exactamundo.”
“How did you pitch this?” I ask. “What are the comps?”
I’m hoping the Lyft driver will say something like, “it’s Groundhog Day meets The Usual Suspects,” or “Transformers meets Tootsie,” or “Full Metal Jacket meets Singing in the Rain.” I can work with those pitches. But instead of using Hollywood standard X meets Y pitch format, the Lyft driver says something that even a make-believe development exec knows will be a problem with business affairs.
“It’s based on Battlestar Galactica,” he says. “You know how the humans in Battlestar are looking for Earth?
“I think they actually find it in the last episode.”
“Yeah, well, my idea is an alternate ending. The Battlestar Galactica crew arrives to find Earth occupied. We’re the occupiers!”
“OK, so this is basically a new Battlestar Galactica in an alternate universe that looks like present day Earth. Am I getting that right?”
“Yes! Except, everyone is way hotter.”
“Everyone already on Earth is way hotter, or everyone from Battlestar Galactica is way hotter?”
“Both!”
“OK, that’s the right answer. But tell me, how does it end? Who wins?”
“Humanity wins,” he says.
“Do you mean us, or do you mean the Battlestar Galactica humans?”
“The Battlestar Galactica humans win! We’re the aliens, remember?”
“Right. Of course. We’re the aliens. And at the end of your movie, we’re all dead?”
“No, no. It’s more like, we get evicted.”
“Evicted? But then where do we go? Do they lend us some space ships, or do we have to get some rentals? Do we have a home world to go to? Is it occupied? Will we have to evict some intergalactic squatters?”
“That’s the sequel, man. I’ve got a franchise here!”
Shout out time!
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Writer’s note
This story is old. I wrote it in 2019, but never published it. When I found it in my files, I knew I had to share it. But I also knew I had to cut one section. Why? Because the Lyft driver also had a pitch for a reboot of Night Court. Spoiler alert: they did reboot Night Court! Maybe the Lyft driver should’ve gotten a job in development.
Around the time I wrote this story, I collected my best Lyft driver stories into a book called I called Ride/Share. I’m sad this one didn’t make it into the book, but there’s always the sequel, right? If you’d like more Lyft driver stories, please pick up a copy of Ride/Share👇
And if you’ve already bought a copy of Ride/Share, THANK YOU! Do me a big favor and please leave a quick review. It really helps!🙏
Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I ask, you answer.
In this story, I pretended to be a Netflix development executive. Call me a liar, if you must. But have you ever pretended to be something you’re not? Details, you can share.
What do you think of the Lyft driver’s movie pitch? Assuming we can get the rights to Battlestar Galactica, is it a green light?
Are we the aliens? Unhinged answers only.
Are you a fan of the alien invasion genre? What’s your favorite alien invasion movie, or TV show? Hint: the correct answer is Edge of Tomorrow.
Hollywood writers are currently on strike (and it looks like the actors will go out on strike too). But when Hollywood gets back to work, what movies and TV shows should it reboot first? Don’t worry about the rights; let your imagine run wild!
Plot Twist: You were actually the Lyft Driver all along and he's driving your car
Here’s my take. An alien space craft comes to Earth. The door opens. It’s a ton of dinosaurs. There were super intelligent dinosaurs, but they left the planet before the meteor came. Now that the coast is clear, and they’ve traveled the universe, dinosaurs have returned and they want their planet back.