Hi there, situation normies!
There were fewer comments than normal on last weeks post, Nature's Dongs + Stickers. But I stand by the title and my new method for tracking progress. Of course, quantity doesn’t equal quality. And the comments were damn good. My favorite came from
, a very funny lady👇Congrats on your return to the long prose page! I am not alone in standing on the marathon sidelines cheering you with my "GO DONG GO!" sign! The dinner answer is, of course, Admiral Ackbar, but only so I can pitch him my "Admiral SnACKbar" franchise idea. It's gold, Jerry, gold!!!
Time for shout outs! This one goes to
, a wonderful author who writes a great Substack called The Spark, which is a warm and thoughtful place for writers and readers alike. Elizabeth, aka Betsy, purchased an annual subscription to Situation Normal. Thank you, Betsy!Situation Normal stories are free, but some situation normies pay because they love this newsletter and they get their kicks underwriting joy for strangers. That’s pretty damn cool.
To help underwrite joy, please consider a subscription. Or, if you prefer PayPal, send any amount here. I’ll give you a shout out, send you good vibes, and add you to the list so you receive the annual stakeholder report.
Also, big thanks to
who sent me a lovely note to see how I’m doing with my mental health stuff. You’re a mensch, Marc!Okay, story time…
I’ve had a lot on my mind this week. Depression. Dongs. Anxiety. A new novel. Why it’s easier to call for war than demand peace. A story on the local news about Lenny Kravitz wearing leather pants to lift weights. Season four of Fargo, which isn’t as good as season five, but still damn good. A grilled buffalo chicken sandwich that’s better than any fried buffalo chicken sandwich out there. A client who had to press pause on a monthly gig I enjoy. An AI-generated image called Shrimp Jesus that’s wildly popular on Facebook. An editor who got me a pay bump I wasn’t expecting. Baltimore Blues by Laura Lippman and how subcultures, in this case rowing, are perfect entry points into murder mysteries featuring amateur sleuths. Challengers, where the only real mystery is whether the two male leads will figure out that they love each other and that the purported object of their affections, Zendaya, only loves tennis. My recent discovery that one of my favorite writing spots sells an iced mint tea that could be a real game-changer this summer. And Mandarin oranges.
My mind is messy. This is normal. Thankfully, one question helped me make sense of this week’s chaos: What would Bear McCreary do? The question comes from my Music League.
(I’ve written about Music League before. Making themed playlists with friends, and voting on the submissions, gives me life.)
The name of the game this week was to pick your favorite movie score. I started by making a list. Usually, this is a good strategy, but when my list hit eighty-two songs, I realized that I might have to take a different approach.
One of my favorite movies—top two hundred, easily—is I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. It’s a hilarious parody of Blaxploitation movies. The scene at the big hat club always kills me. My sister, Allison, and I still quote Chris Rock’s cameo where he attempts to buy one rib and a handful of soda from Hammer (Isaac Hayes) and Slammer (Jim Brown), two former action heroes who retired to run a barbecue joint. But the scene that came to mind was the very last scene, where Jack Spade (Keenen Ivory Wayans) asks John Slade (Bernie Casey) why he’s being followed by a bunch of musicians?
“They’re my theme music,” Slade explains. “Every good hero should have some.”
This line helped me reframe the question. I’m the hero of my own movie (everyone is), so I thought about what my theme music would be. Right away, I cut the theme from Conan the Barbarian because I lack the brutality to go full-barbarian. I cut the theme from Top Gun because with my eyesight there’s no way I could be a naval aviator. I also cut the music from the James Bond movies because I lack the duplicity for spy shit.
The cuts helped me shorten my list, but the right answer still felt elusive. The issue, I realized, was that my theme music was probably situational. So, I thought about recurring life situations.
A lot of my life is running around doing mundane shit like shopping for groceries, cleaning toilets, and walking Mortimer. The theme music that comes to mind for those situations is from The Benny Hill Show. But that’s not a movie! If I submitted that music, I’d get zero votes. Worse, my more barbaric friends would mock me without mercy.
When I write, I like to keep things upbeat. I’m fond of Herb Alpert and The Tijuana Brass. They did the theme song for the original Casino Royale, but I had already ruled out spy shit.
When I’m on the elliptical, I hear the theme from Chariots of Fire. The upside to that theme is that I feel like I’m doing something epic. The downside is that I often slip into a slow-motion run. Not great for hitting my cardio goals.
