Missing Dog
The phone rings. There’s no caller ID, but it could be a work thing so I pick up and say, “This is Michael.”
“Hey Michael, this is Bob from 205, we’ve got Carlos again. He was wandering through the building, and well, you really need to keep a better eye on him, because you know, he got out again ... and anyway, we’ve got him, so...”
I don’t like Bob’s tone or the implication that I’ve somehow been derelict in my duties. Also, I’m not sure I’m the Michael he’s looking for.
"OK. But tell me this: who is Carlos is?”
“Your dog,” Bob says.
“But I don’t have a dog named Carlos.”
A pause.
“Oh.”
Then a longer pause.
“So your dog isn’t Carlos?” Bob asks.
“No. My dog’s name is Mortimer.”
“Mortimer?”
“Mortimer Duke. After one of the villains from Trading Places. The old guys who bet that they could turn Eddie Murphy into a commodities trader and simultaneously ruin Dan Aykroyd’s life.”
The longest pause so far.
“Sounds like I’ve got the wrong number,” Bob says.
“Sounds like it.”
“Hmmm. Well, I better let you go. I’ve got to find the Michael who has a dog named Carlos.”
“Or, maybe you’re looking for Miguel?”
Bob from 205 hangs up.
I hang up.
“Who’s Carlos?” Christina asks.
“Just a dog currently hanging out with Bob in 205.”
Real Genius!
I spoke with Sheila Moeschen about one of my favorite 1980s comedies, Real Genius. I had a blast talking about this film, because it’s silly on the surface and serious where it counts, kind of like Situation Normal. My advice: Watch Real Genius, then join us for a discussion about a movie that had a very big influence on me. Listen here.
A book for people who 💙 this newsletter
Big thank you to the situation normies who have purchased & read my novel, Not Safe for Work. I love hearing from you, whether you leave a review, or drop me a line. And if you haven’t bought the bought, you should! Because if you love Situation Normal, there’s an 11 in 10 chance you’ll laugh your butt off reading my slacker noir set in the porn industry at the dawn of Web 2.0.
Not Safe for Work is available at Amazon and all the other book places.
*The ebook is .99, so you can’t go too far wrong. Just sayin’.
Support Absurdist Acts of Journalism: Charles Manson Burger
A big thank you to Bob Malooga & Company for helping to fund a story about Charles Manson’s favorite burger spot, The Munch Box! My plan is to investigate a local burger stand and explore its connections to one of LA’s most notorious villains. Is this a story that needs to be told? No. Will it be told? That’s up to you. I estimate that this story will cost around $20 for a burger, fries, and a drink. Thanks to Bob Malooga & Company, we’re $8 away from making this story happen. To contribute, send any amount via PayPal.
What’s the deal with Absurdists Acts of Journalism? The news is weird, and I believe that when the going gets weird, the weird turn semi-pro. To wit: I’ve eaten a burrito from the middle, found the courage to tell the truth about Courage Bagels, and done yoga with goats. Most recently, I rode in a robo taxi and lived to write about it.
Stick around and chat!
What about Bob? Explain.
What kind of dog is Carlos? Wrong answers only, long descriptions encouraged!
Best name for a dog?
Worst name for a dog?
Do you answer if it’s an unknown number? Dish.
The best name for a dog is Cerberus.
Best name for a dog so far in my household: cooper, AKA coop doggy dog, AKA pooper, AKA coop coop. My kid hates when we sing the theme song for the dog “coop doggy dooooggg…bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay bow wow yippy yo yippy yay…”
Now this song will stick in your mind all day. You’re welcome, ☺️