Freelance Wizard | Vase Dude 2.0 | Hypothetical Picnic
Freelance Wizard
According to the content that comes out of the content mills, the cashiers at Trader Joe’s are trained / encouraged / required to engage customers in friendly conversations at checkout. I don’t know if the content mills speak the truth, but I’ve always enjoyed speaking with Trader Joe’s cashiers.
Usually, I start the conversation with my canvas bag gambit. The idea is to alert the cashier to the fact that I brought my canvas bags, and that said bags are located under packages of oats, mint, low fat yogurt, and other weekly staples. But there is also subtext in the canvas bag gambit. The subtext is this:
I care about the planet.
I am the kind of person who wants strangers to know that he is well traveled and cultured, so my canvas bags come from various bookstores and art museums from around the plant I wish to save.
I am taking action to save the planet, even though, as Marc Maron observed in End Times Fun, the only real action I’ve taken is bringing my bags to the market, which ain’t nearly enough to save the planet.
But the other day, a pink-haired Trader Joe’s cashier preempted my canvas bag gambit by asking if I had forgotten anything on my shopping list.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “But I live really close, so I could always come back. I could walk here. I just never do. Which is sad. Because that would be good for me, and good for the planet.”
“But groceries are heavy,” she said.
“Yeah, that’s my excuse. I’m lazy. Sorry about that, Earth. I was totally going to live a hunter-gather, carbon-neutral lifestyle, but you know, convenience.”
“I don’t know you. Maybe you are a hunter-gatherer. Maybe you’re a wizard. You’ve got the beard for it.”
“OK, you got me. I’m a wizard. I didn’t drive here, but I didn’t walk either. I’ve got my flying broom tied up at the bike rack outside. It’s an electric broom, by the way, so it’s as carbon-neutral as flying brooms get these days.”
“I thought only witches had flying brooms?”
“They do. My wife is a witch. The broom is a loner. My wife wasn’t happy about me borrowing the broom, but I told her, if you want hummus, I’m taking the broom. What could she say? She loves hummus.”
“Don’t we all love hummus?”
“Indeed.”
“Do you make good money in the wizard game?” the cashier asked.
“I used to. But then the internet really screwed over the wizard community. Now, all the wizards use apps, but the apps take 30 percent. Plus, the app seems to select for entitled customers who don’t see wizarding as labor.”
“I hear that. I used to write comic books, but the internet ruined that. Every platform I use takes too much money, and the communities always turn toxic.”
“Ugh. Online communities. At first, they’re cool because you’re meeting a lot of people who are into the same stuff as you. But then instead of just enjoying that stuff, some people feel the need to shit on stuff, and then the shit starts to stink real bad, and people get angry, and then the anger brings out all their racism, and sexism, and all the awful isms.”
“Story of my life,” the cashier said. “At this point, I don’t even share my work anymore. I just make my comics for me and email them to a few friends.”
“If you’re emailing them, have you thought about putting them on Substack?”
“What’s Substack?”
“It’s an email service that automatically archives your stuff into a blog, but it’s also a platform so you can find new fans. Since it’s email-based, though, you have a lot of control, so if one of those racist, sexist shit-on-stuff trolls enters your community, you can cast them out with a blocking spell.”
“Wow. What do you do on Substack?”
“I write humor. Mostly slice of life stuff.”
“I’d read slice of life wizard humor.”
“Do you have your phone on you?” I asked.
I gave the cashier the address to my Substack. She wrote it down on her phone. Then I told her to search Substack.com for newsletters about comics.
“Wow, this was magical,” she said.
“All in a day’s work for a freelance wizard.”
Vase Dude 2.0
As some of you know, my profile of adult entertainer Sophia Locke received widespread praise from world leaders, talking heads, and prurient randos. It also drove trillions of dollars of revenue for Situation Normal. But it wasn’t a perfect profile—not by a long shot. See, I messed up big time by failing to ask Sophia Locke any follow-up questions about Vase Dude. Thankfully, several situation normies stepped up with their own questions, and I’m pleased to report that Sophia has answers! But first, watch this TikTok video for a refresher on Vase Dude.
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Caz Hart: “I want to know if the vase needs to be a particular shape or color, or if any vase will do?”
Sophia Locke: “He wanted me to get my hand or finger stuck in anything I had. I happened to have a vase available, so that’s what I used! It was more of a ‘concerned about being stuck’ fetish than a vase one!”
Amran Gowani: “So many questions about Vase Dude. My broken, demented brain can’t shake that this is somehow Oedipal in nature, so I’d like to know if he mentioned his dear mother to Sophia at any point. Also, unfortunately, I’d like to know if he “climaxed” purely on the thrill of watching, or if manual stimulation was still required?”
Sophia Locke: “He never mentioned his mother. I couldn’t see him, but I believe I could hear him. I’m pretty sure he was actually physically jerking off to it, although that’s an educated guess based on my experience with most of the guys who had these niche fetishes.”
Meg Oolders: “Is it crucial that the woman be ‘pretending’ to get her hand stuck? Like, if she was legitimately stuck and needed to go to the hospital to get it dislodged, would that still be hot? Or.... not?”
Sophia Locke: “I have no idea if he would have been happier with it being real. I like to credit my average acting skills with giving him the most convincing two-minute show I possibly could😂.”