I hike the canyons near our house a lot, but I don’t hear movie scores on those hikes. When I’m huffing and puffing uphill, I turn to Guns ‘N Roses. I’m not proud of that, but Axel, Slash, and the fellas made the kind of music—Welcome to the Jungle, You Could Be Mine— that helps me get my ass up a steep hill. On the downhill part, Stayin’ Alive by the Bee Gees makes me feel like I’m floating.
I spend a lot of time in line at Trader Joe’s, Von’s, and Target. Those moments never feel cinematic, but I often hear We’re Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister. Ironic because I am indeed taking it.
Sitting in traffic also takes up more of my life than I’d care to admit. When I’m running late, Radar Love by Golden Earring is the music cue that helps me make up some time. When the traffic is so bad I want to get out of my car and take a sledgehammer to the sonofabitch in the G-Wagon who won’t stop honking, Rage Against the Machine is my theme music. When the traffic is slow, but steady and I’m feeling OK about it, I bop along to Fantastic Voyage by Coolio. When I get to that mystery spot where the traffic jam starts and I realize that there wasn’t an accident or any fucking reason at all for the slow-down, I see myself shifting gears (even though I drive an automatic) and putting the petal to the metal as Gimme Some Lovin' by The Spencer Davis Group provides the emotional oomph for an otherwise ho-hum scene.
Thinking situationally was getting me off track. I was the hero of my own movie, but that movie, as far as I could tell, was about a writer, who does chores, exercises, and sits in traffic. Accurate! But also boring as fuck.
Had I put too much stock into the wisdom of I’m Gonna Git You Sucka? Just asking that question felt like blasphemy. So I put that question aside, then made a note to mail Keenen Ivory Wayans one rib and a handful of soda as an apology.
“You’re the hero of your own movie,” I said to myself in the mirror, “act like it, motherfucker.”
Then it hit me. Or, rather I hit myself because a slap is the most cinematic way to force a character into an emotional one-eighty.
“You’re thinking about the situation, but you need to think about aspiration.”
I didn’t actually say this, but to move the story along, Christina, the producer of my life’s movie, suggested I add some voice over in post.
What did I aspire to?
I slept on that question, and when I woke up I had an answer, because that’s how it works in the movies.
Detective.
That was the answer.
I aspire to be a detective. I love detective stories. I write detective fiction. Whenever I get the chance, I play detective. I’ve solved five-minute mysteries like The case of the missing laptop. I’m still trying to crack my catalytic convertor caper. My personal hero is, “I won’t say a hero, ‘cause, what’s a hero? But sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about the Dude here.”
I realized I was searching for a detective theme. That narrowed it down to the usual suspects: Fletch, Chinatown, The Big Lebowski, The Long Goodbye. These were all good choices, but I went with the inspiration for my aspiration, the very first detective who made solving shit look like fun.
My submission: Axel F by Harold Faltermeyer.
Want more Michael Estrin stories? I’ve got books!
Ride/Share: Micro Stories of Soul, Wit and Wisdom from the Backseat is a collection of my Lyft driver stories🚗🗣
Not Safe for Work is an amateur detective novel based on my experiences covering the adult entertainment industry💋🍑🍆🕵️♂️
The ebook versions of my books are priced between 99 cents and $2.99, so if you don’t have the budget for a Situation Normal subscription, buying an ebook is a great way to support my work. Bonus: you’ll laugh your butt off!
Stick around and chat!
You know the drill. I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers.
My father took me to see Beverly Hills Cop when I was seven. My mom was pissed when she found out. Dad said, “Linda, I didn’t know an Eddie Murphy movie would have so much cursing?” Was Dad a bad liar, or a chutzpah hall of famer?
What’s your theme music? Get creative!
The local news really did run a story about Lenny Kravitz wearing leather pants to lift weights. Was it a slow news day, or is journalism in serious trouble? Wrong answers only!
How great is I’m Gonna Git You Sucka? Superlatives encouraged!
Have you seen Shrimp Jesus? What the actual fuck?
My theme song is “Spaceballs.” Now, please tell me about this grilled chicken sandwich.
I've seen pics of Lenny Kravitz having split his pants on stage and, to be perfectly crude, putting to rest the rumor about black men and penis size, so dude should just wear his Underarmor like the rest of us and slow his roll.
Your questions at the end of your posts are a great way to elicit comments, but showcasing your favorite in the next post is an EXCELLENT way to get us all competing with each other for funniest/most insightful to get the spotlight. That's my advice.