Big Wednesday #4
Wheeling & dealing, fake golfer, deep sea doo-doo, a better job offer, bizarre TikTok
When I first decided to launch a Wednesday edition of Situation Normal, Christina thought I might be taking on too much.
“Babe, that’s a lot more work,” Christina said. “And it’s not like writing the internet’s 57th most popular humor newsletter is bringing home the turkey bacon. Do you have time for a Wednesday edition?”
“You’re right,” I said. “I’m going to have to cut corners.”
“Cut corners? How?”
“The way crackerjack outfits like Facebook have been cutting corners for years: user-generated content.”
“User-generated content? That sounds like a food additive.”
“It’s an industry term. It means other people make stuff, and I monetize the shit out of their stuff, without cutting them in on deal.”
“But you don’t monetize Situation Normal at all.”
That comment led to a lengthy discussion about modern monetary theory, Keynesian and post-Keynesian economics, Marxism, and a series of straw man attacks on the Austrian school. I was going to summarize that discussion here, but Christina said it was “boring as shit.” She did, however, bless my idea of asking readers to submit their own funny content.
But right away reader submissions led to a problem. Actually, problem isn’t the right word. The right words are “good problem.” I love reader submissions! Every week, I get a dozen submissions, and I want more, so keep ‘em coming, people! Your submissions are funny, or at the very least interesting, and they really do help me produce something digital media folks call “premium content.” Unfortunately, this creates a perverse incentive structure where I fall more and more behind, while continuing to ask you to send more content. It’s sick, isn’t it?
I did some advanced economic modeling, ran my numbers by a team of quantitative analysts from the IMF, and determined that if I were to write Situation Normal for ten years, I’d have approximately seventy-eight cubic shit-loads of unused submissions.
Here’s a concrete illustration of this “good problem.” In the very first Wednesday edition, I shared a TikTok about a waiter who didn’t know how to calculate the surface area of the pizza he was serving. Some of you talked about this in the comments, and after a brutal flame war, a consensus opinion emerged that cheese is better than math.
Meanwhile, other readers took inspiration from the TikTok. Reader Lyle McKeany shared a story about a math-challenged salesperson. I liked the story! So, I promised Lyle I’d run his submission the following week. But that was a lie. Then I lied again when I told Lyle he could “bet his bottom dollar” that his submission would appear in the next Wednesday edition of Situation Normal. I thought about lying a third time, just to honor the rule of three, but that felt self-indulgent.
Anyway, here’s a story about Lyle buying a desk👇
Wheeler dealer
I was at a used office furniture store looking for a desk for my new house. I didn’t have a ton of money to spend, but wanted something that wasn’t from IKEA, basically. Eventually, I saw this nice wood desk. Maybe it was maple? IDK, I don’t really know wood types. Anyway, I looked at the price tag and it said $399.
I turned to the guy working there and said, “I really like this one, but I don’t have that much to spend.”
He said, “How much were you looking to spend?”
“I was thinking around half that much.”
He thought for a bit and said, “I can’t do half off, but I could do it for $200.”
To which I said, “Sold!”
By the way, Lyle writes a beautiful Substack called Just Enough to Get Me in Trouble. Check it out, and tell him I sent you!
Obviously, you’re a golfer
There’s less to this story than meets the eye, but here it goes.
Trader Joe’s cashiers are chatty. That’s why I shop there. Usually, my checkout line conversations involve dropping obscure movie references, weekend plans, Dodgers baseball, and frank talk about Trader Joe’s products. But not this time.
As I approached the register, a Trader Joe’s manager said to the cashier, “I promise to go easy on you.”
“I’m going golfing with my manager tomorrow,” the cashier explained. “He’s a scratch golfer.”
Scratch golfer? Never heard that one before. But I am not a golfer. I went to a driving range a few times in college. I’m familiar with the classics: Happy Gilmore, Tin Cup, Caddyshack. These are my golf credentials, such as they are.
Obviously, I should’ve asked, “what’s a scratch golfer?” But the cashier was stoked, as I mentioned in my Tweet. Well, I guess I was stoked for him. Instead of clarifying, I said something like, “Cool, I love golf!”
That was the cashier’s invitation to go full Caddyshack. We talked local courses, then clubs. We were about to do a deep dive on the driving ranges in Koreatown, but he finished bagging the groceries. I wished him luck “on the links,” and that was that.
Should I have lied? I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. I’m not a moral philosopher. But once the lie was underway, I had to commit. Had to. The cashier was stoked. You gotta respect that. So I lied, respectfully. I nodded when he nodded, smiled when he smiled. When he delivered a punchline I didn’t understand, I faked it.
And guess what?
He bought every minute of my performance!
Overheard some shit
I love eavesdropping. I tell friends and family that I spy on strangers because listing to candid conversations is a great way to improve your dialogue. But honestly, I’m just nosy. As it turns out, reader Tab is nosy too. Here’s what he wrote: 👇
Oddest overheard conversation was at a Scuba convention years ago. Several guys were having a serious discussion about the type of adult diapers they liked to wear under their dry suits when doing hours-long decompressions after very deep dives. I had never desired to do that type of diving, and that conversation convinced me I
never would.
I’m not a diver, but thanks to Tab’s contribution I’m confident I could pretend to be an avid diver for as long as it takes to scan and bag my groceries.
Help Wanted: Problem Architect
Another week, another job offer for the wrong Michael Estrin. This time, Chris, a recruiter for a “multi-brand e-commerce retailer with roots in holiday and home décor” reached out looking for a “Solutions Architect.” Here’s what Chris wrote:
I was really intrigued by this offer for two reasons. First, Annie at Apixio seems to have ghosted me. Second, Balsam Brands pays better! Naturally, I wrote back to Chris.
I haven’t heard back from Chris at Balsam Brands — yet! Keep your fingers crossed for me, gang.
ICYMI
I wrote an update on my stolen catalytic converter story. Spoiler alert: the supply chain ate my catalytic converter, and now I'm a straight pipe scofflaw.
This TikTok lives rent-free in my head🚽🍝
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Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you may or may not have answers.
We’ve established that I’m not a golfer. But what about you? Are you stoked by the idea of hitting the links with a scratch golfer?
We’ve also established that I’m not a Scuba diver. But I’m wondering if you’re a diver? And if so, do you go deep enough to require adult diapers? Please explain!
Does anyone know if there’s a certification or course of study for Problem Architecture, or is it just one of those things you learn to do on the job?
What is up with that TikTok? Do people really strain pasta into the toilet? Or, is this the kind of thing that only happens on social media?
Is Lyle still using his half-price desk? Note: everyone except Lyle is eligible to answer this one.
Bonus question just for Lyle. Did you also get a deal on a chair?
Contribute to Situation Normal!
Do you have a question about something I’ve written? Got a hilarious anecdote you want to share? See something on the internet, or IRL, that made you LOL or WTF? Find a funny typo in the wild? Send your submissions to me at 👇
michael.j.estrin@gmail.com
When submitting, please tell me if you’d like to use an alias, or do the first name last initial thing. If you write a newsletter, I’m happy to link to it, so let me know!
Until Sunday, when I’ll have a story about marriage and leasing a Ford Fiesta…
Hit the ❤️ button🙏👇
Thanks for sharing my story, Michael! I still can’t believe that guy was dead serious when he said it to me lol.
I’ll refrain from answering if I still own the desk. I already had a nice desk chair at the time, though.
BTW, that TikTok is all kinds of nope.
This is the type of food toilet tips content I would expect to be on Facebook. (Based on what I read in the Garbage Day newsletter.)