Dennard Dayle left the following comment on the original piece: “That man is enjoying a simpler, clearer love life than the rest of us. Maybe a simpler life in general.” I asked Sophia to respond to Dennard’s insightful comment.
Sophia Locke: “I have such a pure joy for this person and his simple, harmless kink. Even though it’s probably not something he can type into a porn tube site and find a ton of material of, I was thrilled that I could at least satisfy him for that brief time. That’s the joy of camming and personal paid interactions like this—you can find exactly what your heart desires. Even if that is a confused but eager woman with her hand stuck in a vase.”
Meet Situation Normal’s Newest Sponsors
I love writing Situation Normal! When I say I’d do it for free, I’m not kidding. For the first two years, I didn’t take a dime, or a doge coin. But carbs and bad life decisions can only take you so far in the humor game. Thankfully, Situation Normal also runs on the generosity of paid subscribers, like:
Janice W., who has known me my entire life, became an annual subscriber! Thank you, Janice. And I swear, I will read Moby Dick one of these days.
Cathy W., who has known me since I was a foul-mouthed teen, became an annual subscriber! Thanks for being so fucking awesome, Cathy!
Kris V. became a monthly subscriber! I don’t know Kris, but according to her Substack bio, Kris is a “businesswoman, photographer, writer, mother, gamer, and CEO.” Kickass, Kris, and thank you for supporting my silly business!
Alex Dobrenko, who writes the very awesome Both Are True newsletter and is a generous wing-person to anyone and everyone in the Comedic Personal Essay Universe CPEU™, became an annual subscriber! Good move, Alex!
Tim B., who had a great suggestion for what to ask ChatGTP, became an annual subscriber! You’ll see Tim’s suggestion in the next section, but to be clear you don’t have to pay to talk to ChatGTP. Anyway, thanks for the money and the idea, Tim!
Spencer Irwin, who writes about his relationship to media in his newsletter, Do You Know What I Love Most?, became a monthly subscriber. Thanks so much, Spencer, and I look forward to reading what you have to say about your relationship to Situation Normal!
Laura M. who I know very little about, aside from the fact that she also pays for some really good newsletters, and therefore probably has excellent taste, demonstrated her excellent taste by becoming an annual subscriber to Situation Normal. Thank you, Laura!
Adam B., who might be independently wealthy because his Substack profile indicates that he pays for 42 Substacks, bought a monthly subscription to Situation Normal. On behalf of every writer on the internet, Adam, let me just say, thank you for being so damn cool!
Jen D., who I’ve known since our first year at Wesleyan and who should know better than to give me money, became a founding member of Situation Normal. Like all founding situation normies, Jen is entitled to free rides to the doctor, provided the doctor’s office is in LA County. Jen will also receive an annual report detailing what I did with her money, which is more than I can say for that time Jen gave me her student ID to buy snacks and mixers. Sorry I blew all your meal points on Snapples and Swedish Fish, Jen, and thank you for your support!
If you’d like to see your name in the Situation Normal shout outs and read exclusive stories like High Flier, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.
Hypothetical Picnic
For shits and giggles, and because I believe that the future should be as weird as possible, I’ve been messing around with ChatGTP, an artificial intelligence tool that, apparently, doesn’t know much about music.
I think this is the third or fourth time I’ve asked ChatGTP a question about song lyrics, so at this point, we have a new recurring feature here at Situation Normal. I was going to call the feature Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, but after a strongly-worded letter from the The Flaming Lips legal team, I backed down. Thankfully, Andrew Paul Koole, who writes Ponytail Press, had a better name—one that comes from last week’s ChatGTP session. Without further ado, here’s Hypothetical Picnic.
This week’s question comes from Tim B, who asked: “Who put the “ram” in the ram-a-lama-ding-dong?” Turns out, ChatGTP had an answer, Tim, but it took some doing on my part to get that answer.
Special thanks!
You’ve probably noticed the colorful dividers in this edition of Situation Normal. Meg Oolders, who writes Stock Fiction, made these because she’s an awesome situation normie, and because Meg, like all writers, lives to procrastinate. Thanks for making me look cool, Meg!
Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, situation normies have answers.
Have you told your friends, lovers, and random strangers about Substack? You should! And if you talk to your local supermarket cashier about Substack, please let us know how it goes.
What’s the deal with online communities? Do they always turn to shit, or is their hope for humanity?
How about a big thank you to Sophia Locke for shedding a little more light on Vase Dude?
What else should I ask ChatGTP? Song answers only.
At the risk of sounding like a Luddite wizard, the internet has ruined plenty of stuff. Sure, it’s given us cool stuff, like GIFs, good recipes for cooking brussels sprouts, and Situation Normal, of course. But this thing of ours has also caused some havoc. What’s something you think the internet has ruined? Go ahead, channel your inner Luddite wizard. 🧙♂️
The internet has ruined "Not knowing." Anyone with a smartphone can look up the answer to any question, which erodes some of the mystery of life and the humility and wonderment of not knowing something and having to think about why that is and use your imagination to consider what the possible answers could be.
Obviously this is exacerbated by the fact the internet is loaded with bullshit and misinformation.
Hey, you can't trust anything ChatGPT says! Lead singer George "Wydell" Jones Jr. of The Edsels wrote the song. Wikipedia, referencing Colin Larkin, ed. (1997). The Virgin Encyclopedia of Sixties Music (First ed.). Virgin Books. p. 175. ISBN 0-7535-0149-X.