Do Androids Dream of Successful People?

A story about the robots that are invading our homes

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“Is the doorbell is working?” Christina asks.

One possibility: the Ring doorbell hasn’t rung in weeks because of the pandemic.

Another possibility: the Ring doorbell is on the fritz because of me. I may look like I can code, but the truth is I’m an analog dude in a digital world.

“I’ll check.”

I step outside to inspect the Ring. Looks like Cylon hardware to me. But I don’t know much about these droids. My guess is it’s out of juice. I ring the Ring to check.

“I think the battery is dead,” I say, as I step back inside. “It has a battery, right?”

Christina nods. A couple months back, she installed the Cylon to at the door. Then she set-up a Bezos spy ring inside the house. The Cylon reports to a spy called Echo that sits on my desk, and stares at me all day. It’s awkward, but the plan is for the Cylon to call Echo when there’s someone at the door. When it works, I can see who’s at the door and speak with them. But it rarely works.

“Do you know how to replace the battery?” I ask.

Christina nods. Of course, she knows how to replace the battery. Technology is her bag. She’s the Gaius Baltar of this operation. Like Baltar, she loves to bring droids home, even if everyone knows the damn things are killers.

Our first droid was a thermostat that looked harmless. Two years on, Nest is a Bond villain with a weather machine. But Nest isn’t nearly as malicious as the nameless pizza-shaped vacuum droid that torments Mortimer and tries to trip me when I cook. Then there’s the real doomsday machine—our internet-enabled fridge that could go full Skynet, to mix pop culture references, at the drop of Slim Pickens’ cowboy hat.

“I’m sure it’s super easy to change the battery,” Christina says.

Classic Baltar.

I’m not so confident, though. On my best days, I’m Yoshimi battling the pink robots. But those are my best days, and this isn’t one of those.

“Alexa,” I say, “Tell me how to change the battery on a Ring doorbell.”

Alexa says something about a Wikihow article, and for a brief moment everything tracks. Maybe someone poor Luddite really did make a few bucks writing an SEO-optimized article explaining how to change the battery of a Ring doorbell. But then Alexa reads the title of the article, and the hope drains from my body.

“How to be successful,” Alexa says.

“What?” I ask. “Are you serious? I just want to change the stupid doorbell battery.”

“Success can mean different things to everyone,” Alexa continues.

“No shit,” I snap.

“If you have an ambition, dream, or purpose that you want to achieve, all you need is the right mindset and a strong set of goals.”

“My goal is to change the battery on the fucking Cylon!”

“When you encounter failure, remember to pick yourself back up and keep going,” Alexa continues.

Then Alexa proceeds to follow her own advice about persistence by reading WikiHow’s entire five-step plan for success.

Well played, Baltar. I love you. Now, please change the damn battery on the Cylon.

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