22 Predictions for 2022
They say the future is unwritten, but clearly "they" aren't reading Situation Normal
I think it was Nostradamus who said, “Emails with subject lines promising predictions have high open rates because humans are suckers for secret knowledge, even though everyone knows, deep down, that predictions are total bullshit.”
Around 2006, I got my first “new media” job. I was a reporter for a website, but for some reason everyone who worked at that website got the title of editor. I didn’t edit anything, but I think my title was associate editor, which was at least half-true because I did, in fact, associate with editors.
Anyway, the man who owned this website had a theory. Actually, he had a lot of theories that ranged from nuts to bonkers, but I’m not going to get into the crazy shit my former employer told me, not right now anyway. What you need to know here is that my old employer believed websites are like sharks.
“A shark has to keep moving, or it dies,” my employer said. “A website has to update several times a day, or it dies.”
I didn’t bother to Google my employer’s claim about a shark’s need for perpetual motion because this was 2006, and we hadn’t yet gotten into the habit of Googling shit that made us incredulous. If I had Googled it, I might’ve learned that my employer was wrong about sharks. But even if he was wrong about sharks, it didn’t matter because he was right about websites. Update or die. And so, my employer ordered the staff to “front-load content” for the days we’d be out of the office over the holidays.
For me, this practice raised all sorts of questions.
Was it ethical to pre-write the news?
Assuming it was ethical, how would we do it?
Assuming we could pre-write the news, did we have a moral obligation to intervene if the news was going to be bad?
Holding all ethical, practical, and moral considerations aside, was there a way to profit from pre-writing the news, like how Old Biff taught Young Biff to profit from sports betting in the Back to The Future franchise?
Sadly, I never got answers to these questions. I was too busy! My editor, who held the title of executive editor, even though she wasn’t really an executive, assigned me to cover the future.
“Call up your regular industry sources and see what predictions they have for next year,” she said. “Then write-up as many predictions for 2007 as you can.”
I might’ve argued, but we needed the content to keep our shark-like website alive, and I needed a few days off. So, I called up my sources and asked them to predict the future. I don’t remember what they said, but if someone had predicted that I’d spend the next fifteen years writing end-of-year predictions to feed the digital media beast, they would’ve been correct.
Which brings me back to that dubious Nostradamus quote and my even more dubious predictions. Without further ado, here’s how 2022 will shake out, people.
Before January is out, someone on social media will proclaim 2022 to be the worst year ever. They’ll be wrong, of course, because everyone knows 420 BC was actually the worst year ever. But that fact won’t stop #WorstYearEver2022.
After forgetting the password to your fitness app, you’ll go through hell trying to reset it, only to give up on the app, as well as the whole concept of “fitness.”
The expired pills in your medicine cabinet will remain in your medicine cabinet until 2023, at least.
Your favorite barista will make millions betting on a crypto currency called FoamCoin, but they’ll lose that fortune on another crypto currency called TeaBilz.
Someone will lecture you about Cancel Culture. You’ll try to ignore them, but the lecture will continue, until you walk away. Take heart. You’re inability / unwillingness to listen to their lecture will live rent-free in the lecturer’s head until they find their next victim.
Twitter will celebrate a random Monday by breaking Ben Affleck.
Despite ongoing efforts from ardent followers, former President Chester A. Arthur will not trend in 2022.
I will remember to take my vitamin D supplement 37% of the time.
One of your friends will insist that you’ve “got to” listen to their favorite podcast. But you won’t listen to it, and when the subject comes up again, you’ll both pretend that this is the first time you’ve talked about the podcast.
The addition of pickled red onions will greatly improve Taco Tuesdays, which is already one of America’s strongest institutions.
Months before April 15, some smug asshole in your social network will announce that they’re “adulting like a boss” because they’ve already filed their 2021 taxes. You’ll consider unfriending them, but settle for unfollowing.
Despite the fact that nine out of ten colleagues recommend a particular brand of toothpaste, the tenth dentist won’t cave because they did their own research.
Keanu Reeves will continue to delight the world.
While running errands, you’ll run into a friend of a friend who you don’t really care for, and who it turns out, doesn’t really care for you either. But because both of you will be masked, you’ll pretend not to recognize them, and they’ll do the same. Neither of you will mention this masked detente to your mutual friend.
After years of practicing gratitude, one especially adept influencer will fucking nail it.
You will finally accept that the whole “super food” concept is a lie, but because you desperately want to be perceived as someone who cares about their health, you’ll keep eating kale, even though nobody likes kale.
A demagogue will capture the American political scene by promising to execute telemarketers.
A man in a coon-skin cap, in a pig pen, will want eleven dollar bills, but since you’ve only got ten, you’ll have to Venmo him the rest.
You will Google my 18th prediction and rediscover the genius of Bob Dylan. At year’s end, you’ll share the fact that Dylan was the “most listened to” artist on your 2022 Spotify Wrapped.
You’ll watch every SNL cold open of 2022, without watching any other skits.
Tom Brady will win another Super Bowl, prompting a bipartisan Congressional investigation into claims that Brady, who is ancient by NFL standards and remarkably adept at avoiding serious injury, is a cyborg.
You’ll keep reading & sharing Situation Normal because you’re the best damn audience a writer could ask for.
I really wish the world was such that I could predict that people would stop using the term "adulting" in 2022, but alas, I fear we're saddled with that one.
Thought provoking. A little scary. We're 3 days in now, how you doing on the Vitamin D?