Big Wednesday: Issue #2

Caffeinated lies, promoting democracy, Nextdoor animal bingo, and Meat Hat™

I’ve always believed you get back what you put into something, unless that something is crypto, craps, or cars, in which case you could lose it all when the rug is pulled out from underneath you, when your luck runs out, or on an annualized basis laid out in an IRS schedule for depreciation.

Thankfully, Situation Normal is a win-win kind of situation. I put a lot of laughs out into the world with this newsletter. Last week, when I asked readers to contribute some laughs of their own, about a dozen of you rushed to repay the debt. Thank you! I’ve included one of those reader-submitted laughs in this edition. But don’t worry if your submission isn’t in this week’s edition because there’s always next week!

Overheard at a coffee shop

Woman: I’m a follower of Jesus. Are you a follower of Jesus?

Man: I’m familiar with Jesus, but I’m more of a casual fan, than a true follower. Is that a dealbreaker?

Woman: Yes.

Man: OK, I’m a follower of Jesus.

Woman: No you’re not.

Man: What’s his Instagram? I’ll follow him.

[Takes out his phone]

Man: Hey, can I get your Instagram?

Make democracy marketable again

Most people won’t put their email address on the Web. But as I’ve said before, most people don’t have the moxie to be the intrepid correspondent behind Situation Normal. A day after posting my email address on the Web, I got an email from someone called Pooja, asking if I was interested in promotion. Here’s what Pooja wrote:

Hi Michael! We are a purely Social Media marketing Company; we can fairly quickly promote your website to the flowing social media platform.

1. Facebook promotion

2. Website promotion

3. Twitter promotion

4. Instagram promotion

5. Pinterest promotion

6. Blogging writing and promotions

May I send you a quote / proposal / packages? If interested.

Thanks & Regards,

Pooja

Since I’m always interested in promotion, I got back to Pooja right away. Here’s what I wrote:

Pooja!

Thank you for reaching out! How did you hear about me? Never mind, it’s not important. What is important is democracy. It’s in a very bad way, and even though democracy can be a drag, we need it because the alternative is the road to ruin. Can you send me a quote to promote democracy?

Your friend in good governance,

Michael

Sadly, I never heard back from Pooja. I guess we’re going to have to DIY this democracy thing.

Nextdoor animal bingo

After reading about two missing turtles and a duck who just needed a place to cool off, regular reader Joderama wrote in with her own Nextdoor animal adventures. Joderama wrote:

Apparently, both LA and Phoenix, Arizona are Bermuda Pet Triangles. It seems like a weirdly high number of domesticated animals go missing, or turn up unexpectedly (and not just the usual ones like cats, dogs, or the occasional bunny - a lot of turtles/tortoises and lizards, but also parrots and other exotic birds, snakes, hedgehogs, and a llama).

During the Covid summer of 2020, a friend and I started trading all the stories we found in our respective next door apps. After one-upping each other on nearly a daily basis for a couple of weeks, I drew up a rudimentary set of bingo cards we could use to make it a competition. (Pic below: in case you need something to stuff into a future Situation Normal smorgasbord of weirdness).

ICYMI

Last week, I wrote about buying cheese from a stranger. I fucked up that story in two ways.

First, a number of people left comments to tell me that my so-called cheese plate was actually a charcuterie board. Those readers might be right, but here’s the thing: charcuterie just isn’t as clickable as cheese.

Second, notwithstanding the aforementioned charcuterie/cheese fiasco, I failed to mention that my friend Rob called it the “best cheese plate in the history of the world.” If anyone else had said that, I would’ve chalked it up to hyperbole, but not Rob. He’s the real deal, and a culinary innovator to boot! After threatening to release some compromising photos of Rob with the cheese, he agreed to share the recipe for his latest innovation, a snack called the “Meat Hat.”

Rob’s “Meat Hat”™

First, you start with a cracker. Rob recommends a cracker with a lot of gluten because, and I quote, “heavy is the hat.” Next thing you do is lay down a “foundational” layer of cheese, ideally cheddar, but any hard cheese will do. (Note: Either Rob’s picture doesn’t include the cheddar layer, or he’s piled so much cheese on the cracker that you can’t see the cheddar). After that, Rob recommends a semi-soft cheese like brie, followed by a “squishy” cheese like goat, or feta. Rob calls this layer “filing in the holes,” but when I asked him to explain that, he told me to ask Cthulhu. Did I mention Rob is a weird dude? ANYWAY, after adding the “squishy” cheese layer, Rob says you need to “balance everything out” with honey. Next, you want a substantial prop like an olive or small piece of dried fruit to support the meat. “Just plop that sucker in the squishy cheese and let it sit there, like a pedestal,” Rob advises. Finally, it’s time to add the “hat.” Select the meat of your choice and roll it into a cone, as if it’s a dunce cap. Then place the hat atop your olive or dried fruit pedestal. Enjoy!

Discussion questions

You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you may or may not have answers.

1. Would you eat the Meat Hat™? Any modifications, or do you take your Meat Hat™ Rob’s way?

2. Does the invention of the Meat Hat™ tip the balance in favor of charcuterie in the ongoing cheese/charcuterie controversy?

3. Check your Nextdoor app. Do you have animal bingo? Note: if there are murder hornets in your neighborhood, RUN!

4. Do you think I upset Pooja, or is Pooja a fascist?

5. Should the woman in the coffee shop give the casual Jesus fan her Instagram?

Contribute to Situation Normal!

Got an animal post from Nextdoor that made you LOL or WTF? Spot something odd on your morning walk? Find a funny typo in the wild? Send your pictures to me at

michael.j.estrin@gmail.com

When submitting, please tell me if you’d like to use an alias, or do the first name last initial thing. If you write a newsletter, I’m happy to link to it, so let me know!

Until Sunday, when I’ll have a story about yoga…

And hit the ❤️ button👇