Money solutions
To your money problems
“Everybody needs money. That’s why they call it money.”
— Danny DeVito in David Mamet’s Heist
A friend texted me the other day to ask if all my neighbors were racist vigilantes. It was a fair question. I’ve written about Jim, my racist neighbor, a few times. And last week I wrote about Jon, my vigilante neighbor. Racists and vigilantes are good copy, although I can’t abide racism or vigilantism. But I have other neighbors, and as far as I know, they aren’t racists or vigilantes. Case in point: The Cat Lady.
I keep meaning to ask her name. We’ve been chatting for years. But at this point it, I think we’re past introductions. Our conversations go deep. We’ve talked about gardening, Walmart’s shady business practices, politics, her ex-husband, cats, her other ex-husband, dogs, motorist who seem to think that a residential street with an elementary school is the perfect place to live out their Fast & Furious fantasies, polyamory, poor customer service, jealous girl friends, squeaky wheels that always manage to get the grease, LSD, the musical Grease, and the weather.
A few weeks ago, The Cat Lady was telling me about her acting career. I had no idea she’d been actor, but in Los Angeles, actors are as common as palm trees, so I wasn’t surprised. Also, The Cat Lady is easily in her nineties, so she’s had plenty of time to try out different careers.
“When was this?” I asked.
“Back when television was still new,” she explained.
I leaned in when she said that, hoping for some old Hollywood stories. Did she ever audition for I Love Lucy? Had she partied with James Dean? Was she blacklisted? Did she name names?
“I mostly did theater,” she said. “The camera didn’t love me as much as my ex-husband loved a call girl named Mona.”
“The ex who was in real estate, or the ex who was a drummer?” I asked.
“The ex who was a photographer. I drove him nuts. Every photo he took of me was a little blurry. He was a great photographer, but I just couldn’t be still. I’d always move just a little right as he snapped the photo. One time, he lost it, threw a wrench from right here clear across the street into the school.”
I looked over my shoulder. I put the throw at forty yards — good if you’re throwing a football, Herculean if you’re throwing a wrench.
“He wasn’t violent. Total sweetheart. But I drove him nuts. He wasted so much film on me.”
“That must’ve been expensive.”
“He always had money. He worked in advertising. Now, my actor friends were a different story. They were either broke or loaded — no middle ground. And when they had money they were on their way to being broke again.”
I muttered something about how going from gig to gig makes it hard to put money away. We talked about money for a bit, how too much money creates one kind of problem, while too little money creates another kind. She told me the smartest thing she ever did was buy a house when it was cheap and hang on to it. Then she told me about Stan.
“He was usually broke. But a couple times a year, he’d book a big job. He spent everything as fast as a he could — almost everything. When he got a big paycheck, he’d go to the bank and ask for, I dunno, ten or twenty dollars in quarters, dimes, and nickels. Then he’d go back to his place and throw the change everywhere.”
“Like in the couch cushions?”
“Exactly. When he was broke, he’d go looking for loose change. He always had enough for a taco and bus fare.”
That’s not a lot of money. But it is food and transportation. Add a friend willing to let you crash on their couch, and you’ve got the actor trifecta.
That was funny. I need more laughter.
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IAYA: I ask, you answer
Stan had a savings plan. What’s your savings plan? Share you knowledge.
I don’t think The Cat Lady knows my name either. What’s her nickname for me? Have fun with this!
What’s the smartest money decision you’ve ever made? Dish!
What’s the dumbest money decision you’ve ever made? Dish again!
Why do they call it money? Asking for David Mamet.
I think she calls you “the writer guy.”
She knows you as "That Writer Guy"
I'm retired. No more saving plan. Now it's a spending plan!
Best money decision: Buying my house.
Worse money decision: Selling Apple stock for part of downpayment.
It was going to be called Monkey Cash but it got misprinted to Money.