I don’t hate Mondays. With the exception of Saturday, which is the day of days, in my opinion, every other day of the week is equally deserving of love and/or scorn. But when I searched for a Monday-related picture for this post, I saw three types of images: Monday-hate, inspirational messages that aren’t all that inspiring, and photos of coffee. If an alien came to Earth and consulted a stock photo library to understand the meaning of Monday, they’d surmise that humans hate Mondays so much that we need bromides and caffeine just to face the week. Actually, maybe that’s true for some of us.
But like I said, I’ve got zero beef with Mondays. I like Mondays because Mondays are when I draft the Wednesday post that you’re currently reading.
As I write these words, I’m getting ready to fly to Las Vegas, pick-up my mom, aka “Gayle,” aka the scourge of the Situation Normal comments section, and drive her back to Los Angeles. But by the time you read this post it’ll be Wednesday, aka hump day, and I’ll be back in Los Angeles with my mom, aka “Gayle,” aka the scourge of the Situation Normal comments section. Then the following week, I’ll repeat this process in reverse to bring my mom, aka “Gayle,” aka the scourge of the Situation Normal comments section back to her home in Las Vegas.
Technically, you don’t need to know any of this. But I mention my upcoming travel schedule because one of these days you’ll probably see a story about road trips with my mom, aka “Gayle,” aka the scourge of the Situation Normal comments section. But the first round of those potential road trip stories, which might not actually materialize, will be in the proverbial rearview mirror by the time you read this post on Wednesday.
What does this glimpse into the scheduling headaches of the internet’s 57th best humor newsletter have to do with Mondays? Not much. But it is a chance for me to tell you that while I tell stories from my life, those stories often come to you out of order. Life sometimes gets in the way of writing about life.
Is all of that life getting in the way of writing about life stuff too meta? Probably. But it’s
Monday Wednesday, and with a round of flying and driving ahead of behind me, and another round after that, plus countless stories that may, or may not, occur, I’m asking the situation normie community to be patient with me and any errors, fuck-ups, or scheduling snafus. Also, welcome to my own private version of March Madness.
Vase Dude Mulligan
Recently, I shared the first profile in Situation Normal history. Unfortunately, in reporting that piece I made the biggest mistake journalism has seen since a Chicago Daily Tribune headline incorrectly called the 1948 Presidential election for Thomas “Screw the Library of Congress Classification” Dewey.
My mistake, according to multiple situation normies who spoke up in the comments section, was that I failed to ask Sophia Locke any follow-up questions about “Vase Dude.”
Who was Vase Dude, and what was his deal? We don’t know because I blew it. What we do know is that Vase Dude paid Sophia Locke to pretend that her arm was stuck in a tiny vase. Apparently, this fantasy gave him enormous sexual satisfaction. Or, as Dennard Dayle put it: “That man is enjoying a simpler, clearer love life than the rest of us. Maybe a simpler life in general.”
Elite journalists would ignore this kind of mistake and gaslight anyone who cries foul. Serious journalists would print a correction. But since the journalism I practice at Situation Normal is neither elite nor serious, I’m taking a mulligan.
I’ve reached out to Sophia’s PR guy to see if she’d be willing to answer a few follow up questions about Vase Dude. In the meantime, situation normies, please take another look at Vase Dude, and leave your questions for Sophia in the comments.
Shout outs to situation normies
Time to pay some debts I can’t really repay. Bringing you funny stories every week takes time, and as the saying goes, time is money. That’s why I’m so appreciative of the situation normies who support my work and subsidize the laughter this community enjoys. This week’s awesome situation normies are:
Jen Zug, who told me she was glad to have found the Comedic Personal Essay Universe (CPEU™️) here on Substack when she signed up for a monthly Situation Normal subscription. Thank you, Jen, and welcome to the CPEU!
Peter M., who I don’t know anything about, but who nevertheless seems like a genius because he had the smarts to buy a monthly Situation Normal subscription. Thank you, Peter!
Joel & Lynne, who are dear friends and who have always encouraged me to share my stories with a wider audience. Thank you for signing up for an annual Situation Normal subscription, Joel and Lynne!
Are you an awesome situation normie? Upgrade you subscription & get a shout out👇
Analyze my coffee mug
I drink two cups of coffee a day. I’m not proud of this fact, nor am I ashamed of it. I like coffee, and I like the buzz I get from drinking coffee. I also like collecting coffee mugs. So when I saw that Andrea C Neil, a situation normie who writes The Thing About That Thing, has a regular feature where she analyzes a photo of your coffee mug, I had to get in on the action. Here’s the photo I sent Andrea👇
Here’s Andrea’s very amusing analysis. And yes, Andrea, you are correct, that mug features Nicolas Cage’s mug. I love Cage all the way back to his Nicolas Coppola days, which was his screen credit in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Last Sunday, I wrote about a very awkward flirtation I had at the yoga studio, which led to a larger exploration of the dad bod phenomenon and the internet’s favorite daddy, Pedro Pascal. You can read that story (and see a picture of me rocking Burt Reynolds pose) here. Then do yourself a favor and dive into the hilarious and insightful comments left by the situation normie community.
What’s love got to do with AI
I’m obsessed with artificial intelligence. And by obsessed, I mean I’m usually down to watch Terminator, or better yet T2, I’m always up for talking about Skynet situations with internet randos, and I can’t stop fucking around with ChatGTP, even if that fucking around is causing waves in the CPEU.
Recently, situation normie Meg Oolders, who writes Stock Fiction and who created the fantastic Presidential Mustache graphic, asked me to ask ChatGTP a question inspired by a Heavy D song. It was a good question, but I’m not so sure about the answer. Sorry, Meg, I tried. But just so I wouldn’t get slammed in the comments, I did ask ChatGTP a follow-up question.
Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
Are anti-Monday? Tell me why you don’t like Mondays. Or, are you pro-Monday?
How do you take your coffee, assuming you take coffee at all?
Nicholas Cage only makes two kinds of movies: great films and films that are so bad they’re good. Discuss & please cite examples.
What else should I ask ChatGTP? Song answers only.
What are your Vase Dude questions?
Ask ChatGPT “Do you really want to hurt me?” (Culture Club, circa 1982).
1. I really don't like mondays but my biggest enemy is tuesday. You're no longer rested from the last weekend and the next one is still far away. The worst!
2. I always drink the sweetest coffee known to man in a scientist-dog mug. But now, the only thing I want is a Nick Cage mug to improve my mornings. :/
3. IMHO all Nicholas Cage movies are, at the same time, great and terrible. And he is the best and the worst actor at the same time. I can't be convinced otherwise! Ghost Rider, for example, is a masterpiece and a piece-of-garbage simultaneously.
4. Nick Cage really likes black metal. You should ask Chat GPT to create the lyrics of a black metal song about him!
5. I have so much questions: I don't even know where to start!